My husband left me walking 8 miles this night..

[Sunnyseal]

Our relationship was not amazing for the last couple of years (10 years relationship) My husband became emotionally colder, inattentive. But nothing major. I knew it's a very deep crisis we are in.. But..

We were in the unit we are renting for our little printing company. I asked him to do one thing for my university project that didn't turned out great (and I spoiled it further) and I was upset. We came there with my hope to fix it, but it didn't work out, which meant more time and materials to make second version of it. I was upset (I am also very sick now, with ear infection and sinusitis, doing quite demanding masters and drained by exams, he knows all of this). He wasn't getting it. Asked to drive me home, instead of going shopping, very calmly. He stepped back inside, crossing hands demanding explanations and obviously provoking a conflict as I told that wished he put more effort into thing that is important to me..

Our conflicts drain me a lot lately.. I fight depression, have a little bit better period now, and God knows how I want to stay at least this way.. And he also knows it too..

I wanted to chill a bit, and walked out from the court, in direction of home.. Like 30 meters? A bit more? .. I knew he will close the unit, and will go, and I will just get inside when he will go past me over.. but he even didn't look at me and zoomed by me..

SurpriseSparDay, yes, exactly you got me right..

Ladies, if you are taller/weight more you have chances to protect yourself from teenagers at least, or they don't have a desire to get I to a trouble with you. I am short, and I have had issues with teenage guys 5 years ago when walking a dog quite close to own house. In daytime. Because my physique hints I can't defense myself properly. In my case I guess it adds up. And my husband knows this, again..

And no, I am not a habitual.. walker away..
I wasn't hoping for any "do you want to get inside or will you call a taxi" honestly in my brain it was he slows down near me, I'm getting in.

He is eager to rub things in, that I don't want to discuss. While he knows I'm exhausted he insists on conflict anyway. Lately these conflicts were meaningless and just draining.

I am straight as door, not manipulative and say things as I think they are.

Ok I'm just justifying myself now, which I don't want to do..
I'm sorry. And thank you once again. I know I'm in trouble now, and that's not just a crisis that will pass.

The only excuse for this situation is if DH didn't realise that OP's phone was dead, made the (fairly natural) assumption that as she'd stormed out and started in the direction of home she didn't want him near her, and assumed as she had money and a phone she was capable of calling for a cab.

I do find it odd that OP texted DH that her phone was running out of battery. She didn't use the last of her battery to ring a cab or to ring DH and tell him she didn't appreciate being abandoned and could he come and pick her up. Texting your battery is running out is more saying "you won't be able to get in contact with me, so don't try".

I'd be interested to hear DH's side of the story. He may well have thought she was fine and be horrified that she had to walk home (does he even know?).

In terms of divorce, we had a very bad October. I was asking him, that it doesn't work the right way,and it feels we should go separate ways. He didn't want it, to the point of threats he will put all efforts into lawyers so his son "never calls dad anyone else"...

So he's abusive and conteptuous of you and now you suggest (sensibly) that it's time to end the marriage, he is threatening to take your child away from you.

Sweetheart, the abusive ones all use this threat. Most also invoke the "you're too crazy to look after them". Judges in Family Court have seen and heard it ALL before. He'll simply prove your own case by performing his own domestic abuse for the Court. I say, let him crack on, don't agree to 50/50 where it didn't exist before - he'll be doing that for both control and also financial settlement and/or child maintenance purposes. See a good family solicitor and see where you stand.

Read Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That" and contact Women's Aid and/or Victim Support for some domestic violence advice.

Post on the Relationships board and avoid AIBU. There is sensible and practical advice available to DV victims in Relationships, only a good kicking offered in AIBU. 💐

*"Yes he was in the wrong also but she was playing games."

And so what? Leaving her to walk 8 miles home alone in the dark is not on. He's an arsehole.*

I agree but it's not all oooh poor OP and awful husband, she has been awful herself too.

You walked out. He's not responsible for you. You take responsibility for your actions not him.

You both clearly need to talk. You both need to be honest with your feelings and were your relationship is going otherwise you're gona have to accept this is it.

There is zero communication here, zero adulting but also showing your child to accept this kind of relationship.

OP, Probably being in a different Country away from your friends and family is very isolating.
Your English is excellent for a 'second language'...I moved Cities leaving my friends and family behind, and that was stressful enough, especially when one has a young child.
I can only imagine how moving Countries could make one feel.

