DP typically leaves house at 7am and returns at 8pm.

[Jaycee74]

I currently don’t work - all household management is left to me during the week. I get some help at weekend - but I have to ask. He generally cooks at the weekend. Do I have a right to feel pissed off?

I think your dh is taking the piss. So easy to skive off home life when you're an office worker.

Returning to an office job for me was like a holiday compared to the horrific early years of childcare. Christ, you get to finish a cup of tea for a start! You can sit down for longer than 10 seconds, go to the toilet all by yourself, talk to other adults, achieve automatic social status, nobody vomits on you, and someone hands you money at the end of the month!

Unfortunately I never managed to get my ex to return home from work earlier than he chose to and the resentment I harboured was massive so I have no words of advice.

Just because others might be worse off, it doesn’t mean you need to be happy with your situation. You need to communicate with him about what you’re unhappy with and what you want to change. Don’t put up with it if it’s not right for you.
FWIW it’s much easier being single and having sole responsibility for kids and home than having an idle manchild to look after too.

I think you've been given a hard time here, OP.

If he needs to be out the house that long to fulfil his required working hours, YABU. If, as it sounds, he's staying late, YANBU.

I've heard a good few men (and more recently women taking SPL) openly admit to staying later at work, often not even working, to get out of that hour or two in the evening when dinner, washing up, bath, bottle, (refusal to go to) bed have to be done.

I also have colleagues who live in the 21st century who will leave sharp to do bedtime and then, if they still have work to be done (because realistically many of us work overtime), working in the evening (assuming an office-type role, obvs). This is what my husband and I both do.

Well worth addressing now because he's going to need to pick up some slack once you're back at work. If you have the option to do compressed hours, a couple of long days a week will force him into it...

I work full time and my DP gave up work when our DD’s were small to be the main caregiver. I had a long commute and worked long hours. We took it in turns to get up at night. I would have been pissed off if he had left household jobs for me to do. Now our DDs are older and we both work and share household chores.

DH was always out at 6.45 and often not home until 9.30pm. We decided I'd be a SAHM and he would focus on his career. I wanted to leave a high flying one because I wanted to be at home. Was 34 when ds1 was born and had worked my socks off for 14.5 years. And took a lot of capital into the relationship.

As a SAHM, even with two DC I had sooo much free time despite doing all the childcare, laundry, shopping, cooking. And despite having children who were far from brilliant sleepers.

To be clear DH was perfectly clear he wouldn't clean or cook and he has spent a lifetime swerving Sainsbury's but he was always happy to pay for a cleaner.

My SAHM years were wonderful and far from drudgery. It takes me about 5 minutes to unload a dishwasher, 2 minutes per bed, tops, 5-10 minutes a day to put clean laundry away and bung on another wash. Tidy as you go along and teach the DC to help put toys away. Shopping was an outing.

We went to the park nearly every day, met mums for coffee, went to Monkey Music, Toddler Group, One o'clock club, story time at the library, etc.

We painted and did jolly phonics and counting and then played more at bath-time making coloured baths with drops of food colouring. We leaf kicked and pooh sticked, collected conkers and splashed in puddles.

DH took them out on Saturday mornings to give me a lie in and hehad a lie in on Sundays.

Overall we shouldered an equal load except mine was less stressful and tons more fun. Went back to work when youngest was settled at school - part-time then full. When I was full-time I took dc to school and was home by 6ish for many years and still did mist of the house stuff - mainly because dH earnt 10 x my salary at least and worked harder and had a much more stressful job.

The more I read back on this thread, the angrier I get.

No way could I get all the housework done when I was on mat leave. If I wasn't feeding, I was trying to keep baby entertained or pumping or trying to get something to eat (usually toast), popping out for a walk to grab something for dinner, going to baby groups, getting a coffee with another adult human that was invariably constantly interrupted by squawking baby or, shock horror, catching up on sleep after being up 4 or 5 times in the night. Yes, I could throw a wash on, catch up on a few dishes or fire off the odd email, but there was no way that I could do a proper clean of the house (dusting, hoovering, mopping, scrubbing bathrooms, ironing) or get peace for long enough to do a full food shop, online or otherwise. I can only assume the people who think you should be doing everything had one of those babies that started sleeping 12 hours at 8 weeks old, was happy plonked in front of the TV or eating snacks for hours, always kept down a full feed and didn't move til it was 18 months. (These babies exist. Then baby no 2 arrives, and is usually a shock!)

