If I were to report my parents for historical abuse....

[oprahfan]

some of the details could be triggering re: historical child abuse

I am really struggling with what to do, if anything, about the emotional, physical and psychological abuse I endured during my childhood, adolescence and early adulthood.
I have been going through CBT and EMDR therapy for over 3 years now. It happened in England and Scotland.
The Dr who performs the therapies has warned me several times about going down the legal route, saying it would be harrowing, I would be chewed up and spat out basically.
My partner of 25 years, who has also been on the receiving end of my parents abuse has said not to take them to court.
I have seen my medical records from when I used to live at home, there are pages and pages about my mother and her manipulative behaviour, my role as a scapegoat, my father the enabler, brother golden child.
I still have flashbacks, really terrible flashbacks, I won’t give details right now.

My question is....can I make a report to the police? Can it be noted? Does it have to go to court? I still believe my mother is a danger to others, not just children. I believe she displays munchausens (not sure of spelling) is a compulsive liar, told me she was dying when I was in early pregnancy, tells anyone that will listen horrific lies about me.
I have not had contact with my parents for over 10 years, same with my brother, I blocked all communication.
I hated the horrific lies she tells other relatives about me, she has torn two sets of family apart.
I just want the truth out there. I’ve told the truth all along, yet I’m the one who has had to face the fire, stop the cycle of abuse so my children didn’t have to. The hardest work of my life. I could not have my children being unable to come to me, or hate me. To be alone. I had to be a good loving parent alongside my partner.
My children are grown now and we have a great relationship, they are doing well in their lives compared to my upbringing. I feel so cheated.
But why should my parents be allowed to get away with it?

My mum abused me. I dont want to go down the court route. I dont think it would give closure or bring justice.

Try the stately homes thread. Your not alone

Unfortunately, I don't think this would result in a prosecution. I think your therapist is right. Turn your focus on to you and how you can feel better within yourself. Your anger is hurting you more than your accusations will end up hurting them.

What do you think reporting them will do?

What if you make a complaint and they close it? What if you drag it all up and nothing gets done?

I’m all for you making a complaint. I’m just looking at the downsides.

I completely understand your need for justice, but I agree that this would not be good for you and your mental health.

By all means seek legal advice or contact your local police force for advice if you wish but it is likely to be very expensive and very long-winded to try to bring them to justice.

I wish it were better for you op

I should just say I feel slightly confused as the Dr I see has mentioned that if these things had happened recently, my parents would have been jailed. She is also surprised I’m still alive. Those were her words.
I am in terrible pain. To never have the pain acknowledged.
They have got away with it.

If you have reason to believe your parents might represent a danger to children/have access to children, you have the option to make an anonymous call to Social Services (in England). Are you in therapy at present, OP? You mention EMDR which I hope is helping. You have the right to be free of the past.

@Herringbone31 I take exception to the term ‘drag it up’. What they did was abhorrent. I live this every day.

Oh op. How difficult.

I totally understand your wanting them to pay for their crimes. I'd be the same.

Is there a way you can somehow get the truth out there so the people who have been fed the lies see the truth?

It really could all be bad for your MH health. But I appreciate so is that terrible feeling of it all being so unfair. X

I’ve been there. I’ve lived a similar tale. Drag it up isn’t a term to be offended at. It’s just words at the end of the day what they did is what you should be angered at. You asked for opinions. My questions still stand.

@Herringbone31
I do appreciate your opinion actually, and I’m terribly sorry to hear you’ve been there.
To answer your questions.
I have nothing to lose by stuff being dragged up. I love this every single day and I’m heading to 50 years old.
I would certainly like my complaint noted, if that’s any kind of answer.
Yes, I would probably be bloody upset if nothing got done. Just like it always has been. So I guess I have nothing to lose there either because I know how nothing being done feels.

LIVE this every day not love 😏

OP

I’m sending you all my most positive thoughts. Love. Care. I wish I could hug you in person

I just didn’t want you to go through speaking out loud about it (which is hard for me) with no outcome. If that makes sense.

My post came across much harsher than I meant it too

What would your case be? Did they physically abuse you? I understand it is traumatic but I think unless you have very clear evidence you could end up even more upset and disillusioned. So sorry

I also experienced abuse in childhood and have been in therapy so I do know where you are coming from but I don't think you will ever achieve your goal of having them prosecuted and publicly shamed. They will never admit to their wrongdoings.

@Herringbone31
Your post wasn’t harsh.
The term ‘drag it up’ was used by a cousin who also said that ‘they didn’t want to know’ of the abuse I endured even though they suffered appallingly at the hands of my mother.
Other people handle things differently, I guess. Which I accept.

Totally hear you. Was the same for me. Only 5 years of therapy and then training as a psychotherapist healed me.

It was so freeing for me when they died. And they didn't have good deaths, they died the way they lived.

@doyoumind
I wholeheartedly know they will NEVER admit to their wrongdoings. That’s a truth I accepted years ago. I don’t think it’s public shaming I desire either.

It sounds like you need to do this for yourself.

Could you approach the police or a solicitor for advice?
If it's all backed up with medical records surely you have a case?
It sounds appalling and I'm so sorry you went through that.
It's great to hear you now have a lovely family of your own and are having therapy.
Have a good think about what you want to achieve and how you think you'll feel if they are found guilty/not guilty.

@Craftycorvid thanks for letting me know about Social services in England and reporting anonymously. I have always wondered if a report would be taken seriously if it came from an anonymous source.

You mention medical records. Isn’t that clear enough evidence?

Could you get an opinion on this evidence as to whether it would be enough?

I’m sorry I have no experience but surely if you have medical records from the time it happened this would be important with regards to making a case.

@Janedoe82
trigger warning
Some of the physical abuse including slapping, hitting, kicking, items thrown at me, kneeing in the stomach, being dragged by hair etc.
There was neglect, I had to wash and fix my own clothes and shoes, wouldn’t buy me clothes, so I wore my brothers hand me down (the kids at school had an absolute field day with that in my teenage years)
She grounded me once for 6 months for going out to play with a neighbours kid (seriously)
The screaming in my face was horrendous. The name calling I still hear every day.

@IdblowJonSnow .........what a name.....at least you’re original.
Yes, your questions make sense. I could approach PoliceScotland, I am so very aware of resources, manpower etc, I have read their advice online about reporting of historical abuse. They say they will listen, have a family liaison officer assigned, etc, but I really do worry about how seriously I would be treated because there’s been no one else there for me. Life started when I met my partner and raised my children. No one catches and cares for you in local authority, in my experience.

@OldMumYoungNan
There are pages and pages and pages. That’s just the medical records.
This does not include the social work records. I can’t face looking at those.