Can a relationship turn emotionally abusive after a few years?

[Lastreng91]

Regular here. Name changed because I don't want to be outed by friends. Just that really. Has it happened to any of you? Things were great early on but we rushed things and some of the very very small pale red flags now seem a little bigger and brighter a few years and one DC later. But I'm still not even sure it's emotionally abusive per se. It's not the usual things like controlling money or outright put downs. It's subtle things that I'm only just really seeing and not dismissing. I'm just not sure if my gut is oversensitive (and it can be due to anxiety/depression that's well controlled but still there from time to time) and maybe it's just a bad dip in the relationship due to having a full on toddler and some life stressor this year. Did any of you ever have a realisation after a year or two?

A small example is H having an issue with my history if it's ever come up. I've only had a few relationships and slept with under 15 people and he only knows of a few but he, on those rare occasions it comes up, does make me feel bad about it intentionally. Which I brush off obviously because its ridiculous.

And earlier in the year I was very unwell and sectioned due to a freak breakdown. It was a one off and I've been perfectly fine since but if we have a bit of an argument Ill say I'm going to clear my head by getting a coffee or going for a walk and he's blocked the door once or twice because he says he thinks ill go kill myself. Maybe that ones on me but it feels controlling.

What I mean is, that feels like gaslighting and like he's using my MH against me so I can't escape the situation. It's only happened maybe 2 or 3 times since the summer but it's irked me each time. Obviously he's got great sides to him or I wouldn't be in this situation or only just wondering if some of this is a bit... Off. And I wonder if I'm difficult myself and maybe don't see it.

Has anyone ever gone through a phase where they worried their relationship might be toxic or low key abusive and its passed or turned out to just be a bad phase?

Who cleaned the egg up? If you did his passive aggressiveness being passed off as "just joking" is starting to turn dark

I was supposed to. I went and sat upstairs because the whole thing shocked me as it was out of nowhere. He'd cleaned it up an hour later.

I don't mean shocked as in scared. Just as in, wtaf just happened. How did that turn into that. If that makes sense.

It was more confusing that he seemed fine and the whole thing was ignored completely after that like it never happened. Maybe it wasn't a big deal and he was just mucking around. Even though that's gross. But I swear he was suddenly seething when he did it.

That's how it works OP. That's exactly the insidious way these guys operate.

I don't mean shocked as in scared. Just as in, wtaf just happened. How did that turn into that. If that makes sense.

And that right there is exactly why this is abuse.

You will get lots of good advice here OP. I'd say take a deep breath and let yourself learn and absorb from the MN wisdom.

Ducks in a row
Run like the wind.

You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Do not let this vile man crush you. Good luck and God speed.

I can see how it looks bad pics I think for context I should say he isn't very close to his family. He likes them but would happily see them once a year. He can't understand why I'm so close to my mum. He'd never share stuff with his. His dad was violent to him as a kid but has "apologised" during his teen years and they have contact now. Still, all quite limited.

It was more confusing that he seemed fine and the whole thing was ignored completely after that like it never happened. Maybe it wasn't a big deal and he was just mucking around. Even though that's gross. But I swear he was suddenly seething when he did it.

If you had/do bring it up he will turn it on you. Your fault, only joking, you made him do it. He's itching for a fight.

He is baiting you.

Regret mentioning the egg thing on here.

Like an abused woman who self-censors what she tells her friends and family, you regret telling us this because you really do understand what that moment meant. There's just no way to make it not controlling, coercive and abusive.

Thanks Tubby - I do just feel confused. Because we seem to be having mini arguments or tense moments that are appearing out of thin air when I thought we were OK. But he swears that hes OK and nothing is wrong. And he loves me and all that and he's just grump because he's ill or didnt sleep or gamed late etc.

And he is very romantic, sometimes. Gah. I just hyper vigilent at the moment after some of the latest comments and this kitchen incident and stuff.

I was expecting to be told the egg thing was likely my fault for playing along. Adults shouldn't play fight/tease and all that. It really is honestly usually a total joke though. No weird undercurrent. Then that happened. I could ask him about it. I'd be interested to see what he says. We haven't spoken about it at all.

He did say of you don't take it back ill drop the egg BTW. But he was smiling and laughing and sang it like a song. So I just laughed (I was also cooking for us both at that moment and looking at the pan as well as him). Then he threw the egg down (rather than a drop) and walked out. Ugh maybe I should forget the egg thing and focus on the comments and getting out more to see my family.

God sorry I type absolute essays

Is the egg the first thing he has thrown? Does he slam about when in his grumps?

