Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

19 years lost to a 29 year old

158 replies

BrighterShades · 30/01/2020 23:10

Straight away - sorry to be a burden and despite never really using this message forum, want to now use it for support. But..... really would appreciate some advice.

Would really appreciate some advice/info from those with previous experience. V. briefly my husband and partner of 19 yrs has recently left me (2 kids, 7 & 9). Repeatedly said he 'just didn't love me'. Guess what ladies - no surprise coming here, but 3 weeks after he moved out, myself and the children found his 29 yr old girlfriend in his flat.

Obviously devastating for us. The children will never forget this.

I thought we were having a bad patch, but not this bad. But maybe, on reflection, without knowing about the 'girlfriend' did think a bit of time apart might be the best thing.

Anyway, what I really need to know about is what does child maintenance actually consist of? Our situation averages out per week as 4 nights with me, 3 nights with him. But I also pick up from school every night (& look after) and will also be looking after in school hols, as I work term time.

Based on his income of 20k a year he needs to pay 146 pounds a month - but surely this doesn't mean that this is his whole contribution to all clothes, food, house, bills etc... or does it?

I'm not trying to screw (the cheating bastard) him, but also want to make sure I get what I'm entitled to. Before the kids I had a better paid job. Did the usual Mum thing and lost her career etc...

What are other people's experiences?

Thanks in advance for anyone who replies.

OP posts:

IdblowJonSnow · 31/01/2020 09:47

Another thing to bear in mind, appreciate not very helpful now, is that in 4 years theyll both be at high school so will be better equipped to take themselves to clubs/friends/home at least some nights.
But in the meantime stop doing pick ups on his days and increase your hours - if you want to.
And absolutely ask for additional money for trips/clothes whatever else.

Honestface78 · 31/01/2020 10:04

Hi OP,

CMS calculations are the legal minimum that is required of the day-to-day stuff. I would have a word with your ex about additional contributions for all aspects of health and education, which includes school uniform and school trips.

Aries111 · 31/01/2020 10:06

i work for child maintenance they will calculate one set amount from what is taxable income is before tax and thats all he will need to contribute he can contribute extras if he wants to xx

Bibidy · 31/01/2020 10:10

No expert but since you have them basically 50/50 then that £146 is surely a contribution towards the extra time that you have them rather than to cover his share of everything?

Legally he doesn't have to pay more, but a lot of people do. It may be that he's happy to pay for half of expenses like school uniform, trips etc.

Notgoodatchoosingnames · 31/01/2020 10:13

CMS is the minimum you should expect but the school holidays should also count to your time with them if they will be staying at yours more. The CM people recommended to my DH to keep a diary of all the time they spent with us as it can be adjusted with evidence (he never did adjust it but was there in case of any hassle) but the rest will depend on him. My husband always paid extra on top of his agreed maintenance for uniform, school trips etc and bought them clothes and things when it came up. And him and his ex didn't get on at all.
But it was for the kids and he loved them so that's what he did.

Spero · 31/01/2020 10:14

I can never understand why some women are attracted to men who are willing to leave a young family

Absolutely this. I struggle to think of ANY excuse that wouldn't make me think he was a shit.

I am really sorry Op. I know it hurts worse than probably anything else you have ever felt. I also know that time does help, but it likely won't be quick. However in the longer term i hope you realise that you dodged a bullet.

gamerwidow · 31/01/2020 10:16

If you have 50/50 custody you can't expect more than the £146 for food, rent, bills because he will have the same costs too.
You can morally expect 50/50 for stuff just for the children i.e. clothes, activities, school supplies, trips but don't know if this is enforcable legally though?

Littlewelshridinghood · 31/01/2020 10:19

Unfortunately yes, the amount calculated by CM is to be used towards food, clothes etc.

Jeeperscreepers69 · 31/01/2020 10:34

Take the 146 quid and fend for yourself after that. Just give him nice lists of things the kids need ie school uniform shoes trainers on a 6 month basis.

zsazsajuju · 31/01/2020 10:38

I totally understand op that it’s tough. Tbh though he will only have £1400 or so a month after tax. After he has paid his own rent and bills, depending on part of the country, he isn’t going to have much left.

I would be angrier with my ex if he had a luxurious life but he is terrible with money and never seems to have enough

Jeeperscreepers69 · 31/01/2020 10:38

And the title 19 years lost to a 29 year old.... Seriously if he cant keep it in his pants how long will the 29 yr old last. Be as accommodating as posdible. Then when he comes crawling back skint you can tell him your seeing someone 😜

Ferrochrome · 31/01/2020 10:43

Honestly I think if a single resident parent has to claim benefits to make ends meet then the NRP must pay the government back that money. Why do they get to swan off Scot free and make an abandon more babies. Maybe if they were forced to contribute to their existing children then they would be more responsible in future and resident parents wouldn't be left to shoulder all the responsibility on their own.

