19 years lost to a 29 year old

[BrighterShades]

Straight away - sorry to be a burden and despite never really using this message forum, want to now use it for support. But..... really would appreciate some advice.

Would really appreciate some advice/info from those with previous experience. V. briefly my husband and partner of 19 yrs has recently left me (2 kids, 7 & 9). Repeatedly said he 'just didn't love me'. Guess what ladies - no surprise coming here, but 3 weeks after he moved out, myself and the children found his 29 yr old girlfriend in his flat.

Obviously devastating for us. The children will never forget this.

I thought we were having a bad patch, but not this bad. But maybe, on reflection, without knowing about the 'girlfriend' did think a bit of time apart might be the best thing.

Anyway, what I really need to know about is what does child maintenance actually consist of? Our situation averages out per week as 4 nights with me, 3 nights with him. But I also pick up from school every night (& look after) and will also be looking after in school hols, as I work term time.

Based on his income of 20k a year he needs to pay 146 pounds a month - but surely this doesn't mean that this is his whole contribution to all clothes, food, house, bills etc... or does it?

I'm not trying to screw (the cheating bastard) him, but also want to make sure I get what I'm entitled to. Before the kids I had a better paid job. Did the usual Mum thing and lost her career etc...

What are other people's experiences?

Thanks in advance for anyone who replies.

Hello OP. I’ve been in the same situation except my 45 year exH left us for a 26 year old. You cannot make him realise what he has done. It won’t even cross his mind. He has moved on to his new life and is excited etc. In hindsight I wish I hadn’t made it so easy for my ExH by doing all of the school pick ups etc. But now they are 17 and 15 (10 years later) I have a really close relationship with my kids and he is like an uncle rather than a father.

Surely you can apply for tax credits as now you’re a single parent?

He's having them overnight to keep his CMS low

You have absolutely no basis to make this assumption.

He will be feeding and clothing them 50% of the time

He probably won't! The DM will be the one doing the clothes shopping and I'd bet before long the DCs are picked up after and dropped off before mealtimes. Women's work. So wrong.

Ask him how he wants to split food and clothing - tell him that you are happy to do the work choosing and buying the clothes and buying and cooking the food but you will need him to pay 50% of it an you are happy to provide him with receipts. Frame it in a positive way. Otherwise he'll need to buy his share of the clothes they need and provide you with the food to feed them when you pick them up on his days.

Don't listen to the people telling you not to do the pick ups - I know in your situation I would want to see my kids as often as I could even if it was doing their scumbag father a favour. No point in cutting off your nose to spite your face and you really can't put a price on a good parenting relationship with him - you will want to do swaps etc in the future.

I get £500pm from my ex for one child but he is on a £50k salary. He has our DS approximately 3 or 4 nights a month due to his irregular shift pattern so we both think it's fair that he pays me so much. Exh pays for everything when he has DS at his house - If DS is with him on a day that he has his swimming lesson then my ex will take him and pay for the lesson. None of this moaning that "I pay maintenance so I shouldn't have to pay any more" nonsense.

What my ex does should be the norm (obviously maintenance will be different depending on salary). Some of the shit some NRPs get away with disgusts me.

I get nothing most months and my ex earns over 50k. I do sympathise op but he is on a low income and the reality is that once his living expenses are covered there will not be much left. Two households are way more expensive than one. That’s not to say he shouldn’t pay more voluntarily- I would do anything to ensure my dds have enough (but then I’m a woman).

Look into universal credit to see if you can get a top up there.

Yes, as everyone has said, it is based on where the child actually sleeps that night regardless of who does what care in the day. Stop doing, his runarounds on his nights and let him see if he can keep it up.
Also he doesn't have to spend anything else if you are the majority carer - similar situation and split, I pay all school meals, buy all clothes (apart from the Disney Dad fancy brand trainers he's happy to buy [hmn], all school trips etc. There's nothing I can do if he doesn't feel morally obliged - in fact if asked he has always said "ask your mum, I give her money for that" as if he's doing it out of the good of his heart or something!

If you could work 16 hours a week you can claim working families tax credits which would be better than Universal credits.

As other said, try to get it all ironed out in writing while he is feeling slightly guilty.
He's used to your wife work and he expects you to continue to facilitate his life.
Once things get settled, work on training or whatever you need to get yourself a well paid career. Then it won't matter what he does or doesn't do as you won't be dependent on it. Not sure what you did before but a lot of online training these days to update your skills.

I agree with others about not picking up the kids on his days. I’m hesitant to use the word ‘game’ here but actually it is a case of playing the long game- he pays out for childcare on his days, very possibly realises fairly quickly that wraparound care adds up (and holiday care) and decides on having them less time so you have them more and get to spend more time with them. The CMS payments will also go up (won’t be much as he’s not on a big wage) but most importantly you will have more time with your children which I’m guessing you and them are used to.

