If I were to report my parents for historical abuse....

[oprahfan]

some of the details could be triggering re: historical child abuse

I am really struggling with what to do, if anything, about the emotional, physical and psychological abuse I endured during my childhood, adolescence and early adulthood.
I have been going through CBT and EMDR therapy for over 3 years now. It happened in England and Scotland.
The Dr who performs the therapies has warned me several times about going down the legal route, saying it would be harrowing, I would be chewed up and spat out basically.
My partner of 25 years, who has also been on the receiving end of my parents abuse has said not to take them to court.
I have seen my medical records from when I used to live at home, there are pages and pages about my mother and her manipulative behaviour, my role as a scapegoat, my father the enabler, brother golden child.
I still have flashbacks, really terrible flashbacks, I won’t give details right now.

My question is....can I make a report to the police? Can it be noted? Does it have to go to court? I still believe my mother is a danger to others, not just children. I believe she displays munchausens (not sure of spelling) is a compulsive liar, told me she was dying when I was in early pregnancy, tells anyone that will listen horrific lies about me.
I have not had contact with my parents for over 10 years, same with my brother, I blocked all communication.
I hated the horrific lies she tells other relatives about me, she has torn two sets of family apart.
I just want the truth out there. I’ve told the truth all along, yet I’m the one who has had to face the fire, stop the cycle of abuse so my children didn’t have to. The hardest work of my life. I could not have my children being unable to come to me, or hate me. To be alone. I had to be a good loving parent alongside my partner.
My children are grown now and we have a great relationship, they are doing well in their lives compared to my upbringing. I feel so cheated.
But why should my parents be allowed to get away with it?

Not sure if this has been posted

www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/non-recent-abuse/

Take them to court, you'll be able to prove to the naysayers that you were right all along and you'll get the peace you crave

Sounds horrible but my question would be what have they done that is illegal/was illegal back then that you have proof of? Word against word probably won't suffice.

If you have the proof really proof that can not be argued away, as in 'the injuries came because she feel out of a tree' then go for it. If not then leave it as you will expect lots of time/energy and will end up just feeling they got away with it again.

I’m so sorry (for what it’s worth) for any of you who have experienced abuse.

I supported a friend reporting historic sexual abuse by her father. It was a long process, which was good - lots of home visits/calls with a named officer, explaining in detail what would happen if they arrested him, and always the ball in my friend’s court. He died before she made any decision to pursue. I think it helped her to start the process and explore/imagine some sort of acknowledgement by others (though the justice system) even if it didn’t result in arrest/conviction. She always felt believed by the officer.

But from experience on other things, there seems to be massive variation between police forces.

@Windmillwhirl
I think you’ve made some very valid points. But being heard , in court, regardless of outcome, IS something that very much would provide a source of empowerment.

Of course they know what they did. I also know they won’t acknowledge what they did.
I think your suggestion to get legal advice is a sound one, I’ve been given a lot of food for thought by everyone here, and I really appreciate what everyone has had to say. Thank you so much.

@RantyAnty
It’s interesting what you’ve mentioned there. I am starting to put together a lot of what happened into words. They’re a bit all over the place and I haven’t sat down to give it much structure yet. The school thing is difficult though. A lot of what happened is truly evil, harrowing, and I guess what I would have to say would only be suitable for much older pupils, definitely not primary kiddies anyway.

oprahfan yes, that was my point, being heard regardless of whether they are formally punished may well be the closure you need.

As a child you were at their mercy. As an adult you are not.

I really wish you well. For what it's worth, I'd pursue this as well. Your childhood was not what it should have been and the effects of child abuse are often long lasting. Take care x

@wombat1a
Your comments and questions aren’t horrible and are perfectly valid here.
I cannot say with 100% certainty what they did through the years was/is illegal at the moment.
There was police involvement even back in the 70’s and 80’s, but I doubt very much any records have been kept from that time.

However, there is a very damning report in my medical file from a psychologist who met with myself and my mother together who clearly identified my mothers manipulative behaviours, lies and commented that I was a scapegoat for the whole family. In her report to GP’s and the social work departments, because I was just over 16, she advised me to get out of the house. If I had been younger she advised that I should have been taken into care for my protection.
I have not seen my social work files, and I know here in Scotland, you can have access to them and copies provided accordingly. I have no doubt there is a lot of written evidence in these files. I’m not courageous enough yet to look at these.

@Levithecat
Again, you hit upon the differences between police forces. The abuse I endured happened between 2 countries, even though it’s the UK, the laws vary differently too.
Looking back to the 70’s to the particular police force in the area I resided, there was a lot of corruption. I suggest all police forces/services were like this. Looking with our eyes of today, it was/is scandalous. I know there is good work being done these days, but there is still much improvement needed.

@Windmillwhirl
You’ve got it 100%.
I was totally at their mercy.
Now I am the adult. And I want to be heard
I do not care one jot about formal punishment.
The wider family is broken anyway, has been for many, many years. No one would support them, except maybe a manipulated friend, which I can handle.
It damn well stopped with me. At least I know further generations of my little family won’t suffer.
Thank you Windmill for your valid thoughts.

