@oprahfan Firstly I'm so sorry for what you've suffered. I know the pain of having just one parent who was an abusive arsehole, and still dealing with the pain of that in my 30s, so I really empathise and I'm sorry that you've suffered so much. I'm just going to share some of my personal thoughts, so im sorry to ramble, but I hope some of it is useful. I also hope you'll check out the Stately Homes thread here on Relationships, as it's full of people who've experienced what you and I have, and it is a place full of the most amazingly knowledgeable, experienced and compassionate people who will support you, regardless of your decision.
I do think, as other PPs have noted, that historical abuse cases can be so arduous for the survivor. It could be really re-traumatising for you. I know that you live this every day, but it could undo a lot of the work you've inevitably done. In the grand scheme of things, three years of therapy is not much when you've made it to your fifties dealing with all this. You will still be in the early stages of establishing trust and a safe space and dealing with the emotions that must have been bottled up so long...
I wanted to ask (not for you to answer here online but to ponder), do you feel that you and your therapist have a close relationship and one that is loving (in a safe, professional way)? The most healing thing for me to overcome my childhood was not processing the memories per se (though that has helped), but seeing a relational therapist (someone who uses more psychodynamic approaches) who believes that 70% of my healing will come from our relationship: the things he offers me that include consistency, security and safety, total non-judgment and, for want of a better word, the love that I did not get from my parent. I wonder if you were to get that, the need to prosecute/bring charges would settle, because you would feel - finally - heard and seen and totally validated, and loved.
However, at the end of the day, I firmly believe that you do what you have to do. I knew my parent wouldn't react well to the letter I sent telling them how I felt about their behaviour during my childhood, but I didn't send it because of the reaction I was looking for - I sent it because I needed to stop carrying that pain around in secret and pretending all was fine. If you feel, deep down, that this is what you need to do, then build up your support network, gather all the emotional resources you can, get yourself in the best mental space you can, and do it. But you need to do it FOR YOU, and not in some childlike hope that they will turn around and acknowledge your pain and that they caused it (I say that because I know that there was a tiny part of me that hoped for that - I think it's only natural for our inner child to want that!). So do it, but do it for you. But be prepared for the very many negative outcomes that could happen, and make sure you are in a financial position to keep seeing your therapist throughout and afterwards.
And finally, I think you'll need to come to terms with the fact that, most likely, whatever you do, however much therapy you have, for the rest of your life you will carry this sadness of what you missed out on, what was so unfairly stolen from you. I understand how hard that is to bear, but the sooner you can accept it, the more at peace you can be. To me it's a lot like grief. Sometimes it feels completely unbearable. Sometimes, it feels okay and like just a thing that is part of my life. I just hope one day I get to a point where it doesn't define my life (and I feel like therapy delays that and I'm looking forward to moving past therapy and being able to be a little less self-focused!). And I hope you get to that point too, and no matter what decision you make regarding reporting your parents, I hope that you find peace, and enjoy happy years on this earth, having survived what you survived, and clearly being a strong and resilient person who has built a life out of rubble. You deserve peace, and you are worthy of a happy life.
for you.
TrueRefuge