If I were to report my parents for historical abuse....

[oprahfan]

some of the details could be triggering re: historical child abuse

I am really struggling with what to do, if anything, about the emotional, physical and psychological abuse I endured during my childhood, adolescence and early adulthood.
I have been going through CBT and EMDR therapy for over 3 years now. It happened in England and Scotland.
The Dr who performs the therapies has warned me several times about going down the legal route, saying it would be harrowing, I would be chewed up and spat out basically.
My partner of 25 years, who has also been on the receiving end of my parents abuse has said not to take them to court.
I have seen my medical records from when I used to live at home, there are pages and pages about my mother and her manipulative behaviour, my role as a scapegoat, my father the enabler, brother golden child.
I still have flashbacks, really terrible flashbacks, I won’t give details right now.

My question is....can I make a report to the police? Can it be noted? Does it have to go to court? I still believe my mother is a danger to others, not just children. I believe she displays munchausens (not sure of spelling) is a compulsive liar, told me she was dying when I was in early pregnancy, tells anyone that will listen horrific lies about me.
I have not had contact with my parents for over 10 years, same with my brother, I blocked all communication.
I hated the horrific lies she tells other relatives about me, she has torn two sets of family apart.
I just want the truth out there. I’ve told the truth all along, yet I’m the one who has had to face the fire, stop the cycle of abuse so my children didn’t have to. The hardest work of my life. I could not have my children being unable to come to me, or hate me. To be alone. I had to be a good loving parent alongside my partner.
My children are grown now and we have a great relationship, they are doing well in their lives compared to my upbringing. I feel so cheated.
But why should my parents be allowed to get away with it?

Fucking hell. I am so, so sorry for all of you on this thread who’ve endured such pain and fear at the hands of your own parents. I’ve nothing helpful to say, but I think you’re all amazing to still be standing and living your own lives. OP, God knows how you ever get closure after something like this, but I hope someone on here will be able to offer advice that helps you find some peace

OP

My DB are NC with my mother because of behaviour like this in our childhood. I’ve also had therapy. If I were to go to the police or report her in some way her mental health (because she was sectioned a few times) would be her get out of jail free card. So we’ve just left it. She helped me how to be a good mother by doing every thing to the total opposite. The relationship I have with my kids makes me proud every day. My dB won’t have kids because of her. He even had a tattoo of a demon put on his back ( to always keep the demons behind him) because she messed him up so bad.

But I understand your need to have your voice heard. If you think you are ready for the emotional fight you might have then do it. But look after yourself x

@Janicejaniceahmfallin
I don’t think I will ever get closure, I feel the same thing for others who have posted on here.
A lot haven’t survived.
However, there HAS been some very good advice given, believe me.

@LouReidDododo
So you should be proud, every day. The courage shines through.
That’s exactly it. Doing the opposite of how you were brought up.
In some ways, I feel I was handed a gift when I had my last dealings with my mother. I broke apart. Totally and utterly. If I hadn’t, I could have been like her.
I like the fact your DB has a demon tattoo, but I’m saddened that he has decided against children, but can totally understand his reasonings.
It is true I would like my voice heard. Along with all the rest of us. I don’t think I’m ready for the fight just yet........just yet....but it’s coming.

What happened when you spoke to some one last time about it? What did they say?

@LouReidDododo
I last mentioned a little of what happened to me to a friend last week. She had no idea.
She said that I’ve got a lot of evidence in the way of paperwork to start with.
I told an Aunt that I had not seen since I was 16. We’ve forged a good relationship. She believed me immediately. She also told me about all the lies she’d caught my mother coming out with over the years. I know she’d stand right beside me. At a recent wedding, my mother couldn’t look at my Aunt.
The Dr I’ve been seeing is highly professional, caring, and I have asked her advice, but she says the legal system won’t help with recovery.

Your Dr is probably just looking after your mental health. I know when I started therapy it opened up a can of worms and feelings I never knew were there came up. I had to stop in the end as it took over my thought process all day. I just couldn’t imagine why a adult never mind a mother could treat children in that way. It really shaped my teenage years and early adulthood so negatively.

What do you want the outcome to be? We never went in to social care as my grandmother took us in but I think I’d want to see my notes if I did. What’s stopping you?

