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Original poster

19 years lost to a 29 year old

158 replies

BrighterShades · 30/01/2020 23:10

Straight away - sorry to be a burden and despite never really using this message forum, want to now use it for support. But..... really would appreciate some advice.

Would really appreciate some advice/info from those with previous experience. V. briefly my husband and partner of 19 yrs has recently left me (2 kids, 7 & 9). Repeatedly said he 'just didn't love me'. Guess what ladies - no surprise coming here, but 3 weeks after he moved out, myself and the children found his 29 yr old girlfriend in his flat.

Obviously devastating for us. The children will never forget this.

I thought we were having a bad patch, but not this bad. But maybe, on reflection, without knowing about the 'girlfriend' did think a bit of time apart might be the best thing.

Anyway, what I really need to know about is what does child maintenance actually consist of? Our situation averages out per week as 4 nights with me, 3 nights with him. But I also pick up from school every night (& look after) and will also be looking after in school hols, as I work term time.

Based on his income of 20k a year he needs to pay 146 pounds a month - but surely this doesn't mean that this is his whole contribution to all clothes, food, house, bills etc... or does it?

I'm not trying to screw (the cheating bastard) him, but also want to make sure I get what I'm entitled to. Before the kids I had a better paid job. Did the usual Mum thing and lost her career etc...

What are other people's experiences?

Thanks in advance for anyone who replies.

OP posts:
Sparkle567 · 30/01/2020 23:14

Yes he only has to pay you £146. That’s it.

toomanyleggings · 30/01/2020 23:16

Yep that's probably right. I get 136 from my ex husband and he has no contact whatsoever

SanFranBear · 30/01/2020 23:17

Maintenance is based on how many nights each parent gives. It sounds like during term time you're basically 50/50, what changes during holidays - surely he'll still be able to have them for his three nights?

50/50 care does mean that you're not entitled to any maintenance although I am guessing the £146 is possibly because of that extra night?

It is shit but that's not actually that bad (and shows just how broken the system is). I totally understand how desperately unfair it seems - he gets to swan off and leave for his shiny new life - but your DC know the truth and the relationship and love you'll have from them more than makes up for it.

Nongoddess · 30/01/2020 23:18

You poor thing - I'm sorry I don't have any in depth knowledge but I just wanted to send you sympathy. What a horrid situation to find yourself in. I do feel for you.

I'd see if you can get some solicitors' advice re assets. Do you own anything jointly? All the best to you and the kids. How upsetting for you all.

PinkiOcelot · 30/01/2020 23:19

It doesn’t seem much at all, but that’s it! It’s crap.

3teens · 30/01/2020 23:23

I don't even get that much for 3 kids (he wanted). No help with uniform, trips, etc, no overnights. He sees them 6 hours a week, max.
He has a 4 bed house, 2 holidays a year with gf and her kids. I have a battered, overcrowded, council house and can't even remember what a holiday is.
Unfortunately, that's life.

slipperywhensparticus · 30/01/2020 23:23

It's not 50/50 if you factor in the holidays?

SanFranBear · 30/01/2020 23:29

It's not 50/50 if you factor in the holidays?

You're quite right if the set up is different from term time but it is all based on the nights so if hes still doing three nights, its practically 50/50..

It is so unfair and OP, I am so sorry Flowers

redastherose · 30/01/2020 23:36

I'd stop doing pick up on his nights and get another job if I were you. He's having them overnight to keep his CMS low but not having the inconvenience of sorting childcare or having to rearrange his work. Sod that for a game of soldiers.

redastherose · 30/01/2020 23:38

Sorry, also meant to say you haven't lost him 'the rubbish has just taken itself out' it won't feel like it yet but one day you will be thankful you're well shot of such a pathetic man.

karencantobe · 30/01/2020 23:40

I too would stop picking up on his nights.

BumbleBeee69 · 30/01/2020 23:42

I'd stop doing pick up on his nights and get another job if I were you. He's having them overnight to keep his CMS low but not having the inconvenience of sorting childcare or having to rearrange his work. Sod that for a game of soldiers.

