Dating thread 183 - Know your worth, honour your boundaries

[saltysally]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

CBT is more coping strategies than just talking - it’s to help deal with trauma, anxiety and OCD
And it’s def about you working out why you do what you do
It helped me with anxiety and low self esteem

Cbt you can get on the no I waited for 3 months to be asessed for it but as I was was going to work and doing day to day activities I was deemed not to need it

@NoMoreWeepingAndWanking you can apply for divorce and sort finances while it’s processing that’s what I’ve done. My ex just had a figure he wants me to hand over which goes up every few months

Good cbt can be really effective, it’ll look at your thought patterns how you talk to yourself, it’s a really good starting point. I’ve been seeing my therapist for over 2 years now, it’s been really helpful, got me through leaving my stbxh and stuff with the kids, as well as helping me figure myself out, I’m in so much of a better place thanks to it.

My DD has just finished an NHS CBT course which sorted out a phobia that was affecting both her health and her career. Combined with counselling re anxiety, which I paid for, she feels she is a new woman 😊.

Can I join please. I’ve been in a relationship for nine months and he has been distant for a month. Friday he told me he sees a long term future with me but having that meant giving up on the idea of going back to the mum of his child so that he can be around his child full time. They split five years ago and as far as I’m aware she doesn’t want him back and they don’t get on. He’s asked for space to think for a few weeks, has called us off and it’s killing me not talking to him and not knowing what he is thinking. He was my best friend and I thought we would be together for good.

Thanks all, I am on the list for CBT so hopefully it will help!

@giface, welcome! Sorry to hear you are going through a rubbish time, do you mean that he is considering going back to his ex as in relationship terms, is that what he said? I'm sure someone will be along soon to offer good advice.

@Gitface, sorry to hear that you are having a hard time. Men and relationships are a complete conundrum as far as I can see. Is there anything happening in the background of his life that may be causing this period of uncertainty ? Surely it seems unlikely he would be considering going back to his ex ( or vice versa ) after 5 years apart? The difficult part in these situations is that we can only control our own feelings and reactions, not the other person's. If you have made your feelings for him clear then I would take a step back, focus on myself and see what his next move is. Things rarely stay the same and something will happen, either he will realise what he may be jeopardising with you or given the time and space you will feel less emotionally invested in him. And I know from personal experience this is excruciating to do at times. The support on here is fantastic and no one is remotely judgemental. Stories get shared and sympathy and advice bounces back and forth. Sometimes even just having an arena in which to say the toughest things can help. I have a couple of great friends but even they tire of listening to me going over stuff.

Yes banghead, he says he sees his future with me and I’m the only one he’s loved since his ex. That scares him in case he gets hurt. But he seems to be struggling to let go of the idea of him being happy families with his ex for the sake of his child. He asked for me to stay in his life just as we are now but as friends, I refused as it would break me. This is killing me inside. So in effect I’m waiting for him to choose between us. I’m torn between messaging and sitting it out, no contact until he sorts his head.

Onesmallstep, there’s been nothing between them for years, but his child struggles with going between the two of them and he feels guilty that the child hasn’t got both parents full time. It’s totally the wrong reason to get back with her. It’s never come up before because he’s never had a relationship get to our stage and he’s realised he either is in fully or out with us.

I suspect it has been in his head for a while. He’s deliberately slowed down our relationship this last month and it’s clear why. I want him back but it has to be because he’s said goodbye to his pie eyed dream of living with his child 24/7 and wants to commit fully to me. He’s the only one who can decide that. I don’t know if I’d have more success by keeping away, no contact or if I should be in touch. He asked for space to process what is going on in his head so I should respect that I know. But it is driving me mad, I can’t focus or sleep.

So last night was the first meeting with Mr Smiley and he was taller and sexier than I was expecting. Very much his own person, a busy and full life. I sounded dull in comparison. And he wasn't being arrogant about anything, just talking with passion about the stuff he's into. I don't think there will be date 2. I wasn't on top form. I hadn't mentally prepared for meeting him, didn't make an effort to change from the clothes I was already in- although I looked okay. No word from him after or since.
Yesterday's lunchtime session with Mr Photography was fun but if I see him again it would probably only be on a casual basis. He isn't a LTR prospect. Our lives are too different.
think I will hop back onto Tinder today and do a bit more swiping. Playing the numbers game at the moment. Mr ITU has gone quiet, in a mood I think as I haven't been messaging him when I said I would.

