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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Possibly the OW

339 replies

soapandglory9x · 02/02/2020 21:32

Met on OLD and have been dating/together for nearly 11 months. I’m 29 and he’s 37.

Spend every other weekend together and he sometimes pops over during the week after work if not to tired or finished late. We live around 100 miles from each other. No kids on either side. I love him and think (?) he feels the same, has told me he does anyway, however I can’t shake this feeling that he may be married or have a partner and kids. Some points:;

⁃ He has no social media, only WhatsApp. I’ve tried searching his full name/nickname on Facebook/instagram to no avail.

  • He doesn’t have any kids at 37 (I know not unheard of but he was previously in a relationship for 9 years so seems strange to me?).
  • Although he has a good job and earns a decent salary he’s never lived by himself. Currently lives with a friend to save money but I’ve never been aloud in to visit because his friends girlfriend is one of these paranoid/jealous types apparently. I have picked him up from outside the property though when his car was in the garage.
  • He comes over every other weekend like clockwork but if I ask to change weekends (because I might of been invited out by friends etc) then he saids he can’t swap them but doesn’t give a reason why. I think this reason worries me the most. He’s not spontaneous at all with plans like most single people are (if that makes sense?).
  • He hardly messages during the evening anymore but did in the beginning. He might message me around 5:00pm when leaving work and then I won’t hear anything until the morning when he’s back in. I have brought this issue up before but he’s just used the excuse that he was at a friends house, spending time with family, playing football or fell asleep. Also never calls me but does send voice notes over WhatsApp when he’s home.

After 11 months I’ve still not been inside his home, he always comes here. I’ve met a couple of his friends on nights out but not met his family yet. He’s also sent me pictures/videos of his nieces/nephews with his sister/mum in the background, I did ask who they thought he was sending them to and he said he told them it was to me. Apparently he’s told them all about me. His WhatsApp picture is even of him and his niece. I have also asked him about his feeling towards kids to see if he’d ever want any in the future but he’s never really given a specific answer.

He’s very caring and thoughtful. Always makes me laugh and smile. He also takes me away to lovely places, hotels and for meals out. When he comes down on the weekends he stays from Friday until Sunday afternoon. He’s the perfect man in every sense. I know it might all be innocent but I just can’t shake this feeling. Am I right to be worried?

OP posts:
Epona1 · 02/02/2020 22:15

EOW yells access to children. Are you sure the child pictured is really his niece?

I think you’re being deceived. Big red old flags waving.

Trust your gut, you know things aren’t right.

UnaCorda · 02/02/2020 22:16

You've never been allowed into his house, even when you went to pick him up? Sorry, but something's definitely not right there.

notthisshitagain · 02/02/2020 22:17

No one has a WhatsApp photo of their niece

Yes they do Hmm

soapandglory9x · 02/02/2020 22:17

Glad I'm not the only one who finds it all a bit weird. To answer some of your questions,

On the weekends when he's not here with me, he saids he's either spending time with his friends, going to a footy match or sometimes goes away on city breaks (went to Budapest two weeks ago). He also spends a lot of time with his family.

He's sent me pictures from inside the flat that he supposedly shares with his friend and I have seen pictures on the wall of his friend and girlfriend. It's not that I fell for the paranoid/jealous gf excuse, but I do find it hard to believe that two couples would be sharing a two bed flat (although looking back now I guess it could be a possibility?).

I did say to him once in a jokey way "are you sure your not hiding a wife and three kids in that flat" and he just laughed and said "of course not".
Like some of the posters on this thread my sister also seems to think that the child (niece) in his WhatsApp picture is in-fact his daughter. Would he really take pictures of his daughter in front of as his family, send them to me and then pass her off his niece though? Maybe I'm naive but I just find it so hard to believe that someone would do something like that.

I've met his friends a couple of times and obviously there was no mention of a wife and kids. I've also been to his work a couple of times when I've been in the area for work myself. He's given me a kiss and cuddle in front of colleagues outside of the building before. I know I need to have a serious chat with him about all of my worries but I'm just so fearful of ruining what we have if he is actually telling the truth.

OP posts:
jessycake · 02/02/2020 22:17

I think warning bells are ringing loudly , even if there is no one else it is pretty odd behaviour. Why couldn't you see him at his mums or brothers or sisters house if not at the friends . Who has a friend with a girlfriend that controls who other people see or comes to the house . Have you looked for his friends you have met on social media ?

Noshowlomo · 02/02/2020 22:17

I’d definitely doing some detective work! Something isn’t right and I don’t think his photo is his niece.

MadeForThis · 02/02/2020 22:18

Would a google image search work on some of the photos he has sent you?

Facebook stalking is your only hope. Friends and family. Someone will have a profile you can check.

I would ask why his friend's girlfriends feelings are more important than yours.

