How soon/long after starting dating someone would you expect to feel important to them?

[CherryRedDocs]

As the title says.

This is someone I met in real life. I don't date generally and he says that he doesn't either.

We see each other most weekends and once mid week most weeks for some sort of context.

then i told him that i really like him and he just said thank you.

After dating & sleeping with a man for 3months, the minimum response I would accept would be "I like you too.,.." I definitely wouldn't have accepted "why, thankyou" without asking questions.

It's not unreasonable or demanding when I say this, it's about putting in place boundaries and standards to protect myself. I also do this in order to prevent me from investing emotional time and energy into somebody who isn't prepared to make that same emotional investment in me.

I'm relieved to see that you have finally taken onboard the advice from other posters and you are going to be more assertive and question him.

Before you have the chat, I'd urge you to consider the following: what are the standards, expectations and boundaries that you have put in place for yourself? At what point do you realise somebody isn't worth it before you walk away?

He doesn't have a clue I'm ruminating like this so it won't drive him mad. But I don't know if I can keep on like this.

He will sense that you are preoccupied, not present in the moment, and/or hanging on his every word and action probably worried that you are observing/profiling him and holding back. He will be confused by the emotional distance and mistrust. Seems that you are inadvertently smothering the relationship progressing?

Seems that it might be you that is not emotionally available as you seem to want to bring this to a premature conclusion?

What help do you have for your autism? Do you have strategies to manage and read social situations? Do deeper emotionally intimate relationships cause you intense anxiety? Or are you able to overcome this with reassurance? What’s your relationship history?

I do find face to face conversations difficult. Especially where there is any level of emotion involved.

I suppose that's why I keep avoiding it. I just can't work out how to initiate the conversation and I find that it can become overwhelming and then i just shut down and can't speak at all.

'why thank you' isn't really good enough!

I think you have to listen to your 'gut' instinct, and if you have to question all of this ( Which I have been guilty of), then there is a reason why.

*I do find face to face conversations difficult. Especially where there is any level of emotion involved.

I suppose that's why I keep avoiding it. I just can't work out how to initiate the conversation and I find that it can become overwhelming and then i just shut down and can't speak at all.*

That’s a massive personal inisight.

Be emotionally open and honest.

Just tell him the above word for word and see where that takes you.

Does he know you are autistic?

Although if he's treating you right then that says a lot, I've had guys that are full of nonsense words which again means nothing.

I suppose that's why I keep avoiding it. I just can't work out how to initiate the conversation and I find that it can become overwhelming and then i just shut down and can't speak at all.

Agree with a PP this is great insight to have and that's really important.

I wonder if some of this is a compatibility conundrum. I'm very open and find it easy to talk about my feelings - I would find it challenging being with someone who found that difficult.

Not because either of us is right or wrong, just because that style of communication is one I'd struggle with and would make me anxious.

If you are anxious already and need (as most of us do including me!) reassurance but also find it very hard to ask for directly, then I feel like it would be so lovely for you to be with someone who was naturally verbal about their feelings and demonstrative.

So they can help you feel at ease talking about your feelings and also give you natural reassurance frequently without you having to ruminate for ages and feel it's a huge thing to bring up.

Not at ALL to say anything negative about the guy you're seeing, just something to think about long term.

Someone can be the nicest person in the world but not the right fit for someone else.

NurseButtercup

I didn't know what to say or how to phrase it without sounding awkward. Even if he'd said he didn't feel the same that would have been better than nothing.

I'm not content just dating someone to keep them company in the absence of a real girlfriend; I need openness and honesty as a bare minimum. I think I've been a bit swayed by other people in real life telling me how much he likes me and also the hope that, after being single for so long, I might have actually met someone.

Gutterton

I hadn't thought about that

I don't have any help. And my strategies for managing social situations are effective but don't extend to intimate relationships and I don't have strategies for reading situations as such. I've not had a relationship that lasted more than a few months because I always walk away as soon as they don't seem right to me. I'm trying to avoid doing that this time in case it's just me. Or because it's been suggested I don't give people enough of a chance.

But it's making me feel ill and sad.

I've never had a deep, emotionally intimate relationship. I've never been able to work out if it's me or them. Obviously it's me, but is it them too? Lots of people with autism manage to have relationships.

Seems that it might be you that is not emotionally available as you seem to want to bring this to a premature conclusion?

That's what worries me most.

I don't really want to end it and it would really upset me to do so but I know that, at the same time, the relief I would feel as a result is enticing.

And I don't really trust myself not to be so blunt as to just say "am I your girlfriend or just someone you are happy to have around in the absence of an girlfriend?" I have at least learnt to remember that other people can find that level of directness rude and difficult to respond to.

Just do it by text. Nothing wrong with that.

am I your girlfriend or just someone you are happy to have around in the absence of an girlfriend?

Nothing wrong with that either. If he can't handle it then he's not for you.

Does he know you are autistic?

Not explicitly. I have told him about some of the things he needs to be aware of - I don't take hints. He needs to be direct or I won't get it and its exhausting trying to analyse every interaction to see if I've missed something or not. Which is largely why this is such an issue.

I've got some sensory things that he is very aware/mindful of. I'm worried it would put him off if I told him, I guess 😕

JustForTheTasteOfIt

Thank you. Yes that makes a lot of sense.