And your husband can fuck off with the weekend lie-ins. Seriously. I did all night feeds while I was on mat leave (because my husband drove to work, although in hindsight I still think I was a bit of a mug) but the pay-off was that he got up with the baby on Saturday morning so I could get a long lie to compensate (very slightly) for being up several times a night the rest of the week.

The women on this thread giving you grief honestly think they've got it all sorted. That is the very saddest thing of all.

If he is doing extra hours at work for no pay it’s not fair on you, It’s because he enjoys the job satisfaction. It can be lonely and exhausting to be left with house and kids with no support. He should do his best to come home earlier to spend time with you and the kids if only for a bit of moral support xx

And those extra hours at work are at the cost of you having any time to care for yourself and take a break.

I leave the house around 7.30am and return after 7pm. I have a longish commute and a pressured professional job. I am keen to ensure I make bonus so we can have a nice holiday. If I go straight to sport practice on my way home it will be 9/9.30pm before I get in.

Am I unreasonable? No I am working hard to make a nice life for the family. Perhaps your DH is doing the same.

Well... the professional person who does what this man is doing is playing with fire. Lie ins build resentment if you don’t get them too. You must be knackered. So often the resentment is huge because the professional who goes to work does not bear the mental load of children. When they are small that is huge!

Often such men lose themselves in work and assume it will be fine; their home life goes down the pan incrementally, the holidays are sour, the couple have little in common. It’s a mistake easily made but the undoing is often divorce, or more rarely, the couple collaborate to stop the drift to resentment.

The issue is you may love him now. But if this carries on you may not do. He may be stupid enough to think it’s all money. But of course money is not a proxy for family life and the people who think it is often make bad partners. Money is important, but it is not everything - the focus of your family needs to be redirected.

My exdp, also father of my 2 DC, used to work long hours inbetween 2 jobs and I was a SAHM. He'd leave at 9am and be back by 9-10pm, 6, sometimes 7 days a week. I was always appreciative of how mich he did and did all the house work, meals, putting DC to bed. I think it was the lack of adult conversation that got to me most OP, and the isolation and loneliness. I knew he was really tired after the long hours grafting but at least he was out of the house, spending time with people whereas I was home all day wiping vomit, changing nappies, making bottles etc. I don't think I felt annoyed, it was more jealously that he didn't have to do what I did, and I guess he may have also felt jealous that I didn't have to go to work for 12 hours every day. Its hard OP. Maybe have a heart to heart with him.

I don’t think you are unreasonable to expect your DH to do some housework/ admin/childcare when he’s not a work.
It’s relentless looking after small children.
The having to ask thing was a major issue between DH and I. I’d get cross trying to do everything and when I complained he said you should have asked. I countered that with well you could see it needed doing. It’s just an extra job having to give out tasks. He needs to be aware of what needs doing. I sent mine the cartoon the penny did drop thankfully.

He's voluntarily out of the house for hours longer than his set employment hours, with no extra pay, including a whole night away, for a meeting? Hmm.
And this while being uninterested in family life and responsibilities and picking at you being mean?

I’ll be honest, this wouldn’t bother me. I went through this with my DH and I actually really enjoyed having the house to myself, being the decision maker without interruption/contradiction about all the house/kids stuff. I got on much better/easier/quicker on my own. It ran like a fine oiled machine. I got on with things at the weekend (play dates, swimming, cinema) as if he didn’t exist. Just leave him sleeping and go out and do what you want. I often spent long lovely days with my kids at the weekends in the park or at the beach or seeing family. Much better than involving a reluctant/moody man. Plus you’re then the one building bonds/relationship with your kids. Let him sort his own bond out. Not your problem. I also started booking a babysitter twice a week for early eve 6.30/7 to come in and do bedtime while I went out to a yoga/Pilates class. Get your own life/interests sorted and you won’t care what he’s doing. Can you afford a cleaner?

and have a look for a gym near you like David Lloyd that has fun stuff plus crèche for the kids.

