Dating thread 183 - Know your worth, honour your boundaries

[saltysally]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Gitface I agree with everyone else, something doesn't seem quite right here. Has something happened that has triggered this reaction from him?
Not sure what to advise for the best. How long is he expecting you to wait around for him to decide? I think I would give him a week at most then talk to him about what has happened.

@bangheadhere40 that is my normal messaging style. Unless there's a question to answer, I won't reply if I feel the convo has naturally ended
But other people like to say good night etc

A few weeks apparently. I need to get my self respect back.

@gitface I would tell him you won't be waiting around a few weeks! That's really cruel of him, and leaves you in limbo, if you can find the strength, I would just finish it, sounds like he has been really mean :-(

Thanks @echo Think I am over thinking the messaging thing.....which is a big tendency of mine!

I understand he is feeling guilty and some sense of loss of what may have been
For that I would give space as it makes sense

But I think his failure to adapt probably has had an impact on the child over 5 years of the child can’t adapt either and that’s a huge issue.

Many people decide not to move on until their children have grown but in that case he shouldn’t have gone into a 9 month relationship with you

It could be that this has just given him cause to step back and get his head together but I wouldn’t chase after him. He knows what you want

He had 4 years before he met you @gitface to come to terms with it. How old is his child and is there any reason he should struggle so much? Have you met the child. Been to his house. Does his ex know about you? What other friends and family have you met?

I've been to his house and she knows about us, she's had relationships since. I haven't met the six year old child who apparently finds the two homes situation difficult. In torn between thinking its guilt or that she must have asked him to come back after all this time.

Jane1978 - we're at decree nisi already. It is really just the finances being sorted and getting that court order, that's stopping the whole thing being done and dusted.

@Gitface

It’s usually guilt etc. But having had 2 DC who have had 2 homes since they were 5 and 3 I was surprised at how well they adapted

Although they see my home as their home and not their dads house as their home. This could be one issue
You don’t say how much he has the child is it 50/50? And if it isn’t, why not?

If his child is 6, then having two homes has been the norm for most of their life.
It still sounds to me like something has changed recently to cause him to pull back from you.
What do you want to happen? Are you happy to give him space and try and support him through this? And how long are you prepared to wait for him?

So it's been for all of the life hat his cold will remember. Why would they find their normal way of living difficult? Sounds like an excuse or his is projecting his own feelings onto his kid. Either way I think you'd benefit from reading Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Whatever the reason he isn't emotionally available to you.

That and child. Sorry!!

Gitface I agree with the others, that's a long time after splitting to be thinking or hoping for a reconciliation. I would find that odd. And a few weeks ia a long time - I think I would be ending it, not hanging around to see if he deigns to come back!

I've been having counselling on and off for 9 years - it's been amazingly helpful when I was realising my marriage was shit, my hideously acrimonious divorce, being made homeless, the death of my mother and dealing with my father (I don't.like him). It also helps with navigating relationships and working out what's 'normal' and healthy. I highly, highly recommend it!

Yes I totally think that he's projecting his own guilt onto the child. The child has no memories of them as s couple in the same house. Children are resilient and follow the example of the parents. In my head I need to focus on moving on, not expect him back.. I shouldn't even want him back after this pain.

@gitface - you are right, you shouldn't! Even though when you are in the middle of it feelings cloud judgment don't they. I think if you can get a little more angry about it in your own mind instead of feeling hurt it helps.

I think he has been really cruel to you reading from what you have said, and to just ask you to hang on for weeks whilst HE makes up his mind is awful. If he had any decency he could say he needs some space, but he doesn't expect you to wait around.

The child also has no memories as you say so that makes no sense.

@Gitface I'm almost a year into a 2 homes scenario and my kids are nearly 6 and 8. I do feel guilt and they are still adjusting, but I agree that a child who has only known that shouldn't be struggling that much. Unless there are extra needs which make changes challenging? Sounds like something has changed

I need some sense talking into me... I've noticed a pattern whereby when I meet someone I connect with, I get very anxious at the start about what will happen next. That it's out of my control and uncertain. And all this before I even really vaguely know the person so it's definitely my issue! I have severe rejection sensitivity which I'm aware of, and these situations massively press that button, but what the hell can I do about it?! Do others experience this? And how did/do you deal with it? The anxiety makes me very distracted and preoccupied. I too am having counselling (systemic) and finding it very helpful, but I don't have a session until next week so thought I'd ask the gurus

Current trigger for the above is I met and chatted to a guy in a pub at the weekend. We really connected, he said it too, but he then told me he's on the verge of splitting with his partner. He's got my number and said he'd really like to see me again. my head knows it's a non starter for so many reasons, but this...hope, and lack of control, is sending me a bit loopy! And it always does which, given my line of work is slightly concerning... I also went on an impromptu date yesterday and he's lovely and attractive...but the same connection isn't there like it was with the other guy who I met the previous evening. He's too keen and available perhaps?! God, maybe I do need to stay single!

