How to get my partner to allow me a girls night out?

[smokedbacon]

Hi I've been with my partner for ten years we have three children under 5 and I'm mid 20s I've never ever been on a girls night out and I really want too.
He said no if I go he has to come or I can't go and I'll be breaking up our family and relationship for the sake of a night out.
I've never ever been out without him only to like the school runs shops or my mums or grandmas. What do I do?
He said if I go out I'll be cheating on him or I can't handle my drink or I'm using a girls night out as an excuse to meet men but I'm not.
I probably would only have two drinks as I don't really like it as much as I used too and plus having the children the next day would be difficult hungover.
I've never gave him a reason not to trust me he keeps telling me I don't love him and I'm a slag if I go but I haven't ever been out with my friends before and I really want to go but I guess it's not worth losing my relationship and family life over a night out is it?
Has anyone experienced this before??? I don't even know why I asked I know I shouldn't have to ask him but I did and it was vetoed straight away now it's gone to shite

@oohnicevase

He wasn't paranoid, he was controlling. He knew she had never cheated, he used accusations of cheating to control her. It wasn't about mental health, he's just an abusive anus.

OP
Well done OP. Reading through your last couple of days was both hard and inspirational.

But, be aware that he likely won't vanish. A time will come when he starts the love bombing and starts trying to worm his way back in. I would suggest that you block him on all social media and on your phone. If he wants child contact, arrange it through a third party and hand off only in public places. If he does not agree to this then he can apply through the courts.

Women's Aid can support you to get financially independent, either through helping you arrange benefits or providing employment support. They can also support you with having your locks changed and ensuring that you are protected and supported.

I was in a similar position at 17, OP. In a relationship with a man 10 years older. I was so naive, I didnt recognise all the glaring signs at the time. I started to push back after a few months and got punched in the face for it. It was enough to make me run a mile.

I truly believe that weak men like him target teenage girls deliberately, as they'd be unlikely to be able to keep a relationship with a self-assured adult woman.

Sending you my very best wishes for a much happier future for you and your kids, OP. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at how well you will cope on your own, and how much better your life will be without that millstone round your neck. X

Blimey - well done OP.
So pleased he has gone.
Take it a day at time now - or a half day at a time.
Your friend sounds supportive so keep leaning on her.
I thought he might really ramp up the abuse so I'm very glad he left without much fuss.
Keep him gone.
Next week, when you feel a little bit stronger, you can contact CMS and get maintenance sorted.
For now, enjoy the freedom!!!!
It must feel like a huge has been lifted from your shoulders.
The scales fell from your eyes and you started to stand up for yourself.
Well done. That takes some guts!
You got this!

Next steps, as PP have said, is to change your locks and then make sure you’re getting updated UC and any discounts (council tax single person discount etc) on bills that you’ll be entitled to. Then get a CMS claim in.

Best of luck, stay strong for yourself and your DC.

Well done OP
Really 👏
Im delighted for you. Watch /suscribe to meredith miller integration on youtube. For more "de-programming"

Just read your updates, glad you're ok and that he's gone.

If he has keys - GET THE LOCKS CHANGED TODAY/TONIGHT. There is a chance (if he has keys) of him turning up when you're out i.e. on the school run. Don't want to scare you, just want you to be fully prepared and protected.

Failing that (not being able to get the locks changed) leave your keys in the locks when you're in the house (as long as they're not reachable through the letterbox) and could you go out the back way? This is what I did when my ex was refusing to leave. We were married but his name wasn't on my tenancy agreement. He taunted me saying, "You can't legally throw me out, we're married, you'd be making me homeless!"

Until one day I literally locked him out of the house when he was at work, put all my keys in the locks and texted him to say if he tried to come back and cause a scene then I would phone the police. He never came back. Funnily enough he found a place to stay at one of the women's houses he'd been sleeping with. It was like a ten tonne weight had been lifted off my shoulders when he went.

Stay strong, you can do this. You may not feel it right now but your life will be so much EASIER and HAPPIER very soon.

Have you heard from him op?

Ok this is when you need to be careful op. This isn't a good man, he has left and blocked you so he can act the big man and generously take uou back making uou promise never to challenge him again.

When he realises he's out for good it may be very bad indeed. You need to hold firm. For you and your kids sake you need to keep him gone. If you don't uour future self will wish to god you had.

Hold firm, don't let him back in. Get through this then go have a good life.

Well done OP, welcome to your life! Have fun!

Arm yourself with the word No. He thinks he's punishing you and will be back when he thinks he's taught you a lesson.

Meanwhile cherish the feeling of freedom, hold onto it. Remember how it feels when he tries to squirm is way back in telling you he'll change. They never ever do. (I left an abuser and I'm a very happy single mum)

'I always say you okay? Are you sure your okay?'
I remember doing this.