I do hear and believe you
But

When you were a child was illegal to do what your parents did to you?
Laws have change over the years . So can your parent prosecute with today laws ?

I hear you OP, and, like a previous poster said, I look forward to their deaths, perhaps that will bring a kind of closure for you?

I hear you and I had the same awful disgusting childhood. I went very low contact with my parents along time ago. My dad died 10 years ago and I didn't go to his funeral. My mother died in July last year and I didn't go to her funeral either. They both died from drinking and smoking related problems and both of them suffered and were in alot of pain. I didn't care and I was happy .....they got what they deserved. Since my mum has died I have become a different person and can at last breathe and be the happy person I always wanted to be. Thier deaths were a great relief for me and I am so glad they are dead and can't hurt me ever again

I'm so sorry to read of your experiences oprahfan
I don't have any personal experience of abuse so don't really feel qualified to advise, but unfortunately I do have experience of suffering at the hands of and being badly let down by the police. Based on my experience, I would be very, very wary of trusting the police with such personal and sensitive information if there is little hope of a successful prosecution. On the other hand, I could see that making the report could potentially be empowering in your situation.
I think in your shoes I might be inclined to take legal advice first, to try to get a better idea of what might happen if you made a report. Then you would be able to make a more informed decision about whether to proceed.
I think the previous poster's suggestion of making an anonymous report to Social Services sounds sensible as that could help protect others without exposing yourself to more trauma. Or I wonder if the NSPCC or any other children's charities are able to help in situations like these.
I wish I could over more useful advice. You sound like a remarkable woman to survive what you have done and to go on to raise a happy family.

When you were a child was illegal to do what your parents did to you?

Yes, it was illegal to beat and sexually abuse children.

@LouReidDododo
Exactly as you say. It takes up my thought processes all day and every day. That’s not living.
I still cannot fathom how someone can do the things that happened not only to myself, but to thousands upon thousands of innocent kids.
In the end when I got some truth out there in my adolescence, it was recommended I leave the family family home as I was over 16. If I had been under 16 I would’ve been taken into care. This is all in my medical notes.
So as it was, at 17, I was told my best chance of getting better was to leave home. On the advice of a psychiatrist who met with me and my mother.
How the hell can a 17 year old support themselves?
My grandmother had died, and all other relatives were 400+ miles away. That was my solution. Leave home, and my life would improve.
It is a difficult question to answer what I want the outcome to be.
But I will try.
I want those who heard and saw but did nothing, to know I was telling the truth all along. And I always did.
I was damaged by my parents. Irreparably. Not of my doing.
My illnesses are not of my doing.
Some sort of acknowledgement of the pain and horrors suffered.
It is not ok to attack your son or daughter. And it will never be ok.
It is not ok to kick your son or daughter.
It is not ok to shout and scream obscenities in the face of your son or daughter.
It is not ok to neglect your son or daughter.
It is not ok to have hold of your daughter (aged 8) by her hair and call her a whore, and slap her in the face until she repeats what you have said to stop the hitting.
If I did any of these things to a random person on the street, the police would be called wouldn’t they?
I am SICK of having to think hard about the impact of their crimes on my life.
I was innocent.

Since my mum has died I have become a different person and can at last breathe and be the happy person I always wanted to be. Thier deaths were a great relief for me and I am so glad they are dead and can't hurt me ever again
This gives me hope🙏

@user1497997754
I understand your relief, I bet you feel free now. It was never ever ok what those poor excuses for human beings did to you.
I bet those breaths are the most amazing breaths. The freshest, cleanest air ever. I stand right beside you. And thank you for telling me about your early years. Love your courage.

@MAFIL
There’s nothing remarkable. I’m Mrs Ordinary who’s had enough of being quiet and letting people do what the hell they want to me.
Why should I and others like me have to put up with further humiliation? Further traumatisation? By the police or other authorities who are supposed to be there rot help the victims?
This is an outrage, and you should not have suffered further at the hands of the police either.
I know I cannot put my trust in anyone in this arena.
I agree with you, though, re social services and an anonymous report.
Believe it or not, it is helpful when you reply. You may think they are just words on a page, but I read and heard every one of those you expressed, and I thank you.

