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Original poster

Surreal dinner with exH and OW

234 replies

Legallybleachblonde · 06/02/2020 21:19

I don't even know if this is the right place to post but I've just had a really surreal evening and I don't know how to feel about it. My exH (we split three years ago) is now living with the OW he left me for. I suppose I shouldn't really refer to her as that now as it's been quite some time. I was devastated when we split (so were my family) and it's taken quite a while to recover but we get on okay now, mainly for the sake of our DS5. I went to his house tonight to collect my DS but they were only just sitting down to dinner (ExH, the OW/gf, my DS and her DD). He welcomed me in and offered me dinner as there was plenty and I politely declined but in I went and sat down (feeling a bit awkward) at the dinner table. OW offered me a cup of tea so I said okay, thank you. So there we were, all sat round the table chatting away like nothing bad had ever happened. It just felt so weird and it's hard to explain but I felt like I was betraying myself, if that makes sense? ExH was pretty ruthless when we split and didn't treat me that well - he's selfish and has zero empathy. We had to sell our family home as I couldn't afford to take it on and my DS and I ended up in a flat. ExH moved in with OW almost immediately into her 4 bed house and since then his career has rocketed and he's quite well off. I have a lovely flat and work life balance but money is tight and at 49, I'm having to claim tax credits for the first time in my life. Part of me tonight wanted to grab my son and just run for it but I just sat there as if nothing had happened. Can't really explain it. I still have some feelings for him because even though he is not a nice man I adored him when we were married and he's my little boy's Dad. It just all felt like a weird dream tonight and that I was watching myself. But it wasn't a dream; it was real. Do you think I should be bearing a grudge still or do you think it's commendable that I have kept my dignity? Everything I do is for my little boy - if he's happy so am I. How do others in my situation get on with the OW?

OP posts:
KTJean · 07/02/2020 12:04

That sounds totally inappropriate, sorry. The DD is ten. If I was OW, I would be getting my DD out of there. ‘Sexy’ and mum’s new partner should not be appearing in the same sentence in front of a ten year old. He has got no boundaries.

okiedokieme · 07/02/2020 12:12

I know it will be hard, I've avoided it so far but it's on the cards so I'm reading with interest! In my case we didn't meet new partners until 6 months after we split, and joined dating sites with full knowledge of the other so no ow situation. We have an event we will both be at and my dp will be with me, as I'm the one who attended every recital and performance back when quite frankly ear plugs were necessary, no way am I missing it and I don't see why I should go alone, exh never bothered going when we were married (it's about trying to get DD's attention as she ignores him unless she wants money, typical young adult!)

mamato3lads · 07/02/2020 12:47

Well done OP. You've made things a whole lot easier for your son. Grudges are unhealthy and will affect him. You are a fantastic mum....you didnt betray yourself you set an amazing example x

P999 · 07/02/2020 13:14

Christ. Is that their idea of a hilarious 'joke'? I would have had my buttocks clenched even with zero history with them. I agree with whoever daid they sound like a pair of tools. And social climbers. Painful.

Snowfalling20 · 07/02/2020 16:11

@Legallybleachblonde I know I’m sorry I feel I have to warn others! Not to be horrible to our exes, I do believe that it is important to keep our own integrity. However some of us need to wise up!

Maybe it is because we still hold them high, I know that I did. I chose this man to be the father of my child, so how could I now get my head into the face that he was going to be so nasty? Or so detrimental to our DS. Of course nothing is usually black and white. DS is loved by his father, and doted on. His father can be really fun and interesting.

However if I’d been a bit more strident about keeping a distance, not giving so much, I think I wouldn’t have had so many difficulties when DS was middle teens. He did have a time when he began to realize things weren’t good between me and his Dad. However I did absolutely nothing, his Das just stirred up trouble by changing dates, writing me abusive messages over contact, telling DS he’d see him more if only I would do this, or that etc...

Really set me up to fail. Be distant. Keep your cool. Be strong and live a good life!

