Possibly the OW

[soapandglory9x]

Met on OLD and have been dating/together for nearly 11 months. I’m 29 and he’s 37.

Spend every other weekend together and he sometimes pops over during the week after work if not to tired or finished late. We live around 100 miles from each other. No kids on either side. I love him and think (?) he feels the same, has told me he does anyway, however I can’t shake this feeling that he may be married or have a partner and kids. Some points:;

⁃ He has no social media, only WhatsApp. I’ve tried searching his full name/nickname on Facebook/instagram to no avail.

• He doesn’t have any kids at 37 (I know not unheard of but he was previously in a relationship for 9 years so seems strange to me?).

• Although he has a good job and earns a decent salary he’s never lived by himself. Currently lives with a friend to save money but I’ve never been aloud in to visit because his friends girlfriend is one of these paranoid/jealous types apparently. I have picked him up from outside the property though when his car was in the garage.

• He comes over every other weekend like clockwork but if I ask to change weekends (because I might of been invited out by friends etc) then he saids he can’t swap them but doesn’t give a reason why. I think this reason worries me the most. He’s not spontaneous at all with plans like most single people are (if that makes sense?).

• He hardly messages during the evening anymore but did in the beginning. He might message me around 5:00pm when leaving work and then I won’t hear anything until the morning when he’s back in. I have brought this issue up before but he’s just used the excuse that he was at a friends house, spending time with family, playing football or fell asleep. Also never calls me but does send voice notes over WhatsApp when he’s home.

After 11 months I’ve still not been inside his home, he always comes here. I’ve met a couple of his friends on nights out but not met his family yet. He’s also sent me pictures/videos of his nieces/nephews with his sister/mum in the background, I did ask who they thought he was sending them to and he said he told them it was to me. Apparently he’s told them all about me. His WhatsApp picture is even of him and his niece. I have also asked him about his feeling towards kids to see if he’d ever want any in the future but he’s never really given a specific answer.

He’s very caring and thoughtful. Always makes me laugh and smile. He also takes me away to lovely places, hotels and for meals out. When he comes down on the weekends he stays from Friday until Sunday afternoon. He’s the perfect man in every sense. I know it might all be innocent but I just can’t shake this feeling. Am I right to be worried?

She is in denial because everything in her OP taken together (not individually) has been suggesting for months that she is in love with one of our husbands and I imagine she doesn't want to face this because she would rather go on being the OW than ending this relationship.

OP you haven't done anything wrong up to now, but if you have sex with this man again after reading all of these sensible red flag reality checks, and you find out he was married to one of us all along, you will become just as cruel as him. Please do not become the OW because you don't want to be alone. You deserve a better man than this!

As an aside, my partner once worked with a man who was so scared to retire. He was in his late 60s and had been living a double life for his most of his adulthood, telling both families he was away with work. He didn't know which family he was going to retire with! Some people are so sick and can lie ever so well.

What a load of rubbish @Friendsofmine

You can't blame the OP for wanting to get some solid evidence before she decides what to do. And she would not be 'just as cruel as him', she would be a victim of his lies. Way to make a woman feel worse eh?

I think he's in a relationship and his partner has the kids every other weekend so he makes himself scarce. The "niece" is probably a stepdaughter.

You can't go in the flat, because he lives with her.

The voice notes let him control the conversation to only happen when he won't get caught. Like on his drive home, or when he's off sick.

If you know his housemate's name, see if you can find their social media. I bet he's in the background if they live together.

And if all of this is wrong and speculative, you have been dating a man for almost a year but haven't met his family or friends, haven't been in his house, and barely speak to him. I'm not sure what you have to lose.

Interesting points @Friendsofmine but honestly I just don’t get that vibe at all, for me I just see a woman who suspects something isn’t all that right and wants to get to the bottom of things before any decisions are made. I must say I would do the same if just for the closure it would bring, I wouldn’t however stay in a relationship like this unless changes were made (if he is single) if he isn’t well then boot him out the door!

I agree with @Friendsofmine

I don’t see any real intention here to resolve the mystery. She could have easily done any number of things to “get to the bottom
of it” without the boyfriend even knowing she suspected. But she hasn’t.

What’s with the quotation marks? Seems a bit PA but whatever.

Did you read the thread? She’s tried to find out information lots of different ways and been unsuccessful so asked for help, which incidentally she’s been given. Hopefully with some of the suggestions on here she can figure out what’s going on ASAP.

