Dating thread 183 - Know your worth, honour your boundaries

[saltysally]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Yeah but we are here to lend each other a hand when we get stuck in them.

Hi all, I'm psyching myself to write a note to a guy i've had my eye on for ages and pass it to him as he walks past today. Feel like i need to carpe diem. Yes, could wait until i'm more certain he feels something back, but i've been waiting ages already and that day may never come!

Here's what i plan to write. Please feel free to make suggestions:

Hi,
I've been thinking I'd like to get to know you, rather than just passing in the street.
If you feel the same way, let me know. x

And then my phone number.

How does that sound? Too formal? Not enough?

Hi. Mr Jewish ended things last Monday so feeling exceptionally sorry for myself. I absolutely hate that I’m in this position: 50 this year, 2 x DDs and single.

Mr Jewish pursued me . Made huge efforts to get us overnights together (childcare for his daughter), took pleasure in cooking for me, even bought me two cookbooks that he swears by as a present. I only had to mention a good - such as “yeah I like marmite” for him to have a jar on next visit. This happened various times. Falling over himself!

No

Sh*t fat fingers. Sorry was going to say his parents put pressure on him to “set a good example to his daughter”. He FTimed me and just said sorry , at which point i put the phone down - so will never actually hear the explanation. Doh.

So now I’m f*cked off and also feeling added hurt that I’m considered a “bad example”.

Didn’t mean this to mean this moany

I am trying to get myself into the right mindset about Mr Straight. I haven't initiated contact the last 2 days and neither has he, so that shows me a lot! I do miss chatting though, I have opened up a lot to him about my vulnerabilities and he's always supported me ( rule broken) I feel as though I have lost a friend, more than a potential relationship.

I am considering sending him a message outlining how I feel, is this a terrible idea? I know he will reply but will that just make me feel worse?

ruffle well I wouldn’t do that but if you feel it’s a good idea then I’m sure the wording is fine. Good luck.

upyerbum how long had you been seeing him? Sorry, you must feel bad.

bang sounds like a bad idea. What’s the point?

@tiger I don't know, I think I feel better when I say what I feel rather than bottling it up, as I feel quite frustrated! In this case though I think I may just be making things worse for myself.

PerfectPretender,it must have taken alot for you to end things. You used to count down the days till you saw him again and we were all excited for you.
Maybe the distance was also in the back of your mind.

Have a bit of time off like some of us on here. Yeah,there are no highs and lows! But I dont feel like I'm missing out. I had a little look at pof at the weekend( to see if Mr sparky had got back to me...nope) but haven't since then and dont miss it.

I mean I miss being in a relationship but the dating bit has put me off. The thought of having to 'tidy up down there' too is something I dont miss!

Will wait till spring to get back on and get those garden shears out haha

Bang,you really mustn't message him,he knows how you feel.

Have you any other irons to take your mind off him? Get messaging them and it will help.I know it's hard.

bang yes it’s good to talk about how you feel but why tell him? You’re trying to break the hold he has on you so surely it’s best not to open the door again. Two days NC is good going, maybe try to keep it up?

@kerkyra I know, thanks for clarifying, it's just hard....but yes, it's obvious how I feel isn't it!

No other irons, apart from one I spoke to at the weekend and we arranged to go out Friday ( but haven't arranged plans). He hasn't sent me any more messages so I don't want to chase him.

@TigerDater yes that is how I feel, like he has a hold on me, and I want to break that! The only way I can do that is by not doing anything, which is the opposite thing of what I want to do...Sorry to keep going on about him, this must be boring.

Why not, @TigerDater? Surely the worst he can say is no?

I've just come across a friends partner on an app, as 'with partner/its complicated' 😲. we arent close friends and doubt he knows who I am.

do I keep my nose out or send him a message asking if she knows?

@bangheadhere I'd only message and say how u feel if u are going to break it off. I wouldnt do it hoping hes going to change

@RuffleCrow No that's not the worst he could say. He could say 'Oh i'm confused/distance blah blah but I really like you' and confuse issues further. Not worth any interaction with someone who's already been dancing on the fence for ages

@bangheadhere40 have you deleted him and his chat and any option to contact him? If so and you recognise no contact from this point is best - do it. It will release you from any 'Should I? Shouldn't I?' overthinking. He'll be out of your system in no time.

I guess I think he could be thinking the same thing that I haven't been in touch, and he could be sat there wondering why! @supercalli yes I think if I asked that is the exact response I would get unfortunately, so best not.

@supercalli77 not deleted options, as I won't contact him, and I don't just want to delete him as he will know I have.

Bang, I hate not knowing where I stand,that feeling of anxiety in the pit of your stomach not knowing if you're going to get a txt or what's going on. It actually makes me a bit crazy . If someone doesnt message to confirm a date I just think fuck you mister and that little wall I used to have years ago has grown to about 20 foot high now.
Hope he texts and arranges soon

But 2 days is good for me in 4 months so I need to keep on going. If he comes back good, if not, I can't be in this state of limbo indefinitely. xx

@bangheadhere40 If he is then he can just get in touch right? But - he's not. I'd lay money on it. You've already told him you'd like to see him again before. Why will he know you've deleted him? Stick your WA picture onto public. Sorted.

@bangheadhere40 Tbh, I would say he has to do more than just 'come back' as in send a paltry text several days of silence later. He knows full well you're interested. So either he wants to travel the distance and see you, or he doesn't. And if he doesn't - him sending texts is just a pointless waste of bandwidth/time/your precious attention.

ruffle I guess you’re right, though he may not react at all which might be a bit awkward? I suppose if someone did that to me I’d be freaked out, that’s all. I’d be unlikely to react positively. But then I’m not the man you fancy!

Yes, @kerkyra, I suddenly had a few niggly feelings come into sharp focus all at once, and coupled with some serious issues going on with my dc that I've neglected a bit due to the distraction of dating, I just needed to stop. Not slow down or take a break, but stop. And his reaction to me has solidified that feeling. Oh well.