DP typically leaves house at 7am and returns at 8pm.

[Jaycee74]

I currently don’t work - all household management is left to me during the week. I get some help at weekend - but I have to ask. He generally cooks at the weekend. Do I have a right to feel pissed off?

DH works FT and I work PT. working mothers still have to take care of a house and the kids.
So should working fathers!!
Some of these responses are so 1950’s. He’s out providing for you so he doesn’t have to do much. His work means you have the luxury of staying home (yeh Cos two small kids at home is such a luxury).

Erm...I manage to go to work and do shit. Ok am PT but still.

Why can’t a working father help at night?
Shock horror some women go back to work FT and still have to get up at night with a baby. Suddenly a man can’t do that? Because he’s so goddamn special because he works and he needs his sleep. What a load of bollocks.

Some women love the race to the bottom with their shitty husbands who never changed a nappy or did a single wake up at night. And what the hell has the military (poster above) got to do with it?!

Being a man at work doesn’t mean you get to opt out of family life. Bringing in money doesn’t mean she has to be a skivvy.

Draw the line now. And draw the plan for when you’re at work. Do a chore chart or rota system of something.

The man can’t even put a plate in a dishwasher for fucks sake.

a software engineer

my eyes couldnt roll enough.

I've worked with lots of software engineers.

That is very much a job that you can come home from and still put a dish in the dishwasher.

What does he think that software engineers who are single do? Or software engineers who's partners work full time.

There are very few jobs which mean that you can't put a dish in the dishwasher and expect someone to get up at 6 to do it for you.

Surgeon. CEO of multinational. Lorry driver. Examples of where it could be justified (but even then not really).

Software engineer? Jesus wept.

Just because he works late doesn’t mean he can do fuck all in the house.

Jaycee this needs sorting before you go back to work because it will get worse.

If he doesn’t need to be at work and isn’t after a promotion he needs to get his arse home.

Dh works till 8 most nights but he owns the business so needs to be there. And yeah if he could get away with clearing his own shit up or contributing to house hold chores he would. But I’m always here reminding him I’m not his mum and to get it sorted.

quite a few employers will push you out of your job if you do that.

Then you find a new one.

I worked for one of these once. Never have since.

Jaycee, you are just bored, and having too much time alone to ponder is making you see shadows. Small children are adorable, but time-consuming, and you sound as if you are missing company and conversation (even trivial stuff) with friends, colleagues and acquaintances. Now is probably to look for something to get you back into the adult world, even for a few hours a week. There needs to be a balance that means you have interests and have conversational material. Both for your sanity and to protect your family.

You are being unreasonable. If you were both working full time same hours the share household duties.
As you're not, then you do it.
Would you prefer to swap roles with him?

I'm sure you can manage to send a couple of emails. You had time to write and update this.

I don’t mean this in a bad or critical way but it Sounds like your starting to both be two people with lives apart, doing what needs to be done to get through the day to day existing, loosing the connection of each other, it so easily happens when both people are frazzled, but resentment will soon creep in for both of you if you let it. Sit talk and reconnect is the first thing while you still love each other. If it takes you to be the first one to give him a kiss and a cuddle be the bigger person and just do it. It’s gets better and easier as the kids get older. It takes constant work to come out the other side still liking and loving each other.

Wow Bookmeonthesudexpress

For 3 years as a SAHM your DH did nothing?
No dishes no laundry no cleaning no wake ups no cooking no looking after his own children. Is that what you’re saying? Bins? Bill management? House admin? Diy?

What? He did nothing?

And you say this like you’re proud. Thank god some men have realised having a dick and having job doesn’t mean you have lost the ability to run a hoover round the house.

Let me ask you this: If a man works from 7am-8pm and is single how the fuck does he get anything done?!?! Does the laundry get done magically?

DH used to leave at 7am, return 7-7.30pm. I'll give it to him, the moment he walked in he was hands on, bathtime, finish cooking, bedtime - he'd always pop into see DD even if he'd missed the bedtime thing. On top of that he was studying for a degree, so studied many nights late into the evening and weekends, although he made sure he spent time with us Sat afternoon/evening. If wasn't great, we made the mosts of our time together and meant I could run the house as I wanted, watch was I wanted on tv etc - ie I tried to turn a negative into a positive.

