Possibly the OW

[soapandglory9x]

Met on OLD and have been dating/together for nearly 11 months. I’m 29 and he’s 37.

Spend every other weekend together and he sometimes pops over during the week after work if not to tired or finished late. We live around 100 miles from each other. No kids on either side. I love him and think (?) he feels the same, has told me he does anyway, however I can’t shake this feeling that he may be married or have a partner and kids. Some points:;

⁃ He has no social media, only WhatsApp. I’ve tried searching his full name/nickname on Facebook/instagram to no avail.

• He doesn’t have any kids at 37 (I know not unheard of but he was previously in a relationship for 9 years so seems strange to me?).

• Although he has a good job and earns a decent salary he’s never lived by himself. Currently lives with a friend to save money but I’ve never been aloud in to visit because his friends girlfriend is one of these paranoid/jealous types apparently. I have picked him up from outside the property though when his car was in the garage.

• He comes over every other weekend like clockwork but if I ask to change weekends (because I might of been invited out by friends etc) then he saids he can’t swap them but doesn’t give a reason why. I think this reason worries me the most. He’s not spontaneous at all with plans like most single people are (if that makes sense?).

• He hardly messages during the evening anymore but did in the beginning. He might message me around 5:00pm when leaving work and then I won’t hear anything until the morning when he’s back in. I have brought this issue up before but he’s just used the excuse that he was at a friends house, spending time with family, playing football or fell asleep. Also never calls me but does send voice notes over WhatsApp when he’s home.

After 11 months I’ve still not been inside his home, he always comes here. I’ve met a couple of his friends on nights out but not met his family yet. He’s also sent me pictures/videos of his nieces/nephews with his sister/mum in the background, I did ask who they thought he was sending them to and he said he told them it was to me. Apparently he’s told them all about me. His WhatsApp picture is even of him and his niece. I have also asked him about his feeling towards kids to see if he’d ever want any in the future but he’s never really given a specific answer.

He’s very caring and thoughtful. Always makes me laugh and smile. He also takes me away to lovely places, hotels and for meals out. When he comes down on the weekends he stays from Friday until Sunday afternoon. He’s the perfect man in every sense. I know it might all be innocent but I just can’t shake this feeling. Am I right to be worried?

Can you look him up on the electoral roll? That would be my first port of call.

Can you tell him your amazon has gone down and can he order something off his for you? It would have his name on then or borrow money and ask to PayPal it back over doesnt it come up with it then too?

Does sound a bit sus, but it could be legit. My dh has no social media and only started using WhatsApp last year and he's in his 50s.

Surely when you met the friends they would have said if he's married with kids or has kids ? Although I find it a weird to deny you have kids.

Open another fb account, all you need is a fake email and see if you can find him that way, you could be blocked under your own name. Search his friend's photos and see who has liked them , click the names and see if he's in any of their photos.

I hope it's all legit. I wouldn't confront him as you'll look like you don't trust him and if he's being honest he may not thank you. I'd start with texting or phoning in the evening. Then I'd push for meet ups with family and friends. You could say you are organising a get together like a meal or drinks and ask him to invite his sister who has the kid in his photo. You can always say it's time now to meet family etc

Good luck

I wouldn't let this go on any longer, there's a good chance you're OW and now you suspect it you need to find out.

I would definitely have a look in his wallet for a bank card to check his name, although surely if you've been out to dinner his bank card has been on the table at some point.

Send a friend to knock on his door when he's at home and see who answers, take an envelope and ask for an obscurely named person with a similar address. I've done this for a friend, anyone who's been cheated on will help.

But 192 credits and search the name on his bank card and the address he's given.

If finances allow, scrap all the above and pay for a few hours of a professionals time, I regret not doing this with my ex would have saved a lot of time, heartache and probably legal fees.

The fact he doesn't want to spend every weekend with you in your first year of dating makes him a next regardless of all the rest of it. Men in love want to see you every weekend

When my friend was in a similar situation she discussed the situation with her boyfriend, outlining all the things she thought were going on, but presented it as a story she had seen on Jeremy Kyle - I know that’s not on anymore, but there must be a similar programme? In my friend’s case she could tell that she was on the right lines because of his reaction. He became very defensive and tried to make excuses for the man in her story. He also got very flustered. She changed the subject but text him later that evening and asked him if she was right. She was.

Have you looked up his company - companies often have bios about people on their websites

Get a friend to search for him on fb, Instagram, LinkedIn etc. He could have you blocked on everything

You picked him up outside the house whilst his car was in the garage, so you saw no proof of him being there and his car was conveniently not there - this waves a big flag, probably a mates house.

Don't assume just because you've met a few friends and work colleagues that they wouldn't know you're the ow, or that he wouldn't be brazen enough to front you out.

I dated a fella for nearly 8 years who apparently had no kids - turned out he had a daughter. I never met any close relations, just the odd work mate and friend. I consider myself to be fairly intelligent but because I was so laid back he made a complete fool out of me

I'd definitely think the girl in the photo is his daughter not niece and that he has her every other weekend but I don't understand why not just be honest about that from the start unless there is something else he wants to hide. Very strange that you can't find him, or any of his friends anywhere on social media

In your very first post the fact that he ‘sometimes pops over after work’ struck me as very suspicious. Suggesting it’s not planned in advance? Just when he can take the opportunity.
Agree with @Whereisthelaughter you need to find his real name first. Does he use his card in restaurants etc?
Or save yourself a load of hassle by telling him this isn’t working for you unless you can be more a part of his life.

@GrannyBags idea is good! Tell him you saw a post on reddit/Facebook group (not MN though or he might find it!) or an episode of judge Rinder/Judy a friend told you about a friend or something.

Face recognition on the pic of the niece. Very easy to do!! And of him also.

Why bother with all the detective work outlined on here? The reasons he's given you are crazy. I'd just say either things change immediately and he starts letting you in his house and gives a proper reason for the every other weekend think or it's over.

If you distrust him enough to need to start with detective work the relationship should already be over.

If he waffles on about how you should trust him, you've got to earn trust and he's done nothing to accomplish this!

Can you put his picture on Google and do an image search ,?

It seems weird that it's every other weekend and not just weekends where he doesn't have plans.

Text him, say you're in the area later and you're popping in for tea as you'd like to meet his flat mate and girlfriend.

If you dont wanna asknto see his bank card, wait till he gets it out to pay for something at a shop etc and have a look then?

Ask him. No need for all this Miss Marple stuff. Tell him you're concerned that he may be married or in a relationship with someone else, because after so many months together, you are only a part-time girlfriend and you want more commitment. He'll either run a mile or confess he still lives with his mum.

I hope you get to the bottom of this op.

I was in a relationship where the guy had photos of his niece and nephew. I wouldn’t bother so much about that. I also visited his house regularly and there were no signs of another woman living there.
But.... he kept me at arms length. He regularly (said he) went away at weekends, he played football, he travelled with work, I never met his family.

He was dating another woman. He had a child with her while still ‘seeing’ me. I didn’t have a clue.

I was heartbroken.

People who ‘compartmentalise’ their lives do so for a reason.

Why haven't you just knocked on the flat door unannounced? I would have done that ages ago.

This is all really weird and I’m concerned for your safety.

Have you tried paying ~£7 to look up the flat/house on land registry and see if the name against the flat matches his friend’s name (or it could be that he owns the flat).

Also agree to try and reverse image search any/every photo he’s sent you.

Can you check his wallet for ID when he’s in the shower or something?

I agree with others that you should just ask him. Tell him this rigid every other weekend/ no flexibility/ not meeting his family or extended friends/ not being allowed in his house thing is weird and you're not comfortable with it based on where your relationship is at currently.

You don't need to get all detective-like on him. You just need to make it clear that the relationship needs to move forward. If he's actually married and/or hiding things from you, he won't be able to do that.

The friend/flatmate's jealous girlfriend thing is the strangest to me - unless maybe the friend owns the flat and lets your boyfriend live there rent-free, so he doesn't want to rock the boat. But that too would be a little unusual if it's been going on for months (rather than a short-term stopgap), since you know he's working and earning a good income. The objecting to changing weekends part MAY not be weird, if he is a serious planner and can't handle last-minute changes - but why not just tell you what he already has planned if it's just innocent social, family, work, or travel stuff?

How is he about holidays and special occasions - did he spend Christmas and/or New Years' with you? How about his birthday? If his birthday's coming up, could you say you want to arrange a dinner or drinks kind of event and invite some of his family and friends?

If you want to play detective - if he has a university degree, you may be able to verify that (knowing the uni and the approximate year).

I think that something is definitely "off" here and so do you ! What man never takes his GF back to his flat FFS? Also nearly a year and not met his family WTAF! I think you need to do some detective work with a chum maybe ? The little girl is almost certainly his and there is his "EOW" spent looking after her .Standard Divorced Dad isnt it !

You can't have a relationship with someone for nearly a year and never visit their house for dinner etc or meet anyone who knows them. For one, he is taking the piss if he thinks you would be ok with this.

It could be that he really likes you and did intend to tell you he had a DC but didn't want you to be put off initially but hasn't found the the right time to tell you and now it's too late to back track?

My DFriend was told by her now DH the night before the wedding that he had a DC so isn't unheard of to behave like this op.