How to get my partner to allow me a girls night out?

[smokedbacon]

Hi I've been with my partner for ten years we have three children under 5 and I'm mid 20s I've never ever been on a girls night out and I really want too.
He said no if I go he has to come or I can't go and I'll be breaking up our family and relationship for the sake of a night out.
I've never ever been out without him only to like the school runs shops or my mums or grandmas. What do I do?
He said if I go out I'll be cheating on him or I can't handle my drink or I'm using a girls night out as an excuse to meet men but I'm not.
I probably would only have two drinks as I don't really like it as much as I used too and plus having the children the next day would be difficult hungover.
I've never gave him a reason not to trust me he keeps telling me I don't love him and I'm a slag if I go but I haven't ever been out with my friends before and I really want to go but I guess it's not worth losing my relationship and family life over a night out is it?
Has anyone experienced this before??? I don't even know why I asked I know I shouldn't have to ask him but I did and it was vetoed straight away now it's gone to shite

Do you plan to live like this for your whole life?
What do you think you are teaching your kids?
Get out.

Go on your night out!! You deserve a life of your own as well. It's up to you if and when you go out. Tell him that him being unhappy is unfortunate, but you need to have time with your friends. It doesn't make you a bad person, partner or parent!

Can you speak to your mum and grandma. He sounds very controlling.
It's not good that you can't have your own life.
Let him leave.

OP my wife goes out on average every 2 months with her friends. I tell her she should go out more often!

She doesn’t ask my permission, nor do I ask hers. The great thing about being adults is that none of us need ‘permission’ from anyone else to do anything, especially something as simple as going for a night out.

In a healthy relationship one person is not superior or the boss to the other. It should be an equal and respectful 50/50 footing.

Spending time with friends is healthy, as are holidays and travel and all the other things that enrich our lives. Your OH sounds incredibly suffocating and reminds me of a distant family member I know (female) who doesn’t want her husband or kids to go anywhere. She is attentive to them and spends time with them, but always at home on her terms, and rarely are visitors welcomed or encourage. It’s like she has her little nest closed off and no one else is allowed near or. It’s an incredibly unhealthy and limiting dynamic.

You have done nothing to make your OH behave in any way, despite him saying that. He makes his own choices and controls his own actions. The issue here is not you, it’s his deeply seated insecurity and paranoia.

If you’re not prepared to leave him, at least start asserting yourself. Remind him that you’re an adult and you don’t actually need his permission to do anything. And if he wants to huff and pack his bags over it, that’s on him.

You can and will manage well on your own. He has basically conditioned you into thinking otherwise. This was all part of his plan from the early days of your relationship. He did target you and deliberately so when you were an impressionable teen.

I doubt he will let you go at all easily; it may well come to pass that he will return at some point. He is not going to want to give up all the power and control he wields over you so you will therefore have to leave him. Today if at all possible. The sooner you are fully apart from him the better. He has stolen enough of your life and choices and do not give him any more now.

Is this for real? Leave him.

I would also think it was in the main his idea also to be a parent to three; this also in his mind keeps you trapped by keeping you pregnant.

He is extremely, scarily controlling.
NO woman should EVER have to ask her partner if she is allowed to do something, you are not his possession and you can do whatever the hell you want.
It is courtesy to say do you mind having the kids as I'm going to have an evening out with some friends but other than courtesy it is not up to him to dictate to you what you can and cannot so.
Please check out the freedom programme urgently.
No man has ever told me what I can and cannot do.

This is so sad to read OP because you don’t know any other way to live. You don’t know what a mutually loving respectful relationship is like and you’re so grateful for the crumbs he offers you that you’re overlooking the rest.

What you described him doing with the kids isn’t anything to be celebrated. It’s the minimum a parent should do, not even that if he never takes them anywhere.

If you were 16 and him 26 when you got together then it’s likely he groomed you, and he’s trained you ever since to be a willing prisoner.

The only way you’ll find out how abnormal this is, is when you leave. Then you’ll see. And it’s so hard to take this leap of faith when you know no different and don’t think it’s that bad. We are just a bunch of strangers telling you. Please call Women’s Aid and get some advice from people who are trained in this. They will tell you the same.