OP, if the Masters you’re studying for us likely to improve your own, independent, situation - you need to finish it. And you don’t need the stress and complication of separation while you’re doing that.

So the question is whether your current domestic situation is bearable or not. Are you physically safe? Is your child generally in a secure environment? Is your mother in law supportive? (Can you stand the sight of your husband after last night?)

If yes to all above, get your head down and study. Grab the opportunity to make the rest of your life more rewarding. Once you have finished you’ll be in a better position to decide how to move forward.

If no to all above, then I guess you make plans to leave your husband. Ignore any threats from him. If you divorce you will be entirely free to form any new relationship you want - he doesn’t get to decide this.

You walked out. He's not responsible for you. You take responsibility for your actions not him

So, no thought? No kindness? No worry?

I'd be worried to death about a man in that situation, let alone a slightly built woman. And I'd have been terrified myself.

He's an ukind, spiteful, uncaring arse.

So he's abusive and conteptuous of you and now you suggest (sensibly) that it's time to end the marriage, he is threatening to take your child away from you
He hasn't been abusive. He hasn't threatened to take the child away.

He said he would be seeking legal advice and wants to prevent anyone else being called dad.
Legal advice in the event of a less than amicable split is sensible. The child doesn't need to have someone else as dad; they have a dad.

The husband has been out of order in some of his account. Few would say otherwise, but let's avoid adding in extras to hype things up.

Honestly in my brain it was he slows down near me, I'm getting in
That's still a 'guess what's in my head once I've got annoyed, said you weren't helping enough with my university project and walked off'.
He should have stopped and it was wrong of him to drive off, but one thing that stands out on here is that there's terrible communication between you both.

If you're unhappy in the marriage then it's over and you need legal advice

OP. Clearly your husband was annoyed with you, but so what? I could not have treated someone I dislike like that. If it was only a mile, and you were well, and it wasn't February, dark and cold - then maybe I could leave someone to get back themselves, if I felt very annoyed with that person.

But all that, and aware that your phone battery was extremely low and you didn't have any money on you? Not a chance. I couldn't stay with a person who could do that, and go home to sleep comfortably (and not tell their mother that they had left you, so she wouldn't try to rescue you), knowing you would have to walk back, possibly the whole way if you didn't find any help.

I can't even be bothered to say you brought it on yourself by behaving badly, that's just cold and heartless. So what if OP didn't behave perfectly? Nobody deserves to be treated like that. So what if she walked out of the unit? That doesn't mean she wants to walk home in the bitterly cold dark along a dual carriageway and uninhabited, unlit forest/countryside for eight miles (especially with ear infections and sinusitis)...

Have people no empathy at all??

"He's not responsible for you. You take responsibility for your actions not him"

Bollocks to that.

When I married DW I vowed 'to love and to cherish'. Leaving her to walk 8 miles home in the fucking dark certainly wouldn't be doing that.

I wasn't making excuses. I was explaining why this can happen and for those saying it would be the end I can honestly say leaving my husband when he stropped off probably saved my marriage. I was at the end of my tether with moody stropping and the shock of being left made him stop it. It has nothing to do with sex, I am female but my husband is disabled. I still have a breaking point.

I notice the OP didn't come back and say she had never done this before. That is quite telling to someone like me and others who have lived with this behaviour.

You walked out. He's not responsible for you. You take responsibility for your actions not him.

Really? So you honestly think it's acceptable that she had to walk 8 miles home in the dark, along a dual carriage way where anything could have happened. Fucking hell, I cannot believe there are people here who honestly think the DH did no wrong.

If my partner walked off to clear his head, because that's all the OP was doing, I would not drive past him, fuck off home to bed and not even worry about how he was. I would do what most decent folk would, pull over, ask him to get in the car, then go home and have a good talk. Leaving here there is unnacceptable, and you lot that think she's in the wrong, I just despair! I understand if OP did it all the time like a PP's husband, but as a one off.....disgusting!

Sounds like Aspergers to me. Perhaps do some research and see if this fits? Your post could have come from any one of the Facebook support groups for partners that I'm in. (Might be worth considering narcissistic behaviour as a possibility too.) It can feel as if you're the one going mad sometimes especially when others see your problems from a neurotypical viewpoint and offer advice accordingly without realising the extreme behaviour that you're living with day in day out and the impact this has on absolutely everything in your life. I was told the other day that my husband is 'just being a bloke' for example, which apparently isn't uncommon. Good luck with it all!

