Dating thread 183 - Know your worth, honour your boundaries

[saltysally]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@shitwithsugaron by what do you mean farfetched?

I don’t really need to leave anything there as don’t live far and with the times we have our kids I’ll always leave early but I’m going to take my pjs this time 😂.

@TheCat Good comeback, but so rude of her I did laugh at the idea she sent a link it’s like something out of a sitcom from a character who has no clue! Thanks for the cookery school recommendation, it was one I was looking at so good to have a recommendation.
@bang It would worry me that he’s booked an open ticket and last train was 8.10, I think you need to make a point of keeping a boundary it’s not a good precedent to set.

I’ve started listening to mr unavailable and the fall back girl today, I think I’m going to find it very interesting I’m already thinking about my past relationships differently.

Third date with mr scenery tomorrow, funny what was being said up the thread about things moving quickly, I was maybe starting to put expectations on myself and him by comparing the speed we’re going at compared to some on here. But as I was saying to my therapist it feels Luke a sensible pace that’s right for us and my focus is on staying in the moment and not getting carried away with what ifs and looking ahead. I’m nervous but trying not to be, it’s still such early days, we’re both in the same place, out of a very LTR that’s been our whole 30s, both been on a date or two but this is new territory for both of us, I keep thinking about @shits words about letting someone earn the right to hear our story, but also listening to mr unavailable I want to probe a little more into wether he really is ready to move on! But also just have a laugh and enjoy his company and flirting without getting too heavy - sometimes feels like a minefield!

@shitwithsugaron ill be honest, i take some posts with a pinch of salt as they sound fantastical. This has happened before and just seems like people trolling for attention. There are also going to be genuine people who appear to move fast but each to their own. For example, for me, meeting the kids would be an outright no for at least a year but I appreciate that is a big one! Sleeping with anyone within a few dates is also a no for me but then again, I come from a quite conservative background so it's instilled in me and not for everyone.

I post here to get the honest opinions of what I need to hear whether I want to hear it or not.

I have slept with an iron too soon into dating them. I look back on it now and wonder what I was thinking. It hasn't made them stick around any longer than they probably would have. If they are interested in you they will want to see you if they are sleeping with you or not.

The speed some people move at does shock me sometimes too. I guess we can only do what feels right for us but I am so damn worried about messing my kids lives up by my actions that I am moving very slowly with Mr Ad. Like @Notcoolmum I also value my Independence these days and like having my own life with my kids and then being an adult, in an adult relationship when I'm not with them. Sometimes they overlap but on the whole I like the balance.

The not meeting kids for a good while part i defo agree on.

The sex part only affects yourself so you do that at your own ‘risk’ that it would be a one off or not lead anywhere. In my case I had sex on the 2nd date for various reasons of my own and I wouldn’t change that as I made that choice myself confidently. I’d also respect people who don’t and a different person at a different time I would have maybe done something different as well.

I think sex should be had when you want it and without expectations it will lead to anything. You enjoy the sex for what it is. If you aren't able to do that then best to wait until things are more clear between you. I wouldn't regret having sex at any stage if I had wanted it and it was enjoyable. But I do get a rush of hormones the next day so I have to take those into account.

For me rushing things isn't about sex it's about meeting kids, seeing each other multiple times a week when you've just met, long daily phone calls, meeting parents in a matter of weeks, talking about love after a handful of meetings etc. I wonder what else is being pushed out of a busy life to accommodate that. What are they pushing out to accommodate it with you. What sort of hole will that lead if it doesn't work out. And just wonder why it has to be at a breakneck pace when If it's meant to be it will happen. Just at a more manageable pace.

I have really enjoyed following this thread and contributing my thoughts on one or two of the dilemmas presented. I have read and developed my own opinions about what people do in different situations. I have been treating this as a safe place for us to come and share our experiences of the minefield that is OLD. None of us know the intricacies of each others' lives. I would like to think we don't need to be judgemental but instead offer support.

Great news on the holiday @Sunshineandflipflops have your parents met Mr AD? He's brave going on a family holiday!!! Mr B met some of my family briefly at the weekend. Not sure he'd be up for a family holiday!!

It’s s very big step from being concerned about posters’ methods or wisdom to questioning their authenticity. I for one have never done the latter, we can never know after all.

@Notcoolmum Yes, he's met my parents but only briefly a couple of times. I think he's brave too but my parents are pretty cool and I'll try and make sure we have some time on our own and just with the kids. It will be 8 months by then 😊

@Stuckinarut79 Glad it was of use. I had such a good time, I'm looking at booking another course with them at some point soon.

