How to get my partner to allow me a girls night out?

[smokedbacon]

Hi I've been with my partner for ten years we have three children under 5 and I'm mid 20s I've never ever been on a girls night out and I really want too.
He said no if I go he has to come or I can't go and I'll be breaking up our family and relationship for the sake of a night out.
I've never ever been out without him only to like the school runs shops or my mums or grandmas. What do I do?
He said if I go out I'll be cheating on him or I can't handle my drink or I'm using a girls night out as an excuse to meet men but I'm not.
I probably would only have two drinks as I don't really like it as much as I used too and plus having the children the next day would be difficult hungover.
I've never gave him a reason not to trust me he keeps telling me I don't love him and I'm a slag if I go but I haven't ever been out with my friends before and I really want to go but I guess it's not worth losing my relationship and family life over a night out is it?
Has anyone experienced this before??? I don't even know why I asked I know I shouldn't have to ask him but I did and it was vetoed straight away now it's gone to shite

Absolutely call woman's aid. They will provide both practical and emotional help. What he is doing to you is not just not OK - it's illegal. It's coercive control.

It won't be easy, you may struggle on you own but you will manage. There is help and support out there and you will look back in 5 years amazed you ever put up with this.

You can succeed without him!

Get a job and a life.

Leave.

Show your children that real women have some backbone and independence these days and that real men don't treat women like shit.

How amazing and lucky for you if he does go. Look on the positive side. You are only 27, you haven't lived a lifetime of cruelty and abuse with no way back. You have friends, some self-respect and self-esteem to build on and beautiful children. Please don't allow him back into twisting your words and actions and 'giving you a last chance' to behave etc. Good luck

You're worried that you won't cope on your own because he's brainwashed you into thinking you are incapable.

You are in a relationship with a classic coercive controller. His only motivation is to control you. He is treating you like a possession, not a person.

He isn't just controlling. He is severely controlling and if he realises you are thinking of leaving, you and your children are at risk of harm. His behaviour is very likely to escalate immediately.

If you go out with your friends, he won't leave you. He will stay and make your life so unpleasant that you won't dare to consider doing it again.

You need to plan very, very carefully what to do next. You need to get advice from Women's Aid in a way that is guaranteed not to alert him.

Your situation feels normal to you because it's what you are used to. It is not normal or healthy and you are on track to be kept a prisoner for the rest of your life. Your children will grow up believing that this is what they should expect and they are very likely to end up in controlling relationships too.

Forget going out tonight and start working out how you will escape from this relationship. Don't allow threats of violence, declarations of undying love, promises to change or threats of suicide to stop you. They are all methods of trying to retake control over you.

Some women are in these relationships for their whole lives. It is tragic for them, their familes and their children. Please don't be one of them.

smokedbacon I hardly ever jump on a thread and say LTB, but please please LTB........ when I say it, I do mean it... you have been given some very good advice on here. It is clear to all of us reading your posts that you have been conditioned to live like this and that you have been completely controlled by him.

Let him go, if he doesn't then kick him out anyway. If you rent then get the locks changed, get him off the tenancy, look into the benefits that you can claim, your friend can help you with this.

Talk to your friend, she will understand, she won't judge and she will help you to get out of this.

A healthy relationship means being able to spend time apart because you trust each other. He is extremely jealous and controlling.

Don't engage with him when he says nasty things to you, I know it is hard, but once he is gone then only speak about things relating to the DC and ignore all other messages.

Good Luck.

With people like this, this will just be the most blatant way in which he's controlling you.

No doubt most everything you do as a couple and as parents will be in line with his wishes. Even those things you think you have control over and are choosing freely, are probably just in line with your learnt behaviour due to his reactions and views. I should imagine you tread carefully all the time, not to upset him.

I'm also guessing he presents your life as him as the provider, protecting you and your children, whilst you are the "little woman" at home. How much active parenting/housework etc does he do? Do you work outside the home, if not what about when you decide to, will he come with you then?

It will be a real disservice to your children to allow them to grow up with these role models. What were the roles like in your family of origin?

He doesn't have to allow it, you just tell him you are going and go.

Please leave this utter cunt of a man. You are missing so much of life it’s depressing. You don’t need him and I can guarantee your life will be infinitely better without him.

Also, and please remember this, THEY NEVER CHANGE! He will always be like this and you could waste the rest of your life with a man who calls you a slag OR you can kick him to the curb and start living.

This is not normal behaviour so I’m so sorry you’re going through this. As others have said, this is controlling behaviour and emotional abuse and manipulation. Your children deserve to see a healthy relationship to be able to forge one for themselves in the future. You sound like you love your children deeply and just want the best for them. You need to think about what the best thing for you is also. Having children and a partner do not mean that you can’t have friends or a night out to relax with them. As others have said OP, as daunting as it sounds, let him pack his bags and go. You deserve so much better than the type of life you are currently living.

Calling your friend and woman’s aid is a great start, now your eyes have been opened everything will seem different and you’ll reassess everything. Let people help

Let him leave. Hes controlling. It is not normal . Forgod sake let him go .

