How to get my partner to allow me a girls night out?

[smokedbacon]

Hi I've been with my partner for ten years we have three children under 5 and I'm mid 20s I've never ever been on a girls night out and I really want too.
He said no if I go he has to come or I can't go and I'll be breaking up our family and relationship for the sake of a night out.
I've never ever been out without him only to like the school runs shops or my mums or grandmas. What do I do?
He said if I go out I'll be cheating on him or I can't handle my drink or I'm using a girls night out as an excuse to meet men but I'm not.
I probably would only have two drinks as I don't really like it as much as I used too and plus having the children the next day would be difficult hungover.
I've never gave him a reason not to trust me he keeps telling me I don't love him and I'm a slag if I go but I haven't ever been out with my friends before and I really want to go but I guess it's not worth losing my relationship and family life over a night out is it?
Has anyone experienced this before??? I don't even know why I asked I know I shouldn't have to ask him but I did and it was vetoed straight away now it's gone to shite

reading this stuff make me think of my 8 month old Daughter :'( God i hope she is never in this situation, Its abuse... pure abuse and no one should suffer from i.

leave him. he’s controlling and abusive.

Oblomov20

That's a very unkind, and I'm sorry to say but very ignorant post. Coercive control is a hugely complex issue. It doesn't "happen" to stupid people with language issues. It's a sly, gradual denigration of an individual's sense of self, brought about by a manipulative malevolent person who most probably has deep seated psychological issues for acting in this way.

Your kind of post contributes towards the feelings of shame that people, most often women, have about being in coercively controlling relationships.

Get a job and a life.

Leave.

This
you know this isn't a normal relationship?
And I bet he goes out .
Don't be like my mum who's still with the abusive idiot 40+ years on even after me going nc with my dad she doesn't see he's abusive .
Show your children it's not ok , be strong .

Maybe speak to your gp and ask her to refer you to someone to help you. He is abusive. He could be dangerous if you start saying no.

Go out and tell him to fuck off.

You deserve more of a life than this OP. I have kids and I’m out at least 3 nights per week while my husband puts kids to bed. I do exercise classes, movies with a friend, dinner out with friends. It’s called having a life and it’s bloody wonderful. You can have this too! Don’t put up with him

Be sure you have birth control as he will probably try to get you pregnant again as a form of control. You will be surprised how well you will do on your own. How peaceful your home will be and how your children will bloom.

OH dear lord - you've been stuck in this relationship with this controlling prick for 10 years and haven't had a life at all apart from with him, and he still thinks that you're easy and a slag? No he doesn't - he's just scared that if you go out with people NOT in abusive relationships that you'll find out just how much of a prisoner you are in your own.

Let him leave. Tell him to fuck off - or not, just let him go - he'll be back in quick time because he daren't let you go.

Do you have a daughter? Can you imagine what it's going to be like for her when she hits her teens and starts wanting to do the things that teens usually do, like go out, stay out, party with friends, go shopping together, have a boyfriend etc. - can you just IMAGINE how he's going to react to all of that?
And even if he lets her - how are YOU going to feel seeing her be allowed to do all those things that you haven't been able to?

Let him leave. Let him think what he likes - he's a lying, bullying gaslighting abuser and you need to separate yourself from him before he completely destroys you and your children.

Whatever happens, firstly you're going out tonight. You need to let him see he can't bully you like this. You do understand he's not leaving uou don't you, sadly for you.

OP tread carefully with this advice. Is it safe for you to go out? Will it put you in danger? While I agree you should leave him, you do not want him to escalate.

Oh honey, I'm so sad for you. Please get support from the people you know and the police, and be careful, but definitely leave.

Pack the bag for him and show him the door! That's not a relationship - it's a jail sentence!

Just as well in the circumstances, but 10 years together and three children - and for all his antediluvian views, he hasn't shown you the respect to marry you?

He's not insecure .

You are not making him like this. He may claim it is because he loves you so much. It is actually because he is a pathetic controlling shit and you need to say no to him. You will do what you want as you are a fucking adult.

My best friend's father was like this. Her mum ended up with 6 kids, a broken shell of a woman. When I knew him in my teens, he'd started calling his daughters 'sluts' and 'bikes'. He died early, which was a blessed relief.

Don't book a babysitter. Take the kids and leave them with grandma or friends you trust and go out. Before he arrives home from work. The way he behaves after ( I am sure he will make a big fuss) will help you see that he really sees you as his property and doesn't respect you as an adult woman.
It isn't normal. Its abusive and sad.
And I hope you are on the pill. He might try to get you pregnant again if he sees you are trying to break away.

As others have said please be careful. It may be better to not go out tonight but to work towards leaving. I hate the expression 'get your ducks in a row' but all it really means is put preparations in place.

Woman's Aid or similar can help you with is. Ideally he would move out but realistically this may not happen and you may be better to look for a place. They will help you work out what benefits etc you are entitled to. The council can help with housing. It may be a room in a B&B for a few weeks but honestly that is better than what you have now.

This is absolutely horrid - I'm glad your starting to realize this OP

So sorry you're going through this OP

As others have said, you need to leave and follow a few steps:

• call Womens Aid
• tell someone IRL
• organise yourself finances so you can leave
• seek therapy for yourself to ensure you understand the dynamic that has developed in your relationship and why you've tolerated this over the years. It's not your fault it happened, but it is your responsibility to get stronger boundaries for your kids' wellbeing and your future happiness. You can access free or low-cost therapy in many areas if required.
• read about co-dependency and look up people like Lisa A Romano on YouTube who have loads of free resources.

Good luck xx

You’re being abused OP. This isn’t normal. Pls think long and hard about the example you are setting for your children if you stay. No other person should ever control you, you have the right to make your own decisions. It’s incredibly sad that you don’t realise this. Sending you strength

I agree.... you're in the danger zone now OP, because you are (as he sees it) defying him... please be careful..

Please contact women’s aid and develop an safe exit strategy. Quietly acquiring essential documents, hopefully securing a bit of money he can’t block you from. There are giant red flags waving all over your posts.

When did you allow him to become the boss of you, a grown adult?

CallmeAngelina - did you read all the OP's posts? She's been with him since she was 16, he's 10 years older than her - I think that answers your question, really. Little more than a child when he got his claws into her.

CallmeAngelina the OP is a victim of domestic abuse. She has done nothing wrong. This is all the fault of her abuser.

When did you allow him to become the boss of you, a grown adult?

I think it's important to remember that this began when the OP was 16. It's never a case of just allowing controlling behaviour, it happens in tiny stages, a drip at a time which eventually eats away to the victim's sense of self and of having choices as an independent adult. She probably went from having her parents telling her what to do all the time, straight to having this man doing the same thing.

The Op bears no responsibility for this situation. Her only responsibility is to get herself and her children out of it now that she knows what is going on and understands how it happened. She did not in any way cause this or "allow" it. She was a child when it began, and the same has happened to much older and more experienced women. They aren't to blame either.