I look back at the years off I had as a SAHM with great fondness. Loads of spare time, seeing my children grow and not having to worry about money or the stresses of work.

What are you expecting him to do at 8pm?

I think its sad how many of you seem to dislike this stage in your lives. My babies were far from good sleepers and ds was unwell from 4.5 months with chronic asthma post bronchiolitis and both had severe, recurrent ear infections drom 7/8 months until grommets at 15 and 20 months respectively.

But I never found them or their care or keeping the house tidy a grind. Perhaps because before I had them I was out from 7am until 8.30pm in a high stress job.

DH could not have been as successful if we hadn't worked as a team and neither would the DC. Supporting DH fully extrapolated into our home in France, private schools for the DC, and an excellent lifestyle. I did return to work because I wanted to. Many many women esp at the school gates had a pop about his hours, and then a pop when we moved the dc from state, and then again when I went back to work for bottom dollar to retrain. Occasionally I bump into one and they have a pop because I was sooooo lucky. It wasn't luck. It was hard work happily done.

What redtoothbrush said
And he's taking the piss
Unfortunately although you shouldn't have to, you need to make expectations clear
Yes you should be doing majority housekeeping and childcare but ;
You don't pick up after him
He takes one night at the weekend
He gets home at a decent hour some days - I don't believe any extra work he has to do always seems to take the same amount of time
It's not all or nothing it's about him doing his share and actually id be questioning why he doesn't even see that himself - he is very selfish.

It strikes me on these threads that a lot of men seem to be on to a good thing. Presumably they had to contribute the housework pre-baby (or did the housework fairy do it?) but once children arrive, they seem to be absolved of any responsibility in that department. So actually, their lives have got easier post-children! Pretty impressive, they must be well chuffed with themselves!

I don't find much attractive about men who won't ever do housework or clean, regardless of how much they earn, and it's a shitty role model for their children too. I don't want my daughter growing up to think that cleaning and cooking is women's work.

I don’t think either of you is being selfish. It’s pretty relentless when you have young ones.

I think the problem is he works longs hours so feels entitled to not do much when he gets home and relax more at the weekend. But you also do long hours too! So maybe a compromise where you get time off for one day or part of a day at the weekend - and so does he. Maybe you can work this into some weekdays too - you can get 2 or 3 evenings where he will do the household and childcare stuff when he comes home . It’s about trying to be equal. Also, doing the childcare stuff will benefit him in the long run.

@OhTheRoses It's about priorities, though. I don't want my husband to miss his daughter's childhood because he's working ridiculous hours. I didn't have a child with him to bring them her alone, and he didn't have a child to barely see them. I much more value my husband being home to spend time time his daughter, cook dinner together, spend time with her in the mornings before work. That's the important stuff to me, not holiday homes in France. His presence is what we want.

I'm with @DesLynamsMoustache. I also wouldn't ever give up my job though, even if I only earned 10k to his 200k (not our actual earnings). To me there's more to work than money and him earning more doesn't mean my career is less important. So when I'm back at work, he'll be doing his share of childcare drop offs etc.
My Dp is so much happier and got a much better bond with the children since he reduced his work load slightly and that's making for a happier home and relationship.

I really wouldn't be happy with this set up
To me its not fair on you him or the kids
If I was you I would try and set aside some time to talk properly about how things can change

I think what worked for my dc was being brought up in a happy, secure home without a dissatisfied parent. I also felt incredibly privileged to be a sahm for 7 years. Far better for the dc that us sharing day nursery drop offs and pick ups. Pre children I had a very good career and have never spent time deep cleaning a house. Even before I met dh I paid other people to do that and when I was a sahm he did.

Thank you so much for your replies. I’m reading them all with great interest! I’ll read one that says I’m being unreasonable - and agree - and then read another that says I’m not being unreasonable - and agree with that too!