How to get my partner to allow me a girls night out?

[smokedbacon]

Hi I've been with my partner for ten years we have three children under 5 and I'm mid 20s I've never ever been on a girls night out and I really want too.
He said no if I go he has to come or I can't go and I'll be breaking up our family and relationship for the sake of a night out.
I've never ever been out without him only to like the school runs shops or my mums or grandmas. What do I do?
He said if I go out I'll be cheating on him or I can't handle my drink or I'm using a girls night out as an excuse to meet men but I'm not.
I probably would only have two drinks as I don't really like it as much as I used too and plus having the children the next day would be difficult hungover.
I've never gave him a reason not to trust me he keeps telling me I don't love him and I'm a slag if I go but I haven't ever been out with my friends before and I really want to go but I guess it's not worth losing my relationship and family life over a night out is it?
Has anyone experienced this before??? I don't even know why I asked I know I shouldn't have to ask him but I did and it was vetoed straight away now it's gone to shite

He isn’t going to go anywhere he’s a controlling bully
Do you have any friends or family you can confide in?

He says you won’t cope without him! Somehow I think it’s the other way round

Women’s Aid.

Adults don’t need permission from other adults to live their lives. You might work out childcare etc between the two of you, so child free time is shared equally, but that’s it.

@PaterPower Yes ten years difference

You have a friend downstairs? Is she in now? Would she agree to be there when he comes home from work, so you don't have to deal with him alone?

Tell him you are going and hope he keeps his word and fucks off. Then you can have a life.

Once you break free you will find that being on your own is much better than being held prisoner.

Let him pack his bags and leave do you have access to money do you work ?

Generally speaking, men like this are judging you by their own standards.

So if he is expecting you would get overly drunk & try to have sex with every man you spoke to - that is exactly how we would behave. (Well probably women not men, but you get the picture).

Please do not allow this to be the rest of your life. Your DCS, with the best will in the world, will grow up to think this level of control is fine and normal. It isn't.

Are you seriously going to let your children grow up in this environment and probably destroy their lives to??????

@Longwhiskers14 she is in but he will carry on in front of other people he genuinely doesn't care because he will say I've made him like this but my friend has been in an abusive relationship her ex is in prison now I didn't think to speak to her about it because it doesn't feel that bad compared to what he did to her. He was awful I could speak to her about all this and just see what she thinks I didn't really think it was that bad I just thought it was more he was a bit jealous or over protective

Don't let your thoughts stray into that universe OP, that's what he wants. Your hardest job coming up is getting rid of him. He has no intention of leaving for long.

Tell him that's fine and that he can't come back and tomorrow get on to DWP for benefits advice

Remember, you deserve a life. Don't waste your thirties. It's the best decade.

OP, it's not about just now. Do you think you can live like this for the rest of your life? It's been 10 years already, could you live like this for another 50 or 60 years.

Are you saying you started dating when he was 26 and you were 16?

No I won't be letting the kids grow up like this no way. I know it will be hard crazily hard probably but I do want him to go just so I can prove I am capable of raising them without him and will do a good job also.
I am just worried what if I can't cope on my own.

Wow.

Let him go, OP. It will be the biggest favour you'll ever do for yourself. Take back control and start living your life. Would you want any of your DC to live a life like this? If it's not good enough for them, it's not good enough for you.

So he was a 26 year old man and you were a 16 year old girl when you began this relationship?

A certain type of man targets teenage girls and they do to them exactly what he has done to you.

It absolutely is an abusive relationship and I implore you to get help to leave it.

So he was 27 and you were 17 when you started dating? That’s very telling, but not surprising.

Bin him off. He can still choose to be a “good” Dad without you having to tolerate his crap as your partner.

Look into UC, get your rent sorted out and arrange CMS payments and contact days. Then breathe a huge sigh of relief and start living a normal life!

LTB. He got you when you were still a child and he now controls and gaslights you. He won’t leave. He is more likely to make it difficult for you to leave like he is making it difficult for you to have any kind of life of your own. You are so young you can leave, you can find someone better if that’s what you want. Don’t believe this is normal or just protective behaviour. He is a predatory bully and you need to get away from him.

of course you can cope, you are a strong woman, you've coped so far having this awful man in your life, you will be so much happier without him. your friend downstairs might be able to help you but if you have family why don't you tell them what it has been like for you. do you work, there is a lot of support out there for people in this position, don't worry. are you married to him? do you own or rent the house?

Please talk to her this afternoon, OP. If she's been through an abusive relationship, she'll recognise the signs. She may already be worried about you but didn't want to say anything in case it upset you. Plus, a man doesn't have to raise his hand to you to be a dangerous, abusive arsehole. Coercive control is now a criminal offence. Read this:

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

It isn't normal at all, it just seems if because you have been together from such a young age.
Good relationships are built on mutual trust and respect. My DH would only ever encourage me to go out, meet people and have fun. Really, your spouse should be your biggest supporter, the person who stands by you and believes in you.

You can have freedom, you can have nights out and experiences. Best of all you can have all that and be in a relationship with someone who loves you and works with you as a team. Just not with this man.

I think you need to take some time to learn about healthy relationships and then start evaluating what your expectations are. Don't settle for anything less than you want/need in your life. You only get one shot at life, spending it sitting indoors 24/7 is such a waste.

Reading through all these replies OP do you understand how serious this is?

That this is not a normal way of life, not a normal relationship and that you are being abused and completely controlled?

Please tell us you understand and will begin to think through how to leave him.

This is not about a night out.

How do you want your young children to grow up and view relationships?

It will take time to get your head around and get through but stick around on MN for support.

Yes just let him pack and go, you deserve to have a life, the control and jealousy will only get worse.

Being 10 years older he’s likely been waiting for the day you decide you want to live a little and done his very best to veer you away from it any way he can, once these tactics no longer work (which seems to be now), he will likely escalate.

He’s an abusive prick and, if you don’t stand your ground now, you have another 60 years of this ahead of you.

He probably thought that once you’d had kids (particularly 3) with him you’d feel trapped. Please don’t let that be true.