You are letting them continually hurt you by giving it continual headspace. I was exactly the same and could never get peace of mind. You can't change the past but you are in charge of your future. You are worth so much more by beating yourself up everyday about this. Take back the control ......write it all down and then have a ceremonial burning of it. Life is short.....life is unfair.....life is hard. You have a lovely family now don't let your past destroy it because if you carry on holding this shitty childhood around you are stuck. Look how far you have come and be proud of yourself. They will die miserable ......you however are loved and held in high esteem. Let them rot in he'll because that's where they are going. You need to start giving yourself all the self love you can so eveytime you think about your awful childhood .....do something lovely for yourself. Keep doing this and I guarantee your self esteem will increase and you will have the strength to leave your past where it belongs....in the past

@UYScuti
I won’t be at their funerals, in a way it’s a gift they’ve given me. I’ve worked through the grief of losing my parents over the years. The parents I never had.
I know they can’t hurt me ever again.

@user1497997754
What you say is 100% correct.
I badly need to leave the past. Why does it take 50 years to get over your childhood? That’s really not right.
I do promise, however, to start somehow loving me. God knows I need some serious self esteem. I want to let go of what they did. I am well and truly stuck. Holding onto their poison corrodes the person who I should be.

I am 58.....59 next week. It has taken me since the end if October 2018 to get where I am mentally as regards my parents. It was consuming my every waking thought and preventing me from having the happy life I desperately wanted. Like you I would have loved recognition for the way i was treated but all of a sudden I had a lightbulb moment. Why do I need it so badly and why if I know full well it's never going to happen do I persecute myself. That's when my thought pattern changed. I took back the control and made that decision that it was not going to be a priority in my life anymore. I alone was going to heal that little girl (me)....and I was going to treat her with the love and respect she deserved. I decided no more did I want my head full of bad memories and I have been replacing them gradually with lots of good stuff. It works.....you find everyday you are that little bit more relaxed and happier.....and the more good stuff that gets in your head.....it pushes the bad stuff out.....until the bad stuff us irrelevant and serves no purpose. You can do this because you want to heal and that is how you will move on giving yourself all the love you missed out on ....big hugs to you from me x

@user1497997754
Your words mean a lot. I know very well I will never ever get the acknowledgement. Doesn’t matter how much it hurts or how much deserved.
Life is unfair. It’s the uncomfortable truth. I need more good stuff in my head.
Only me and me alone is going to fix the little girl. You’re spot on.
Thank you for the big hugs. 😘 x

That's the spirit. The way I see it now is that little girl felt unloved, not cared about, scared, neglected. That little girl is an adult now so she must protect that little girl and love her, care about her, comfort her and never let her feel neglected ever again. Because you and only you can heal that little girl and nurture her and encourage her to have the lovely life she deserves......xx

When you were a child was illegal to do what your parents did to you? Laws have change over the years . So can your parent prosecute with today laws ?

I think that’s a valid question. It’s never been okay to sexually abuse children and my understanding is they will prosecute this historically if they feel there is a good case (rare unfortunately). I think physical abuse is different as when I was a child (over 50 years ago), short of killing a child or horrifically maiming them there was no action under law, children were very much seen as possessions and they were yours to discipline in whatever ways you saw fit as long as you didn’t actually kill them. So I don’t think there can be any retrospective action applying the social norms and laws of today. In my day we were given the belt, slapped, hit, yelled at, punished by being sent to our room with no food or drink all day etc. That was considered to be normal and acceptable discipline by both child and parent. Now any one of those things is considered abuse as times change, social norms change, laws change etc so it would be impossible to retrospectively apply today’s standards historically.

I'm so sorry for what you endured.

I also totally understand why you want to pursue this. I'd suggest speaking with a legal expert to know what you would be up against. I'd also consider that win or lose, perhaps the justice is in being in control and taking them to court and being heard. Nothing may come of pursuing this, but I think if you can resolve yourself to making them hear you in court (regardless of outcome) that could be a real source of empowerment for you.

Also, it doesn't matter if they acknowledge what they did. They know they did and do do you, that's all that matters.

I'm with you though, I couldn't met this lie. But I'd want to know what I'd be up against first do definitely get legal advice.

I'm wondering if it would be helpful to tell your story by speaking about abuse at schools and different places or even writing a book about it?