Back his bags for him and wave him goodbye. Who the fuck does he think he is.

OP, you understand that this is now about more than a night out I hope. You need rl support. You have your friend and that is great. What about family?

Someone up thread asked about money, go and withdraw whatever cash you can. Is it a joint account?

Is it a rented property, if so, who’s name is the tenancy in? Use this time before she comes home to plan a little.

If your head is spinning with all this, which I can totally understand, ask a friend or relative to come and support you.

This is such a sad thread, @smokedbacon - my heart is breaking for you.

He says I'm easy but I've only been with him in ten years and he knows this

I echo the other poster above who asked are you from the same culture? He clearly has some ingrained beliefs that women are all sluts/slags/whores, because he has literally had you under his control since you were barely more than a child yourself, but in his heart, contrary to what he can see with his own eyes, he still believes you to be a slut.

Do you have parents on the scene? Does he have a relationship with them? Did he "save" you from anything when you met?

Please please let him flounce out this evening, go to Women's Aid, tell the school what has happened, and first thing tomorrow morning start looking for a school hours job. Is everyone at school yet? Or nursery? I can see why it might be unnerving to be alone for the first time, but it will be such FREEDOM and - hugely important - you are teaching your children that nobody has to tolerate a dysfunctional relationship.

Huge hugs to you.

Is this even for real? If it is, throw the fucker out and stop being a victim.

What do you know about your housing status? Does he own the property you are in or rent it? Are you married?

Is there a joint account and do you have access to it? Can you withdraw as much money as you can right now? If he has flounced out, can you leave the kids with your neighbour for 20 minutes and get to a cashpoint, just in case?

I'm nervous to be on my own though as he says I can't cope without him but luckily where I live I know a lot of the people now

He has deliberately isolated you and has probably been telling you for years how you wouldn't cope without him. But you can cope! You know people locally, you have family you are in contact with, you can do this.
Women's aid will help, your friend downstairs might be able to suggest other local organisations.
And do do the Freedom Programme (certainly before you even think of dating anyone else) - your friend might know all about it.

I hope you manage to get in touch with Women's Aid, OP.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

I was in a situation a bit like yours and I eventually left. It was so hard.

But it was the right thing to do for me and for my DC.

Good luck OP.

It's be worth every moment.

Get your Mum to look after the kids and enjoy your night out as a single, free woman.

He's offering to leave, let him. Just make sure you aren't alone when he comes for his bags.

Wait - I see that you do have a Mum around. Lean on her! She has probably been watching this with great sadness for many years, and will move heaven and earth to get you out now that you see what he really is.

Not at all surprised to see he's 10 years older than you.

He won't give up his control of you easily. He's the insecure dysfunctional one, not you. You'll be fine on your own, you're already bringing up three children, you have friends and family. None of them will be surprised when you say you've left him, and that he's been abusive and controlling. Other people see it as clear as day from the outside, and you will too when you've left and had time to process it all.

I would definitely have your friend with you when you tell him to go. Then tell your family, make it real, these things fester in the dark. You don't need to protect him or worry about him, just get away from him.

As for you making him like this. Well, he's absolutely read the abusers Handbook hasn't he? What exactly is it you've been doing? Going out every night to clubs and chatting up other men? No, because he hasn't "let" you. He's actually quite pathetic.

Don’t go on the night out.

Take time to get support in place. Find out what benefits you can claim, where you can live etc. Do you work? Do you rent? Who’s name is on the tenancy? Get special/important items together (ID documents for you, birth certificates, sentimental things), pack enough clothes for you and the children to manage for a few days in case you have to leave and he doesn’t let you back in the house.

If you go out, as others have suggested, he might move out for a few days but then he will manipulate him into taking him back. He may become aggressive/violent. He may threaten suicide. People can predict what he might do because abuser follow a pattern.

He has controlled you for 10 years. He will not be happy when you tell him/he finds out you want to leave. I think it takes 7 times on average to finally leave abusive partners. This man has controlled, manipulated and abused you since you were a child. The age difference is telling. I have never known a 26 year to be interested in a 16 year old. Yes it can happen and it all works out fabulously, but I think the majority of times it doesn’t. He has taken your life and it’s time you took it back.

Has he ever been physical? You may think it’s not physical abuse because you didn’t end up covered in bruises, but not quite hitting you, intimidating you, punches walls etc is all still physical abuse. Leaving is the most dangerous time and he may increase his abuse to try and scare you back into your place. Has anyone in your family/friends ever mentioned that he may be controlling etc? You probably don’t see them much any more. If they have, they could see what he was like and could be just the people you need to break free.

Take your time, do some research (post in Relationships. LOTS of women have been in your position and will be able to help), make your exit plan and be careful.

My DW and I both have nights out separately with our friends and take turns looking after our DC. Its what you do in a healthy relationship - you do not need to be with someone 24/7. If he's that insecure/controlling, then I don't see how its a relationship worth saving really.