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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My husband left me walking 8 miles this night..

295 replies

Sunnyseal · 11/02/2020 01:04

Our relationship was not amazing for the last couple of years (10 years relationship) My husband became emotionally colder, inattentive. But nothing major. I knew it's a very deep crisis we are in.. But..

We were in the unit we are renting for our little printing company. I asked him to do one thing for my university project that didn't turned out great (and I spoiled it further) and I was upset. We came there with my hope to fix it, but it didn't work out, which meant more time and materials to make second version of it. I was upset (I am also very sick now, with ear infection and sinusitis, doing quite demanding masters and drained by exams, he knows all of this). He wasn't getting it. Asked to drive me home, instead of going shopping, very calmly. He stepped back inside, crossing hands demanding explanations and obviously provoking a conflict as I told that wished he put more effort into thing that is important to me..

Our conflicts drain me a lot lately.. I fight depression, have a little bit better period now, and God knows how I want to stay at least this way.. And he also knows it too..

I wanted to chill a bit, and walked out from the court, in direction of home.. Like 30 meters? A bit more? .. I knew he will close the unit, and will go, and I will just get inside when he will go past me over.. but he even didn't look at me and zoomed by me..

OP posts:
Loveislandlydia · 11/02/2020 19:07

There’s no excuse for him leaving you like that. He knew you were angry/upset, he probably was too but you don’t just leave someone you love in that situation at that time of night in that weather. Sorry OP Flowers

PanicAndRun · 11/02/2020 19:08

How was she supposed to get this magical taxi with a flat phone and in the middle of nowhere?

otterturk · 11/02/2020 19:15

What the actual hell are these answers?!?

You are not at all unreasonable and his behaviour was unforgivable. I hope you are feeling better now.

Sunnyseal · 11/02/2020 19:16

The other side of the story goes along lines people post here about "storming off".

"Perhaps, it was a bit too much but you decided to walk away"
In the morning me: "I don't want to discuss this now" his reply: "so what?"

I can't get where this kind of cruelty came from... Yes, things weren't good. But to this extent...

Regarding therapy, I am talking about this for a good year now, he doesn't want it. And still - he doesn't want a divorce. I was typing all the replies here on the forum, he thought I am talking to lawyers and only then he was somewhat attentive.

All in all, I told him he has two options :

  1. therapy, first of all for himself and issues I am concerned about and for the relationship that is ruined.
  2. lawyers and divorce.

I don't think therapy will make wonders here, it's science but not magic. But perhaps with therapy, we can have a sane divorce at least? I don't know where to go for legal advice with my financial situation.

I have a therapist at university who helped me a lot. But I am the person who prefers to talk it out.

I must admit that he is a very good dad actually. That kept me here for so long in the first place. I know that if I will ever have any sort of relationship he still will be the best dad ever to my son. Thoughtful, empathetic, protective. He used to be this way when he was younger. Somehow now there is a cold, cruel man instead.
I would have thought about some sort of tumour or whatever (that much he changed towards me) if he wasn't still very loving and caring dad. So his phrases about his son calling dad someone else if we divorce is just ridiculous.

I was able to get emotions out of him only when I told to imagine it was our son instead of me and his wife did it to him this.

Somehow he picks up very few people and attaches to them a lot (with a need to control though). Now I am out of this circle. I'm wondering when our son will get older and will have his own will... I don't want this kind of change toward our son...

If I were back home near my friends and family though, I would have left today.

OP posts:
Oxfordnono12 · 11/02/2020 19:27

Really....? Walking out into the freezing cold, In WARNING conditions, walked over 30 metres (when she clearly doesn't know her way home) with no battery, at 8 o'clock at night, (hoping) a man who doesn't care about her picks her up, isn't irresponsible?? Sure.... OK..
She hasn't defused the situation, she's put herself at bloody risk.

RedskyAtnight · 11/02/2020 19:29

How was she supposed to get this magical taxi with a flat phone and in the middle of nowhere?

don't get me wrong - I think her DH was totally out of order to have left her, but I think everyone (particularly if they are a woman who feels vulnerable) should have some idea what they might do in an emergency situation.

Different scenario - she'd driven to the industrial unit by herself, done her printing, come out and discovered her car battery was flat. What would she have done? Is the answer still "walk all the way home"? Or would she have stopped a passing car (on the dual carriageway if not nearer) and asked for help? Would she have remembered a garage a couple of miles away she could go to? Did none of the industrial units have any security presence that she could have alerted?

Sunnyseal · 11/02/2020 19:48

RedskyAtnight I have the charger and power bank in the car, always.

OP posts:
Sunnyseal · 11/02/2020 19:51

There is a bigger chance for someone to stop if you turn on hazard lights too than just trying to get help from passing cars when you are walking. And there is no awful shame component of being in yesterday's situation in the first place.

