DP typically leaves house at 7am and returns at 8pm.

[Jaycee74]

I currently don’t work - all household management is left to me during the week. I get some help at weekend - but I have to ask. He generally cooks at the weekend. Do I have a right to feel pissed off?

I was working full time a couple of years ago, caring for DD and doing the majority of housework - and fully responsible for the ‘mental load’. I have had many, many discussions with him about it - but nothing really changes. He thinks he is disorganised and has trouble remembering things. He never keeps an eye on the time. I don’t know if this is permissible, and just a personality trait - or whether someone CAN change these things. Or whether he needs to - and I just accept that this is my role?

The difference was that my full time job was 8 til 4.30 / and I was not working during school holidays.

I actually understand why you are frustrated. My DH works 5am- 9-11pm every single day, but he has zero choice as hes a farmer. I hate it, and it nearly ended our marriage. We did sit down and have a good talk last year and he now takes 4 days off a month. Though these are sometimes not full days. Im planning on going back to work full time soon as I need adult interaction. Maybe have a sit down talk and do up a cleaning rota, Make him aware of his jobs.

I think it depends what you both want from life.
If you want short term pain for longer term gain then it’s reasonable to support his career to enable him to step into higher earning positions whilst your young. It means you’re both working hard in different ways. It’s what we chose and it worked for us but was very hard sometimes. Long term it’s been brilliant and allowed us to be much more comfortable as the children hit their teenage years. Well have a very comfortable retirement when we decide to reduce our work. We’ve also been able to help the children get started.

If your priorities are short-term then he might need to look at reducing his hours a bit.

The early babyhood stage is only a few years so I’d think carefully about reducing income and career prospects before so doing.

The fact that when he was single his wash basket was over flowing ..... and his mother moved in to do it all tells you all you need to know......

What happened after - did you unconsciously take up this role when he was single, when you were living together pre kids?

He sounds like a spoilt misogynist entitled man-child. He is treating you with contempt.

He doesn’t care about you - he doesn’t see you as a team.

You need to communicate (deep breath - no blaming or shaming) and decide if you are a team and then collaborate and negotiate a plan that makes you both happy. Start strategically. Talk through your “family values” - your aspirations on time and emotions for this challenging period of your life - and how you can both equally contribute to achieve these. Maybe time for both of you to attune to your children is more important - so housework is minimised, relegated or outsourced. Same with his work hours - they will need a change to allow him to engage in the team effort and mutual support that is a family.

His response to this approach - ie what he really wants, how much he is prepared to work with you will tell you everything. If he is obstructive and resistant - then you need to call him on it - tell him that if you are not compatible then you need to go your separate ways.

What was his family / gender role blueprint growing up?

Kindness and respect is what you should be aiming at for each other.

The plate on the side is deliberately passive aggressive. Have you read the v famous article “My wife divorced me because I didn’t put the glass in the dishwasher” ....?

I was working full time a couple of years ago, caring for DD and doing the majority of housework - and fully responsible for the ‘mental load’. I have had many, many discussions with him about it - but nothing really changes. He thinks he is disorganised and has trouble remembering things. He never keeps an eye on the time. I don’t know if this is permissible, and just a personality trait - or whether someone CAN change these things. Or whether he needs to - and I just accept that this is my role?

Sorry didn’t see this before I posted. V entrenched behaviours.

Does he behave like this at work?

My husband used to be out the door at 5.30. Home at 10-11pm.

I was never annoyed. He worked hard for our family. He deserved a bit of a break. I was a SAHM. He walked 10-15 miles to. So I could have the one car we had

It’s all paid off now. He’s home most of the time. Higher up. Well the highest he can go. He helps out more. I knew it wasn’t forever.

I am beyond shocked that anyone believes yabu!! Wtf?!? Yes your dh works long hours, but on top of that he is completely oblivious to the work you put in to make your family life work. I have a friend ina similar situation, her dh doesn't get home til gone 9pm every night, and she feels really alone. She does everything in the house, AND works. Personally I could not put up with that, as I know that being at home with children, and managing the mental load of family life is much harder than going to work. You have my sympathies OP, yadnbu, your dh is being a dick.

I bet he manages to make meetings and deadlines at work though, and doesnt roll in there at 10ish every morning because he "didnt keep an eye on the time".

The whole post to me reeks of "you treat this house like a hotel" in the most literal way - he gets in to a cooked meal waiting, and then throws the dirty plates in the kitchen for housekeeping to sort out.

No, I shall read that! Again, I’m reading all posts with interest! Thank you all. I think I am generally ok with doing household stuff, sorting out our building work etc. It’s the annoyance over - what appear to be silly things - eg the glass not put in the dishwasher. One huge recent annoyance was that I’d put the bin out, only for DP to bring it back in because he thought Weds was bin day - not Thurs, so I had to put it out again! I don’t get THIS. How can someone not know? I do often think it’s passive aggressive e.g he said he has ‘memory loss’ over bins at a friends party at the weekend - and then told me the next day that this was a ‘joke’

He does make meetings and deadlines - but he thinks his main downfall at work is being disorganised.

The only thing I can compare it to - or maybe understand - I am TERRIBLE - with technology. I have a complete mind block - and completely rely on someone else to do it for me. Is this the same thing?

And I’m a teacher - so timetabling, thinking ahead, planning, caring - is my area of expertise!!

