DP typically leaves house at 7am and returns at 8pm.

[Jaycee74]

I currently don’t work - all household management is left to me during the week. I get some help at weekend - but I have to ask. He generally cooks at the weekend. Do I have a right to feel pissed off?

I could have written a very similar post OP. My DH isn't a complete arsehole as he does pull his weight when he is here (and I mean when, he is only ever here at weekends basically). My DH is a workaholic and has blinkers on Mon -Fri. He leaves for work when it suits him and comes home when it suits. He does nothing apart from work.
He changed career and alllll the promises were made but again we are back to everything being on my shoulders, at least Mon - Fri.
I work part time, not that he cares/ notices. All school holidays are down to me to organise (and then he has the hump when the DC are "dumped" into holiday childcare - my DC are 2&4). If the kids are sick, me again!
I have had to put my career on hold as I can't attend all the training/meetings etc which will enable me to progress.
I actually think his life has become easier since we had children but mine is 1,000,000 times harder. He gave me all the promises about not ruining my career, he would come home early, he would work from home - a load of bullshit.
But he earns £££ so that's ok?

I am particularly annoyed today as I booked a work course last November for this Thursday- he will have to collect the DC from school and nursery (after school club so by 6pm). He gave me the usual "yeah, yeah, yeah" but messaged me this morning to ask wtf was this thing in his calendar about picking the DC up? How can he POSSIBLY do that? So I have had to arrange for my Mil to stay which is also met with disdain as we give up our room to her and sleep on the sofa bed in the lounge.
I have said I may as well give up work as he makes it so hard for me... but then I read all the horror stories on here and cling on to my job with my fingertips.

I also hear you about arranging building work- we are having some work done, I have arranged all the estimates etc. He is completely disinterested. Work starts and he then decides to scrutinise everything and question everything. Infuriating!

And all those that think I should be grateful that I am able to work PT and spend time with the DC - he should be VERY grateful that I am here looking after the DC so he can work unfettered.

I am genuinely appalled at the behaviour of some your DH's on here. Fucks sake its not the 1950s, why are they not getting there arses home from work and pulling their weight???

@Fleurchamp And of course knowing that every change to working hours, training course etc will need sorting out impacts on our careers

I am particularly annoyed today as I booked a work course last November for this Thursday- he will have to collect the DC from school and nursery (after school club so by 6pm). He gave me the usual "yeah, yeah, yeah" but messaged me this morning to ask wtf was this thing in his calendar about picking the DC up? How can he POSSIBLY do that? So I have had to arrange for my Mil to stay which is also met with disdain as we give up our room to her and sleep on the sofa bed in the lounge.

In this case HE should be arranging childcare as HE forgot.

Your DP isn't listening to you...ask him to read both of these blogs hopefully the penny will drop....good luck xx

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

Your husbands are treating you like employees. This does not end well and it is very corrosive to the relationship if not addressed properly.

He will assess you in terms of what hasn’t been done and you will come to resent his attitude. This is a recipe for a split; a stupid man will ignore the issue for his own comfort. Some of this is deliberate, some not. A lot of professional people think what they do really matters - the proof it doesn’t is if your family falls apart.

@SueEllenMishke and when Thursday rolls around and there is no childcare... he would have just swanned out to work completely oblivious. This has happened before, we discussed, he agreed, forgot/something more "important" came up and he just carried on until I blinked and sorted it out. He just assumes all childcare is mine. He does take some of his annual leave during the school holidays but makes it very clear it is so I can work.

Maternity leave is what changed everything for us, I wish I had insisted he took shared leave with me. Hindsight.

@SueEllenMishke and when Thursday rolls around and there is no childcare... he would have just swanned out to work completely oblivious. This has happened before, we discussed, he agreed, forgot/something more "important" came up and he just carried on until I blinked and sorted it out. He just assumes all childcare is mine. He does take some of his annual leave during the school holidays but makes it very clear it is so I can work.

But he's realised now...he has a couple of days to arrange childcare. His behaviour is outrageous. Why are you letting him get away with it? I know it's easy for to say but this would be a deal breaker for me.