Snowfalling20 · 07/02/2020 16:11

Face... fact sorry

Bluntness100 · 07/02/2020 16:21

Op I'm not sure people are helping uou here. This sort of thread always brings out the armchair physiologists, who often talk shite and make it worse.

Look the relationship ended. He moved onto someone else. He and her are happy now. He wants the relationship with you to be easy and normal as you're the mother of his kid. And it's better for the kid if you are.

You did well for your child. Showing civility is part of protecting them

All the other bullshit about triangulation etc is simply sending you down a rabbit hole face first. It's not doing uou any favours.

Take what occurred at face value, for your own sake. He had no other course of actio he could take. What was he supposed to do, make your son miss dinner and send him off? Make you wait outside, to come back later.

They did the normal polite thing, they invited you in, invited you to join them and were civil whilst your son ate his dinner and you could then both leave.

75Renarde · 07/02/2020 16:25

And here is another one, OP. @Bluntness100

Nice name btw

This poster is utterly in validating your emotions on why you came onto this thread in the first place.

Something disturbed you and you rightly are asking for answers.

Ignore. You are on the right path.

Bluntness100 · 07/02/2020 16:28

The right path?

Look the kid was about to have dinner, she fronted up to collect him. So they invited her in to join them whilst the kid ate. It's the polite thing to do. And best for the kids. They made small talk, the kid ate, and she and her son went on their way. Good for the kids.

Really attributing all this other pseudo nonsense to it, examining his last behavuour, dragging it all up does no one any favours.

AspiringAmazon · 07/02/2020 16:44

A million times what @Bluntness100 said!

BackToBackTheyFaced · 07/02/2020 16:45

I work with a guy who sounds just like your ex. He thinks he is so important and you would honestly think he was the king of the building and the rest of us are his servants whereas actually several of us are the same level as him and better at our jobs. He clearly thinks that we all adore him but everybody just thinks he’s a massive knobhead with no knob. My point being that people like him and your ex can think whatever they like about themselves but most people see through them very easily and are just putting up with them because you’d lose your job if your stapled their tie to their own head.

75Renarde · 07/02/2020 16:47

@AspiringAmazon

Another one.

Keep on aspiring, I'd say. You never know, you might get there.

At some point.

Hepsibar · 07/02/2020 16:51

What an amazing brave and unselfish person you are, that must have been so hard but you put your DS before yourself. Well done.

EL0ISE · 07/02/2020 16:56

@Bluntness100

If the Ops Ex wanted things to be “ easy and normal “ because they have a kid together, why was he such a shit over they affair, break up and divorce ?

These guys only want everything to be civil when it suits them.

No wonder the Op is confused and is wondering what it all means.

Nancydrawn · 07/02/2020 16:56

Your ex sounds like a dickhead, OP. He's certainly treated you badly in the divorce.

That said, I think you did the right thing. In almost all cases, this is a dickhead who is in an awkward situation and is behaving, typically, like a dickhead. Not pathological, not diagnosable--just an unpleasant person acting to type.

I'm glad you were able to remain civil--it'll be important for your kid. As long as it's innocuous, I'd just continue as you are and try not to give this extra headspace.

YgritteSnow · 07/02/2020 17:05

Well if you're "friends" and it's all amicable then he can finally rid himself of that nasty sneaky baggage of knowledge that he's a really shit person who treated the mother of his child terribly can't he? Can't have been that bad, look we are friends now, it was all for the best.

I wouldn't make a habit of it if I were you.

