If I were to report my parents for historical abuse....

[oprahfan]

some of the details could be triggering re: historical child abuse

I am really struggling with what to do, if anything, about the emotional, physical and psychological abuse I endured during my childhood, adolescence and early adulthood.
I have been going through CBT and EMDR therapy for over 3 years now. It happened in England and Scotland.
The Dr who performs the therapies has warned me several times about going down the legal route, saying it would be harrowing, I would be chewed up and spat out basically.
My partner of 25 years, who has also been on the receiving end of my parents abuse has said not to take them to court.
I have seen my medical records from when I used to live at home, there are pages and pages about my mother and her manipulative behaviour, my role as a scapegoat, my father the enabler, brother golden child.
I still have flashbacks, really terrible flashbacks, I won’t give details right now.

My question is....can I make a report to the police? Can it be noted? Does it have to go to court? I still believe my mother is a danger to others, not just children. I believe she displays munchausens (not sure of spelling) is a compulsive liar, told me she was dying when I was in early pregnancy, tells anyone that will listen horrific lies about me.
I have not had contact with my parents for over 10 years, same with my brother, I blocked all communication.
I hated the horrific lies she tells other relatives about me, she has torn two sets of family apart.
I just want the truth out there. I’ve told the truth all along, yet I’m the one who has had to face the fire, stop the cycle of abuse so my children didn’t have to. The hardest work of my life. I could not have my children being unable to come to me, or hate me. To be alone. I had to be a good loving parent alongside my partner.
My children are grown now and we have a great relationship, they are doing well in their lives compared to my upbringing. I feel so cheated.
But why should my parents be allowed to get away with it?

Have you heard of Napac OP? you can contact them 0808 801 0331– 10am-9pm Mon-Thu & 10am-6pm Fri. It might be the best place to start as they would be able to guide you on the process and what to expect.

You might find this helpful. It's a guide to reporting (historical) child abuse. Napac can also recommend legal firms who specialise in non recent childhood abuse.

They also have support groups. You might find it helpful and validating to be amongst others who have experienced similar childhoods.

@category12
This is interesting. Something to do for myself. Which I don’t tend to do. You’ve hit the nail on the head. Thank you.

@LaurieFairyCake
I get the freeing feeling. I’m so sorry you went through it too. It’s crap. I know there are many unhealthy humans out there. Hurt people......hurt people.
I do feel joy at the peace I have from them not being in my life.

If you have evidence then that should surely make a more solid case.

I’d take both copies of the medical and social work records along to the local police station and go from there. Ask if the evidence is strong enough to have the law do something.

@12345kbm
Yes, I have been in contact with NAPAC, but it was a few years ago before I started the therapy, and bloody good they were too.
Thank you, I think they would be a very good port of call.
When you can’t see clearly because of the fog of anger, sorrow and trauma, this is where MN comes into its own. And your suggestion is a sound one.

@OldMumYoungNan
That makes good sense actually.

It's no problem. I wish you all the best with whichever path you choose.

I have a similar mother and understand you need for adjudication and some form of reckoning.
The courts are the absolute last place you should look to find this.
It’s really hard to let go but I promise you will be so much happier if you put your energies into coming to terms with the past, which you can’t change, and forging a better future.

Don’t waste any more of your life on the people who let you down so badly.

your need

@SleightOfMind
I know the law is an ass. They let the very people down that need them the most. Truth is a scarce commodity in these shops.
If anything were to be done, I don’t fancy going through with a trial, but if there was a verdict in my favour, I guess the pain would still be there.
Like those who have lost loved ones to other crimes. The perpetrators may have been disposed with in the courts, yet those left behind will always have a life sentence.
I am struggling to break through.
Triumphing over adversity? It ain’t happening here. Even just living, that would be nice.

@SleightOfMind
I hate to think of what you went through with your mother. I’m so sorry.

It’s a difficult one, you need to do what’s right for you, my upbringing was the same, very violent but also the nasty words and being made to stand for hours in the corner of a room, food depreciation and other stuff I can’t say I ended up doing anger management courses for my issues and my brother went to the Police, this was 20 years later (about 5 years ago) and after months of CPS deliberations, it didn’t even reach a point where they were interviewed. Social services were involved also. But each case is different so if speak with the Police and take advice otherwise you might regret not doing so if you feel so strongly.

@FAQs
That is awful to hear about your treatment at the hands of your so called Parents. And not even being interviewed? I’m so sorry.
You must feel so badly let down.
The CPS leave a lot to be desired.
It is the feeling that these horrible horrible human beings have got away with some despicable crimes.

I didn’t take the Police route I dealt with it via anger control courses, it helped me hugely. I tried counselling once and found it irritating. My brother went via the Police route and was left down again, although the Police were supportive, not the CPS as after very frustrating.

I’ve mainly dealt with my issues now, my ‘mother’ has cancer and I feel absolutely nothing. You need to find peace in yourself, as a child you had no control, now you are the one in control, it’s not where you started it’s where you control where you are going.

Having supported someone through court for rape not abuse I can tell you that I would hesitate to recommend it, it's is very harrowing to have your integrity and often sanity questioned.

Then to top it all you don't usually get justice as very few are found guilty.

