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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to get my partner to allow me a girls night out?

306 replies

smokedbacon · 02/02/2020 13:14

Hi I've been with my partner for ten years we have three children under 5 and I'm mid 20s I've never ever been on a girls night out and I really want too.
He said no if I go he has to come or I can't go and I'll be breaking up our family and relationship for the sake of a night out.
I've never ever been out without him only to like the school runs shops or my mums or grandmas. What do I do?
He said if I go out I'll be cheating on him or I can't handle my drink or I'm using a girls night out as an excuse to meet men but I'm not.
I probably would only have two drinks as I don't really like it as much as I used too and plus having the children the next day would be difficult hungover.
I've never gave him a reason not to trust me he keeps telling me I don't love him and I'm a slag if I go but I haven't ever been out with my friends before and I really want to go but I guess it's not worth losing my relationship and family life over a night out is it?
Has anyone experienced this before??? I don't even know why I asked I know I shouldn't have to ask him but I did and it was vetoed straight away now it's gone to shite

OP posts:
user14928465 · 02/02/2020 13:37

You've been in an abusive relationship for ten years.

Nothing about this is normal. It simply would not happen in a healthy, non-abusive relationship.

Even if you don't care about putting up with being abused yourself, please don't force your children to live like this. Growing up in an abusive home causes so much damage, even if you think you're hiding it.

Women's Aid 0808 2000 247

Freedom Programme www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

PopcornAndWine · 02/02/2020 13:37

You're only 27 so you have plenty of time to do all the things you want to do. Leave this horrible, controlling abusive man. I'm sure plenty of others with more experience will be able to give you advice and direct you to organisations who can help.

gamerchick · 02/02/2020 13:38

Tell him the next time he says it. That if you're the one who makes him like this then it's obvious that you don't make him happy and maybe it's time to part company so he can find someone who does.

You have decades of life to go yet. Is this what you want your entire life to look like?

user14928465 · 02/02/2020 13:38

It's also a crime. You could report him to the police. You may need to if you need help leaving.

What he's done to you attracts a prison sentence. That's how serious it is.

notapizzaeater · 02/02/2020 13:38

'Allow' nope you don't need to be allowed - he's controlling you.

MenAreTrash123 · 02/02/2020 13:39

Get rid

woooooo · 02/02/2020 13:39

Yes let him pack his bags. He probably will. But he won't leave. It's just another controlling technique to get you to back down.

Please don't let your children grow up thinking this family life is normal. It's not. Is this the life you would want for any of your children when they are adults?

You must have put up with this way of life for so long that it became the 'normal' for you but your posts sounds like you are starting to question this. It's not normal.

Start arranging to leave. It won't get any better. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? I'd be out of there with the kids like a shot.

Longwhiskers14 · 02/02/2020 13:39

Oh OP, what you're experiencing is a life half-lived. You should be able to go out to the cinema with your friends, go dancing, drink cocktails, whenever you want to. I'm going out on Thursday with my two best mates. Did I have to ask permission? Did I heck! I told my OH and he said great, I hope you have a lovely time. That's what a man who loves you should say.

If he's at work now, can you pack up some stuff and the kids and go to your grandma's to stay for a bit???

SueEllenMishke · 02/02/2020 13:40

You don't convince him to let you to do anything. You leave. He is abusive and it will escalate.

timeisnotaline · 02/02/2020 13:40

Oh op. The best part of this is you are only 27. You have sooo many years you can finally enjoy a normal life. I got to go out in my teens and ... I still go out! Both with my dh and without him, with friends. Because it’s completely normal to want to enjoy life and anyone who loves you would want you to. Your children deserve to see a happy mother role modelling a good life to them. They won’t while you’re with this guy. Don’t think you can save him or make him see, he can’t, and while you are trying to help him he isn’t thinking twice about making you happy, just about locking you up in the house.

thickwoollytights · 02/02/2020 13:41

I'm really not being rude or goady .....but is this thread for real?