Bleurggghhhh · 07/02/2020 17:17

Well done for being civil! I think it pays off eventually. When my DH left me for an older model, we had no choice but to stay in the marital home for a while. During that time we had Christmas at my parents with all the extended family. He rang the OW in full earshot of the dc and everyone else and then told my incredulous relations that OW sends her love and she looked forward to meeting everyone. This was maybe 15 years ago. I think OW had heard that my aunty and uncle have a swimming pool and liked the sound of that. We all laugh about it now. He's on OW number 8 now I think.

myplateisfullenoughthanks · 07/02/2020 17:18

My ExH is on new woman number 5 since he left me. The first 2 were agonising but since then each has become less upsetting. With his record I will be best mates with number 9 or 10! All this in 7 years! The current gf and I are far from friends but I can manage civil and can be in her company half hour or so without wanting to vomit.

That said she caught me a few ciders down on one occasion and I drunkenly warned her to watch her back as once upon a time I too was 'the one' and he has form!

You did amazingly I think and yes I agree it is all about the young innocents!

AspiringAmazon · 07/02/2020 17:32

@75Renarde, not everyone has to drink the narcissist kool aid, you know.

Bluntness100 · 07/02/2020 17:45

If the Ops Ex wanted things to be “ easy and normal “ because they have a kid together, why was he such a shit over they affair, break up and divorce

Because emotions run high and these things can easily become acrimonious at the point of the split.. In many cases they do.

Three years later things can look and feel very different. What you want can be very different. Time changes a lot of things. Saying "well you were a dick three years ago, so this means you wish it to be nasty for ever more is just silly.

Look as said, what was the bloke supposed to do? Tell the op to come back later? Send his son home without dinner? The normal decent, civil thing to do is invite her to come in to wait and be polite.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 07/02/2020 17:50

I think it's good to be civil and be the bigger person. It felt unreal because he's been so horrible and it's been such a shocking heartbreaking experience and then there you are chatting like you like each other. It is bound to feel unreal.

I think you will only damage yourself and your son bearing a grudge. Doesn't mean you have to go and sit in her house etc again! You made the best of an unexpected situation and next time can be prepared with a line like 'oh I needed to make a call so I'll just pop to the car and come back for him in 15 mins' etc.

75Renarde · 07/02/2020 17:55

@AspiringAmazon

Literally, no idea what you mean by that. I hazard a guess that this logic is only believable in your own mind. Twisted as it is.

OP is asking for help on a situation that has clearly profoundly disturbed her.

Stay on topic. Or bug out.

illandBored · 07/02/2020 21:05

Why the hell are people piling on 75Renarde?? Give your opinion and move on... no need to undermine someone else’s!!! Bloody hell!

For the record, Thank you 75Renarde, your insights has helped me see things which I cannot go into on a public forum. But truly, I have wisened up by a decade reading your take on things. And hopefully many women who are being manipulated.

P999 · 07/02/2020 21:10

Nobody is telling her to bear a grudge. All we are saying is she doesn't need to feel pressure to be all pally pally in their deluded idea that all will be forgotten and there are no hard feelings. The OP was amazingly well behaved and composed. Which she did for her sons sake. We all think wow. Brilliant. But there is no need for her to feel pressure to salve their guilt and be friendly and pally and buy in to their blended family bygones are bygones crap. For her own sake, we are telling her well fucjing done. But dont give the impression all is forgotten and that they are ok people. Unless SHE decides she wants that. She can protect herself from future painful situations like that by ensuring there is no repeat. And stay true to herself and the reality of what they put her through. She can be civil and non confrontational without being manipulated into them thinking what they did was ok. No apology and no acknowledgement speaks volumes. He just wants her to brush it under the carpet. Tough luck if thats not how she feels. Let them have their cosy 4 bedroom smug social climbing nonsense. She owes them nothing. She did what she did for her son. Full stop. Noone else. Nobody, whoever unintentionally, should make her feel that for her sons sake she needs to repeat this farce of an evening and be friends. Her son will be fine with civil. She's not trying to turn him against them. The opposite. But they shouldn't push their luck. Flowers

P999 · 07/02/2020 21:20

If they'd agreed a pick up time and were running late they should have warned her. To give her the option of not being bamboozled into an evening listening to their crass bullshit. Well done again OP. I would have died in your shoes. You're a bigger and better person than me.