My DH has a really stressful full on job. Tuesday is his day to pick up from school but he's just been called into a big meeting which will go on until late...he's just phoned me to tell me MiL is picking DS up. It took him 2 mins to organise.

I am utterly staggered by the amount of women here who think it’s perfectly reasonable that a man should do LESS once children come along - what the fuck are you thinking?!

Having kids means more work, not less, the fact that the men in your lives have trained you not only to skivvy for them, but be grateful for it is incredible.

I work full time, my partner is currently out of work. We don’t have kids, but I still do more than you’re misogynistic lazy twat of a husband. And guess what, if we did have kids, I’d expect to do even more, not less!

Can’t these handmaidens see that simply having to work, and having everything else done for you, not even being expected to put your plate in the dishwasher, is a fucking luxury?

*your

I have also had a long career in the corporate world and seen many men in by 7:30 and leaving late......there were no meetings then and they were 100% avoiding the grunt work and stress points of family life - but no doubt like OPs DH after a long leisurely lie in on a Saturday morning they were happy to swan about on a “family” afternoon activity (no doubt organised by their DW who had already managed the DCs 24/7), well rested, playing Disney Dad.

If you don't have handy relatives, a lot of emergency help with school age dc is done through the network of other mothers you have managed to create/maintain and which your dh tends not to have a handle on. Of course, he did bugger all the organising play dates or birthday parties in the early years when some of these relationships were being formed.
The roots of our unfair division of labour go deep.

But you know it’s those moments of getting socks, shoes, coat, hat, mittens on, getting them dried after a bath etc which are truly emotionally intimate bonding experiences and developmentally critical for your DCs - and HE is missing that. So maybe in those moments be present and value those opportunities with your DCs - don’t let resentment about him pollute your mood at that time.

We don’t have kids

So how do you know how things in your household might chance if you did?

Nice lecture on how stupid mothers are and how they made an active choice.

If only it were that simple.

@AngelsSins not really sure how you can comment without having children, do you think people are largely happy with how the chips fall?

@RedToothBrush

Agreed, before kids we both worked hard and played hard. We shared chores. Having DC has destroyed that balance. I wouldn't have married him, let alone have kids if he had been a lazy slob pre DC.

I don't actually think my DH is that terrible, he very much does his share at the weekend but somehow Monday - Friday he doesn't seem to think about anything other than work. He also thinks that as I am home more I should do the housework, I kind of agree and I think it is a waste of time for us to be cleaning at the weekend when we could be out doing fun things BUT it isn't always that simple when you have a vacuum cleaner hating 2 yr old wrapped around your leg.

The other thing that annoys me is that he can manage to arrange his dentist, physio etc appointments for during the week but if I want to do anything like that I have to ask his permission arrange for him to be home. Same with any nights out - he rarely sees his friends but if he does he goes straight from work (often at 6pm, so he can leave early) but if I want to make a gym class/ see a friend mid week I have to arrange it in advance and he treats it like he is doing me a favour.

Grrr, I am on one today. Sorry.

drop by his office around 6-7pm and see if he is in attendance. discuss why he is away from home for thirteen hours a day . explain your stress from being alone so much

@AngelsSins you don't have children, you have no effing clue how hard it can be to juggle work and a family. But well done for calling us all stupid

you don't have children, you have no effing clue how hard it can be to juggle work and a family.
It's a hell of a lot easier to juggle work and family when you have two actively involved parents.
I can't believe the amount of excuses that are being posted.

Absolutely concur with the ‘asking permission’ to leave the house. Even for a haircut! Even for a bloody shower inside the house!

I even find myself saying - if I have a shower, that means I’m no longer in charge of the baby. This means you need to keep an eye on him...

This is ridiculous. You are being utterly played by these men. Why say they are good husbands? They are making out like bandits while you defer to their status.

They clearly communicate all child rearing and domestic work is on you. I mean, really? Making complaints isn’t going to change things - claim equal status, and just get out there. You are being negotiated down, as they say.