Oh no - he is being passive aggressive and contemptuous to YOU. The bin thing is an example. When you called him on it and he said it was “a joke” - is standard bully response.

What are his parents like? Often if a child experienced a parent as overbearing, controlling and/or angry - and they were powerless to respond - they re-enact and take it out as PA in intimate relationships and with other authority figures (work) - may be subconscious. So an action enough to unsettle / disrupt but not quite enough for the other person to call them out on it without sounding petty for that individual action.

But it is the pattern you need to log to see it.

PA types slowly drive you to resentment and anger - so that you blow up and express the rage that they are repressing.

Blimey Gutteron! You could have a point. I love his parents, but can see that his Dad is overbearing - but I like him a lot!! Dad clearly has undiagnosed dyspraxia and is highly intelligent. DP would never, ever blow into a rage. He is one of the calmest people I know.

I think you just sound lonely op.

Have you read this article? She divorced me because I left dishes by the sink.

www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288?guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubXVtc25ldC5jb20vVGFsay9hbV9pX2JlaW5nX3VucmVhc29uYWJsZS8zNzkzMjU4LS1JbmNvbnNpZGVyYXRlLWxhenktREg_cGc9MyZvcmRlcj0&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAAAMaV6gnYpfJ8yNDMsHEgFb22j9RLOaTxiuDJzKZcgiiX8Hj40yqTwHaOhcsYzZvYV1ReXKoZcYfSsS9bCRdX-ehB0qG3nVneQgkjqcQbUi0HpNZATemtx6_L77qsQeM9U0gY6DQJ0xBrezY5nnSw6BH3-vAf2Jwo26t6vobmsXT

Oh no PAs are not calm at all.

That “calm” front is fake. He is likely avoidant - terrified of conflict. Inside PAs are agitated, angry, resentful etc......so they takes it out on specific others by stealth. They can’t do confrontation and so are unable assert their needs.

This will crush you - but it has nothing to do with you personally. It has nothing to do with the actual chores. Read up about passive aggression - he might well sabotage his career as well as his marriage. He needs therapy to understand any potential dynamic with his Dad.

Don’t let him (this dynamic) turn you into someone you are not - exhausted, resentful, angry.

And yes it is v v emotionally lonely being a a RS with someone PA. Its confusing because nothing is said, there are fake smiles and no raised voices - but no emotional intimacy.

.Gooddog, that article made me cry. Nutshell. Gutt - definitely avoidant. Today - a difficult conversation with our neighbours will be instigated by me. I’m dreading it - but I absolutely know that he won’t do it. He would never have therapy - I always thought I’m the one who needs it.

Gutt - NO emotional intimacy. Spot on.

Good luck with the neighbours. Make sure to pat your own back that you did it, wheter it goes well or not. At least you did it. Maybe try and look at it as a test for yourself, like a list where you can cross out how much you actually can handle all by yourself without any help what so ever from him. After a while you will probably notice you don’t actually need him (unless he is prepared to change). It’s about being involved in your family life, not necessarily doing the cleaning or putting the bins out etc. About caring, and little things do matter..a lot.

I think you need to pick out what's making you unhappy and work out what you can do about it.
If he needs to work those hours then I'd say getting home and putting dc to bed is good going but if you feel he's malingering there to avoid home duties then that's not fair - we can't know that.
The things that jump out are sleep, the building works and putting his shit in the dishwasher.
So can you discuss calmly one evening and formulate a plan? Eg as he has one sleep in at the weekend can you have the other morning? Suggest he takes them out so you actually get peace.
Can you set aside an hour every weekend to work out what needs to be for. Re building and who's going to do it? Write it down and refer back the following week
Re the dishwasher - it feels like he's being disrespectful and tell him this but the chances are he's just being thoughtless and there's no malice intended

That’s not a RS Jaycee :

1. ZERO emotional support for YOU
2. YOU taking on ALL of the family practical and emotional burden
3. And if that wasn’t enough neglect HE then emotionally and practically SABOTAGES you.

Do your research, see where the issues are. Ask him (one last time) to work with you as a team - to go to therapy alone or together. If he doesn’t want to work with you - then conclude and communicate to him that you are not compatible and move on. You will be much more effective as a parent to your DCs emotional development if you are not drained by him.

What is your family background. Often PAs target women who are self sacrificing and over responsible - who give a lot and expect little in return.

We have recently moved and our new house needs building work. He had initial enthusiasm to do this - but we have hit a few snags - he now shows no interest/motivation at all - so this is left to me.

Brakes on. Bring this to a screeching halt.

You are going back to a v demanding job, you have 2 young children, zero support and a disconnected DH. Prioritise your young DCs and addressing the issues in your marriage / family life this year.

He's 100% taking the piss.
If a SE has to work 13 hours every day, they are incompetent.

I've worked at companies all over the world. Some very large ones everyone has heard of. I've been a Director, an Engineering Manager, etc. and unless there was a serious problem or a big release, nobody was in the office until 10 - 11 at night.

That said, there were some men who stayed back to avoid their wives or avoid having to do anything at home. They'd come in at 6 or 7am and they'd stay until 6 or 7pm. They weren't working the entire time, that's for sure. They would be gaming, watching streaming tv shows, youtube, whatever.

I get why you're upset. You are pretty much a single parent.