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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why do I feel like this after sex?

243 replies

HelloLollypop · 03/02/2020 16:11

I’ve been dating someone 2 months and on Friday night we did the deed. It was great.

Since then I’ve been obsessing over hearing from him and I don’t know what’s go into me!!!! (No pun intended Blush). I was pretty relaxed about things between us before this but now I am checking my phone all the time. We’d done lots of other stuff before this so sex wasn’t really all that different! Seen each other completely naked and been intimate before.

His messaging hasn’t change, sometimes he goes a day or so without being in contact, so there’s nothing actually different between us. But I am constantly thinking about when he will next be in touch and it’s driving me mad.

Any ideas why this is happening?! I don’t want to ruin something that could be good by being like this.

OP posts:
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 03/02/2020 19:49

I thought he was a really decent guy

And he isn't because he hasn't texted you since yesterday? Are men supposed to text every day without fail or this means they aren't decent?

NuovaMoi · 03/02/2020 19:49

If he knows it’s a big deal to you there is s chance he’s given you space and is currently seeing your silence as evidence that you’re freaking out/regretting it

Original poster
HelloLollypop · 03/02/2020 19:50

I thought he was someone special, yes. I’ve not had sex with anyone I’ve dated for a long long time. I really did like him. He’s never been a huge texter but I think to not contact me today is a bit shit.

OP posts:
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 03/02/2020 19:51

Just text him and then next time you're together explain you're insecure and it would make you feel better if he rang/texted every day. Mind you, be prepared for him to say no ,I would.

busybarbara · 03/02/2020 19:51

I don’t get why you are so willing to enter into some sort of victim role over nothing. Apparently he’s no longer “decent” because he hasn’t sent you a message, despite you not sending one either. This is far too much pointless drama for a non event in a new relationship.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 03/02/2020 19:52

He’s never been a huge texter but I think to not contact me today is a bit shit

Why would you expect him to suddenly become a big texter just because you're now having sex?

Oysterbabe · 03/02/2020 19:53

I can understand the anxiety because men do sometimes go cold once the thrill of the chase is over. But if his pattern of messaging you isn't really any different than before I wouldn't worry yet.

Original poster
HelloLollypop · 03/02/2020 19:55

I don’t expect him to suddenly become a big texter.

I want to feel secure about what we are doing and this has made me feel the opposite. A simple text asking how my day went would have been enough. He also knew I had a presentation today as work that I was worrying about. Just small things he’s clearly not arsed about.

OP posts:
Original poster
HelloLollypop · 03/02/2020 19:57

I’m going over things in my head and he said he had missed me when we met on Saturday. He was super keen to arrange the next date for this Thursday with me. I don’t get it.

OP posts:
CakeandCustard28 · 03/02/2020 19:57

Just text him? Bit old fashioned expecting him to make first contact.

Rainbowunicat · 03/02/2020 19:57

You haven't texted him. What if he feels shit about that?

Original poster
HelloLollypop · 03/02/2020 19:57

He seemed to enjoy the sex too so I don’t think it’s that.

OP posts:
Christmaspug · 03/02/2020 19:58

Perhaps something has happened in his life today and he is busy ,thinking about you ,but not able to text ,maybe he’s poorly

Christmaspug · 03/02/2020 19:59

Could he be worried you didn’t enjoy the sex ,and he’s worried you’ve not texted him

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 03/02/2020 20:00

What's stopping you texting him?

It's only 8pm.

Singlenotsingle · 03/02/2020 20:00

Maybe men think that it doesn't matter any more in this age of emancipation and equality. We wanted equality, and women and so much tougher these days - "she won't think it's important".

Original poster
HelloLollypop · 03/02/2020 20:01

I really don’t think he’s worrying about his performance based on how it was on Saturday night.

I don’t want to text as he knew sex mattered to me. If this is what he chooses to do only a day or two later then I would rather face that now, as shit as it feels.

OP posts:
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 03/02/2020 20:02

It wouldn't occur to my dh to text if I'd seen and spoken to him the day before.

bangheadhere40 · 03/02/2020 20:03

@hello I agree with you...don't text. It's quite cruel of him....

AnuvvaMuvva · 03/02/2020 20:04

We can only speculate; who knows what he's actually thinking or feeling.

It sounds like he might be trying to "reset" your expectations. If he shagged you on Saturday and then remembered/asked about your presentation today, he thinks that makes him into your boyfriend. And he's not ready to be your boyfriend yet so he's stepping back.

I'd switch my phone off, have a bath and go to bed.

Servalan · 03/02/2020 20:04

I’m confused - he has texted you since you DTD - just not today yet. So it’s not like no contact since sex and dropping you like a stone? And his texting pattern hasn’t changed?
I don’t get all this game playing people do over phoning/texting in relationships. You just end up stuck n your head, surely.
If his texting pattern were to become less frequent then I’d not be impressed however...

ittooshallpass · 03/02/2020 20:04

In the kindest way... you're massively over-thinking this.

From what you've said he's not a daily texter kind of person, so why should he suddenly start to be because you had sex?

Just chill. You've set a date for Thursday, just look forward to that.

If you're having this kind of reaction, maybe you're not ready for a sexual relationship yet?

Original poster
HelloLollypop · 03/02/2020 20:05

Well at the start he would go a day here and there without messaging. But then I would sometimes message him first too.

It’s been a while since a day has gone by with no message. And I don’t want to initiate this one.

OP posts:
Christmaspug · 03/02/2020 20:05

I don’t know ,I’m a really sensitive soul ,I made my dh wait till we were engaged after 6 months of dating ,back then ,we didn’t have a mobile phone ,early 1990s so I didn’t have this worry .
I think ,don’t worry just yet ,there’s still time for him to text

Helppls101 · 03/02/2020 20:06

This is crazy. You can text him. And you have no reason to assume anything bad since the next date is fixed. Like you say, you had done pretty much everything before and he probably doesn’t want to make it into a big deal - you are not kids! message him and make a plan for Thursday and chill out! He may be working late!