I'm trying to get angry but it is difficult as I'm in love with him and expected my future with him after all that we talked about. Letting go of that feels impossible. I really appreciate the help and advice.

I thought I'd pop in and say hello and catch up with how everyone is doing! Hope you are all well in the dating world?

Twas my birthday on Sunday, was supposed to go to London as Mr Cactus was surprising me with a trip for me and DS (no idea what was planned) but cancelled due to the trains from York to London being diabolical. Luckily he was able to get a refund and we're going to reschedule. So instead, we stayed in and he made me a birthday cheesecake which I've just remembered is in the fridge and I'm half tempted to go eat a huge slice.

Other than that, its 6 months since I met him. Time flies!

Hope everyone is well and happy

@Gitface I left my ex three and a half years ago and he still seems to be hanging around waiting for me to come back too which is never going to happen. In the meantime he is dating other women. I think it's good your guy is being honest with you he needs to decide whether he wants to commit to you or commit to getting his ex back however long that may take. I would leave him alone and if he comes back to you he's yours. I wouldn't chase around after a man who isn't sure if he wants to be with you. Leave it be and see what he does next

@stillsexystillsingle I agree, give him some space and hopefully he'll work out what he needs and wants. Mr Cactus was a bit like that for a time, he was a bit scared by the sudden realisation that I'm not a casual date when I have an 8 year old. It wasn't too bad but he had a bit of a meltdown one Friday after we went to visit my best friend and her baby.

He just needed space for a day and then he was fine. Obviously with Gitface its a different but I think maybe the same principles apply - give him space to work out out for himself and hopefully he'll reconnect

If I go with the possibility that he's genuinely confused and struggling to take a step with me which shuts the door on a preconceived dream past, how long do I wait? He asked for two weeks. Do I give that and stay NC?

This is all you can do. You need to make sure it just doesn’t drag on though x

Honestly. If a man isn't sure he wants to be with you why would you hang around in the hope he picks you. He's been allegedly split from his wife for 5 years and known you 9 months. Read Mr Unavailable and the Fallback girl. Please. @gitface

@Gitface, if you feel you can, give him 2 weeks tops and see what happens during that time. Maybe some of the things others have said on here might help you to formulate some questions that he really needs to address. And if he doesn't give you answers you feel comfortable with then you will need to make a decision about him.
Mr Photography messaged earlier asking if I was free this evening. I am but my 20 yr old DD may be about to be dumped, her bf is on his way over. If that happens then I will be staying here with her. Mr ITU seems to have forgiven me and wants to meet on Wednesday. And Mr Local is back from business later in the week and seems keen to meet asap. The attention is certainly helping to keep my mind off Mr Van who I still get the occasional pang about.

I think two weeks maximum and after that I will send a wish you all the best text and walk away, unfriend on social media etc. He's had his heart broken in the past by the ex so knows exactly what he's putting me through. I'm finding it so difficult to get angry because I want to cuddle in his arms and cry. Pathetic I know. He's the one hurting me and it's him I want to turn to but he clearly doesn't want me anymore. I suspect he's just spinning it out to feel better about it himself.

DD who is 18yo in a few months is kicking off about me going out/staying out and because I am dating

I haven’t dated much in over 2 years and when I did it was always when they were with their dad so it didn’t affect them

Generally I try to go out when they are already busy anyway or like I said up thread, stay out but come back before they wake up ( I’ve done this once and want to do it tomorrow). DD2 is nearly 16 they are completely trustworthy, the house is full of food, we live in a nice safe area, no one has SEN and I sit downstairs by myself nearly every evening anyway even when they are home. They never even eat with me

I didn’t want to bring Mr Muddle back to mine when they are home yet as it’s their home and I don’t want them to feel uncomfortable. He lives about a 30-40 min drive away and their dad lives 20 mins away and my friends live round the corner. I could easily ask my DM to come round but DD1 doesn’t want her here

Tomorrow I’ve taken the day off as Mr M is taking me to a spa, I will still take them to school/college and have money to get home and dinner is a pizza. So why am I feeling guilty? She is really guilt tripping me. She looked him up on FB and when I came home tonight said ‘he is strange looking’

I’ve waited until she is nearly adult to kind of get a bit of a life and she’s not taking it well