Today an egg on the floor. Next week/month a mug 'tossed' in your general direction? After that?

I don;t like this egg thing at all. I think your instincts are screaming at you.

I've just tried to post my link for the PDF copy of Why Does He Do That but I'm getting an error result. Hopefully someone is reading that has a current link for it.

Also The Gift of Fear would be a good one for you to read.

Hes thrown a bottle of moisturiser at me once mid small argument. I was just out the shower so it shook me up because I hate arguing or feeling intimidated when I'm naked (comes from the rape) so I was really upset but he said it wasn't supposed to be right at me, which is do believe because he wasn't looking at me. And yes I was cross at him about something but I felt it was more than was necessary in that moment.

And he broke a pair of his headphones once when I snapped at him for being on the pc too much a year ago. But he hasn't done anything since. It really was just those 2 things in a span of 5 years or so too.

I was bullied growing up so I get this horrible fight or flight reaction to people really raising voices or throwing their weight around. It really pisses me off.

(But a lot of people do seem to feel the need to shout and rage about it).

You should absolutely not "forget the egg thing".

You should ruminate on that moment until his true character becomes clear to you.

He's a bad man, an abusive man, though still wearing his pleasant mask most of the time. You're confused because he's spending more and more time without the mask and you're desperately trying to figure out what to do to make the early, lovely days come back. Nothing can bring them back as it was all a mirage - his "lovely man" persona was entirely conjured. He will wear the pleasant mask less and less often, increasingly revealing the ghoul beneath, until he will eventually throw the mask away and you will see nothing else.

Right. He's a twat. And I'm guessing he's going to upgrade his twat pack regularly now.

I need to get to bed but here is what following posters are likely to ask you.

Rented or own home?
Do you work?
Are your family supportive?
Do you have any financial independence? Savings?

They will probably advise

Read the two books I mentioned up thread.
Look for The Freedom Program online
Call Women's Aid Women's Aid website
Google the Grey Rock technique
read other threads here in Relationships

Among other things.

You don't have to do anything right now, or in the next few days/weeks. Just think and read and learn. And plan.

Stay safe and come back here to read this thread and get support.

I hope that posting this today turns out to be the best thing you have done so far.

You have the chance to do many more 'better' things in the future. But this man will try and stop you psychologically, emotionally, I'm guessing financially (if he refuses to work no spare cash?), and as he is increasingly showing you - he will progress to stopping you physically.

Wow. I've just realised - he has almost got you physically walking on eggshells. I'm sure a psychologist would have a field day with that!

He's levelling up is Mr Gamer Twatface.

Thank you TubbyPony I really appreciate it.

I will try and keep track of things from now and write them down so I know I'm not imaging things.

House is housing association, he's not on the tenancy because he never asked to be and I kept forgetting. Honestly not intentional. But I'm not at all bothered now of course just in case. It's rented. I'm working part time and on universal credit which goes into my bank as a joint claim. We don't have joint accounts. He gets the child benefit into his. Bills come out my account. Car was bought by him but he doesn't drive and its registered to me. My family are supportive.

I was a single parent with my eldest so I can do it if I have to and we'd be OK financially. H would be pretty buggered as he'd have to move in with family. He could start working fir his brother tomorrow if he wanted to though as he's a tradesperson and so is his brother. He's always offering to re-employ him. H just hates that line of work.

I'll look into those titles and look for pdfs.

Our situation at the moment is just draining my will to do anything. He doesn't want to work, doesn't like going out, finds mutual friends and my family awkard. I used to be way more social and driven. I did an access course with a 2yr old and got into uni as a single parent. I've really lost my drive. Part illness but also because now I'm so aware that he's not that way inclined and doesn't get why I care so much. He says things are tense because we need to get out more then I suggest things and he says he prefers to stay home. Then there's all this new weird behaviour on top and I feel like i'm having a moment of cognitive dissonance.

Written down it does look like he could be depressed but hes so so adamant he's fine and I should leave him alone. He's had it as a teen and says he'd know if he was.

Hang on. Why is he not working?

He was off while I was ill and has yet to go back. He says it's to look after the DCs but one is at school, the other at nursery a bit. He watches them on the 2 days I have therapy too (this therapy course lasts a year) so says its to facilitate that while he looks for suitable work as he has no qualifications and just worked as a tradie for a decade.

I can't sleep now. It's 2am and I'm rethinking everything.

I work part time but on the other days I don't have therapy. Couldn't swing it to leave those days free. But we could pay a CM or something on those days. (Each session of the therapy is about 2 and a half hours, mid morning to midday or so).