Surreal dinner with exH and OW

[Legallybleachblonde]

I don't even know if this is the right place to post but I've just had a really surreal evening and I don't know how to feel about it. My exH (we split three years ago) is now living with the OW he left me for. I suppose I shouldn't really refer to her as that now as it's been quite some time. I was devastated when we split (so were my family) and it's taken quite a while to recover but we get on okay now, mainly for the sake of our DS5. I went to his house tonight to collect my DS but they were only just sitting down to dinner (ExH, the OW/gf, my DS and her DD). He welcomed me in and offered me dinner as there was plenty and I politely declined but in I went and sat down (feeling a bit awkward) at the dinner table. OW offered me a cup of tea so I said okay, thank you. So there we were, all sat round the table chatting away like nothing bad had ever happened. It just felt so weird and it's hard to explain but I felt like I was betraying myself, if that makes sense? ExH was pretty ruthless when we split and didn't treat me that well - he's selfish and has zero empathy. We had to sell our family home as I couldn't afford to take it on and my DS and I ended up in a flat. ExH moved in with OW almost immediately into her 4 bed house and since then his career has rocketed and he's quite well off. I have a lovely flat and work life balance but money is tight and at 49, I'm having to claim tax credits for the first time in my life. Part of me tonight wanted to grab my son and just run for it but I just sat there as if nothing had happened. Can't really explain it. I still have some feelings for him because even though he is not a nice man I adored him when we were married and he's my little boy's Dad. It just all felt like a weird dream tonight and that I was watching myself. But it wasn't a dream; it was real. Do you think I should be bearing a grudge still or do you think it's commendable that I have kept my dignity? Everything I do is for my little boy - if he's happy so am I. How do others in my situation get on with the OW?

Agree with P999. Full of wisdom. And I say this as a child of divorced parents.

It’s never nice for a child to see one parent compromising their rights/happiness/hurt feelings for their sake. Ultimately a child wants their parents happy and sound.

It does sound like the ex is trying to convince himself that he is ultimately the good guy who didn’t want to destroy the family and so putting the ex wife in situation where she will humanely feel out of character so he can feel like “the bigger person”. What an idiot. Some people struggle to deal with guilt and become very crafty.

Don’t manage his guilt for him. Let him deal with it alone. You manage your own hurt feelings and don’t let him use them against you.

Op next time don’t push yourself. Just say “thanks, would love to but I was informed beforehand and have arrangements for dinner. Plz get ds ready and I’ll be back in 10 mins”.

Being kind but assertive still gets you out of socially awkward situations without a chance of someone holding anything against you.

Your GUT was right. I only say this because you shouldn’t feel obliged to dismiss your gut to be a good mother.. you felt like you betrayed yourself .. and maybe you did. You dismissed yourself and squished your feelings and so became a character in someone else’s narrative, and were watching yourself be puppeteered.

I say this brutally... but ultimately out of care..

Remember when you gave birth to your DS? Your gut guided your way to do something you never knew you could ?? Care for another human life like you have never done ? Yeh that gut! Can’t be wrong.

You did things for the right reasons but you didn’t need to be a martyr. Next time don’t burn yourself because that won’t be what your DS needs for him to lead a healthy life.

I say this as someone who grew up begging their parents to be Civil. A child think they know best but it’s not always the case. Your gut knows better !

@p999 thank you, you are so right.

Thank you everyone for your insightful posts, they have all been really helpful. Yesterday was already a stressful day with work and sorting out parents so I think by the time I had got to ex's house, I was already knackered and a bit stressed out. I was just totally unprepared. My boy ran to me saying 'Mummy!!!' and I was focussing on him but it was all weird as it was on their territory and I just didnt want to be there for any other reason than to gather DS up and get out of there and home. You are all right, I will not put myself through that again X

Well done for being so dignified. I am full of admiration. I would have set fire to the table and left the scene with my child! But then I am not very dignified at all.