Does giving space actually work in terms of a man realising what life is like without you there?

@Gitface, from what you describe it sounds like the only real issue is how to manage his DS and I can imagine that his guilt over the breakdown of his family is what he is finding difficult to face. Is his DS aware that his Dad is in a relationship with you ? How old is DS ? he's had 5 years of not having his parents together, surely he must be used to things ? My DH passed away so I haven't had to deal with this, well not from my side and so far not met any guys still juggling seeing their DC.
Keeping your distance doesn't mean no contact. I would maintain telling him how much you care about him and want things to work out between you but try not to apply pressure. He needs to realise he can have you and have plenty of contact with his son. Lots of people do manage that.

I'm sorry @Gitface but to me there sounds like there is more to it than he has said to you. After 5 years why would he be considering reconciling with his ex and why would his son not have adjusted to the split? It sounds to me like they have kept some sort of relationship going during this time and he now has to make his mind up if he wants to be with you full time.

To just want to back out now and have space after 9 months is cold and hurtful.

@gitface I do agree with @Notcoolmum , it doesn't really add up. You only know what he has told you, which may of course, not be the truth, I think we forget that sometimes! 5 years is a long time, and if he was so worried about his son not having both parents then why did he split in the first place.....

@Onesmallstep67 - good to go on dates...hope you had a nice evening anyway!

I'm getting a little confused with messaging styles, me and Mr Dumfries were chatting last night, back and forth...but no real sign off or good bye! He sent the last message but with no question so I just left it.

Is this normal? or a bit rude maybe on both sides?

Can I ask some advice please?
Been seeing Mr Joiner for about 5 weeks, not a long time but about 8 dates in so far and we agreed exclusively and have come off the apps.
I really like him but the last few days have felt a bit up and down. I'm very insecure so happy to be told it's just me and to calm down!
We usually message a fair amount, probably more than he is used to but also less than I'm used to!
We met up Wednesday and all was good. Thursday we messaged consistently. Friday I didn't hear from him from after 4pm but he had his kids so I assumed it was that.
Saturday I didn't hear from him all day so I messaged him at about 4pm and he was chatty as normal. Saturday night he even suggested a night away together and told me to let him know what date suited me and he would arrange it. We made plans to see each other Sunday night.
Sunday he's working so I message him about 4pm, with the storm and everything we agree not to meet up, trains cancelled etc.
He checks I'm not annoyed and I confirm I'm not and say to him to message me when he gets home. But no word from him since.
I feel I'm always messaging him first. But his messages are always cheerful etc when he replies. I just don't know if I'm into him more than he's into me.
Any thoughts?

I would worry that 5 years down the line is a significant time for things to not have improved at all and him still feeling that way

@dancemom everyone has a tolerance level for how long feels comfortable to wait between messages. If yours is shorter than his, you'll tend to initiate most messaging. As long as he's chatty and replies then that's what counts. I can go days without wanting to initiate chats at the moment because I'm super busy and a bit stressed. There have been times when I've initiated more.

But I'd easily go 2-3 days before I feel the need to start a convo right now. Especially once I've made plans to meet up for the next date.

@dancemom I’m like that with mr g (been seeing him slightly longer). I would say I start convos 80% of the time and like it says above it depends how long someone waits. I think women just tend to be more chatty with friends and family on messages so expect more. If he’s chatty and interested when he replies then that’s fine

Thank you guys, I suppose I need to chill out a bit.

I know, I think he's never had to deal with it before because he's never got this far with another partner. I'm trying to be angry and find my dignity to tell him to piss off if he comes back but it feels impossible because I thought he was my future.

But he had to deal with it for 5 years... most people move on and accept the new way of life. It is most odd that for 5 years he’s been thinking he will go back to her, especially when she doesn’t even want him back.