BettySwollocks you have to live with this behaviour to understand it. Several people have said what it is like. You are taking this as a once in a lifetime event. For all you know the OP does this several times a week, ruins all special outings and ends most days with an atmosphere. She might be a paragon of perfection 99% of the time but you don't know and neither do I.

The moral of the tale is that if you don't want to walk home don't walk off assuming someone is going to stop and coax you into the car and then put up with the sulks that normally ensue. Believe me you don't get thanked for your consideration when you do stop.

It's quite clear that the OP is doing what many DV victims do - revealing only the immediate problem and leaving out the other/historic incidents which would provide a rich context for her own behaviour - as this information would automatically result in a swarm of "LTB"responses which she's not quite ready for. Seen it time and time again.

Nevertheless, she's already revealed enough to understand that this man is a headfucking crazymaker. It's quite telling that he slept well. This is is because he'd done exactly what he wanted to do and enjoys doing - picking an argument, winding her up, have and take opportunity to respond with cruelty and then blame it on her "crazy behaviour".

Textbook stuff for an abuser.

I'm shocked by the victim blaming replies, OP please ignore the voices here trying to convince you that this is partly your fault.

it doesn't matter at all what happened during your argument, fact is:

• he left you to walk alone for 8 miles in a non safe area, whilst you were ill, knowing you don't have a functioning phone.

• even after it became clear you aren't in a taxi (you would have been home sooner) he didn't try to contact you or went looking for you

• he did admit later he let you walk in a completely non safe area as punishment.

especially the last part is so cruel, so malicious I wouldn't forgive him. that shows such a cruel streak in him, I really hope you will find a way to separate from him.

1for sorrow I have lived with abusive behaviour, I left my almost 25 year marriage because of it, so I do understand. And yes my answer was as if this was a one off because there is nothing to indicate this is a regular occurence so we have to take it at face value.

BettySwollocks so if your abusive ex picked out the one time you stood up to him and used it to gain support for himself you wouldn't expect people to even consider that you might have had a reason? Giving advice without trying to understand the background is quite dangerous. In my case how would it have been helpful to tell my husband that I was a bitch for leaving him without transport and he should divorce me? I made my point, he realised it wasn't sensible behaviour and here we are years later happily married.

My mum used to do this all the time (I'm not suggesting you are OP). She would just flounce off. Did it at a funeral once. Then she'd expect everyone to rally around, looking for her, no matter what they were doing (like attending a funeral!). She'd also just drive off as well and leave you stranded.

I think what he did was cruel OP and shows that the relationship is dead. A lot of what you're saying doesn't make sense to me, for example, if you were so ill, how did you manage to walk 8 miles?

The way I read it is, you were frustrated and stressed because of your project. Your partner tried to help you but it didn't help. You lost your temper and stormed off and he left you there.

He might have left you there because you keep storming off and he's sick to death of it or, because he just doesn't care anymore. He should have gone back and looked for you because people who love and care about you, get worried about your welfare. He obviously just doesn't care.

I'm not sure how much of this is you piling it all on to win sympathy. 'I sighed and walked a couple of steps outside...I have Coronavirus...no battery on my phone...no money...8 miles....haunted woods...dual carriageways...'

It doesn't really matter. What matters is that your relationship is over and your partner is treating you with contempt. If it's a habit of yours to storm out and expect others to run around after you, then people eventually get fed up with it. It's immature and you need to stop doing it.

He dousngy care about you I'm sorry op

No one who has true care in their heart for their partner would let them do a 3 hour walk alone In a storm in the dark with a dead phone

Even if you had just had an argument
Especially as this kind of thing has been going on a while now...

I honesty think that it's over for him, weather he admits it or not, and your better off with a fresh start alone op.
All the best.

Im not doing it several times a week.. I'm not doing it several times a month, years or decades.

Haha the partner dousnt have Asperger's, he's just an abusive dickhead

And Asperger's certainly dousnt justify op being made to walk 8 miles alone

What a weird post

There are some real double standards on here in terms of mental health. When a man behaves badly, people pop up to suggest that he might be depressed/have autism/have dementia. It’s used to excuse pervy, lazy, abusive, selfish men all the time.

Here we have a woman who IS depressed, and ill, and she gets no allowances for her behaviour whatsoever.

Only men matter when it comes to mental health it would seem.

Sounds like Aspergers to me

FFS.