I know that you’ll be thinking posters here are overreacting by being so shocked. It’s shocking to us but it’s every day life to you. Of course it’s not all bad, like you see abusive relationships on TV - they never are all bad and that’s how they get you to stay.

I guarantee your friend already knows he’s abusive. Talk to her.

One thing I promise you - he won’t leave. If you start going out five times a week he still won’t leave. He’s grasping at straws to try and control you. I’d be concerned about how he will behave once he realises he can’t control you any more. Please get some professional advice as I worry for your safety. If he’s not violent to you now that may just be because you’re staying in line.

I would start making (secret) plans to leave. Take advice from the charities mentioned, figure out what financial support you’d be entitled to, and what your options are for housing.

You’re in an abusive relationship. Google “coercive control “. - what your partner is doing is illegal

These are just from now it's real. I have asked my friend to come up tonight she said yes I think she does have an idea because of the gym situation she even joked would I be allowed to go when I did say I want to come, I just didn't think nothing of it at the time. I am going to sort his stuff out in a bit I'm just doing an activity with the kids to occupy them. I think I'll call Womans aid tonight as well I'm not sure what to expect but i can see now thinking of everything that's gone on how bad it is.

Is this what you imagined being an adult would be like when you were a child?
If you were my daughter, I would be straight round to yours to punch him help you pack your bags and leave.

Please do call women's aid. You need good real life support. Nobody should live like this

He says I'm easy but I've only been with him in ten years and he knows this

What is your financial position? Do you have access to money?

now threatening to leave tonight with his bags

Brilliant, wave him off and start living your life.
Yes, it may be tough and lonely at first but you'll cope - thousands of single parents get on just fin and you'll be your own person. Just make sure that you spend some time working on yourself and your own boundaries and expectations before you even consider another relationship.

I'm so pleased you've read and understood how warped his behaviour is and that you've reached out to your friend for support. It does sound as though she suspects what's going on. Call your grandma and parents too, let them know you want to leave him. I imagine they'll breathe a sigh of relief – I bet they've been biting their tongues for fear of you and him reacting badly and cutting them off completely.

Start thinking of this the first day of the rest of your life, OP.

He says I'm easy but I've only been with him in ten years and he knows this

WHAT?!!

Are there any cultural/religious elements to this?

Oh OP have some

That text was very brave if you and I'm so glad you know that you deserve more. His reply tells you everything about how he feels. There's a saying 'when someone shows you who they are, believe them' - I think it's clear that he's a horribly abusive man who knows you can do better so has tried to control you so you don't realise.

One think that jumped out at me is you said what a good dad he is, then listed that he plays with the kids, sometimes does night feeds, does some school runs etc. That's the bare minimum of being a parent - you do all those things don't you? It doesn't make him a good dad, just a dad. So please don't feel that you are loosing something special for your kids. They would be much better off with one happy, free parent than with him there all the time hurting you.

What will you do if/when he decides to come back tonight or tomorrow?

Currently you are still believing what he says - you will learn to stop doing that. He is just throwing everything at you in those texts to control you. He expects you to back down. Please do call women's aid - and for now I would not respond to any texts from him at all.

You need to be careful OP. Up until now he’s got his own way by saying nasty things. When he realises you’re not going to do as he says anymore he could become nastier. Please seek RL advice.

He says you're easy?
He sounds a real charmer.

Look, you MUST know his behaviour is not normal or right? Any adult should have complete autonomy over their lives and how they live - in harmony with their partner, if they have one. That's not to say you live selfishly; I consult my dh on most things, but that's a courtesy really. He wouldn't ever stop me doing anything I really wanted to do, nor I him, but we'll discuss things together. Minor things, like going out socially we would only mention if it involved the other sorting out the kids (now grown up, but years ago) or the dog. Or whether it meant one wasn't going to be home to eat if the other was planning a meal.
That's how it SHOULD be.

This is not normal, this is not healthy and this definitely isn’t love. This is not how a solid loving relationship is. He is controlling, abusive and manipulative and you need to get you and your children away from him. Especially as they will role model him.

You will be so so much happier without him. The freedom and relief you will feel when you are without him will be amazing. He is losing control and hates it. You can see this by the texts he is sending you. Acting like he's done you a favour by being with you so long.
It's the other way round. He's lucky to have had you.

You have so much more to look forward to when you are out of this relationship!