Just tell him the above word for word and see where that takes you.

Actually, I would probably be able to do that. It would certainly be easier to start it that way.

I think you need to talk to him about your autism. It's a big thing to keep from him and it might start an open discussion about feelings and how you both approach things.

I'm worried it would put him off if I told him, I guess

The thing is though my love, if he would be put off by things that are a fundamental part of who you are then he isn't the right person for you to be with and it would be painful to find that out later. OR he might be fine with those things and then your worry about that will be one less thing on your plate.

I have epilepsy and while I was dating I wouldn't message people immediately telling them that or make it a big topic of conversation on a first date, I would mention it relatively early because I want to end up with someone who feels able to cope with that and it wouldn't be fair to put pressure on someone to cope with it when they don't feel able to. But if I had left it too long I would feel they'd feel unable to end it because they'd worry i would think it was mean of them etc etc.

So it's important to discuss things like that gently but I know that's difficult if you find social interactions and tone of voice hard.

FWIW the more the thread goes on the more even I understand as an outsider how you are feeling and you sound lovely

You absolutely do sound lovely OP and if he doesn't accept you for you then he isn't the right person for you. However, he deserves to know about the autism as it is a fundamental part of you and will affect how you interact. It's not fair on him to expect him to open up to you about his feelings when you are hiding a crucial part of you.

I would just say to him - so then, all my friends call you my boyfriend and I wondered if we have moved into that rather than just dating? - then at least you would know x

I’m also autistic. I would def message as I get confused by facial expressions/miss parts of conversations. So I would take my time with a well constructed message and ask him where he thinks your relationship is currently and how he feels explaining you need clarification. His response will tell you what you need to know and stop the agonising and trying to pick apart interactions. Good luck.

Thank you for the replies and feedback. And JustForTheTasteOfIt thank you, that means a lot.

I do need to tell him about the autism. I think he might have guessed anyway - it's a bit of a special interest of mine and so I talk about it quite a lot but in general terms regarding other people. In doing so I tell him stuff he needs to know about me. Nothing about that has fazed him. And I think he's probably already realised I'm a bit clueless in some respects.

I've been thinking about it and i think i will say something along the lines that it made me a bit uncomfortable at the weekend because people kept asking how it was going and referred to him as my boyfriend and I didn't really know how to respond, largely because i don't lie and it felt like a lie to say things were going really well, when I didn't know, and it felt like a lie to allow people to think he was my boyfriend when I didn't know that either. And just say that I want clarification on what we are.

I know that one woman told him she was really pleased that he'd found someone lovely and he'd said to her that it had been 3 months now but she didn't say anything else and so he didn't appear to have corrected her but then I'm not sure he would have.

I've had plenty of these 'not a boyfriend but fills the role well in the absence of a boyfriend' relationships myself in the past - most of them really - and I know how 'authentic' they can appear but I've known all along it was never going to be any more than that. I dont want that anymore. I'm getting older and I just want a nice, comfortable, proper relationship. I don't want to be someone's 'good enough for now'.

I would message but I think it might be better face to face so that it can be a proper conversation and not an exchange of a couple of messages.

Or maybe a message saying the same thing would work as well/better.

Messaging would be fine. DP and I messaged a lot in the beginning and we were very open via messages, there was nothing we couldn't say.

I prefer messages - it gives me time to not fall over my words and to get stuff out. He tends to phone me if I message him with anything that requires more than a yes or no answer!

Pop a simple message on here first if you want to sense check how it might land.

I suppose if he tells me now that we're not in a 'proper' relationship, at least I'll know. Rather than waiting until next weekend when it will be awkward if we're together. And I wont have to stress about it all week.

He did notice something was up with me on Saturday but I couldn't really have articulated it even if I'd wanted to because it takes me a while to process how I'm feeling.

It means he'll have to find someone else to use the ticket he bought for me but that shouldn't be too difficult.

Thanks Gutterton

I was thinking something like this.

^Hi. I probably should have brought this up yesterday but didn't.

I felt a bit uncomfortable on Saturday night because people kept asking if it is going well with us and referring to you as my boyfriend and I didn't really know how to respond, largely because i don't lie comfortably and it felt like a lie to say things were going well, when I don't know, and it felt like a lie to allow people to think you are my boyfriend when I don't know that either.

I suppose I just want clarification on what you think we are.^

If he just sees us as dating casually (albeit exclusively) then i will end it there and then. It's not what I want and it would just cause me huge grief and anxiety to continue.

If he says that, as far as he is concerned, we are 'together', then i will be more open about what I need in a relationship and, if that's not something he can do, we'll have to agree to split up.

Would be a huge shame though because he's the first man I've met in many, many years who I've actually considered a relationship with. And I don't really want to have to tell my friends who have met him that it's over either

Op - don't send that message. You're using such negative language. It's really down and moany. His first thought will be 'wait, people saying I'm her boyfriend makes her UNCOMFORTABLE?!' then you talk about lying

If you must do this by text, keep it light. 'hey, I probably should have done this face to face but wanted to message instead. It was so nice to hear people refer to you as my boyfriend on Saturday night. I'm having such a great time being with you and spending time with you makes me feel great. I feel like this could really go somewhere given time. I guess what I'm asking for is a bit of reassurance that we're both on the same page. I like you and consider this an exclusive relationship. How do you feel?'