OP posts:
PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 11/02/2020 19:55

Different scenario - she'd driven to the industrial unit by herself, done her printing, come out and discovered her car battery was flat. What would she have done? Is the answer still "walk all the way home"? Or would she have stopped a passing car (on the dual carriageway if not nearer) and asked for help? Would she have remembered a garage a couple of miles away she could go to? Did none of the industrial units have any security presence that she could have alerted?

That’s completely beside the point. Her DH knowingly left her to get the 8 miles home from an industrial estate after hours.

It’s cruel. Even if she’d had 100% battery and a fleet of cars at her disposal a decent husband does not abandon his wife and drive off when she’s in a fucking industrial estate late at night. That’s not loving nor caring, it’s a power trip.

Oxfordnono12 · 11/02/2020 20:07

He isn't a decent husband. She knows this!!

PanicAndRun · 11/02/2020 20:45

It's not that hard to imagine that maybe she kept holding onto some shred of hope that the man she married isn't a total arsehole, or that even if he's bad he's not that bad.

Now she knows and it's a shit realisation to make after a very shit situation. What she does next is what matters, at least hopefully she now knows she definitely can't count on him and have a plan a-z for anything that involves him(including leaving).

Frownette · 11/02/2020 21:03

@RedskyAtnight the garages were shut

RogueV · 11/02/2020 22:16

Sunny I have just read your whole thread

You weren’t in the wrong. You need to leave him

Your English is also fucking brilliant

Flowers
springydaff · 11/02/2020 23:18

Why are posters taking about you in the third person OP? You are here, in the room as it were. It's dehumanising. Have some manners, people.

You say he is a very good dad actually. But a good dad doesn't do this to his child's mother. That makes him a bad dad.

It's such a shock when you realise the man you married is someone else altogether. Do contact Women's Aid (I posted the link to your local office upthread), this is domestic abuse and they will support you every step of the way. They know their stuff and have heard your story hundreds of times. They know what to do and how.

Women's Aid also have a list of family lawyers in your area who understand the ins and outs of domestic abuse. Many offer a free first half hour where they give you an outline of what you can expect and how they will represent you. They get a lot done and said in half an hour!

There's a lot of support and advice out there, you aren't on your own with this. You don't have to do it alone Flowers

springydaff · 11/02/2020 23:50

Women's Aid local directory.

Sunnyseal · 12/02/2020 01:15

Thank you very much

OP posts:
Frownette · 12/02/2020 06:13

No matter how annoyed he was, he has a duty of care towards you and he failed

Topseyt · 12/02/2020 12:54

I hope you give Women's Aid a try today. Good luck to you.

You need to get yourself and your child out of this situation.

mbosnz · 12/02/2020 14:11

Storming out, in a huff, with your phone about to die, and no money, is on you. You are an adult, not a child. I say this as someone who stormed off, in a huff, with no phone, in London of a Friday night, with no clue where I was, or how to get home. It is your responsibility to make sure your phone is charged, that you have money, and that you have the ability to get yourself home, having stormed out in a huff.

Him driving by, without stopping to see if you had calmed down and would accept a lift, is on him, and does not speak at all well of him, or your relationship.

springydaff · 13/02/2020 08:50

She didn't storm off in a huff. Read the thread.

And now I'm taking about you in the 3rd person op!

Hope you're OK xx

TheReef · 13/02/2020 21:45

My ex (note the ex) did this to me, drove home and left me to walk home 5 miles in the rain and wind. It was the beginning of the end for me. It showed a complete lack of care and compassion that shocked me

springydaff · 14/02/2020 00:21

There was a famous poster on here whose H drive her out to the blue younger and pushed her out of the car and drove off. Turns out he hadn't quite finished packing... exactly HALF his stuff. He took the chutney and was famously called 'chunt' by the vipers.

springydaff · 14/02/2020 01:38

Blue yonder ffs! Ie a long way away

Sunnytimesahead · 14/02/2020 02:16

I agree with @RogueV

"Sunny I have just read your whole thread
You weren’t in the wrong. You need to leave him.
Your English is also fucking brilliant".

Hi OP,
You sound like a good person. I am sorry this happened to you. I think your plan is a good one. Either you and DH go for counselling or it's a divorce.

There have been some truly awful posts on this thread. I don't understand some people on MN. How they can stick up for your husband in this situation I'll never know. He left you in terrible danger with no phone or money and didn't care what might happen to you. This is inexcusable.

Thankfully there have been many constructive and supportive posts on this thread. Please re-read those and ignore the nastiness.

Please take care, I truly hope things get better for you. Good luck with completing your masters and I wish you happiness for the future. Flowers

Frownette · 14/02/2020 06:00

@Sunnyseal what's happening now?