19 years lost to a 29 year old

[BrighterShades]

Straight away - sorry to be a burden and despite never really using this message forum, want to now use it for support. But..... really would appreciate some advice.

Would really appreciate some advice/info from those with previous experience. V. briefly my husband and partner of 19 yrs has recently left me (2 kids, 7 & 9). Repeatedly said he 'just didn't love me'. Guess what ladies - no surprise coming here, but 3 weeks after he moved out, myself and the children found his 29 yr old girlfriend in his flat.

Obviously devastating for us. The children will never forget this.

I thought we were having a bad patch, but not this bad. But maybe, on reflection, without knowing about the 'girlfriend' did think a bit of time apart might be the best thing.

Anyway, what I really need to know about is what does child maintenance actually consist of? Our situation averages out per week as 4 nights with me, 3 nights with him. But I also pick up from school every night (& look after) and will also be looking after in school hols, as I work term time.

Based on his income of 20k a year he needs to pay 146 pounds a month - but surely this doesn't mean that this is his whole contribution to all clothes, food, house, bills etc... or does it?

I'm not trying to screw (the cheating bastard) him, but also want to make sure I get what I'm entitled to. Before the kids I had a better paid job. Did the usual Mum thing and lost her career etc...

What are other people's experiences?

Thanks in advance for anyone who replies.

Maintenance is shit. It is pretty much voluntary.

My Ex would tell you he doesn’t pay because we share contact 50-50. That’s the agreement we reached. That’s not what happens. I have our DD more because of his holidays, work commitments etc.

No, he doesn’t pay maintenance for that; why should he pay me for looking after my daughter? (His words).

Btw, he also earns 4 times what I do.

I find the best way to deal is to budget and look on amy money you receive from him as a ‘bonus’. Things are right tho. I won’t lie.

Another one adding to the "It's shit" chorus. I get £22.70 a month for my child. He doesn't see her at all.

He works a part time minimum wage job and had a list of excuses as long as his arm as to why he can't get a full time job. Most recently, it's hard to get a decent job with a criminal record. The criminal record he now has because of the abuse he perpetrated against me... so it's my fault he can't give me more money.

As some said up thread, child maintenance is basically optional. Don't rely on it. Mine goes straight into DD's savings.

Can we please stop with all this race to the bottom stuff? In threads like this we always get the posters swarming in to say how lucky the OP is to get tuppence when all they got was a farthing..

Maintenance is shit. Absolute shit. It is optional in practical terms if not legally and morally. Ideally, women wouldn't compromise their financial security by reducing their earning capacity when children come along but they do.

The children will never forget this

OP, the children will forget and forgive. Mine did and now have a reasonably close relationship with their DF, and a closer relationship with their SM. And that's good.

This is a horrible time for you and your priority should be looking after you. Be firm - your negotiating power is at its strongest right now and you have to secure the best financial settlement you can. It's not right that your X can swan off and dump his responsibilities on you.

I don't understand the thinking on here. If he has them 50/50, then why would he pay extra for food and clothes? He will be feeding and clothing them 50% of the time.

You should be entitled to a high share if marital assets, what about the home, pensions? Have you discussed and sorted that ?

I just miss the kids when they're not here and I'd rather see them.

And there's the huge difference between you - you love them, want them and are trying not to let them suffer for his actions.

He just wants everything on his terms, and as cheaply as possible.

I totally understand why you "make it easy for him" - because you want your children to know they are loved, and not become a bargaining doit between you.

I know nothing about child maintenance assessments, but im totally flabbergasted that these are so low!

Why is this and how can this possibly be considered fair? How on earth do lone parents manage?

He doesn't need to pay you more money for other things but that's because it's kind of assumed that by having them a certain percentage of the time (say 50%) he takes on 59 percent of their costs (bills at his house, food, school trip costs etc). They should also have plenty of clothes at his house and he should be buying them too (so they shouldn't be packing bags of stuff from yours like they are going on holiday). Whether that is how it works in prescribe is another matter, if he is reasonable and you can both talk about it sensibly and without emotion then it can be possible.

I get £200pm for my 2 dc from ex, he sees them once a week. I don’t ask him for anything else as he got really funny with me when I skied him to up his maintenance from £140 to £200pm, he told me not to ask for anything else.

As for the younger woman, I can see why your upset but it probably won’t last. It’s pretty rare for a man to leave the family home with the reason “it’s just not working”, it’s more likely that they have someone else as men don’t tend to like being on their own, they tend to leave when they have found someone else (not all men but it seems pretty common).

Make sure he pays for things when they are at his house, as essentially they will have two homes.

He needs to buy clothes for them, toys for them etc. You do not need to send things to his house- what you buy for your house stays at your house.

In terms of holiday care you could appeal to his father side and ask for a contribution towards activities as you are saving on childcare costs.
He will also have 25 or so days of annual leave a year so he needs to use these to cover some of his days in the school holidays too.

