Can a relationship turn emotionally abusive after a few years?

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Regular here. Name changed because I don't want to be outed by friends. Just that really. Has it happened to any of you? Things were great early on but we rushed things and some of the very very small pale red flags now seem a little bigger and brighter a few years and one DC later. But I'm still not even sure it's emotionally abusive per se. It's not the usual things like controlling money or outright put downs. It's subtle things that I'm only just really seeing and not dismissing. I'm just not sure if my gut is oversensitive (and it can be due to anxiety/depression that's well controlled but still there from time to time) and maybe it's just a bad dip in the relationship due to having a full on toddler and some life stressor this year. Did any of you ever have a realisation after a year or two?

A small example is H having an issue with my history if it's ever come up. I've only had a few relationships and slept with under 15 people and he only knows of a few but he, on those rare occasions it comes up, does make me feel bad about it intentionally. Which I brush off obviously because its ridiculous.

And earlier in the year I was very unwell and sectioned due to a freak breakdown. It was a one off and I've been perfectly fine since but if we have a bit of an argument Ill say I'm going to clear my head by getting a coffee or going for a walk and he's blocked the door once or twice because he says he thinks ill go kill myself. Maybe that ones on me but it feels controlling.

What I mean is, that feels like gaslighting and like he's using my MH against me so I can't escape the situation. It's only happened maybe 2 or 3 times since the summer but it's irked me each time. Obviously he's got great sides to him or I wouldn't be in this situation or only just wondering if some of this is a bit... Off. And I wonder if I'm difficult myself and maybe don't see it.

Has anyone ever gone through a phase where they worried their relationship might be toxic or low key abusive and its passed or turned out to just be a bad phase?

There are other things that worry me a bit but I can't tell from this close up if it's just me overthinking things or not.

'There are other things that worry me a bit but I can't tell from this close up if it's just me overthinking things or not.'

-Please go on. xx

From what you've written it's hard to tell.
He may have been seriously worried about you when you were unwell and this is his way of dealing with it.
Have you spoken to him about it when not in the moment ?

Do you think that he is purposely using your MH against you? Or do you think it's possible that he is genuinely fearful of not being there in the event that you were suicidal? While it could be controlling behaviour, if he is genuinely concerned it could be that he feels out of control.

I didn't phrase that very well. When I said "that he feels out of control", I more meant that he feels helpless and is desperately trying to gain some control of the situation, not of you.

Nah hes worried on your walk your gna kill yourself. If your not well you wint see his concern. Ring your cpn and ask for a visit and discuss these concerns

These are just examples out of context of his general behaviour, which isnt awful.

I bought a new dress to go out for my birthday on Saturday. It did look nice. I'm big but it suited me and it was low-cut ish although not in your face or anything. He "jokingly" said 'oo don't cheat on me' a few times before I left. It's not the first time he's "joked" about it before I've gone out. But he does say I look nice and all that.

And there's just the odd comment. Like I cried on my birthday because of my weight (I'm losing it now after coming off some strong mh medication) he said its almost like I planned to cry (because I'd joked before that I always get emotional on my birthday). I was already very upset so it wasn't necessary to rub salt in the wound. But that couldve just been me being ott at the time because I was already crying etc.

The bigger issue is that when I try to talk about relationship issues we're having he gets so defensive that it's not worth it and now I just don't broach things unless it's really essential but it feels shitty.

I don't have a cpn. Im not that kind of unwell. I haven't been for months and before that I hadn't been for years.

I've spoken to him twice after the fact and said I'd never just go off and kill myself. And ive been fine for months. I wouldn't just randomly kill myself. And that I need to take the breather so I don't say anything too harsh in the moment and to collect my thoughts.

He says it's justified because how could he know.

Doesn't sound abusive to me from your examples, just maybe that he's worried about you, and maybe a little insecure. Character flaw maybe but I pe so ally wouldn't see it as a huge red flag. He sounds human

When I say human I mean not perfect

I've had to drop all male friends because it's not worth the hassle. Because of course I "must have shaggged them" or want to or they want to sleep with me.

It's tricky because he's quite mellow and OK the rest of the time. I'm having issues with him ignoring our youngest too much in favour of the computer but that's another thread!

OK. Thanks for the feedback.

I wouldn't trust him. Why don't you keep a diary (somewhere safe!)

Haven't read the whole thread but yes, my stbxh had a complete personality transplant.

It’s hard to say OP from your examples but to answer your title yes, I’ve been in a relationship where the first 2-3 years were pretty blissful with only a few bumps along the way.

I caught him in a lie one day and it caused irreparable damage to our relationship. Then he met someone else and from that point on his behaviour worsened and he became evil personified. Looking back there were red flags even during the first few years but I’d never been in an emotionally abusive relationship before so didn’t really recognise them as a red flags.

Just be careful with him. Behaviour can change quite rapidly.

He doesn't sound controlling or abusive to me.

Hmm maybe. I have 2 instagram accounts. One for my main one and one for my hobby. He noticed yesterday and asked why and seemed to be really convinced I was up to something dodgy when its clearly a hobby page, not some secret page to message people on or anything. Maybe he's just a bit insecure from things happening in other relationships. I have asked over the last few years as a response to his funny questions about my history or me cheating but he refuses to discuss any exes so I can't be sure but it seems likely.

I can see 2 separate issues here.

1, he has trust/control issues, why mention the cheating etc

2, you had a breakdown which you were sectioned for, that’s not a light issue and I can only imagine who fragile, anxious or egg shell walking that could be for your partner, have you talked about it much since?

I don't know - he sounds pretty controlling to me

• getting upset about people you slept with before you met him
• "joking" about you cheating everytime you go out
• making you drop friends
• using your MH against you and as a reason to prevent you from leaving the house when you want to

You you feel that he is isolating you? Trying to make you more dependent on him?

This is abuse. It is very clear. He makes you feel bad about your past. Big red flag. Dropping male friends because it's a hassle - also big red flag.

In any case, it clearly makes you feel uncomfortable, listen to your inner voice.

Good luck OP

Thanks. Sorry I know the info isn't much to go off. Im trying not to be biased in the way I write it.

We're having other issues where he's out of work and really reluctant to go back but I can't leave him to be a sahd as he's just not great full time with our youngest (he's suspected sn and needs a lot of input and H is a bit obsessed with gaming so his pc is on most of the day while he does something). I doubt that extra stressor is helping either of us.

Your first few posts seemed like he could just genuinely be concerned. The latter posts suggest he's being controlling.

lenny we've discused it lots. I've had therapy too as I was undiagnosed and unmedicated (it was bipolar but I had no idea). He generally says he's not worried about it anymore and that it was hard at the time but it's in the past etc. Maybe that's not 100% honest. I could broach it again I suppose.

Ah sorry. I'm not trying to drop feed. I don't want to be identified so I'm just a bit unsure how much to share for the full picture without being outed.