Dating thread 183 - Know your worth, honour your boundaries

[saltysally]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

FWIW @crazycatlady my advice would be to delete not archive. Delete the chat and his number. I'd suggest blocking but I'm not sure you are ready for that. See what effort he makes. Don't start a conversation. Don't keep one going. Answer his questions and no more. Match his effort don't exceed it. And take some time to reflect on what you want from a relationship and a partner.

@crazycatlady20 as I said before he made a rod for his own back swapping his days. His child’s called him out in it as well and a week night after school is never as good quality time as a weekend. He’s prob panicked about that and said what he has said. There may be a way to salvage it putting the time with his kids first but it may not be the same as before.

I have woken up this morning feeling surprisingly refreshed and had the best night sleep I have had in a long while. I'm thinking of going and treating myself to a pair of somewhat expensive sunglasses today.

Great news @Dancerinthemoonlight ooh what 🕶?

I gave him a call. I'm really not in to playing games etc so was gonna invite him over and if he wasnt keen then end it but he got there first. Says he just has too much going on. I'm going to collect my things from his house tonight just to get it done (my suggestion). I think I might cry tho.

He was still chatty on the phone but I dont think he'll initiate much convo after today tbh.

thanks for all ur help. back to the apps I go! 🙁

I saw some Versace ones in tk maxx the other day and I wasn't going to get them because Valentine's was coming up and that it seemed frivolous while the idiot was having money problems (at least he claimed to be) but now it's just me so I can treat myself as I'm not going to be spending money to see him or on food etc for both of us

@crazycatlady20
I'm pleased you took the bull by the horn and got it out of the way.
Such a shame but you are worth so much more.

It's fine to cry for what was, what could have been and missed opportunities.

Practice some self care today, you are the prize.

@sortingbitout thanks. I mean in front of him ☺️🙈

how soon is too soon to get back on the apps? lol

to all who are travelling this bumpy road of dating and feeling a bit unsettled today.
I am now on Tinder. Don't know what I am doing ( well I do but I don't ). Had quite a bit of response, I guess a new face on the block ! Messages from a few guys but not sure I am going to be responding to many ( any)
Still coming to terms with Mr Van looking like history. He was the first in a long time I actually genuinely fancied and liked in equal measures. His last message last Wednesday said he was missing me but no contact from him since. He knows where I am if he wants to come back to me I guess.
Just deciding if I am ready /willing to reach out to some of the guys on the sidelines.

I'm sorry he ended things @crazycatlady20 but it will feel better knowing where you stand and not being on a flux of what does he want from you. Is it stuff you really need back or an excuse to see him? Can he post it to you?

@dancerinthemoonlight get the Versace's. Can't believe you have been paying for you both to go out!

I’ve been seeing Someone from PoF for a month. We are so different that at first, being honest, it was just good to get out of the house but he’s really growing on me! He’s quirky, confident and just generally nice, and he seems to like me a lot. The issue is, he has no children, I have 2 teenagers and I can’t do the things he can do and wants, such as going away for a night or me staying over. My children are 17 and 15 and very very sensible, would it make me a bad mother to have a night away at his? I really want to 😊.

If you are a bad mum @Mylifestartstoday then I'm a terrible one. I've left mine (same age) home overnight and a weekend a few times. Only if the eldest is home and with a designated adult to contact.

I see no.issue with it! Go have fun.

@notcoolmum no I'd like to get it back and it's too large to post.

I dont really want to see him as I think I'll prob cry lol so dont want to leave it till later, would rather just get it done. such an idiot, dunno why, I obv didnt know him THAT well, didnt think he was the one yet but would have liked to got to know him more.

Mine are still primary school and one has additional needs. But even if consider overnight at 17 to be absolutely fine. I'd gone off on my own or with friends for weeks away by that age.

I thought Mr S was 'the one' @crazycatlady20 I understand how much it hurts. And how painful it is to lose the hope of something good. I still don't understand why he didn't feel it. But what's important is he didn't and I couldn't hang around as his fallback girl.

Hugs to everyone who is struggling at the moment.
Life just doesn't seem fair when you find someone you really like, then it starts to fall apart after a few months.
I'm still dealing with the fallout from breaking up with Mr FO. I've had a half heartened attempt on the apps but chats seem to dry up quickly or there's no one I like the look of.

Will I get into trouble with my ex if he finds out? We aren’t divorced yet (he had an affair so can hardly be that virtuous) but I don’t want to chance him trying to take them away from me. I wouldn’t go away, just to his house, which is around 12 miles away.
Plus, how do you broach the subject with teenagers? They were shocked their dad was having sex (albeit with someone else), they’ll be 😲 if they knew I was at aged 50! 😂. Not as surprised as me, I thought I was washed up!

@mylifestartstoday I would Maybe tell
The kids dad If you stay our overnight but just say you are with a friend. I tend to overshare what I am doing with my dd with my ex so he has no come back he didn’t know things. When I was 15/16 my mum and dad left me and went on hols for 2 weeks 🤣.

@Mylifestartstoday nspcc guidelines are children under 16 shouldn't be left home alone overnight. And yours wouldn't be as they have a 17 year old with them. As long as you trust the time be sensible and not have a huge party etc I wouldn't think it was any of your ex's business. Does he have them overnight?

I've always been very honest with my teens so they know where I am and who with. I want to encourage a culture of openness and honesty so they feel they can share with me. I don't discuss my sex life or anything but they know I'm dating and staying out overnight.

@Notcoolmum. They are both really sensible. He doesn’t have them overnight, at most he sees them for around 3 hours Wednesday after school and sometimes a couple of hours on a Sunday. My eldest knows I’ve had a few dates with someone, but I think she’s feel embarrassed if I said I was staying overnight, as would I probably. I haven’t had ‘time off’ for 7 months, it would be lovely just to have a break

@mylifestartstoday could you go out a few times with friends? Maybe just the cinema or over to their house for a drink? Just so your DC get used to the idea of you going out.

I've had to block him. He kept at me with guilt tripping messages. Perhaps he was trying to get me to change my mind but it had the opposite effect. It's sad it came to this - I do understand he must be very confused and hurt by my sudden decision, but I can't get into a long drawn out conversation. The emotional drain is too much.

I also think that if he had done this to me, with the reasoning I provided, I would respect that and keep my dignity intact by not sending emotional messages every few hours. Maybe I'm cold hearted.

Nope, you are too kind hearted and he's a manipulative self-centred arse

Yes, I know I should learn to speak my mind more.

Ha! Thanks again for the reality check.

This dating malarkey is full of pitfalls.