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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Possibly the OW

339 replies

soapandglory9x · 02/02/2020 21:32

Met on OLD and have been dating/together for nearly 11 months. I’m 29 and he’s 37.

Spend every other weekend together and he sometimes pops over during the week after work if not to tired or finished late. We live around 100 miles from each other. No kids on either side. I love him and think (?) he feels the same, has told me he does anyway, however I can’t shake this feeling that he may be married or have a partner and kids. Some points:;

⁃ He has no social media, only WhatsApp. I’ve tried searching his full name/nickname on Facebook/instagram to no avail.

  • He doesn’t have any kids at 37 (I know not unheard of but he was previously in a relationship for 9 years so seems strange to me?).
  • Although he has a good job and earns a decent salary he’s never lived by himself. Currently lives with a friend to save money but I’ve never been aloud in to visit because his friends girlfriend is one of these paranoid/jealous types apparently. I have picked him up from outside the property though when his car was in the garage.
  • He comes over every other weekend like clockwork but if I ask to change weekends (because I might of been invited out by friends etc) then he saids he can’t swap them but doesn’t give a reason why. I think this reason worries me the most. He’s not spontaneous at all with plans like most single people are (if that makes sense?).
  • He hardly messages during the evening anymore but did in the beginning. He might message me around 5:00pm when leaving work and then I won’t hear anything until the morning when he’s back in. I have brought this issue up before but he’s just used the excuse that he was at a friends house, spending time with family, playing football or fell asleep. Also never calls me but does send voice notes over WhatsApp when he’s home.

After 11 months I’ve still not been inside his home, he always comes here. I’ve met a couple of his friends on nights out but not met his family yet. He’s also sent me pictures/videos of his nieces/nephews with his sister/mum in the background, I did ask who they thought he was sending them to and he said he told them it was to me. Apparently he’s told them all about me. His WhatsApp picture is even of him and his niece. I have also asked him about his feeling towards kids to see if he’d ever want any in the future but he’s never really given a specific answer.

He’s very caring and thoughtful. Always makes me laugh and smile. He also takes me away to lovely places, hotels and for meals out. When he comes down on the weekends he stays from Friday until Sunday afternoon. He’s the perfect man in every sense. I know it might all be innocent but I just can’t shake this feeling. Am I right to be worried?

OP posts:
mcmooberry · 02/02/2020 21:40

Well the EOW does smack of shared custody of children of course. Plus the not getting invited into his house especially if you have driven 100 miles to get there!!!
Not sure what to suggest about it all, ask him??

Whynosnowyet · 02/02/2020 21:42

Enlist a friend to travel with you.. Stakeout his house.
Imo...

SEE123 · 02/02/2020 21:43

Sorry OP, it does seem like you are right to be suspicious.

How much do you know about other areas of his life; have you been introduced to friends or family? How about the "friend" he lives with? Do you know where he works? If it seems like he is trying to keep you at a distance from the mundane everyday parts of life you may well be on to something.

After 11 months I would expect some level of cross over between his life before he met you, and your life together.

Thanks sorry!

SEE123 · 02/02/2020 21:47

Sorry, I see you mention some friends. Perhaps suggest finally meeting his family? See how that goes down.

Justyouraveragehuman · 02/02/2020 21:48

This does seem very strange OP and if I’m totally honest, it doesn’t sound too great.

The most worrying thing for me would be that he messages you when he leaves work but then won’t message again until the next morning when he is at work! In this day and age that is very unheard of. I hope his reasons are genuine but please be careful x

category12 · 02/02/2020 21:48

She definitely his niece?

EssentialHummus · 02/02/2020 21:49

What does he say he is doing on his other weekends? Doesn't sound good OP, I'm sorry.

Mixitupalot · 02/02/2020 21:52

Have you tried searching any of his friends/family on social media? I’d be very suspicious of him from what you have said. After 11 months I’d have assumed I’d be introduced the parent, say at Christmas past?

Elieza · 02/02/2020 21:52

Do you know his surname and address? Go on 192.com and it will tell you if he and any other adults are listed at that address. It may charge you to find out though.

To view the full free electoral role go to the local library for his area and ask to view it for whatever the area within the town it is.
If you don’t know what the area is called just ask for the street.
They are listed alphabetically. It’s your right to view it. They can’t withhold it. It’s free to view.
It will tell you what adults are recorded at the address.

That should solve your problems as you will find out who all lives there.

Qwerty543 · 02/02/2020 21:53

I was thinking that about his 'niece'. Do men usually have WhatsApp pictures of them with a random family child rather than their own child. The rigid routine would make me very suspicious. Easy to explain that away to a wife as working patterns.

I'd go and watch his house too.

Doyoumind · 02/02/2020 21:55

I don't think he's married if he can disappear every other weekend but he could certainly have an arrangement where he's seeing his children.

toomanyleggings · 02/02/2020 21:55

You could have weeded him out much earlier. At 6 months you should have been brought into his world. He should have introduced you to family. At his age and after 11 months he either wants to marry you or he doesn't. I'd start being unavailable on the weekends he wants and if that means not seeing him for a month so be it. Over a year of dating I'd then stop contact completely until he turns up on the door step with a ring. If he doesn't he's either married or just not in love with you

SandyY2K · 02/02/2020 21:57

his friends girlfriend is one of these paranoid/jealous types apparently

This is the biggest load of bullshit.

His friend's GF is jealous....sounds totally ridiculous.

You're right to be suspicious.

OhWellThatsJustGreat · 02/02/2020 22:00

It does seem very suspect, but he could also have a very plausible reason for these oddities. Talk to him about it.

RogueV · 02/02/2020 22:00

Maybe separated but sounds like he’s got kids

EmmiJay · 02/02/2020 22:00

Tuh. Sounds like my ex ☻ and he was married with three kids by two different women. Shameless hussy that he was.

JKScot4 · 02/02/2020 22:02

Agree with SandyY2K, who is jealous of their bfs flatmates gf? Seriously you fell for that?
He’s married.

Itwasntme1 · 02/02/2020 22:02

Really sounds like he lives with a wife or girlfriend.

The every other weekend thing is strange - does he claim he works when he is with you?

Have you met his family, have you been on holiday together, have you been to his work etc.

If it’s jus you and him in a little bubble then it sounds like he has a whole other life he is hiding.

DearHappy · 02/02/2020 22:03

What’s the friend’s girlfriend supposedly jealous of? (Yeah right.)

No one has a WhatsApp photo of their niece.

beckywiththeshithair20 · 02/02/2020 22:04

Yeah this would be ringing alarm bells for me too, sorry.

After this length of time I would expect to have visited his home and met his family. The rigidness of weekend visits is off too. I think you either have two choices - ask him outright and gauge his reaction. Or do some detective work/travelling with a friend and find out for yourself. Either way I don't think you're wrong to be suspicious.

BlingLoving · 02/02/2020 22:06

Definitely odd. And he doesn't seem to be interested in moving relationship along, which is also weird. Sorry OP.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 02/02/2020 22:08

The lack of social media presence in itself wouldnt worry me. Dh doesn't do any social media apart from WhatsApp. However I think he probably has children who stay with him EOW. If you went inside the house you would see evidence of that eg their bedroom/s.

I would ask.him.outright.

LouReidDododo · 02/02/2020 22:12

His name isn’t James is it?

The Niece is his daughter I’d put money on it.

I met a guy in online dating. Even went to his house. Seen him every over weekend as he worked away. Met his dad and his step mum. Wouldn’t call at night although he used to. Wouldnt pick up if I randomly called him.

Called me mental when I started challenging him on stuff.

He was married with three kids and rented a house that he could basically shag women in whilst he told his wife he was in ‘London’ working.

You KNOW this isn’t right.

My bil was married for 20 years with three kids and had multiple accounts on OLD - in his fathers name. He is STILL at it.

AvocadoOwl · 02/02/2020 22:13

Doesn't sound good OP Thanks

FizzyPink · 02/02/2020 22:15

What does he say he’s doing on the weekends he doesn’t see you? Do you have contact at all?

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