Booboostwo · 31/01/2020 10:51

Your Ex is an arsehole. There is no doubt about this but also it’s not something the courts will care about. So you need to be practical and ruthless.

Get yourself a lawyer. Understand the process and what you need to do to get the best deal for yourself and for your DCs.

The marital assets will need to be split. The marital home may need to be sold. Get your lawyer to negotiate the best deal for you, especially since you supported your EX’s earning capacity before the split by looking after the home and kids.

If you and he want 50:50 contact that is fine. We do that and it works. BUT do not facilitate this by being effectively a child minder for your Ex. He needs to make all arrangements for childcare during his time. Do not be surprised if the 29yo steps into the breach sooner rather than later. If he cannot come with 50:50 he needs to pay more maintenance. Being a childminder for your DCs so that your Ex can keep his good job, shag his 29yo gf and see his kids as and when he feels like it is the worst thing you can do.

longestlurkerever · 31/01/2020 10:53

I think the OP's question is a good one though - if you have close to 50-50 custody then why are clothes, trips etc the responsibility of one parent only?

Greenwingmemories · 31/01/2020 10:53

I agree Ferrochrome. It seems slightly different in this case because he's such a low earner but it's disgusting to hear about some of the cases here where women are having to rely on benefits (which they are entitled to, no question there) because of feckless ex-husbands swanning off with younger women and living the life of Riley. I just can't see why it's not more of a scandal except that it may represent many of our politicians, legal professionals and journalists.

Out of interest, does this happen in other countries that CM is apparently optional and the state makes up the shortfall?

Greenwingmemories · 31/01/2020 10:54

But also OP I think you should morally get more because your job opportunities are less because of the after school pick ups and holiday care.

Bibidy · 31/01/2020 10:56

But most NRPs do contribute via paying maintenance. Problem is they still need to keep a roof over their own heads as well, which is where the difficulty comes in.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 31/01/2020 10:59

At 20k he isn’t a high earner so you were never going to get a lot money wise as the isn’t there.

Yes the £146 is his contribution, everything else is up to you! Of course if he was a decent dad he would help out and buy a share of school uniform and such like but you can’t count on that.

Also you lost 19 years because you married a cheating bastard, you didn’t lose him to a 29 year old he went because he wanted to he is not lost.....

Waxonwaxoff0 · 31/01/2020 11:05

@Greenwingmemories the state doesn't really "make up" the shortfall though as maintenance isn't means tested for benefits, you get them either way if you're a low earner RP. I get £500pm maintenance and I still get working tax credits, I'd still get them even if I was receiving £1000 a month maintenance.

NailsNeedDoing · 31/01/2020 11:09

I can never understand why some women are attracted to men who are willing to leave a young family

He’s not leaving his children though, he’s planning on having them three nights out of every week, which is better than staying in an unhappy relationship ‘for the sake of the kids’.

Drabarni · 31/01/2020 11:16

Ffs don't help him at all. On his time he sorts everything to do with kids, including school runs. If he can't manage it then gf will have to step up.

averythinline · 31/01/2020 11:17

on his nights he needs to sort out childcare/pick up food etc and sort out their uiniform/homework etc

I know you want to see them but if thats all you are going toget then you may have to look for different work....

will he take them for half the holidays as well? thats approx 8 weeks a year

you looking after them all day and him just having them to sleep just to make it look like he's doin 50/50 is madness...

if you add up the actual time he's looking after them ( a friend did it in hours then divided to get days as she was term time too)

although her dh rather pay for the kids to go to hoilday club than enable her to be term time....but thats his choice..... you are no longer his free childcare option....

lots of kids do afterschool club on one parents days - very few families have school hour/term time working options

its hard but you need to think ahead a bit

Lobsterquadrille2 · 31/01/2020 11:29

@Greenwingmemories my DD's father left very early on (we had moved overseas to work a couple of years previously). He paid no maintenance and there was no welfare state so no benefits of any sort. However, the taxation was minimal so my take home pay did cover childcare. I could only take the standard six weeks maternity leave though.

MNHQ

LouMumsnet · 31/01/2020 11:34

Hi there, @BrighterShades - just to let you know that we've moved your thread over to Relationships.

loopery · 31/01/2020 11:42

Go see a solicitor OP and see what your rights are. Make sure you put in any claim you can today for universal credit. You are now a single parent so should be able to get extra help. Is all the child benefit coming to you?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7