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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My husband left me walking 8 miles this night..

295 replies

Sunnyseal · 11/02/2020 01:04

Our relationship was not amazing for the last couple of years (10 years relationship) My husband became emotionally colder, inattentive. But nothing major. I knew it's a very deep crisis we are in.. But..

We were in the unit we are renting for our little printing company. I asked him to do one thing for my university project that didn't turned out great (and I spoiled it further) and I was upset. We came there with my hope to fix it, but it didn't work out, which meant more time and materials to make second version of it. I was upset (I am also very sick now, with ear infection and sinusitis, doing quite demanding masters and drained by exams, he knows all of this). He wasn't getting it. Asked to drive me home, instead of going shopping, very calmly. He stepped back inside, crossing hands demanding explanations and obviously provoking a conflict as I told that wished he put more effort into thing that is important to me..

Our conflicts drain me a lot lately.. I fight depression, have a little bit better period now, and God knows how I want to stay at least this way.. And he also knows it too..

I wanted to chill a bit, and walked out from the court, in direction of home.. Like 30 meters? A bit more? .. I knew he will close the unit, and will go, and I will just get inside when he will go past me over.. but he even didn't look at me and zoomed by me..

OP posts:
MincedOath · 14/02/2020 06:15

Your OH sounds like a stone cold bastard.

Sunnyseal · 15/02/2020 13:02

Hey guys.

So.. we have been to one therapy session, but both didn't like that therapist. Although my husband voiced a couple of things that he never voiced before, it surprised me as I never heard of it. Could never think something might be annoying to him, but he never mentions this. He still doesn't want a divorce, there are lot of mutual grievance and hurt 😣.

He finished thing I needed to an excellent standard; I'd say masterpiece, I was very happy and grateful.
He also brought flowers yesterday and bought wine I wanted to try, etc..

Things that would have been so lovely if not the Monday evening.. if only.

I had a session with my therapist (who knows situation in full), we discussed everything, and I think I do everything I can.

I want to approach this very rationally, orienting on the result I want to achieve (career, good future for both and healthy child).

I have made a list of things that I won't accept in future, and that I want to change, I want the same file from him and see whether it's compatible.

I have booked another therapist that I have hope will be better, but we have to wait for the appointment quite a bit (month).

I was thinking a lot about woman's aid, but I don't think he deserves this, as beyond his desire to be able to control (and I know it stems from fear of being rejected rather than something else, although I still won't accept this) he is not violent, he is amazing dad (not an exaggeration).

This is a massive crack in my life. And I am still offended a lot. Anyway, I want therapy to accompany us further whether there is a chance or not I want to put all my efforts any outcome is as calm as possible.

OP posts:
12345kbm · 15/02/2020 13:25

OP, there's no harm whatsoever in contacting Women's Aid and just getting some advice. You're not doing anything to him by getting advice. The SAS aren't going to swoop into your house and taser him if you call.

You're in a vulnerable situation, away from home, in a foreign culture with young children. You must feel isolated and unsupported.

Couples therapy is never recommended in abusive relationships, so tread carefully that he doesn't manipulate the situation for his own benefit.

I really suggest you get advice and take it from there.

DecemberSnow · 15/02/2020 13:27

How is Storm Dennis going for everyone?

Rain started about half hour ago and wind is starting to pick up.... Nothing major just yet tho...

How about where you are?

Sunnyseal · 15/02/2020 14:08

12345kbm yes, I understand what you mean

OP posts:
armchairactivists · 15/02/2020 14:44

I was thinking a lot about woman's aid, but I don't think he deserves this

Women's Aid is about support for you.

And, it doesn't really matter where his desire to control you comes from. What matters is that it's there. Took me a long time to realise that one.

I worry that you're about to spend the next 5 years trying to fix this, then leave anyway, but older, unhappier and with your self esteem in tatters, and wishing you left now.

