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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why do I feel like this after sex?

243 replies

HelloLollypop · 03/02/2020 16:11

I’ve been dating someone 2 months and on Friday night we did the deed. It was great.

Since then I’ve been obsessing over hearing from him and I don’t know what’s go into me!!!! (No pun intended Blush). I was pretty relaxed about things between us before this but now I am checking my phone all the time. We’d done lots of other stuff before this so sex wasn’t really all that different! Seen each other completely naked and been intimate before.

His messaging hasn’t change, sometimes he goes a day or so without being in contact, so there’s nothing actually different between us. But I am constantly thinking about when he will next be in touch and it’s driving me mad.

Any ideas why this is happening?! I don’t want to ruin something that could be good by being like this.

OP posts:
TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 03/02/2020 20:37

Blimey! I think I want to text him to tell him to run for the hills!

Reading your posts, OP, has me playing this over and over in my head.

Just text him!

Doryhunky · 03/02/2020 20:37

This is exhausting...

muddypuddles12 · 03/02/2020 20:38

Bloody hell how needy do you sound.

Poor fucker he's not a mind reader. As far as he's concerned, he's spoken to you since you slept together and now he's just behaving exactly how he normally does, little does he know you're going batshit crazy about the fact he hasn't text you to ask how your day has gone! You need to pull yourself together and stop being such a drama queen. Or if it really is SUCH a dealbreaker then be an adult and tell the guy.

TheBlueStocking · 03/02/2020 20:40

I'd be upset too, OP.

BlimeyCalmDown · 03/02/2020 20:40

This was the beginning of the end for me, more than once. I'm seriously considering giving up on the male species.

muddypuddles12 · 03/02/2020 20:40

I'm seriously questioning whether this thread is even legit. Do people seriously look this deeply into things? Anyone else? Maybe I'm just suuuuuper chill....

(if someone could let my husband know about this thread I'd appreciate it. It's making me look great)

Original poster
HelloLollypop · 03/02/2020 20:41

Muddy if you’re married then it’s totally different.

I’m talking about two days after sex with someone for the first time.

OP posts:
Livandme · 03/02/2020 20:42

Just text him!!

oohyoudevilyou · 03/02/2020 20:45

I'd be upset as well. You're relationship has moved up a level by having sex and staying over, so it's not unreasonable to expect the between-dates contact to reflect that increased intimacy. And I totally get the OP wanting him to be proactive rather than just reply to her texts.

Mermaidwaves · 03/02/2020 20:45

OP you want reassurance after the first time and I think that's understandable. So many threads here talk about men ghosting and losing interest after sex, it's not surprising some women ( and men) feel nervous after the first time. OP I would also hope that a guy I'm seeing would have enough about him just to send a quick message the day after.

cybergran · 03/02/2020 20:46

grow up and stop being so needy. if you are old enough to have sex you are old enough to take responsibility and pick up the phone and talk to him...

stop texting, its the unhealthiest thing ever invented and is entirely detrimental to human relationships and communication.

you cannot expect him to anticipate how you think and feel, he is only a man after all.

talk to him!

BetterWithCheddar · 03/02/2020 20:46

It's the change. And if it feels like weird or unusual to you then it almost certainly is. Every time I've started to freak it's because it's the beginning of the end. And I am happy to text first and have never let on about freaking out. I'm with you OP, whatever is going on, he isn't investing in you as you would like. Now it's up to you to decide what you want to do about it.

WifOfBif · 03/02/2020 20:46

I get it OP.

You instigated contact after you left yesterday and you were hoping he’d text you today. I understand why that would make you feel shit, especially if he knew about your presentation today.

I wouldn’t text him either. You want to see if he’ll make the effort without being forced. Hopefully you’ll hear from him before you go to bed.

okiedokieme · 03/02/2020 20:46

Join the club, luckily the feeling is mutual, he admits to sitting at work unable to concentrate. It actually started before I even met him face to face, I thought it was just me, but no he was just the same.

It's a wonderful thing!

muddypuddles12 · 03/02/2020 20:47

Yes I'm very well aware of what you mean, you may have mentioned it once or twice.