Your kids are upset now as are you and that’s ok and normal. But they will get over this and they won’t hold it against their dad forever. And that’s a good thing. My mum encouraged me to hate my dad for years for leaving her for another woman. And it worked for a long time. It wasn’t until I had my own baby in my early 20s that I thawed. A lot of wasted years. My own children go to their dad every other weekend (court ordered despite him abusing me sexually, physically and mentally and emotionally abusing the children) and it’s hard at times but I don’t want my kids to hate their dad. Not for his sake but for theirs. I don’t want them to have to deal with those feelings.

Give yourself time and be nice to yourself. You will be so much happier now he’s gone and you’re not wasting your time on him anymore.

@calllaaalllaaammma OP does work, she said so in her first post. You can't make new claims for working tax credits, it's all universal credit now.

£146 is about a weeks food shopping for 2 hungry teenage boys. What about the money for the gas, electric, school uniforms ..... the other 3 weeks of the month?

Makes you sick, doesn't it?

Op if you work you'll get tax credits or universal credit plus child benefit. This is what I live on. As the children got older I worked more hours. Ex did start paying child maintenance eventually but as others have said I don't count on it.

Christ. Reading this thread is an eye opener. For anyone who doubts the need to be a feminist... Look how much of a mans world we live in!!!

Im so sorry OP. For what its worth... I grew up in similar circumstances - father left for younger woman. Had child w her. They were VERY comfortable. Us not so much. Mom did and paid for vast majority of everything. And as an adult, I could kiss my mom everyday for what she did. Her kids adore her. She is our hero. The 'dad'? Well the younger woman left him for someone.... Younger. He squandered his money on women and alcohol. And is now old and lonely and tolerated and pitied. You reap what you sow.

@ItsAllTheDramaMickIJustLoveIt what a great post. Clear you ve had a rough time. But what a fantastic mom you are. My mom was the same. Father a rat bag, but she never said a bad word and trued to facilitate a relationship w him for our sakes. Children do see wood for trees eventually, no matter what.

It does make you sick. I have never had a penny from Dd1 dad and Dd2 dad currently gives £24 a month through the CMS. I made shit men decisions!! I am sure when she turns 18 in a few years he will get a better job.
I get by by working full time in NHS and have another job two nights a week.
Tough going but I wouldn't change it now.

I'm so very sorry this happened to you. It absolutely sucks. You invest so much in someone and they completely disregard it and do the oh so very cliched scenario. Please don't be a victim of it. I realise how hard it is but please do your best to turn it on its head and win in being the better person. I haven't explained it well. But life can be shit. Don't let him make your life shit. Just don't.

The problem is it goes off the nights they stay. If he actually did everything on those 3 days, bought clothes for his house, took to and from school, made packed lunches for school, paid 50% of costs such as uniforms, school trips, activities etc etc... Then I'd say the maintenance was okay for the extra day a week you have them. But sadly what tends to happen is mum still does all of the above and the kids just sleepover at dads.

I can never understand why some women are attracted to men who are willing to leave a young family

Are you working this out on the basis of him doing 3 nights a week? If so, you need to recalculate and work out how many nights on average per week, taking into account that you do school holidays.

And yes you can ask him for more. He doesn’t have to give you any, but you can certainly ask. He should be paying for childcare (if any) on “his” days at least.

Not helpful, Vulpine. She's been with him for 20 years, she's done everything the way she's supposed to. This is a man failing, enabled by a misogynist state.

Christ. Reading this thread is an eye opener. For anyone who doubts the need to be a feminist... Look how much of a mans world we live in!!! This.

The system is utter shit. A friends husband did this. He’s giving her hardly anything for 3 DC (2 teenagers), he comes round to her house once every 2 weeks to see them, that’s the extent of his “contact”. I’ve said to her to go through the CMS but she says he might ask for more contact which is his right.

I pity the children in the middle of these messes. We need a new fair system.

'd stop doing pick up on his nights and get another job if I were you. He's having them overnight to keep his CMS low but not having the inconvenience of sorting childcare or having to rearrange his work. Sod that for a game of soldiers.

This - he's doing everything he has to to make his life easier. And as redastherose has also said- one day you'll see how lucky you were that he left.

At the moment you're in turmoil, and worrying abut your DCs, and how you will manage, but if you stop making it easy for him (ie let him do his own pick ups/drop offs, make sure he sticks to his "half" during the school holidays) it will free you up a lot to look for work.

He's a wankstain - wash your hands of him.

^This

Op you ask if you can ask him for more. You can ask him for anything uou want, the real question is does he need to give it to uou and the answer is no. He only needs to give the 146. However you can ask for anything, including the moon on a plate. I'm sorry.