WHO LIVES LIKE THIS?

More importantly, who allows their children to SEE and life with this level of toxicity and power play?

If this thread isn't the daily mail then please please kick the tosser out for good.

Selfsettling3 · 02/02/2020 13:43

This is an awful life for you and your children. Please make sure you clear your internet history before he comes home and contact women’s aid for advice.

Are your children girls or boys or both? Would you like them to be in a relationship like this?

cakeandchampagne · 02/02/2020 13:43

Get whatever help you need to get out of this relationship.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 02/02/2020 13:45

'he's saying no way and now threatening to leave tonight with his bags because I won't back down from the night out idea.'
If he really does leave, this is a good thing.

Keep all his texts and other evidence of him saying this kind of thing to you.

Try not to bring up his abusive nature with him. Just get support from people who respect you. A friend or women's aid worker.

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 02/02/2020 13:46

I hope he leaves. I’m so sorry for you OP, he’s an abusive pig.

YappityYapYap · 02/02/2020 13:46

I would suggest that you call your grandma OP and ask her to come over and show her this thread and ask for her advice on what to do next

HappyHammy · 02/02/2020 13:46

How awful, and sad, you and your dc deserve so much more. What is the home situation, do you own a home or rent, do you pay towards the bills. If I was you and feeling strong enough I would say, ok leave then, don't bother messaging him anymore. Could you and your dc go and stay at grannies for a while so you can get some space to think about what you want to do, she will understand and help you. He is controlling you and your life, that is no way to live.

TildaKauskumholm · 02/02/2020 13:47

OP you need to get some support and get away from this abusive controlling man. You are living under his control. Do you want your children to grow up seeing this as normal?

TheHagOnTheHill · 02/02/2020 13:47

Do you have access to money or a job?Do your family and friends know what is happening or how bad it is.
You started to open your eyes and must start to plan from now or this will be your life forever.You should be able to live more,take your kids to the seaside,on day trips.See friends without kids or partner there,visit your family without the need to check-in.
You know this so now you have to work out how to change,there are lots of people here who have been through similar to support you so keep postingFlowers

billybagpuss · 02/02/2020 13:49

He’s blocked you because you’ve said you’re going out? You really need to speak to someone irl about this so you can see how awful this situation is.

Please beware though he is likely to ramp up his behaviour if you look like you’re getting stronger

Original poster
smokedbacon · 02/02/2020 13:50

Sadly it is real I have his messages to prove that. He keeps saying once he goes he won't come back so I do think he will go I'm nervous to be on my own though as he says I can't cope without him but luckily where I live I know a lot of the people now so if I do get nervous being on my own I could message my friend downstairs or something. I think right now that's my biggest fear is being on my own because I never have been.

OP posts:
justthecat · 02/02/2020 13:50

Let him pack his bags then change the locks once he’s gone ( very doubtful he will though) it’s not about 1 night out it’s about him having control over you

oktoberfestisuponus · 02/02/2020 13:51

This is not a normal relationship. I am scared for you OP. Could you leave and take the kids to your parents or grandparents?

PaterPower · 02/02/2020 13:51

Out of interest OP, is there a big age difference between you? Had he had other GFs before you?

Not that either is any excuse for his behaviour. He’s controlling and nasty with it and you should call his bluff and let him leave. TBH, I suspect either he won’t (he’ll try and sabotage your night another way though - make sure you’re not relying on him for childcare that night and definitely don’t tell him where you’re going) or he’ll stay away for a week to “punish” you and then expect you to be begging him to come back.

If that doesn’t work (and I hope you don’t let it), his next step would be to threaten suicide and tell you it’s because you’ve driven him to it. It’s very predictable.

Original poster
smokedbacon · 02/02/2020 13:51

The weird thing is he's really good with the kids he does night feeds sometimes he takes them to school or picks them up, he buys them whatever they need he listens to them and supports them but he doesn't take them out at all. Now I'm wondering if this because he doesn't want me to be on my own

OP posts:
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