I've got a good feeling about Miss Haircut who I'm meeting this evening - spent almost an hour chatting on the phone last week, and although she doesn't message too much it's always fun and just the right level of banter. I also fancy her based on her photos, so hopefully that translates to real life and she feels the same!

And I'm also hoping she doesn't have an issue with what I wear tonight

Talking of moving too fast or slow - if you fancy someone, would you go for a snog on the first date? And would you usually wait for the guy to instigate it? I'm terrible at reading signs if someone likes me, so usually miss the moment when it presents itself! Any advice would be appreciated!

Good luck @TheCatWithTheHat and yes to a snog instigated by the man!!

I'm with @notcoolmum and @shitwithsugaron on this - being on a thread like this is entirely about support and advice and some of that advice might be judging or questioning the sensibility of situations particularly with kids, family lives, mental health involved. I think also some of us have been on here for near enough 2 years, dated plenty of people and watched close freinds do the same - from the good, bad to inbetween - I haven't seen it all but it feels like I have sometimes haha - so seeing a situation like speeding into things when you have kids or you've just come out of a LTR gets me peeking from behind my fingers.

As notcool says - where's the big rush? It feels like a boom or bust way to start a relationship. I've seen love bombing way too often now for me to discount it - the aftermath is devastating. I was myself totally overinvolved with the first person i met OLD and it was way too soon - I overlooked a ton of terrible issues. Of course! It goes without saying I would love it if the old adage 'If it feels right, it is right' is correct for everyone. It just won't be - not for everyone - and the way to make sure it's right and minimise the impact if it isn't is to slooooow down. Afterall, if they're really right - it won't matter.

@TheCatWithTheHat Personally I would never initiate a snog. I would say the way to know whether to go for it is to read all the signals? I've noticed one tell tale sign I give off and it's - you know when someone's telling you a story and they tap you on the wrist/forearm as they do it....like 'Oh let me tell you this story' (light tap)? Well I do that if I fancy someone.....I assume it's not just me??? I would never initiate a touch if I didn't.

@Notcoolmum that was an excellent post and one that really resonates with me. I'm trying to stop myself getting swept up with Mr P. I keep looking at my phone and getting disheartened if he hadn't massaged me, but the truth is he messages me through the day and we both have full time jobs and kids so I need to calm the f**k down!
I don't want to lose my new freedom after a 25 year relationship with anything other than something genuine so I'm trying to slow myself down.
Although we've been messaging since before Christmas we only started dating last month and although he's just lovely I could never contemplate declarations of love, meeting children or parents and blending lives! So I do share the concerns of others up thread when it " appears " others do so quickly.
But I guess it's up to the individual. I've enjoyed these threads and learnt so much so would hate if people stopped posting.

For example I'm staying over at Mr Ps on Saturday night with absolutely no pressure on me to sleep with him( but I'm going to !!! ) and he will he only the second man in my life I will have ever slept with !!! How do I get over my nerves please!!!

@Notcoolmum. Your round up of the sex part I agree with completely

@Clovertoast That was me in August, if you’re really nervous you may not be ready, it might be great first time, but it make take a few attempts or about 12 in my case before you get it right, so don’t put pressure on yourself.

Everyone has different ideas of a good time scale, I know I was a bit hasty introducing MrNN to my son (6 months), luckily it has been okay (so far). While others thought (including MrNN 😂) I was a bit bonkers for not having sex with him for four months, which is fine as that isn’t the right thing for everyone.

I know I get a bit grumpy if someone says I’m doing something wrong etc, but it is good to hear opposite views or for someone to say “hang on a minute, that’s not right” as it does make us think about our actions a bit more.

@Sunshineandflipflops He is very brave! Have your parents prepared all their embarrassing stories about you?

@SimonJT It's my parents who will be the embarrassing ones! Well, my mum really. She has a heart of gold and I honestly wouldn't have got through the last two years without her but she likes to know everything about everyone and Mr Ad has had quite a troubled life so I'm going to have to ask her to go gently with him. He's pretty open though so should be fine. She also repeats herself ALOT after a couple of glasses of wine but being a recovering alcoholic, I'm sure Mr Ad will understand 😂

I should add, I am very close to my parents, geographically and emotionally so having someone in my life and not meeting my parents by this point would be impossible!

I am 41 though and I like to think pretty sensible so things have been at a comfortable pace for us and for my kids.