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Original poster

19 years lost to a 29 year old

158 replies

BrighterShades · 30/01/2020 23:10

Straight away - sorry to be a burden and despite never really using this message forum, want to now use it for support. But..... really would appreciate some advice.

Would really appreciate some advice/info from those with previous experience. V. briefly my husband and partner of 19 yrs has recently left me (2 kids, 7 & 9). Repeatedly said he 'just didn't love me'. Guess what ladies - no surprise coming here, but 3 weeks after he moved out, myself and the children found his 29 yr old girlfriend in his flat.

Obviously devastating for us. The children will never forget this.

I thought we were having a bad patch, but not this bad. But maybe, on reflection, without knowing about the 'girlfriend' did think a bit of time apart might be the best thing.

Anyway, what I really need to know about is what does child maintenance actually consist of? Our situation averages out per week as 4 nights with me, 3 nights with him. But I also pick up from school every night (& look after) and will also be looking after in school hols, as I work term time.

Based on his income of 20k a year he needs to pay 146 pounds a month - but surely this doesn't mean that this is his whole contribution to all clothes, food, house, bills etc... or does it?

I'm not trying to screw (the cheating bastard) him, but also want to make sure I get what I'm entitled to. Before the kids I had a better paid job. Did the usual Mum thing and lost her career etc...

What are other people's experiences?

Thanks in advance for anyone who replies.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 31/01/2020 12:29

can never understand why some women are attracted to men who are willing to leave a young family

I don't understand this view point at all. I see no reason if a relationship has broken down and you no longer love your partner why you should stay and be miserable, much better to split and co parent and both have a chance of happiness. This you need to stay for the kids is just a fantasy, it simply breeds resentment and is deeply unhealthy.

And he didn't leave his kids. He has them nearly half the time. It is the op he sadly left.

This guy is a low earner. He has to house himself like the op, pay for the kids nearly half the time. There is a potential that with benefits, as the op doesn't work, she may have more income than him.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 31/01/2020 12:32

@Bluntness101 yeah but in this case it's likely the husband was having an affair, given that he had a new girlfriend 3 weeks after the split. It's not good parenting to have a new partner in your kid's lives so quickly.

glitterfarts · 31/01/2020 12:35

For PP who asked, I think in Australia, the NRP is assessed on capacity to earn. So if he had a $100k job and quit so he didn't have to pay the ex, he is still charged CM as though he earned that.

And it becomes his debt. And the debt continues after the youngest is 18, much to the dismay of the self employed who earned £££££ before a split, £ whilst kids were young and magically ££££££ again after the child is 18....

Bluntness100 · 31/01/2020 12:38

Agree it's not good parenting he had someone else, but that's very different to saying he left his kids. He didn't.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 31/01/2020 13:26

I can never understand why some women are attracted to men who are willing to leave a young family

THIS ^

RebelWithVerySharpClaws · 31/01/2020 17:18

OP so sorry that this rat has left you and your children, hopefully you will all eventually be much happier without him. I have been stunned reading about CM on this thread - who the fuck knew? And who are these bastard men who run out on their children and pay such a pittance. They should be made to work second jobs by law, in order to ensure the children that they have fathered have enough financial contribution to their welfare. Honestly, these men make me spit.

doritosdip · 31/01/2020 17:49

I hope you haven't agreed to Monday-Thursday with you and Friday-Sunday with him.

You are enabling his crapness by not having him organise his own time off for school holidays and pick ups/drop offs. If he's responsible for 3 nights then on his days he needs to pay childcare and do the pick up and drop off. With half term coming up he should pay for childcare for his days. I think that you should consider charging him for holiday childcare. It doesn't need to be market rate but you'd be able to entertain the kids and he'd save money.

Don't forget that he needs to buy shoes, clothes, uniform etc for his home. Some shady ex-partners will try and make the RP pay for it all but maintenance is for stuff that they need when they are with you and the stuff that they need when they are with him need to be funded by him as an extra

TheresGotToBeMoreToLife · 31/01/2020 17:59

My ex husband pays £130 for our children. Its laughable really. My childcare is around £850 a month and that's before we even leave the house. Theres food, clothing, shoes, uniforms, school trips, school dinners, school milk, parties, gifts, days out, swimming lessons etc, special milk for my dairy-intolerany toddler. Their dad's £130 doesnt even touch the sides.

ToBreatheAgain · 31/01/2020 18:22

@Purplewithred Either don't do the pickups or negotiate additional maintenance for doing the pickups. If he had to do them he’d have to lose working hours or pay someone, you shouldn’t do it for free. Also, with the benefit of expensive hindsight, start off how you mean to go on - make it clear you expect him to provide clothes, toys, emergency school cover etc on his days and enforce that from the start.

I understand why you want to see the kids on his days. But I think this is good advice. If you're going to look after the kids on his afternoons then he should be paying for that. I hope the split of time with kids gives you one weekend day or eow. Something like Sunday morning to Thursday morning, then he does Thur night to Sunday morning. Another option might be to say you're happy to do pick ups but only if he has them two nights a week instead of 3, so say you have them Saturday evening till Thursday morning instead. And you do all school pick ups. If he wants you to do pick up and after school care on his days he needs to pay for that because it limits your ability to work and earn.

copperoliver · 31/01/2020 19:20

Screw the cheating bastard for all you can get. Tell him when they need shoes clothes ect you will expect him to pay half. See what he says.
I would not let him have them as much as 3 days a week either.
Never have him back. You're better off without him. X

copperoliver · 31/01/2020 19:22

Maybe see if you can get tax credits or something too x

zsazsajuju · 01/02/2020 08:07

I agree with bluntness. He didn’t leave the kids. He did leave the op which must be awful. But for the sake of the kids it’s better not to get tied up in hate or using the kids as pawns. Not suggesting you are doing so op - quite the opposite. But some pps suggestions are pretty damaging.

