Possibly the OW

[soapandglory9x]

Met on OLD and have been dating/together for nearly 11 months. I’m 29 and he’s 37.

Spend every other weekend together and he sometimes pops over during the week after work if not to tired or finished late. We live around 100 miles from each other. No kids on either side. I love him and think (?) he feels the same, has told me he does anyway, however I can’t shake this feeling that he may be married or have a partner and kids. Some points:;

⁃ He has no social media, only WhatsApp. I’ve tried searching his full name/nickname on Facebook/instagram to no avail.

• He doesn’t have any kids at 37 (I know not unheard of but he was previously in a relationship for 9 years so seems strange to me?).

• Although he has a good job and earns a decent salary he’s never lived by himself. Currently lives with a friend to save money but I’ve never been aloud in to visit because his friends girlfriend is one of these paranoid/jealous types apparently. I have picked him up from outside the property though when his car was in the garage.

• He comes over every other weekend like clockwork but if I ask to change weekends (because I might of been invited out by friends etc) then he saids he can’t swap them but doesn’t give a reason why. I think this reason worries me the most. He’s not spontaneous at all with plans like most single people are (if that makes sense?).

• He hardly messages during the evening anymore but did in the beginning. He might message me around 5:00pm when leaving work and then I won’t hear anything until the morning when he’s back in. I have brought this issue up before but he’s just used the excuse that he was at a friends house, spending time with family, playing football or fell asleep. Also never calls me but does send voice notes over WhatsApp when he’s home.

After 11 months I’ve still not been inside his home, he always comes here. I’ve met a couple of his friends on nights out but not met his family yet. He’s also sent me pictures/videos of his nieces/nephews with his sister/mum in the background, I did ask who they thought he was sending them to and he said he told them it was to me. Apparently he’s told them all about me. His WhatsApp picture is even of him and his niece. I have also asked him about his feeling towards kids to see if he’d ever want any in the future but he’s never really given a specific answer.

He’s very caring and thoughtful. Always makes me laugh and smile. He also takes me away to lovely places, hotels and for meals out. When he comes down on the weekends he stays from Friday until Sunday afternoon. He’s the perfect man in every sense. I know it might all be innocent but I just can’t shake this feeling. Am I right to be worried?

The formidable Mrs C That is truly terrible behaviour from your so called "friends!" ! I feel for you .Sometimes women who are a bit weak will be told to engage in covering up for their DH BF .It is totally wrong and unfair IMO .How would they like it ! I think you are better off without him he sounds a total dickhead TBH!

OP - I would try and get some hard facts before you approach him on this situation. Without nothing he will just talk it down, you need some proof. This may sound totally weird but I am a master pro at figuring stuff out etc (partly from my job and part of me being just a top stalker haha!)

If you want an anonymous person to check things like linkedin and other places you are more than welcome to PM me with some details and I can do some digging for you.

Get your proof BEFORE you act on anything.

My DFriend was told by her now DH the night before the wedding that he had a DC so isn't unheard of to behave like this op. and she married him anyway? Bloody hell. Some people really do have shockingly low standards. Wonder what else he’s still not told her.....

OP, the only reason why I would play detective at this point would be to satisfy my curiosity. But i would end the relationship first. I wouldn’t be playing games or making suggestions, regardless of what the score is, he clearly isn’t interested in a long-term meaningful relationship. And even if there’s nothing to all this, the trust doesn’t exist. If you don’t have trust, you don’t have a relationship.

if a man told me on the night before the wedding that he had a child I would have called off the wedding. I have a friend whose sister found this out about her h on the actual wedding day, not only that, but he was divorced and she knew nothing about any of it. She married him anyway and turns out that leopards don’t change their spots.

I think he lives with his parents or sibling while he "works" on his marriage. He has his kids every other weekend and has given you a middle name as his name

OP, what happens if you phone him in the evenings?

The biggest red flag is the mate’s gf being jealous. Wtaf?!
Of what exactly? Of a friend having a gf?
It sounds like he doesn’t live there and just drives round there to pretend he lives there.

Do you know what though, I’d ditch him anyway. Not even bother investigating. Like someone said above when people compartmentalise their lives, it’s for a reason.

Do not underestimate the ability of a cheater to lie. They are fantastic at it and you’d never know from talking to them. Just asking him for an honest conversation will get you nowhere re the truth. There’s nothing to stop him giving you an engagement ring and having a “long engagement” so that he can continue to use you for sex weekend holidays whilst still keeping the rest of his life as it is.

Having been cheated on, I know that there is no point in asking for the truth. Either ditch him or do some digging privately.

Have a look on Ancestry or similar to see if a marriage comes up in his name.

You are 29. Do you want to waste any more time on someone who is clearly lying?

EOW that he can't change = he has a child or children that he sees.

That's without getting into the flat, the friends, the social media, the totally invisible on the web stuff.

