Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Possibly the OW

339 replies

soapandglory9x · 02/02/2020 21:32

Met on OLD and have been dating/together for nearly 11 months. I’m 29 and he’s 37.

Spend every other weekend together and he sometimes pops over during the week after work if not to tired or finished late. We live around 100 miles from each other. No kids on either side. I love him and think (?) he feels the same, has told me he does anyway, however I can’t shake this feeling that he may be married or have a partner and kids. Some points:;

⁃ He has no social media, only WhatsApp. I’ve tried searching his full name/nickname on Facebook/instagram to no avail.

  • He doesn’t have any kids at 37 (I know not unheard of but he was previously in a relationship for 9 years so seems strange to me?).
  • Although he has a good job and earns a decent salary he’s never lived by himself. Currently lives with a friend to save money but I’ve never been aloud in to visit because his friends girlfriend is one of these paranoid/jealous types apparently. I have picked him up from outside the property though when his car was in the garage.
  • He comes over every other weekend like clockwork but if I ask to change weekends (because I might of been invited out by friends etc) then he saids he can’t swap them but doesn’t give a reason why. I think this reason worries me the most. He’s not spontaneous at all with plans like most single people are (if that makes sense?).
  • He hardly messages during the evening anymore but did in the beginning. He might message me around 5:00pm when leaving work and then I won’t hear anything until the morning when he’s back in. I have brought this issue up before but he’s just used the excuse that he was at a friends house, spending time with family, playing football or fell asleep. Also never calls me but does send voice notes over WhatsApp when he’s home.

After 11 months I’ve still not been inside his home, he always comes here. I’ve met a couple of his friends on nights out but not met his family yet. He’s also sent me pictures/videos of his nieces/nephews with his sister/mum in the background, I did ask who they thought he was sending them to and he said he told them it was to me. Apparently he’s told them all about me. His WhatsApp picture is even of him and his niece. I have also asked him about his feeling towards kids to see if he’d ever want any in the future but he’s never really given a specific answer.

He’s very caring and thoughtful. Always makes me laugh and smile. He also takes me away to lovely places, hotels and for meals out. When he comes down on the weekends he stays from Friday until Sunday afternoon. He’s the perfect man in every sense. I know it might all be innocent but I just can’t shake this feeling. Am I right to be worried?

OP posts:
DecemberSnow · 02/02/2020 23:36

@DearHappy

"You say noone has a whatsapp picture of their niece...."

I do....

PearTreeParty · 02/02/2020 23:40

I'd be very suspicious in these circumstances.

Having you tried buying a couple of credits on the 192 search for an advanced search? I'd do that.

Then I'd google his place of business and see if there was any mention of him and his surname.

I'd get a friend (or someone on here so you don't have to be embarrassed) to do a Facebook search in case he has blocked you.

Google his name and the area he lives in - see if anything comes up. It's a long shot, but one of my friends had suspicions about the 'single-ness' of the man she was seeing, and managed to find an application for planning permission on an extension submitted by his wife :(

I will keep thinking...

DecemberSnow · 02/02/2020 23:40

My partner doesn't have a mobile phone

People would of found that weird

SandyY2K · 02/02/2020 23:41

Next time your with him have a look at his bank card for his name .
By snopping in his wallet or just asking?

Because if I was asked to produce my bank card, I'd ask why. I wouldn't just bring it out.

Same with driving licence. You don't just ask to see these things.

He's definitely dodgy and lying about something.

If it was me, I would probably end it because he's dodgy. He didn't want you in the flat as it would have been obvious he didn't live there. He would be really stupid to let you know his real home address.

HeIsLeaving · 02/02/2020 23:49

his friends girlfriend is one of these paranoid/jealous types apparently

This alone would make my alarm bells rings so much they'd brake. Sorry OP Thanks

Patch23042 · 02/02/2020 23:50

He’s either married/cohabiting or he’s keeping you at arm’s length. It’s pretty damning either way.

clairindespair · 02/02/2020 23:51

Sorry OP he sounds dodgy

PearTreeParty · 02/02/2020 23:58

Also - why would his paranoid and jealous FRIEND's girlfriend, give a flying fuck who her boyfriend's mate was dating? And what kind of bloke would go "Oh ok then Dave. If your girlfriend doesn't want my new girlfriend coming round, that's a done deal'.

