19 years lost to a 29 year old

[BrighterShades]

Straight away - sorry to be a burden and despite never really using this message forum, want to now use it for support. But..... really would appreciate some advice.

Would really appreciate some advice/info from those with previous experience. V. briefly my husband and partner of 19 yrs has recently left me (2 kids, 7 & 9). Repeatedly said he 'just didn't love me'. Guess what ladies - no surprise coming here, but 3 weeks after he moved out, myself and the children found his 29 yr old girlfriend in his flat.

Obviously devastating for us. The children will never forget this.

I thought we were having a bad patch, but not this bad. But maybe, on reflection, without knowing about the 'girlfriend' did think a bit of time apart might be the best thing.

Anyway, what I really need to know about is what does child maintenance actually consist of? Our situation averages out per week as 4 nights with me, 3 nights with him. But I also pick up from school every night (& look after) and will also be looking after in school hols, as I work term time.

Based on his income of 20k a year he needs to pay 146 pounds a month - but surely this doesn't mean that this is his whole contribution to all clothes, food, house, bills etc... or does it?

I'm not trying to screw (the cheating bastard) him, but also want to make sure I get what I'm entitled to. Before the kids I had a better paid job. Did the usual Mum thing and lost her career etc...

What are other people's experiences?

Thanks in advance for anyone who replies.

Most solicitors offer a free/reduced first session, you can see more than one and get a free session at each.

I'd stop doing pick up on his nights and get another job if I were you. He's having them overnight to keep his CMS low but not having the inconvenience of sorting childcare or having to rearrange his work. Sod that for a game of soldiers.

Oh god THIS. So, so this.

And stop apologising for using the forum or not knowing how to do things on here quite yet - that's what it's here for!

Horrible time for you and hopefully you can find some support on here from people who have gone through similar

I'm so sorry that all this is happening OP, it's so unfair.
But yes it seems that the required payment is what you say, and is based in large part on his income.
For example, if you use the govt Child Maintenance Calculator but use a scenario of similar overnights, bur only 1 child and an income of £40k, it says £169/month.

Apologies if you have done this but there may be other benefits you can claim. Have you applied for universal credit?

How the fuck is anyone supposed to support 2 children on £146 pm? It's a bloody steak dinner! And men (yes men who are the majority of non-resident parents) still have the gall to complain about being shafted when it comes to maintenance. I would love to swan off and pay £146 for everything to cover my kids expenses.

The system is broken.

I'm sorry OP.

If hes giving you £146 per month as per calculations / court order etc but you want him to contribute to clothes/ uniforms /school trips etc. on top of that money...

How much money are you giving him? you've stated its 50/50, no?\youll get 50% of all joint assets (house/car/pensions/savings etc)

Just because you have the majority custody doesn't necessarily mean youll be entitled to more than 50% of assets either. If your're in scotland its 50/50 no matter what argument you front.

Would you prefer he stayed with you , and be miserable for the sake of the kids- and just pretend for the next 18 years?

I think it is very unlikely spousal would be awarded if OP's husband earns 20k a year. OP you need some legal advice as depending if you own a house or not you may need to figure out next steps. He is on a low wage really, but should be dealing with kid related expenses when he has them and a decent parent would also help with uniform etc.

My friend with similar circumstances was expected to work and they sold the house as she couldn't buy him out. Better to get your advice and sort stuff out while he may still feel guilty

So sorry this is happening to you, OP. It must be awful for you.

I understand that it is hard for you not seeing your children, but as long as you know he is looking after them properly, it will get easier. It's too early yet, but you make the effort to take advantage of the times they are not with you, either to work, see friends or take up a hobby.

And your children probably will forgive him in the end and that is usually for the best.

Oh darling, so many of us have been where you are, you will get nothing but sympathy and help here. But, may I suggest you get this moved to the Relationships board? Or one of us (old!) regulars can ask for it to be done for you, as you will get more support there.

If thats all they say he has to pay then yes, thats it. He can choose to contribute more but chances are he wont. Base your finances on what you can provide yourself, ignore the maintenance. Please please do this because otherwise you will find yourself choosing between the rent or feeding the kids when he decides he cant afford it this month....trust me...been there done that.

I agree with binning off doing all the pick ups. His day, his problem. You work the days that he has them, end of. I had a big issue with my ex on this, he seemed to think that after trying to kill me (seriously)I would still facilitate his job. Errr... no! Get more hours, or a second job or anything, but on his day he does pick ups. Do not back down on this.

And you havent "lost" those years to a 29 year old.

He threw them away because he is a pathetic mid life crisis cliche on legs.

You found out that you were married to a cheating lying prick and escaped. The 29 year old will find out soon enough what a "prize" she has won. Poor cow has no idea what a complete arsehole she has allowed into her life.