Have you applied for all the benefits you can get?

Realistically as he is on a lower wage even if you had the kids more nights in the week the difference would be next to nothing, maybe a few £s?

Good luck OP and just remember no matter how much you hate each other don’t let the kids see it

I’d expect he’ll refuse to pay you more. He mustn’t be on much to have such a low assessment.

Assuming he has them for 4 weeks during school holidays he has them 40% of the time. No one is asking you to pay him a fraction of your income for that 40%, yet he must pay you a fraction of his income for your 60%. On top of that you get the child benefit and the chance to apply for tax credits, and you don’t need to give him 40% of that.

Doubtless there will be plenty who still think, despite that, he should be paying more, but some people you just can’t reason with.

@FlowerArranger it’s so low as he only earns 20k a year, and it’s 15% of his income. Factors are then taken into consideration such as shared care etc

Op if you work? As your household income has gone down. Look at contacting the DWP about claiming Universal Credit.

If your salary is less then £16k you can also be entitled to free school meals. I hope you already claim child benefit.

I’ve been where you are and it’s fucking shit. I am so sorry.

Either don't do the pickups or negotiate additional maintenance for doing the pickups. If he had to do them he’d have to lose working hours or pay someone, you shouldn’t do it for free. Also, with the benefit of expensive hindsight, start off how you mean to go on - make it clear you expect him to provide clothes, toys, emergency school cover etc on his days and enforce that from the start.

Yes child maintenance is a joke.
Be prepared for him to drop the amount of time he spends with his children as it won't fit in with his new life.
Be prepared for the cms to not give a f××× if he stops or misses payments.

The law is not in your side.
My advice; prepare for the worst.
I paid to use the CMS and the best thing I can say about that service is they are shit.
Protect yourself and your dc.

Make contingency plans for if he doesn't want to see them or pay for them.

Things will improve. One day you will be thank ful that he left.

negotiate additional maintenance for doing the pickups

This sounds good idea.

I know you want that extra time with your children, but he may offer a bit more if you threatened not to do it (even if you wouldn't carry out the threat)

Also - the enforcement of clothes and toys at his place, otherwise you will find that they take toys etc from your home, and they don't come back and you have to replace them

You can always ask for extra contributions but don’t expect him to agree to it, it depends what sort of man/Father he is but leaving you all for a younger woman points towards him being an arse...

My exH used to pay £150 a month for three DC and he’s only ever seen them for a few hours a week, feeds them one or two ‘meals’ at best. I use the term meals loosely because it’s usually just a Nutella sandwich for lunch and mash, cabbage and a Yorkshire pudding for dinner (they don’t eat meat and ex won’t buy them an alternative). He has recently upped it to £280 a month which has helped enormously but it’s only because he earns more now in a new job. He’s allowed to pay less because he lives with his GF’s two children which I never found fair personally.

CM is honestly never enough to cover all of their costs especially factoring in school uniform and trips but it’s just the way the crappy system is I’m afraid.

Flower
I managed by having to sell the family home and move into rented a comodation.
The cms told me they were closing my case for our eldest dcs.
I then paid to make ex h pay maintenance towards our youngest child.
He has questioned every single payment and refused to set up a direct debit even though he was legally allowed 3 months Grace to set up a direct debit and not pay maintenance.
I cope by having to change jobs and work 6 days a week.
I coped by having to leave my youngest alone to set off for work which meant she often did not to to school.
I .managed to avoid being fined as the school knew my circumstances ( dc was counselling due to her father's behaviour) I was honest with school and they knew I received zero support from her father.
It is shit.
I just don't bother anymore, I can't put myself through it so we do without.
The majority of fathers do not pay child support.
You can google the charity Gingerbread for more information but be prepared to be disgusted by what you read.

Have you called CMS? Or just used their calculator online?

I called them yesterday and have a post about this too asking for good experiences.

I get 160 per month for one dd and I don’t think that’s enough...I’m shocked at the 134. My ex only has his dd twice a month over night.

Call them up, you’re entitled to 12% percent of gross weekly income, so any over time ect you’ll have a cut of.

Very sorry this has all happened to you.

Have you considered that if he has them every week end, you never have down time with them ? No shopping, w/e activities, family visits, partys ?
The standard contact is EOW, & one evening mid week.
& half the holidays

You can ask him for more but he's not entitled to say yes. I sometimes ask exp for contributions at the start of terms for uniform and clubs but he usually comes up with reasons not to

Sorry to hear this. Make sure you check if entitled to tax credits as single person now.

To add he had them eow so 4 days a month and I have the rest, I get £30pw for 2 children

As his wage is low and he has to maintain a decent home for the dc as they’ll be spending a fair amount of time with him, he probably won’t be able to afford much more than the basic maintenance.

You can absolutely appeal to his better nature and ask him to pay half of things like school trips and extra curricular clubs, but it will be completely up to him if he pays for them or not.

@Mix56 there is no stAndard contact anymore