How to get my partner to allow me a girls night out?

[smokedbacon]

Hi I've been with my partner for ten years we have three children under 5 and I'm mid 20s I've never ever been on a girls night out and I really want too.
He said no if I go he has to come or I can't go and I'll be breaking up our family and relationship for the sake of a night out.
I've never ever been out without him only to like the school runs shops or my mums or grandmas. What do I do?
He said if I go out I'll be cheating on him or I can't handle my drink or I'm using a girls night out as an excuse to meet men but I'm not.
I probably would only have two drinks as I don't really like it as much as I used too and plus having the children the next day would be difficult hungover.
I've never gave him a reason not to trust me he keeps telling me I don't love him and I'm a slag if I go but I haven't ever been out with my friends before and I really want to go but I guess it's not worth losing my relationship and family life over a night out is it?
Has anyone experienced this before??? I don't even know why I asked I know I shouldn't have to ask him but I did and it was vetoed straight away now it's gone to shite

My ex would do this every time I tried to go out, he'd decide to leave so I'd change my mind and/or beg. They don't leave, and if they do then they come back making out like they are doing you a favour and you are being given another chance. There's no way he actually plans to leave and stay gone so you need to be strong to make sure that she's actually happen

Oh troll off, CallmeAngelina. She was only 16 when she met him, he's all she's ever known.

"He says I won't cope without him"
Haha I think they all spew that same bullshit. You'll cope fine! Especially once you've had some breathing space from the manipulative asshole.

If no one has mentioned it yet 'Why does he do that?' By Lundy bankroft might be a good read for you (once you are free as you don't want him to see it). Also YouTube vlogs on narcissists. Melanie Tonia Evans does good vlogs. But don't let him know you are watching them/wising up.

Get yourself and your kids somewhere safe, then learn all you can about abusers and their tactics to help protect yourself.

You are only 26 and have a whole amazing life ahead if you. Don't let him steal any more of it.

I echo everyone else - please let him pack his bags and go. Then, I would recommend that you do the Freedom Programme which you can get more information on from the wonderful ladies of MN who have been through this.

Sending you best wishes and keep posting - the people on here will support you as you get your life back together.

PS: no one who loves you... or has any respect for you (or women in general), would ever call you a slag or say 'you are a slag if you..'. He's a disgusting human being.

This man is coercively controlling you which is a crime in the U.K.

This is controlling and coersive behaviour and domestic abuse. You should call the police and report him because he is going to get even nastier i can guarantee it, he thinks he owns you and even if you split, hell still try to control you, put you down and dictate your life. Dont not do it for his sake and how it will impact on him and because youll feel sorry for him or its not that bad, because it is, do it for yourself and the poor women he will eventually do this again to in the future. An abuser like this should be punished.

' he says I can't cope without him '

As PP's have said, most of these types say that. It's bollox, they just do it to try and damage our confidence so we don't feel we can leave.

Live your life and be free. If you don't do it you'll regret it. Ideally go at as you've planned. If not, plan it for ASAP.

Op you've had a lot of good advice on this thread. I don't have anything new to add but wanted to emphasise a few of the points:

1. Coercive control is illegal and he could go to prison for what he's done to you. I'm sure you're busy telling yourself that it isn't really abuse because he isn't violent, but it is. It's very very much real abuse, and a very extreme and serious example of it at that.

1. You may well be in danger now that you have stood up to him. He will look to re exert control over you and this may include violence. Don't assume he won't become violent. Your safety is the most important thing here, so be careful.

1. He says he's never coming back if he goes but this is almost certainly not true. It's a threat to stop you challenging him, but I guarantee you'll have a much harder time getting him to leave. He won't give up control so easily. You may well need the police to help you leave so don't be afraid to use them.

1. Dont under estimate this situation. The level of abuse is extreme. The risk of it getting worse is high. You know you need to get out but it won't be easy. Take every bit of help you can find, have the police on speed dial, and put your safety first every time.

Good luck. Sending you strength and peace.

Of course you’ll cope without him. You won’t have an abusive arsehole to deal with.

You think you won’t because he’s manipulating you to think that. It’s all about control.

Your children will also grow up in a calmer environment without an abusive father at home. Don’t think they won’t be affected by it.

When did you allow him to become the boss of you, a grown adult?

@CallmeAngelina, when you have read about coercive control and fully understand it's power, your opinion might be welcome on threads like this.

In the meantime, please keep your counsel because you can cause a great deal of harm by victim-blaming.

There are people in highly respected professions, barristers, consutants, who are also in coercive controlling relationships all across the land. They don't choose to allow it to happen and they can't just walk away.

Please don't comment on threads like this again until you truly understand the potential impact of what you are saying.

OP, you need to stop justifying yourself to him. He will never see anything from your point of view. Every comment you make is an opportunity for him to turn it back on you to manipulate you.

He is angry right now and he things you will be too scared to disobey him. Once he realises you mean it, he will change his tack very quickly. He will try different strategies to employ fear and guilt to force you to back down and apologise. He is very likely to remove your access to money if you have any and to try to take your children.

Once he has your children, you may have to go to court to get them back as he will have parental responsibility. He may be saying he won't look after them at the moment but he will soon realise that taking them off you is the best way to hurt you.

You need to think ahead and protect yourself and your children right now. Please call Women's Aid for advice as soon as you can.

You get dressed and you say bye! End of! Otherwise he is a bullying twat and you shouldn't have to put up with it!

When did you allow him to become the boss of you, a grown adult?

What a preposterous thing to say!!!!! Ill conceived and blind.

Op, I was in this exact position. Really young with kids, and with a very controlling partner who wouldn't let me out unless I had the kids in tow, wasn't allowed a job, and had had to run every single thing by him. You have no idea how easier and better my life became when I finally ended it. I really encourage you to do the same. A relationship should NOT be like this x

When did you allow him to become the boss of you, a grown adult?

Groomed at 16 and kept in a cage since then with a smattering of babies when adulthood happened to make sure she stays there. Doesn't sound as if the OP has been allows to grow as a fully functional adult.

You've got so much of your life to live - go and be free!

5hrs since the op last commented. I hope she's ok. And the kids.

OP I’m really worried for you, please get yourself and your kids to a safe place and call the police and describe everything over the last 10 years. He has groomed you from 16! What 26 year old is interested in a 16 year old. Of course he’s older.

He’s saying he will leave but he could equally snap.

Good grief. Are you not bored with being stuck in all the time?

Life is really passing you by

I hope you're ok OP x

@FourDecades

Good grief. Are you not bored with being stuck in all the time?

Life is really passing you by

Did you read anything apart from the first post? OP has been with this man in an abusive relationship for 10 years since she was 16 years old.

OP, hope you're ok.

@smokedbacon I really hope you get out of this relationship and LTB. He has taken your teen years, he's controlled and abused you for years. Those messages say a hell of a lot about the person he is. Get out of that relationship. Get safe. Set a better example for your children. Take care.

OP I hope you’re ok