Hmm yeah all sounds really fishy OP.

Being generous I'd say he might just be hiding some kids from you - not that that's OK! - but the fact that you can't get hold of him outside of working hours implies that it might be more than that.

Sounds to me like potentially he has managed to convince someone his job means he's away Friday-Monday EOW and that's when he comes to stay with you.

Not sure what you can do to find out the truth though, beyond turning up on his doorstep.

If you ever get to pick him up again get out of the car as soon as you pull up and say that you’re dying for the loo and need to pop inside to go to the loo right now.

He would find it really difficult to explain why he’s not letting you into his flat just for that - jealous bf gf or not, who would deny their supposed loving gf a chance to pop to the loo before a long journey...

Unless his friend’s GF is in the house 24/7, how would she even know you’d been there? That’s probably the most suspicious thing about this because why would his friend’s GF be jealous of him having a girlfriend anyway? It’s just weird. That and not texting in the evenings, alarm bells would be ringing. I would say he has a child EOW which would make total sense but why the secrecy? I also don’t see why this would stop him messaging or calling you in the evenings. The photos from inside his flat could well be someone else’s flat for all you know.

You can reverse search images on google so I’d start off by doing that with some of the photos he has sent you. He may have given you a false name, it’s not unheard of.

He comes over every other weekend like clockwork but if I ask to change weekends (because I might of been invited out by friends etc) then he saids he can’t swap them but doesn’t give a reason why.

But OP youve been together for quite a long time now.

I don't understand why if he gives no reasons ever you don't say to him "what are you up to then?"

And if he can't ever give an answer you either challenge him on it and / or break up because it's unreasonable for him not to be able to have a perfectly normal adult conversation?

He's obviously not behaving in a reasonable or normal way.

Tbh it doesn't even matter why (married / kids / just doesn't like you enough though it's obvious he's massively lying and sounds like he's in another relationship) he's behaving this way - why are you happy to continue a relationship that is so obviously not honest or healthy?

You know what, I don't think I could even be bothered to play detective in this scenario.

There is no happy ending here regardless of what he's up to so it seems pointless going to the effort of getting to the bottom of it. Once he catches wind that you are onto him he'll only juggle things round to show you enough glimpses of his 'other life' to keep you sweet and the whole thing will drag out longer. The end result will always be the same.

Dont you ask??? You've been together nearly a year. ..haven't you challenged him on any of this weird behaviour?

Hes lying OP. Never mind one red flag you've got a whole load of them here....

Ask him. Or play detective.

Call him at night.....what does he do?

How about just turning up at his house ? Pretend you lost your phone . You're his gf, you have every right to do that.

Fucksake just dump him. There is no rational explanation.

I think you ARE right to be worried, op, but I really couldn't guess what the true situation is.

While I agree that EOW suggests shared care of child/ren, sending photos/videos with the mum in the background does not. Isn't it unusual for dad to JOIN mum for contact?

Something just isn't adding up, and if you don't feel secure in this, something has to give.

Whatever the case he is not treating you very well and seems to be calling all the shots. Also the relationship is not progressing and if you want kids you want to be with someone who is also moving in that direction. I think he is lying to you and has another relationship on the go at the very least. If you are dead keen to keep him you need to find out the truth - I would either follow him or spend some money on an investigator.

I agree with avocadoowl, no point in doing investigating, as it's going to end one way or the other. You will never be able to fully trust him anyway.

I'm sorry to say it but men on OLD are more and more frequently leading double lives, cheating and using women. I don't recommend it, definitely where long distance relationships are concerned. It's too easy for them to have their cake and eat it. I've experienced it first hand

Come on. 100% he has an alternative life of some sort. The relationship sounds miserable anyway. As a minimum check his wallet/cards/phone when he next stays as he sleeps. You could stake his ‘flat’. No point asking him as he is a professional liar. Or preferably just ditch and move on to find a normal relationship...

Call his work and ask to speak to him? If the receptionist says "there's no one by that name here" then that will give you an idea of what is going on.

This situation does sound very strange but I have got to say, I am on absolutely no social media, I'm just not interested, does that make me dodgy? Does it hell. You'd find me on electoral roll though.

While I agree that EOW suggests shared care of child/ren, sending photos/videos with the mum in the background does not. Isn't it unusual for dad to JOIN mum for contact?

I don't think EOW in this scenario suggests shared care or kids following a break-up.

To me, EOW combined with the lack of contact during weekday evenings suggests that this man has a resident wife and kids and has spun them a story about being away with work (or something) EOW, and that's why he can only give OP that time.

If he genuinely had secret children that he had shared care of then he could still be in contact with OP via text. It's only a partner he wouldn't be able to do that with.

@gottastopeatingchocolate it was his mom in the background wasn't it? Not just A mom.

Or even if not kids, then a wife/partner at least.

It is a bit odd that he has no social media but had an OLD profile.