You're still being needy and in all honesty, a bit pathetic. You're throwing your toys out the pram for absolutely no reason. Give yourself a stern talking to, get an early night and tomorrow is a new day.

busybarbara · 03/02/2020 20:47

And I totally get the OP wanting him to be proactive

Why? This just perpetuates traditional gender roles. Next you’ll be saying only he is able to purpose or that she should stay at home with the children.

SwishSwishBisch · 03/02/2020 20:49

God OP. I can overthink with the best of them when it comes to stuff like this but seriously, just text him!
I absolutely detest this ridiculous game playing that goes on in dating.

ittooshallpass · 03/02/2020 20:52

Oh OP, you're getting yourself in a right tizzy... it's only 24 hours since you saw him Hmm

Give your head a wobble and chill! You've got a date on Thursday...

Justaboy · 03/02/2020 20:53

I've got a bright idea:)

Why not call him and stop faffing around?

There!!

Porkeypine · 03/02/2020 20:54

OP

I would be the same as you. I wouldn’t text him either. He knows the score and whilst women can text, I think it shows more about him if he doesn’t.

As you say, he knew how big a deal it was for you to do it with him so he should be making sure you’re feeling good. By not messaging you of course you feel shit.

Yes he could be busy, tired, working bla bla but a few texts under the circumstances wouldn’t hurt.

I would give him until this time tomorrow and if he’s not text you then I would fuck him off.

Let us know how you get on. I know it’s frowned upon for putting emojis on here but I don’t care 😘

Nancydrawn · 03/02/2020 20:56

OP, am I right that he actively made plans for you for this Thursday after you had had sex on Saturday?

And you've also 'spoken' (well, texted) already?

I think he's doing fine. He might not understand that you want reassurance after sex, but I don't think he's behaving like a lout--he's just not being extra attentive.

It's possible he's worried it will seem clingy or creepy. It's possible that there's other stuff going on and it's unconscious. Or it's possible that he thinks he's being the same as before and consciously doesn't want to make a fuss.

Porkeypine · 03/02/2020 20:57

PS when I met my DH he never made me question anything and I always felt special. He never played games like I’d had in the past etc... I think that’s how you know they’re a descent one.

MissConductUS · 03/02/2020 20:59

I don’t want to contact him. He knew sex was a big deal for me.

Perhaps he feels exactly the same way.

You're hurt by the lack of attention, so not only will you not acknowledge to him that you still feel connected post sex, you are thinking about binning the whole relationship.

You are punishing him with the same behavior that you feel so offended by. It's okay when you do it, and and LTB offense when he does it.

Madness.

mrbob · 03/02/2020 20:59

OP no one who has not recently been in the dating shark pond and dealt with something like this will understand. You are not being needy at all. He is being shit. I have met a number of men like this and I worry it basically gives them all this power and it is horrible. You have done nothing wrong. Some men ghost after sex. Sometimes it is after the first date, sometimes after weeks with no warning it is coming. The “don’t be so needy, why are you texting crowd” will try to imply you did something wrong but it isn’t you it is him. A lot of people seem very confused about relationships and think if you don’t have one exactly like theirs it must be wrong and also don’t understand that it is extremely obvious in a relationship where you text when things have changed. They would still change even if you only talked on the phone once a week it is just that you know immediately with text when something isn’t right. If it hasn’t happened to you then you cannot understand how disconcerting it is to have a nicely progressing relationship where you are being entirely normal and then someone just disappears

He might still text and everything might still turn out right but he has soured it a little now. I am sorry he has been like this and I hope it is all ok

oohyoudevilyou · 03/02/2020 21:00

@busybarbara
Why? This just perpetuates traditional gender roles. Next you’ll be saying only he is able to purpose or that she should stay at home with the children.

Really?? Nothing to do with the fact that the op (female) texted first yesterday, and quite reasonably would like to see him instigate contact today? Fail to see that expecting equal effort means she's perpetuating traditional gender roles, more that she expects a partner to be well mannered and thoughtful.