I'm not sure I was being a martyr, just caught off guard. I know I'm a strong person because of what I have dealt with over the last three years and how far I've come. At that moment in time, the pull of the need to see DS and get him home outweighed the weirdness of the evening. It wasn't until I got home that I thought 'wtf just happened there?'.

Gosh you are one amazing lady. I agree with bluntness, I’m not sure it’s helpful to read too much into it. But stay vigilant, as I’m sure you will. And next time, make an excuse! Maybe have a few prepared in your head - in case you are caught off guard again. Your son is incredibly lucky too have you, and whatever his father is like - he has the best role model possible in you - you sound like an absolute goddess.

Thank you dinkywinky 😊 I have another issue to deal with today. Ex and I have been sorting cover for half term. He had suggested his Mum would do the Wednesday but every time I ask if it's been confirmed he fobs me off. He's now saying OW is 'more than happy' to have him(!) (Ex at work) as she's taking her DD and the cousins out and DS is surely going to prefer that to a day with Nanny. See .. again.. manipulation. He's our son, not her's and primarily my responsibility. It's not happening and I will be telling him to his face later.

Op, are you saying no to the day with his step sister/cousins for your sons benefit or are you saying no for your own? Could he possibly be right that your son will have more fun at the day out rather than a day at his grans or a day with yourself, unless you have something planned?

Just make sure you're saying no for the right reasons here. I don't think she's trying to replace you, but she is partially caring for your son when he is with your ex and is effectively his step mother.

I'm sorry this is so hard for you, but as said, I'm not sure some posters here are trying to help you.

Could Nanny go for the day out too - but be responsible for your son? It is a horrible situation and I fully sympathise with you - to the point that your thread brought tears to my eyes. But I think the best way forward is positivity, and not think of him as a manipulative monster - because he will become that in your sons eyes too. He has behaved dreadfully towards you, and your son will see that one day, but I think the best thing is to keep their relationship as positive as possible - as you’ve been doing.

And again - you are one AMAZING woman! I wish the world was full of people like you xxxxx

You can be dignified, civil and co-parent healthily for your child- and yourself- without sitting down at the dinner table with someone who treated you like utter shit.
Never compromise your own well being. Draw strong boundaries and stick to them.
I'm not surprised your ex had a stupid smile on his face and I wouldn't give him the pleasure of thinking he is in the position to do whatever he likes and still wave you through to sit with him in his new home with his new life and swallow his tea and his bullshit, again.

Hmm it's a difficult one. I don't have any ill feeling towards her now so it's not about feeling replaced. It's more about I had it clear in my mind that Nanny was having him and DS often asks when he can see her (ex doesn't do well at facilitating this contact) and then he suddenly throws in a curveball. I dont see her as 'stepmum'. She's my ex's gf and whilst she may be 'nice' on the odd occasion I see her, I dont know her very well and I am not comfortable with her having sole charge.

I’d be pissed off at going in but on this occasion I’d ask your ds what he wants to do

Oh didn’t spot your last post.

It just seems he’s moving the boundaries really fast. That would irritate me

It's hard to get the balance between what DS wants and what I feel is right as a parent. And my gut is telling me it doesnt feel right.

Do you think I should be bearing a grudge still or do you think it's commendable that I have kept my dignity?

Definitely the latter. Putting hurt to one side to get on with exes and their partners is best for the kids, for sure.

Plus, if he is playing some mental mindfuck game, the best thing you can do (IMO) is seem totally unbothered about their life. I saw an excellent post on here where, when the woman's ex used to text her about stuff non related to the kids, she just used to reply 👍. Drove him nuts. Because it's at once acknowledging and therefore not rude, but also really dismissive.

The OW might be really nice as a person as I bet your ex has fed her a load of shite about your marriage. He probably lied to both of you. So really, she deserves your pity. I bet she has NO idea what he was like to you when you split. She won't be thinking that the Sun shines out his arse for long, that's for sure.