I just want to say that I read your post about your own children and I think you're amazing. Your kids are happy and well adjusted because you made sure it did stop with you. You broke the cycle. Cycles of abuse passed down from generation to generation are common and it takes a pretty strong, kind, self aware person to put an end to it and say 'no.' You are that person. I see you. And I applaud you.

@EmmaOvary
I’m amazed, bewildered and delighted that my kiddiewinkles are well adjusted and functioning.....I can’t believe I had the pleasure of helping them grow up.
Many, many people comment on the type of people they are, how they work with others, their good humour, and their decency.
They notice when someone’s behaviour or demeanours are off, they stay out of the way and don’t engage at all.
They are appalled with what was metered out by my parents, THEY decided they don’t want my parents anywhere near them....we have 600 or so miles between us and my parents which is good ☺️. I knew I couldn’t ever have my children hating me, or having no one to turn to. They had to have a safe warm home to come home to, as an antidote to the going’s on of the world.
They also had space to explore, play with their friends, I am in awe of them, but I also know they are not my possessions. They are their own people. It’s just the truth, plain and simple.
You mention self awareness. Oh yes. Always had it. Can’t for the life of me understand why my parents don’t have it.
Thank you so much for seeing who I am.

Morning oprah

Go for your SS files. You’ll have to get them any way if you push this forward. It will one of the key points of evidence. Then you will have a better understanding of how this case will go forward.

It will be really interesting to know the outcome of this because it will certainly put food for thought in the minds of terrible parents that abuse their children that they may end up in court years down the line.

OP don't know if it is any comfort but I deal with child protection as an element of my work. I take great comfort from knowing that it is very different nowadays. It's not perfect but it is so much better. I know people around me knew at least some of what went on in our house. There was some social services involvement but I was too young to understand, all I know was it disappeared so I assume they didn't grasp the situation. It's difficult to understand why no one helped us in the years growing up, school, family, neighbours - but I really believe if it happened now somebody would act.

I found it really moving to read what you said about your relationship with your adult children. My DC are young and I really hope I will be able to say the same one day.

You say you are not remarkable but I know that is not always easy being a parent and I think how you really about your children and how you have done things differently is pretty remarkable.

It's unfathomable to think about hurting or scaring your children isn't it. I see my children as amazing and precious and all the things children are. I didn't feel like that as a child and that feeling stays with you. Of being less than, not innocent.

I hope you can find a way through your feelings. I don't think you get over things as such but I do think it's possible to find a way to be at peace. Given what you have described feeling and working through anger doesn't necessarily seem to be unhealthy to me. What you describe was sad and appallingly awful.

OP I didn't see your most recent post before I posted.... What a great post and testament to the cycle not being inevitable.

OP I have a very difference experience but I'm hoping you can relate to some elements. Mine involves medical negligence and an awful midwife whose actions destroyed my MH, nearly killed my newborn and the hospital then tried to cover it up. Now of course this experience isnt the same but I had a horrible sense of being violated and wronged, and worry of whether she would hurt anyone else. I went though the hospital complaints process and then sought legal advice. Now not only did this help me to piece together exactly what had happened (not just what I'd seen but concerns raised by others, test results etc) it also gave me a sense that I had pursued some sort of justice as far as I could even if it didnt result if anything more than an apology in the end. I felt that a weight had been lifted and I had some closure but also that I had given my side of the story to be recorded somewhere in case I see that midwife on the news in 5 years or whatever. I would urge you to seek all the files you can access and find out what was said by whom. Then see if you can talk to (or complain to) ss, the police or whoever else until you feel you've explored all the avenues you need to.

@Timeisticking
It is beyond my thinking how anyone could harm children. My fantasy is for a better world, a better understanding of what child abuse does to societies, never mind the carnage it does to the individual. Brain damage. Actual brain damage. Physiological illnesses and pain. And it’s massive. But humanity brushed it, and continues to brush it away. IT MATTERS HOW WE BRING UP CHILDREN .
There would be far less pressure on the police, health services, social work, schools, prisons, etc
I know with each generation there is hope.
In a way, like dealing with the death of a loved one, you never get over it. You can learn to live differently, and successfully. Some don’t make it.
But I do have peace, in the way that my sibling and my parents cannot contact me and spew their filth and bile in my direction. It is wonderfully freeing to take responsibility for your own life and I do feel joy, actually, even though there is terrible sorrow daily.
It is freeing to admit my failings, I don’t have any secrets from myself, nothing, absolutely nothing can be aimed at me. I admit my mistakes, I don’t cover up with a pile of lies. I am allowed to feel anger. It is right and proper that I am allowed. I don’t think in any way my anger is unjustified or unhealthy. Very very sad though. I have been given so much lovely food for thought from the likes of yourself, as well as others. I thank you .

@blackcat86
I can TOTALLY see why you had a sense of being violated and wronged.
You have shown great courage. I think that is the way forward. Getting the other files. Who said what to whom and to move on from there.
It is very rare to get the apologies we so richly deserve. The answer lies in living despite these people who seek to harm us. Live on purpose. Easier said, I know.
So pleased that you had the opportunity to give your side of your story and it is noted.
And I hope you and your child are living on purpose too.Thank you.