And... again... @BarbedBloom is right, get as much nailed down (in writing or email) now while he is feeling guilty as you can. As soon as he stops feeling bad, all the goodwill will stop. Rinse the bastard now while you can.

It's awful, but in the case of my own father, he gave my mother absolutely nothing!

So whilst she was working her a$$ off in a job she hated, whilst furthering her education at college, to get back into the workforce, (she had always been a stay at home mum on his orders), he was at the pub every night, different women in and out of his life, not turning up for court mandated access visits, not only for him, but my grandparents etc...

Your children will never forget how he had treated you all, and whilst they may maintain a relationship with him, either now or in the future, I can pretty much guarantee that they won't have any respect for him!

£146 a month? Try working that out, weekly. £146 divided by 4.3 is what? £34 a week, and that's enough is it? I expect it helps towards childcare costs. Feeding, clothing? The eternal sleepless nights, when the DC's are unwell? It's less than £5 a day.

You go girl

Less than £5 a day, for two children?

I get £0 a day from my ex as apparently he had worked enough years and wanted to go part time so couldnt afford maintenance.

As I said, base your entire financial projection on what you yourself can provide, its the only way you will survive and not have the day I have tomorrow (well, today) which is choosing between paying the mortgage or paying the debt collector for the council tax and going food shopping.

You poor thing. Sorry. Understand you wanting to see the children on "his days" right now, so inadvertently making things easy for him. Can you make him get and pay for a child minder to pick them up from school and then you get them after an hour with the child minder and bring them to your place to "save" him an hour and then you see them, he has to pick up from you but most importantly he has to pay child minder (so stops getting away with logging nights so doesn't have to pay much monthly, but without the inconvenience of having to pick them up)? It sounds like a game but I'm trying to think of a way you can sensibly comply with PP's many suggestions to stop making it easy for him to screw you, and for you to see the kids which right now, you really want to do....

Also, second the suggestion to get everything nailed down in emails, text, legal document right now because chances are he'll be way more reluctant later.

And yes, contributions over and above the monthly 146 are discretionary.

FallenAngel01
Yes - one of the biggest contributors to child poverty (and the welfare load on taxpayers) is fathers essentially being enabled by law to swan off to indulge their fantasies while women (whose earning power is often far less than the men's) are left carrying the can.

I'd stop doing pick up on his nights and get another job if I were you. He's having them overnight to keep his CMS low but not having the inconvenience of sorting childcare or having to rearrange his work. Sod that for a game of soldiers

This^^

He will change his tune when the problem of finding and paying someone to pick up the children on his days is his to deal with. You are probably far cheaper even with an EOW plus Wednesdays for dinner schedule.

You might be able to get some extra work in if he wasn't using you for free childcare.

ithink you should ask.get some strength.whats hes giving you is for maintaining your kids.but if things come up,trips uniform bigger events happening then i would say that is extra.
dont be confrontational. just say the kids have a big trip or their uniform is beign outgrown so could he help with that as its obviously extra to their usual everyday costs.
im sorry he has done this.if he has done this then hes a dick.and you are best free of him.and i know that is always said in these situations and it doesnt help ease your pain right now.but its always said because its always true.

Don’t do his pick ups.

Say he can have them overnight but he must do the pick ups.

I put my money on choosing the option of less overnights. He will then have to pay more maintenance and you will see the kids more.

It will still work out cheaper for him but it’s better for you and the children. They can still see him every other wknd. X

In your shoes I’d get your solicitor to say that as circumstances have changed and that your £148 Cm contributions are not going to cover the cost of living, you will be forced to find alternative employment to cover the shortfall. Therefore in order to do this you will be expecting to have the children Sunday 0900 until Thursday 0900. That all drop-off, pick-ups, phone calls from school regarding Illness or injury, as well as school holidays will be his responsibility. If he cannot commit due to his work requirements then contact will be EOW or he can pay more maintenance to maintain the status quo.

And if he doesn’t like it he can take you to court.

It's so shit. I get £13 a week and he has no contact.

You asked for experiences:

I didn't take any money from my husband when we separated and later divorced because I didn't want our son around the people, including women, he was hanging around with. Not taking money from him and consequently his worry about the unpaid child support payments adding up, gave me the upper hand and he never was in a position to demand our son for weekends etc.

I never took a dime off my ex and I live in the U.S. which doesn't have the safety net the UK does for single parents. Also, I had no relatives at all here in the US - except my son.

Your ex earns so little per year and thats why the maintenance is low. If you are a low earner check if you can get any benefits.

Mustangs, he could have demanded visitation even without payment, and a court would have agreed unless he was an axe murderer. Visitation is not done on a quid pro quo basis in the US.