YIP... this

ThreeFish · 30/01/2020 23:43

You might be better to post in the Relationship topics than here

TippledPink · 30/01/2020 23:44

My ex has the kids three nights, I have them 4 nights (although he does cancel sometimes) and he pays me maintenance. They also come to mine after school even on his nights and he picks them up after 6. I get £220 a month for 2 children, he earns just over £20k I think. He does pay when I ask toward expensive school trips (not the day ones), lost retainers, any big ticket things.

If that's what the calculator says then that's what it is.

Original poster
BrighterShades · 30/01/2020 23:44

Thanks for the replies - I really appreciate it. Think I've given the wrong impression. I'm pretty happy with the 146 per month and know that's all I'm entitled to.

I was more meaning - can I still ask him* for a contribution to things like clothes etc... or does that 146 he gives, mean that I'm responsible for buying everything they need?

  • and expect 50%?
OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 30/01/2020 23:45

I'd stop doing pick up on his nights and get another job if I were you. He's having them overnight to keep his CMS low but not having the inconvenience of sorting childcare or having to rearrange his work. Sod that for a game of soldiers.

This - he's doing everything he has to to make his life easier. And as redastherose has also said- one day you'll see how lucky you were that he left.

At the moment you're in turmoil, and worrying abut your DCs, and how you will manage, but if you stop making it easy for him (ie let him do his own pick ups/drop offs, make sure he sticks to his "half" during the school holidays) it will free you up a lot to look for work.

He's a wankstain - wash your hands of him.

Original poster
BrighterShades · 30/01/2020 23:45

sorry though i was, as I'd been looking in that thread/forum. Apologies. I'll learn...

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 30/01/2020 23:45

Yes stop picking up on his nights.

He needs to sort that out and if it inconveniences him then so much the better.Bastard.

TippledPink · 30/01/2020 23:46

When my youngest started grammar school I asked my ex to contribute half to the uniform (it was £300) and he did, I didn't bother asked when my oldest started secondary as the uniform wasn't as expensive. You can ask him but you can't make him contribute!

Original poster
BrighterShades · 30/01/2020 23:47

Really sorry to hear that, sounds shit. I know I'm not in the worst position, it's just new and unexpected. Hope you're doing ok.

OP posts:
Tenetenba · 30/01/2020 23:47

You can always ask, and if he's still a decent bloke he'll help out and contribute more. But no. That 146 is IT. He doesn't have to give you any more.

mummylikesadrink · 30/01/2020 23:50

Just wanted to send you hugs for the crap situation you’re in. Aye the child Maintance is based on his overnights. You could ask him to cover costs like school uniforms / school trips. Also there’s nothing stopping you making private family arrangement in relation to child maintenance and look into the possibility of getting spousal ailment which is a separate payment for you to cover the change in financial circumstances, if your English this might be called something else. This is usually a short term solution and would be based on both your incomes and outgoings. I’m in Scotland we don’t always go straight to using a child maintenance service figure. Depends on how much of a arse he intends to be about things.

Thesuzle · 30/01/2020 23:51

Not in your position OP but very sorry you are, I am however appalled at the financial situation.Didn’t know any of those details. What an absolutely crazy set up, why is this allowed to happen
Hugs to you and kids

Original poster
BrighterShades · 30/01/2020 23:57

Thanks everyone.

Thing is I want to see the children. If it's 'his weekend' I'm really not happy to not see them for 4 nights. I'd rather be able to see them for a few hours on a Friday if it's not 'my weekend'.

I realise it's a weigh up between making him realise what he's done V seeing the kids. I just miss the kids when they're not here and I'd rather see them. I'm not quite strong enough for that yet!

OP posts:
scubadive · 30/01/2020 23:58

You need to see a solicitor, you are entitled to spousal maintenance if he earns more than as you gave up your career and took a job that fit in with the children, presumably earning less than you would otherwise.

This is different and I’m addition to child maintenance.