I was so insecure and nervous and felt I needed to check in with his mood as it had such an impact on the rest of us.

You're amazing - your friend sounds lovely too

Well done.
Don’t let him back inside your home for any reason.
You might let the police know the relationship is over, only your name is on the lease, and he has all of his things- just in case he tries to start any trouble.

He has stopped you seeing friends and going out because you might realise what a controlling twat he is and that this is not a normal way to treat your partner. He has encouraged you to have your children close together and while you are very young so that you have less opportunity to be independent. If he has gone, he has done you an enormous favour. Change the locks. Do the Freedom Programme. Do not look back

Well done OP. Stay safe.

YOU ARE AMAZING!!!

Just a heads up though, you will get all sorts of versions of him now as he tries to get back in your life... there will be crying and promises to change and he loves you and the kids soooooo much.
There will be anger and threats probably including that he will go for full custody as you can't cope/are unstable/mental.
He may well tell you that he is Very Very Ill due to the stress and heartbreak to draw you in to conversation.
He will probably allude to or outright threaten suicide as it just isn't worth living without you.

Post here if he does any of the above before you even consider replying to him.

Well done OP. Be aware that it often takes women several attempts to leave an abusive partner and this is when they are most vulnerable to physical assault. Keep yourself safe. Change your locks and avoid being alone with him. Think about changing your usual patterns ie. route to school or walk with other mums. Contact women’s aid. It may even be worth contacting the police to get an alert put on your address. Keep all texts etc. you do have for evidence in case of any child custody hearings etc.

Sorry OP, I posted without seeing your updates. Not sure how I did that.

Anyway, well done for getting him out the road. as PP have said though, just because he’s flounced off for now, doesn’t mean he’ll stay gone, in fact I’d bet my rent on him popping up quite soon with all the head fucking tactics me and other PPs have predicted.

Please call your letting agent in the morning and tell them what’s happened. You need to change your locks because he’ll be back and you might not be vigilant all the time. You’ll probably have to pay and you can give them keys but a couple of hundred quid is worth every penny to keep you and the DC safe. Like I said before, you’ve never pushed him this far before, so you have no idea what he’s capable of.My ex got very nasty indeed once he knew I was done and these bastards all operate the same way.

If he gives you any grief at all, which he surely will, get onto the police immediately.It’s much easier for them to act if they’re already aware where potential issues might arise.

Also, it can be really difficult gettting through to WA. Do a google for your local domestic abuse service and give them a call. You’re gonna need all the help you can get to get shot of this arsehole.

Well done for being so strong and taking the first step though. Now comes the hard part I’m afraid, staying strong and repelling all his shit. You sound like you’ve got it though, so keep on keeping on.

Also, can you vary your routine? If you can get someone to deliver the kids to and from school that would be really helpful. It’s easy to change the locks and block him on everything but that doesn’t stop him from accidentally on purpose turning up where he knows you’ll be.

Please stay safe. I’m sure you feel a massive sense of relief now he’s gone but this won’t be the end of it. Please take every precaution you can.

OP, I was 18, he was mid-20s. He spent years slagging off his ex (who I know and like quite well now....). I found myself smothered and dancing to his tune.

I left, broken, after 30 years, and he accused me of seeing someone else (no one else, I left because of him). Our DC have MH issues that they are now recovering from.

I'm glad he's gone, and please stay strong and keep him out. Make sure you open a claim with CMS, he should still pay support for his DC.

Good to read your update OP, stay strong, Do not take him back or allow him into your life. Remember this time as the beginning of the rest of your life and embrace it. Good luck x

Fantastic update. Be ready for a multitude of different emotions but stay strong, it's the only way for you to get back control of your life.

Talk to your friends and keep looking forward.

I'd have a quick check round that bathroom incase he has done something dodgy like plant a hidden camera or something. Or peed in your shampoo/used your toothbrush to clean the loo. Or poked holes in the condoms.

Rule of thumb-if they do something that seems different to usual-they are up to something!

If course the bath could have just been to make you sweat that he wasn't going to leave.

But better safe than sorry! They are spiteful shits. Check everything.

And I'd say change the locks too!

I'm so glad that you have taken the first steps, but please be careful. It's not over by any means - change the locks, tell people where you are at all times. Be very careful.

He hasn't gone for good - he will either do his best to inveigle himself back in, or will try to punish you for what you have done.

That's amazing news that the flat is in your name. Now you need to make sure that you are both getting all the benefits to which you are entitled and find a job pronto.

Best of luck!

Get the hell out of there.

It's her flat Monty12345 and he's gone. Do keep up.

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