JKScot4 · 02/02/2020 22:20

Do you know where he works?How were his friends with you? If he’s that close to his ‘niece’ why haven’t you met her? Are you sure that’s his real name? What reason does he give for his rigid weekends?
11 months and you’ve not asked any of this 🙄

soapandglory9x · 02/02/2020 22:21

Have also tried the electoral role (as a pp suggested) but nothing flagged up. I just assumed it was because he hadn't registered to vote though.

OP posts:
notthisshitagain · 02/02/2020 22:21

I would ask why his friend's girlfriends feelings are more important than yours.

Definitely. Who made her Queen Bee?

nameymcnamechangeagain · 02/02/2020 22:21

I’m amazed you have let this go on for so long, but then again I’m an all or nothing type!! I’d have to stake out the house, wouldn’t be able to help myself! You must know the full name of at least one person that he knows? Find them on fb and dig, dig, dig! But then again I can be like the CIA when it comes to these things!!!!

JKScot4 · 02/02/2020 22:25

@nameymcnamechangeagain
Me too, get digging, I’d put money on it’s not his real name.
Get a friend onside and use a different car and go to his place on his unavailable weekend and get watching 👀👀

LouReidDododo · 02/02/2020 22:26

He could have just been visiting his friends flat when you picked him up and taken the pics whilst there.

He could have told his work he has split up with his wife

I’ve been with bil when he has been with a lovely woman who he regularly stayed with knowing that he had been on dates with other OL women.

Some people have real brass necks and others cover for them because they don’t know what the fuck to say.

I was told I was being paranoid by friends when I talked about my issue but I knew something was off.

There is no reason not to be upfront about having kids. I think he is actually with someone and your the other woman.

UnaCorda · 02/02/2020 22:26

He's sent me pictures from inside the flat that he supposedly shares with his friend

Why does he need to send you pictures when he could invite you round? (Assuming the friend's girlfriend excuse is bullshit.)

I dated someone who did things like this, and never introduced me to anyone in his family or social circle. I'm pretty sure he wasn't married, but he was concealing and lying about all sorts of shit.

lifeisgoodmostofthetime · 02/02/2020 22:29

Does he actually live at that flat or is it more like a pick up point for him and he pretends to live there by coming out to meet you? Sounds a bit suspicious to me to make you wait outside after so long.

Why would the gf have any issues of jealousy?

Something isn't right and your gut is telling you. Listen to it

category12 · 02/02/2020 22:29

Would he really take pictures of his daughter in front of as his family, send them to me and then pass her off his niece though?

What? He'd just be taking family photos and they'd think nothing of it. They don't know who he sends it to. He'd tell you it's his niece to avoid awkward questions.

Namechangerejsjs1239 · 02/02/2020 22:29

Hmm isn’t he on LinkedIn? I’d work backwards so start with his company as you know he works there as you have been. Then see if you can find his picture on people who do work theres contacts.

Chances are if he is leading a different life you don’t have his correct name!

ThatsWotSheSaid · 02/02/2020 22:36

Had a similar situation years ago. I would tell myself ‘if he had a girlfriend he wouldn’t do x, y or z’ I didn't factor in what a shameless twat he was.

I think you are well within your rights to have a serious cards on the table chat about everything. You’re not allow in his house because his flat mates girlfriend is paranoid?? That is 100% complete BS.

vegvegveg · 02/02/2020 22:38

Sounds dodgy AF to me OP

livelovelaugh30 · 02/02/2020 22:38

just an idea, and playing a bit detective, but there's a free app called 'ImageSearch'. A bit like catfish, it searches the web for the picture. Take a photo he's sent you, or maybe even his WhatsApp photo, and upload it onto the app. It may generate a social media profile and give you the answer to whether there is more to the story then he's telling you.

I'm really sorry OP but it does sound suspicious Thanks

FlaskMaster · 02/02/2020 22:39

He may have blocked you on social media, or be using a different name, or he's given you the wrong name or spelling. The "niece" is definitely not his niece, that's his kid. If it really was his niece/sister and they know all about you, he'll have no problem introducing you will he? And yet here you are at 11 months...

soapandglory9x · 02/02/2020 22:39

I have no idea how to use LinkedIn @Namechangerejsjs1239Blush

Unfortunately I don't know any of his work colleagues as I only met them once briefly. He also works for quite a large company (think worldwide based) so it would be pretty hard to suss him out on social media through that.

His name isn't James @LouReidDododo ... sorry to hear about your experience though that sounds awful Flowers

OP posts:
PrimeYesterday · 02/02/2020 22:46

Just be wary of LinkedIn - the other person gets a notification of who has viewed their profile...so basically don’t use your own name if you don’t want him to know you snooped 😏

category12 · 02/02/2020 22:48

It's pretty normal to look up your boyfriend, I don't think there's "snooping" about it.

Stephminx · 02/02/2020 22:50

How do you know the internal shots of the flat are of the place he is actually living ? I could go to my mates house, take pictures and claim they were taken at my house if you’d never been inside.

It all sounds very fishy indeed.

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