My father had an affair and tbh I ended up disliking my mother more because of all her screaming about “that whore” and using us kids as pawns. Best to act like an adult and a good parent.

Verily1 · 01/02/2020 10:09

You realise that once he has a new family with his dp his maintenance amount due will drop/ stop?

Teafortwohundred · 01/02/2020 10:26

It’s a lottery isn’t it. A friend of mine gets £850 a month for her two. Clearly the better earner you choose in life protects you if the shit hits the fan.

BlokeTarget · 02/02/2020 21:45

@copperoliver yeahhh you can’t legally do that if he’s paying maintenance by court order or voluntarily.

It’s a % of disposable income.

What do you actually think Mainteneance is for? Plus- it’s decided by the courts so no amount of ‘I’ll buy the kids loads kids stuff anyway and expect him to pay half” is utter pig headedness.

copperoliver · 02/02/2020 21:56

@BlokeTarget
I just think the maintenance it's enough. Kids cost far more than that and just because he's decided to play away the women has to pay out far more than him instead of half each each as it should be. He'd pay more than that if he was living there. X

BlokeTarget · 03/02/2020 00:55

@copperoliver I see what you mean.

So what you’re saying is, the court system hasn’t properly means tested the maintenance payment calculation at all- and for years men have been getting away with paying way under the actual costs of raising a child?

Interesting concept- so by the same token the old CSA Mainteneance payments too didn’t take into account any of the extra things either?

Strange. I would have thought they’d make dads who play away pay way over the odds extra as punishment. Like a cheating tax.

If it doesn’t cover the things you speak of- in your opinion, what does it cover? Basic human needs like
Heat?
Light?
Shelter ?
Food?
Water?
Clothing ?

I’m just asking what you think it should cover.

Because the courts probably have done some research into this and don’t pluck a figure out of thin air.

I’m guessing you’re the sort of person that feels the dad should not only pay child maintenance, but also pay the mortgage too. Why stop there?

If I were that dad being forced to pay both: no way on earth I’d move out.

longestlurkerever · 03/02/2020 08:54

The thing is that this amount of maintenance is calculated on residence being almost 50-50, so the expenses ought to be almost 50-50 too, otherwise he's playing the system. He should only get to count his nights as affecting maintenance if he adopts the expenses of those nights too, including school expenses, childcare etc.

copperoliver · 03/02/2020 11:52

@BlokeTarget
I'm not saying that at all,I don't feel he should pay for everything I'm just saying I don't think £146 a month for 2 children is enough to cover all their needs.
I'm entitled to my opinion. X

doritosdip · 03/02/2020 13:01

What longest said.

Say Thursday is a Dad day. On a school day, he would be responsible from after school Thursday until Friday drop off. He would pay for after school childcare if he can't pick up at 3:30 and he'd pay and cook their dinner and bathe them.
If it's not a school day and he's due at work, he'd have to pay for childcare during the day, pick them up and feed them etc

This Dad is taking advantage. 1/4 of the year (13 weeks) is school holidays and OP is looking after them during school
holidays thus saving him lots of money but costing her extra. He should morally pay her extra to feed and entertain them. It doesn't have to be the market rate of childcare but it would be the right thing to do morally.

The Dad is also having OP pick the kids up on his days and picking them up from hers to have overnight. If he can't pick them up after school or after after-school care then he shouldn't be having them that night. He is cheating the system and op.

BlokeTarget · 03/02/2020 22:42

@copperoliver no, you’re not at all are you

“Screw the cheating bastard for all you can get. Tell him when they need shoes clothes ect you will expect him to pay half”

”don't feel he should pay for everything I'm just saying I don't think £146 a month for 2 children is enough to cover all their needs.”

So, which is it ? Hmm

copperoliver · 03/02/2020 23:45

@BlokeTarget
Both
He is a cheating bastard and still should want to pay more than £146 per month for his 2 children.
If they need shoes, clothes ect on top of money he pays which doesn't cover a lot, he should want to pay half so his children do not have to go with out, just because he had an affair.
If he was living there he'd pay a lot more so I don't see the problem with him paying half for extras they need £146 does not cover a lot. X

BlokeTarget · 05/02/2020 23:19

@copperoliver.

Interesting opinion. The courts seem to disagree with that theory sadly.

If the court have worked out a disposable income percentage, then he’d be using his disposable income to pay for things if he was staying at home in the relationship?

Or would he magically find more disposable income?

What would you say was a reasonable amount he should pay then- £500 a month per child so the mother doesn’t have to pay for anything?

SleightOfMind · 06/02/2020 00:59

Don’t make the DC into a tool to punish him with.
If you can pick up from school on his nights and he’s working then that’s fine.
If things change for you work wise then of course he’ll have to do it but there’s no reason to be petty if the only people it will affect is the DC.

managedmis · 06/02/2020 01:30

Just a sec. £146 per month? 2 kids cost a hell of a lot more than that. How come he (gets away with /can live with himself?) pays so little?

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