It’s not PA at all I am
Literally quoting you to respond to your specific point!

We are reading the same thread, I can assure you.

Well they live 100 miles from each other so I can see why the infrequency wasn’t a red flag at first - though she has since said she has tried numerous times to find I’m on the electoral roll and on the online address records.

She has said she’s met his friends and they have been affectionate in front of them so that’s confusing her.

She’s searched social media with his name for different spellings and his phone number.

She’s asked him if he’s hiding a wife and three kids in his flat - he said no.

She’s looked on LinkedIn - not found him.

She’s reversed image searched his photos for n numerous search engines - not found him.

I would say she’s out some effort in, she’s also going to ask him to spend Valentine’s Day with her even though it’s not one of the normal scheduled weekends he spends with her, if he refuses which would be unusual she’s going to challenge him on it. I think this is a smart idea, it also leads me to believe that this weekend is one of their scheduled weekends so I have the advice she should check his wallet and see if his name is really what he says it is. That should hopefully shed some light on things.

She’s asked for advice and gotten loads of it, I’ve not seen where she said she isn’t going to bother acting on it. For me this thread thread shows she isn’t in denial and is willing to tackle this immediately.

Similar happened to me. Told me he couldn't stay out overnight because of his dogs (plausible). Asked me to send him a postcard from my holiday in an envelope to his mate's house so the dogs didn't chew it up. Turns out he was married. I was only 19 at the time so a lot less cynical than I am now. I hope you get some answers OP.

Agreed about housemates girlfriend being jealous/weird, can't believe u bought that, what on earth does that have to do with you?

Seems a bit suspicious, I hope it isnt

I think Friendsofmine is being unfair. It's a double whammy to find out that the man you love and trust has been dishonest with you and also that you've been foolish enough to believe the lies. This happened to me and although the signs were there I just couldn't quite believe that someone would treat me in this way and weave such a tissue of lies.

OP, I know how difficult it is but do try and find out the truth. It'll be better in the long run.

I know you’ve facebooked his mobile number, but have you Googled it?

@atomicblonde30

The most immediate and best advice IMO which op hasn’t acted on is calling his work switchboard. She will find out easily if the name he gave is his. The Valentine’s Day thing won’t help - he will have a plausible excuse and shr

Sorry sent too soon!

*she will buy it because she wants to. Similarly of course he said he wasn’t married! She needs to drop in uninvited at his place. If she asks to Go to his he will find a single friend who will lend him
His place. The sickness was a perfect example to drive there to look after him.

I didn't mean to be unsympathetic I just mean she has to act now otherwise she is colluding with his lies, whatever they turn out to be.

I am sorry though and wonder if you've ended up with, at best, a fwb who you think you are in a relationship with.

But she is hence the thread, she’s clearly stated what she’s done so far hasn’t worked so do we have any ideas.

I understand and agree with the driving over there if he’s poorly, I would do that however the me from 3 years ago wouldn’t have - I’d have been too nervous of the possibility of confrontation and aggression from someone far bigger and stronger than me. Also she did say she worked a 13 hour shift and didn’t feel it safe to drive 200 miles there and back, presumably she had work in the morning too.

Hopefully OP gets to the bottom of this using some of the suggestions she’s been given on here.

Why not just call his office switchboard so she can confirm at least his name is what he says it is?

I think she says he’s off work this week. I’d nosey through the wallet this weekend. Calling the office would be good but I would be afraid as it’s unusual it would tip him off to my suspicions, I understand I’m more hesitant than most though.

You can't call his office! I think that's a step too far. I don't even call my husbands work office, you could get him into trouble if you start snooping in on his work.

Op hasn't even come back yet, check his wallet, phone (email ect) or call him out. I wouldn't ring his work though.

I would call the office and lie about who I am! If the switchboard know his name and put you through then hang up! No need to actually talk to him and say it’s you! But there a good chance I think that they do not know him. I would hazard a guess that this is not his real name. I know some people don’t have LinkedIn and Facebook but I think it’s unusual not to have anything at all online these days. And the rest of the stuff is unusual. Perhaps people send voice notes but usually in relationships they have phone calls. Not free for calls in the evening and not free at weekend is the age old married man warning flag!

Hope your ok op. I think was a pp has suggested about calling his work switchboard and asking for the name you know will at least settle that issue, potentially won’t solve anything, will potentially make the lies obvious

Any update OP?

What do you friends and family think?

He’s def married!!

I think we might have heard back from OP if all was innocent.