The other thing is, if you act friendly to the OW, it will totally take away so much of your exes power. He sounds like a headfuck. I am not saying this for his or the OWs benefit, but for yours.

Indifference and superficial friendliness is the way to go here. Ut will help your son, make you the bigger person, and diminish exes power.

Good luck OP

It is - and it’s quite a lot of children for one person to take care of. I’d agree only if an adult you know well is in charge of your son. That way you are showing willing, but enforcing the best interests and safety of your son. I guess it’s tricky because if it’s Dad’s day, he’s the one to sort out the care.

Excellent post from sirching

Dinkywinky245 Aw thanks

Agree with Sir but you can have all that without putting yourself through awkwardness and confusion. If you're in scenarios which are upsetting and starting to make you question things, then you're putting yourself last, not necessarily putting your child first. Have all the friendliness in the world and be nothing but polite and breezy, but the time for sacrificing yourself for your ex's wants is over.

If you don't want to go in next time, just say something like "I need to grab some milk on the way home anyway, can you wrap up his dinner if it's not finished in 20 mins or so and I'll nip back then?"

I dont see her as 'stepmum'. She's my ex's gf and whilst she may be 'nice' on the odd occasion I see her, I dont know her very well and I am not comfortable with her having sole charge

OP, I don't know how to say this very well, so please know it's meant with care and not any bad intent: I am so so sorry, but you no longer get to make that call about whether she is his stepmum. It isn't about what you perceive her as. It's what your son perceives her as that matters.

I may have misread the situation, but during your exes contact time, he can leave your son with anyone he feels is responsible. Obviously, him encroaching on your contact time is unacceptable but a different matter.

Your son sees OW's daughter as his sister, and her cousins as his cousins. So it's fair to say that to the outside world, the OW IS his stepmum. I know that must hurt, but you will always be his only mum.

I am only saying this because if you broach the subject to your ex in an "I see OW as your GF not DS's stepmum" it could play right into his power games. Because he can argue that she is and, after two or three years together, your son is bound to see her that way.

I am so sorry

Also, I would be aware of people projecting their own experiences onto yours. Lots of people display some narc tendencies, but diagnosis of NPD is still pretty rare. I am always wary of people diagnosing over the internet, albeit with the best of intentions.

I'm an ex MH nurse, and nursed a few narcs, but the really severe ones are few and far between. Narc and arrogant behaviour, together with behaving in a way which they think will make them seem wonderful, is a facet of another well known disorder that is rife in married men who have affairs: the disorder is known as "being a cunt". I have had FAR more psychiatrists diagnose that over the years then narcissism (not to the clients face, obviously!).

For now, I would take his behaviour at face value, but keep in the back of your mind what others have said about narc behaviour. Don't let your exes motivations cloud your thoughts or he is in your head again. Keep them in mind but focus on you and your son.

PS Your ex sounds like an absolute bell-end. That's a disorder I saw a lot too

Brilliant again SirChing. You sound as much of a goddess as OP. Very sensitive post.

I think he hasn't asked nanny. And I think he is trying to railroad you into accepting his dream blended family vision. In my experience, 10 year old girls don't want to hang out with 5 year old boys when there are other older cousins about. So very possible he would not have a great blended day. I think he should see his nanny. And ask straight up if he's contacted her. Contact with her is important. Look. The fact is, he sounds sneaky. And he sounds like he us railroading her. It's dismissive and belittling. A proper grown up conversation about OW contact should be had. Not this sneaky shite. And up should not feel bullied into anything. If youre unsure about a proposal, don't say yes immediately. Say I will think about it and get back to you. It's time they treated you with respect. I would not say its a no. But a no to being railroaded. And he must see his nanny over the step cousins if it's an option! IMO.

@Dinkywinky245 Aw thanks but definitely not a Goddess! I don't have the Zen nature needed 😂