I might be massively projecting here! But please, don't sell yourself short.

springydaff · 15/02/2020 17:06

I don't think you're projecting, armchair. That's an accurate description of what happens.

Women's Aid is anonymous, you don't even have to tell them your name if you don't want to. They are there to support you.

I think he has charmed his way back into your head (it's what they do, it's called hoovering). As pp says, counselling with a known abuser is not recommended, they just fuck you up some more, on a deeper, more intimate level while you're open.

There's no excuse whatsoever for his control. None. It doesn't matter what he's been through, it has very little to do with him controlling you. He does it because he likes it. It makes him feel good and high.

Do the Freedom Programme. Go along to a group, they're free. And anonymous like WA.

springydaff · 15/02/2020 17:08

Freedom Programme near you

PicsInRed · 15/02/2020 17:15

he is not violent

He was more than willing to risk you being picked up and raped and/or murdered.

Spilling the roulette wheel on someone else doing it isn't much better than him giving you a "good hiding", himself. Don't you think?

Willing for you to be raped/murdered.
For punishment.
Let that sink in.

PicsInRed · 15/02/2020 17:18

He doesn't even love your children enough to ensure their mother doesn't die.

Let alone you.

I'm willing to guess this man is incapable of love, full stop. Counselling cannot fix that, nor can the love of a good woman. He'll suck you dry until there's nothing left.

billy1966 · 15/02/2020 17:26

He may not be violent but he's certainly not your protector either.

I can't fathom any de e t man putting you in such danger.

Women's Aid will be there for you.

billy1966 · 15/02/2020 17:29

decent man

Bunnyfuller · 15/02/2020 18:57

I’m assuming all these posters saying it’s your fault for walking off, would no doubt say the same had you been attacked or raped on the way home?
That’s called victim blaming and is fucking shit behaviour from those women.
I presume all their arguments with their perfect DHs end with a calm and loving hug, giggling at how silly they were to fight. If you’ve not been on the other end of a man verbally bullying you and dehumanising you by their coldness, you of course cannot comprehend the need to get away from the berating. He’s not doing you a fucking favour by helping, it’s what you do in a marriage fgs.
I think some of you decided to judge the op because she’s ‘foreign’ and deserves what she gets.

I get you, OP, I have similar but in my case he’s the one from overseas (Eastern Europe) but the unkind treatment is the same.

Flowers
Sunnyseal · 16/02/2020 17:06

Bunnyfuller I do agree with you a lot. And regarding helping especially.

Guys, I am trying to process everything. Tank you so much for being with me.

OP posts:
Mordred · 16/02/2020 18:25

@Sunnyseal

Look after yourself, kochanie - this is a man who doesn't deserve you.

springydaff · 16/02/2020 23:36

Keep talking if you need to Sunnyseal. So many of us have been through very similar Flowers

SkySmiler · 18/02/2020 13:58

Suppose if you had been been attacked, run over etc... How would he have been visiting you in hospital? Twisting it round to be your fault I guess...

tara66 · 18/02/2020 15:08

Well, dear OP - I must say how much I admire you - just managing to walk 8 miles in very bad weather, lonely, lost and isolated! Poor you !
Especially as you are (I understand) quite frail, small, stressed and have a bad cold/flu'!
If you can do THIS then coping with a cruel, cold, stupid husband must be easy! You're much stronger physically and emotionally than you may think - also very intelligent - doing a Masters part time! YOU are the superior one in this relationship - perhaps he realises it and is resentful and jealous? I wouldn't make a naughty dog walk 8 miles (or a cat for that matter!).

abitlostandalwayshungry · 23/02/2020 10:45

@sunnyseal i hope you are ok!

Trymybest91736 · 23/02/2020 16:48

If he bought you flowers, wine, you need more than that !

You need to carry money, phone everywhere
Do you have access to your own money ?

You need a car or a moped, so that you can drive yourself

Take responsibility for your Masters work yourself

He sounds horrible, I'm not sure that I would forgive anyone so easily !

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