Childcare is work, and bloody hard work at that. You don't get breaks and you don't get a minute to yourself. Without support at night, you also don't get adequate rest.

You are doing real labour that continues around the clock, with no recognition of that fact and no wages. You should feel pissed off.

Remind him that if you weren't there, he would have to pay someone to do everything you do, and it wouldn't be cheap. His labour is not more valuable or important than yours just because it happens outside the home. What you do enables him to further his career in a way yours won't be.

You aren't a housemaid. He lives there, and he is also a parent. Tell him he needs to cut back work hours and do his bloody share.

Shock horror some women go back to work FT and still have to get up at night with a baby. Suddenly a man can’t do that?

My DH doesn’t have breasts? What is he supposed to do chest feed a baby?
(And yes I went back FT at 12wks post birth so yes I was still the one doing night feeds because biology)

I see multiple threads like this on MN all the time and people still act as though being a SAHM to a small baby and doing all household chores isn't real work.

Misogynist BS.

No you don’t have a right to be pissed off.

If that's essential hours re: work then I think it will have to fall to you in the week right now and you will both have to work smartly at the weekend to minimise the weekday load. If he's out for so long cos he's down the pub or gym before or after work then he needs to prioritise.

@Onetickettomars is the main problem the working hours? Most be lonely for you and exhausting for him.

That commute is a killer, I couldn’t do it. If it is costing you family Time, and risking your marriage, could you not move closer to his work?

What the fuck am I reading?

Your just bored..

You do all the house hold duties, you’ve got time to email..

Just because she’s home doesn’t mean she has to get taken for granted she’s had no real sleep since March!

Are you honestly tell this to your daughters when they come to you shattered and feeling down? Fuck me I though it was 2020 not the 50s

No you don’t have a right to be pissed off

Yeah just shut the fuck up and get on with your wife work

Some awful replies here, it’s like that ‘mental load’ cartoon, some posters here are putting a superhero cape on him because he goes out to work and the OP should keep her mouth shut as she’s lucky he is letting her stay at home.

Regardless if OP is a SAHM he is a grown man so he can put his own plate in the dishwasher, working full time does not make him incapable of doing basic chores.

being a SAHM to a small baby and doing all household chores isn't real work.

I agree. It is real work and SAHMs should expect to put in the full hourly load. It needs to be seen and treated as a FT job with long hours and unpredictable breaks. When both parents are home, the work should be divided equitably. I remember wanting to physically attack a work colleague who when I returned after my first asked me “so how was your baby vacation? So lucky you had three months off work!”

@ Faffandahalf. I just read your post and you summed up what I wanted to say.

planddrac
I FF so didn’t have that problem. 🤷🏽‍♀️
But I wasn’t talking about at 12 weeks. I meant after a year of ML which is what OP is most likely doing. Most women stop BFing by then but babies still wake up etc. My friends daughter wakes up in the middle of the night at age 3 bawling. The Dad wakes up and ends up sleeping on the floor of her room!

The other thing I had a moan about is that more effort is put into an excuse not to do a task - than to actually do the task e.g. the plate is left just above the dishwasher - I complain / I’m told it would have been done tomorrow if I’d left it. Surely the simplest option is to just put it in???

@Betsyisamum yep. It's depressing how the overworking of mothers is made completely invisible because it happens in the home. As if SAHMs just sit on the sofa all day reading magazines and not working their arses off keeping a tiny irrational person clean, fed and entertained, on top of all housing duties. Same sexist shit, different decade.

And what the hell has the military (poster above) got to do with it?!

Because, as the poster actually said, those ppl can be away on deployment for up to 9 months, leaving the spouse to do everything 24/7. And in comparison, just like a single parent, that's harder than the OPs situation, as there is no support or help at all. I guess pp was saying it could be worse?
Been there, done that. Its very hard.

Well...my DP works similar and I'm out of the house 8-545 so I shoulder most or the housework cos he's out longer and brings in more money. I don't resent it but maybe I'm missing your point?