OP you are being heard and believed

I am a total stranger on the internet and I have stopped what I was doing, sat down and read several times everything you have posted here. I believe you and I ache for you- for the child you were who must have been so confused and alone; for the teenager who wore the shame of the neglect and couldn’t thrive and explore and for the adult you now are who still feels so much hurt.

Getting therapy now is brave but hard and I hope eventually it affords your mind some peace even if there is never clarity or understanding of how humans who were supposed to protect you could behave with so much evil.

I know you don’t feel like you have any justice but the life you have made with your DP and the way you have risen to bring up your own kids is nothing short of remarkable.

I have no idea how a child so terribly abused for their whole young life even makes a start on forming such healthy relationships as you have. You truly have an inner strength that is amazing. And that shows you you are worthy of being loved. You are capable of love and respect and you sound like you have that now is abundance.

I do understand your adult desire to make your parents face up to their behaviour- you want them to feel shame and regret and be made to acknowledge the terrible harms.
But they aren’t normal humans. They don’t feel the way we do. They are abusive monsters. Their hate will eat them up from the inside and I think your freedom from them is what you have won.
Don’t let them into your life again even in this way. There is sadly no guarantee the system wouldn’t let you down again.

The most I would do would be to consult a solicitor and see if a civil case is possible or even a letter to them letting them know the historic abuse is being reviewed using SS and medical records. Put the frighteners up them at least and make them anxious when the door is knocked.
Keep on with your therapy.

You are inspiring and incredible OP. Not many people get to be that.

I think that for me I have found some peace. Saying things aloud for the first time a few years back made me acknowledge what happen to me and my sibling.

I told my mil who said I probably deserved it ( I would have her grandchild removed for life it did what my mum did to them). My mother denied ever touching me. A few friends was outraged on my behalf. So the fact that some people validated my mums actions took me back to feeling like I was worthless and did deserve to be beaten at 4 years old, something in me clicked that it was terribly wrong.

So it's a mixed bag telling the world. For every person that believes you, someone will minimise it.

I feel bad like others that no one stepping in to help us. Evidently SS was called by my neighbour but mum fobbed them off. I do wonder about asking if there are files. But ultimately I know I can never get my childhood back. I know its damaged me. But I will never get closure or a acknowledgement. What ever path I take. Closure is my gift to give from within.

I'm not saying that's ok or for everyone but without support networks to help me through the process I know my limits.

Instead I fight for my kids backs all the time. I have two with SEN. I appealed to get them the possible chance in life education wise. So many people say that I go above and beyond for my kids. That's my reward. Being so much more than my mum could ever be

@Tellingitlikeitisnt
Holy moly, your post has really made me cry (not in a bad way)
I have no idea how I’ve managed to make healthy relationships, believe me, I’ve panned a lot of abusive ones. I do indeed have some very very special friends too, a small amount, but my word they are quality human beings, I can tell you.
My Dr keeps asking me how on earth did I manage to survive?
She asks what is it you have?
I can’t honestly answer her. I don’t know.
trigger
I did try to commit suicide a few times, and it never bloody worked. Couldn’t even manage that.
I fell. I blundered. I made mistakes. Big ones. Little ones.
I am, however, getting to the point where nothing phases me now. I’ve seen the worst, felt the worse. It does not frighten me. And no one frightens me. I get the measure of people very quickly indeed.

So. I’m still here.
Thank you so much for your thoughts. They are being taken in by me and are appreciated. This is MN at its very very best.

@Legoandloldolls
Being so much more than my mum could ever be
Just that.
You’ve got your kids backs. That is marvellous.
I know I will never get closure or acknowledgement. Accepted that years ago.
I know I’m damaged. But I’m functioning. It’s the likes of your posts that help me to function.
I know it will be a very mixed bag. It is down to me on the action I do or do not take now.
Thank you. Hope you and your little ‘uns have a great weekend.

Please please keep reflecting on the amazing and very moving comments from Tellingitlikeitisnt. I would read it over again and again and commit it to heart.

You are incredible oprahfan. You have literally taken my breath away.

This stands out for me:

"Don’t let them into your life again even in this way"

I wish you peace and a release from all that you have suffered

OP I was in the similar predicament. I made a statement so that it was on file. The police were great, it also gave me some sort of closure for myself. The advice I was given was just not to give the full name/dob of the abuser.

However if you still think she may be a threat to children, your moral compass should be to protect and in that case I would speak to social services in the area in which she still resides.

I was abused by my exh, psychologically, & sexually, I reported it to the police but the CPS wouldn't instruct them to charge him. It was harrowing sitting in a rape suite & having to be videotaped telling a policewoman every tiny detail of what he did to me, I suffer from PTSD & even now 10 years on things can trigger flashbacks. Even though he wasn't charged, he got a life sentence in a way, he suffers from MS & is now in a wheelchair having to have carers to do everything for him, ds won't have anything to do with him. He lives alone in an adapted bungalow. I try to look at this as his punishment, the bungalow is his prison cell, his illness is his life sentence, karma bit him on the bum.