*as you say, very frustrating (like my typing skills)

@Sickofpineneedles
Integrity is very important to me and always has been. I’m used to having my sanity questioned by those who have abused me and am totally ready for that. My own father used to scream at me I was mentally ill. So ironic.
Having said that, I don’t think in my heart of hearts I will ever get justice. Sad, but true.

They say they will listen, have a family liaison officer assigned, etc,

They say that. I would be extremely surprised if that happened and if you didn't receive a response that was traumatic in its own right. Best case scenario they'll just talk to you like you're a time waster and suggest you get some counselling. Nothing meaningful will end up logged (might just be that you were distressed and referred to mental health services).

It is completely outrageous they won't ever be held accountable and that the truth won't be acknowledged. It's shit.

In the unlikely event you called the police or walked into a police station and they weren't dismissive dickheads to you, then you would be the one investigated primarily. Your history and medical records would be trawled through to find proof you're not credible (and being mentally ill with PTSD is not considered proof of credibility but to make you less credible).

You would go through video interviews where you would have to relive all your trauma in more excruciating detail than you probably imagined possible (and definitely more than is usually therapeutically advised). Those interviews won't be complete until everything has been dragged out of you in graphic detail.

You'll probably be expected to trust on demand a succession of random people. You might build some trust up with one police officer over the course of your interviews and then suddenly without warning they'll be reassigned and you'll be expected to carry on with a stranger.

Once they've put you through the wringer and searched your life history they might - might - consider creating accurate records and they might possibly consider asking your parents some questions. Maybe. If they're elderly or have health problems it is unlikely they'd be arrested for that.

And then because this is non-recent abuse and they'll deny it and blame you it will all be dropped.

If it went to court you would be ripped apart and explicitly blamed and accused of being a fantasist. And then a bunch of people will decide a verdict based on random irrelevant stuff like whether or not you were emotional enough or if they think elderly people should go to prison (seriously, look at people describing the decisions and discussions that happen in juries).

And even if you got a guilty verdict people would insist it was a miscarriage of justice and attack you. Some people would believe and support you, but lots of people refuse to accept guilty verdict when it makes them uncomfortable.

I don't think you'd get through any part of it without ending up with additional trauma (because of our shitty system, not because of you).

Basically, it's shit. And it's wrong. It's horrific what you've lived through and are living through, and it's horrific there's no way to have the truth heard or hold people to account.

@FAQs
I get the therapy route being irritating. I’ve taken a break from it. I’m sick of living it every day, and need to stop touching the wound. EMDR is very very hard work, you relive the situations right there and then, almost as an observer. Sick of bloody crying. I know I am now in control of my life now, but I don’t feel I am going anywhere. Just stuck and scared.

@user14572856389
I can see wrote the truth. Yup, diagnosed with cPTSD, depression, anxiety, agoraphobia.......yet this is the package of goodies handed down to me from my so called parents.
The system is shitty. 100%. So basically, you can do what you want to people, screw their lives up, damage them, hey, even try to kill them. They get away with it.
There is no way to have YOUR truth heard. It is unfair and horrific.

I was abused by my dad and always said I wouldn't go to law until after my nan died as it would kill her.

She did die, a few years ago, and I have decided not to do anything.

Now my dad is likely dying and it's bringing up all sorts of emotions.

You can make a report here. It won't do anything to your parents and it won't heal you, but it will help the inquiry to form a wider picture of abuse as a social issue and hopefully inform future policy.

I reported my dad to the police when I was about 14. He had held me upside down by my feet, I was wearing a skirt, and he had whacked me several times across the back of my legs with the heel of his shoe - it had left welts. The police said they couldn't do anything as it was 'domestic'.
I had just come in from school and I put my bag down where he didn't like me to leave it. My friend who had walked home with me and left me at my house could hear me screaming and was shouting through the letterbox, I got away and we went to the police station together.
I honestly don't think the police would say that now, I think policy and perception has changed and the more we speak (if we can) the further it will change.

www.truthproject.org.uk/i-will-be-heard

It may not be helpful to you but I wonder if you could reframe your thinking that you've got justice and revenge by raising well balanced children in a safe environment and stopping the line of abuse.

But that also it is ok to feel angry that the emotion is right.

@VanGoghsDog
I totally and utterly heard you there. I know it, feel it, live exactly the same.
I was very badly physically attacked by my mother similarly as you described at the same age.
I dearly want policy and perception to change.
So many lives have been destroyed. I really wonder if ‘lessons’ are ever learned. Talk is cheap.
I can’t shake the feeling my parents are laughing at me, having got away with it. My mother used to gloat, really gloat with a sinister smile on her face every time I used to try to speak my truth as an adolescent.
‘Ha! So and so told me they didn’t believe you’.

@Sickofpineneedles
I am grateful I haven’t passed on a bucketful of poison to my children. It had to stop with me. I guess the lack of justice is the cost.
My children are well adjusted, bloody good human beings.
We had great times when they were growing up, great little holidays, lots of mud, and they were totally safe. They know they can always come home if something isn’t right in their lives, if they need a place to speak, to rest a while, just be.
But I get very upset at how their lives are and where they are going. So so so far removed of where my life is and was.
It just goes to show what can be achieved when you believe in your little ones, instead of hurling all your filth and crap from your life at innocent beings.
That makes me so so mad.