Utter bollocks. Sorry to say.

KingCatMeowInSpace · 02/02/2020 23:59

I'm With PearTree- why does the friends girlfriend get to decide? And he just accepts it??

Savingshoes · 03/02/2020 00:01

Search his friend on social media instead, he might be in photos.
Search his relatives names.

Skittlesandbeer · 03/02/2020 00:03

If I were getting serious about someone, picturing a future, then I’d 100% invest in a professional background check of them, in this situation.

I’d do it totally under the radar, and not EVER tell anyone if it turned up clean. Never ever. If it turned up 3 Mormon marriages, 15 kids and a Chairperson position of the Torture Small Animals Society then at least I’d be able to free myself fast (and furiously!).

I’d see it as an obvious investment in my future (& mental health) and know that he’d given me a barrow-load of good reasons to check. If you don’t want to be investigated, then be honest and open, I say.

AlexaAmbidextra · 03/02/2020 00:03

To view the full free electoral role go to the local library for his area and ask to view it for whatever the area within the town it is.
If you don’t know what the area is called just ask for the street.
They are listed alphabetically. It’s your right to view it. They can’t withhold it. It’s free to view.
It will tell you what adults are recorded at the address.

Not necessarily. You can opt out of being on the ‘open’ electoral role which is the version that is viewable by the general public.

MakeLemonade · 03/02/2020 00:07

If you search first name plus company plus what he does (HR, compliance) etc you might be able to find him. Even if there are ten ‘Henry company X IT’ you would get a list on LinkedIn, normally with photos.

salsmum · 03/02/2020 00:39

With valentines coming up could you not get a friend to deliver a parcel to the address with dark clothes and hi vis jacket on ( similar to parcel company).

Breastfeedingworries · 03/02/2020 01:45

Marking spot, as will post about experiences tomorrow. Flowers

Hope you’re okay op x

Luxembourgmama · 03/02/2020 04:06

Sounds very fishy op.

PositiveVibez · 03/02/2020 04:19

Why would somebody put their surname on their WhatsApp profile? That's odd isn't it?

UncertainWoman · 03/02/2020 04:42

This sounds very similar to my situation OP. Turns out my guy was definitely married with a kid and another on the way.

Try and get a hold of his wallet somehow to check his full name - driving license/bank card. Or if he has a locked iPhone try getting on his medical id in the emergency health section. If he's filled it in you'll have his real name and next of kin names (if he's still married that'll be his wife).

timeisnotaline · 03/02/2020 04:50

It doesn’t sound great. I’d be ‘I can’t possibly go out with someone who won’t let me in their house for OVER A YEAR. If you’re not willing to address this jealous friend issue then we can’t go much further, I’m not willing to be any kind of secret, we need to meet up at both houses regularly from now on.’

LittleWing80 · 03/02/2020 04:51

Even if all true, the friend and girlfriend never go out / away? He never has the flat to himself?
With Linkedin you can change your settings to anonymous browsing so all they see is that ‘a linkedin member’ has looked at their profile. Try to search his company name and job title (without his name.
Good luck 💐

Whereisthelaughter · 03/02/2020 05:43

This does sound dodgy. I think I would start by, the next time he stays over, get up for a wee in the night and check his wallet. Check that he has given you his correct name. Otherwise any other checking is pointless.

AgentJohnson · 03/02/2020 06:11

Tell him that not being ’allowed’ into his flat and not being introduced to his family is unsettling because it feels like you’re being kept out on the outside of certain parts of his life. Ask him when does he see this changing because you are sick of it.

You need to make it very clear that his ’explanations’ are wearing thin.

OhMeows · 03/02/2020 07:27

Send a friend round to knock on the door pretending to collect for charity to see if she can see anything.

baileys6904 · 03/02/2020 07:34

Can you ring him at random times or does he not allow that? If not, then I agree, he's married. If you can ring whenever, he might be genuine

Jellybeansincognito · 03/02/2020 07:36

Sounds like the jealous ‘girlfriend’ at home will know your partners ex, and potential mother of his kids.

All sounds very fishy to me.

I’d give him an opportunity to tell you the truth and if he doesn’t just completely ghost him.
He doesn’t deserve your time.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread