Can a relationship turn emotionally abusive after a few years?

[Lastreng91]

Regular here. Name changed because I don't want to be outed by friends. Just that really. Has it happened to any of you? Things were great early on but we rushed things and some of the very very small pale red flags now seem a little bigger and brighter a few years and one DC later. But I'm still not even sure it's emotionally abusive per se. It's not the usual things like controlling money or outright put downs. It's subtle things that I'm only just really seeing and not dismissing. I'm just not sure if my gut is oversensitive (and it can be due to anxiety/depression that's well controlled but still there from time to time) and maybe it's just a bad dip in the relationship due to having a full on toddler and some life stressor this year. Did any of you ever have a realisation after a year or two?

A small example is H having an issue with my history if it's ever come up. I've only had a few relationships and slept with under 15 people and he only knows of a few but he, on those rare occasions it comes up, does make me feel bad about it intentionally. Which I brush off obviously because its ridiculous.

And earlier in the year I was very unwell and sectioned due to a freak breakdown. It was a one off and I've been perfectly fine since but if we have a bit of an argument Ill say I'm going to clear my head by getting a coffee or going for a walk and he's blocked the door once or twice because he says he thinks ill go kill myself. Maybe that ones on me but it feels controlling.

What I mean is, that feels like gaslighting and like he's using my MH against me so I can't escape the situation. It's only happened maybe 2 or 3 times since the summer but it's irked me each time. Obviously he's got great sides to him or I wouldn't be in this situation or only just wondering if some of this is a bit... Off. And I wonder if I'm difficult myself and maybe don't see it.

Has anyone ever gone through a phase where they worried their relationship might be toxic or low key abusive and its passed or turned out to just be a bad phase?

Yes I’ve wondered the same and also have anxiety disorders and depression.
I have niggling thoughts that my dh doesn’t love me and I should leave, but it’s paranoia.
There was a time where we had major stress in our lives about two years ago when we had family deaths and money problems. Dh would snap and once threw something up the wall. It always played on my mind and I was worried he had a bad temper. Up until that point he had never shown aggression only slight pissed off mood.
We talked and he broke down in tears that everything was getting on top of him and that me asking if he loved me was upsetting him too.
He’s never done it again. I don’t think it was abuse I think it was just a very mentally challenging time for both of us because there’s been times I’ve shouted and had to walk out due to my temper. Never been violent or nasty.

From reading your later posts, I have actually changed my opinion. He’s saying your past is gross? I think he tries to bring you down by the sounds of it

Look, whether he's a twat or is abusive, it doesn't matter, you aren't happy with him and he isn't a nice person.

You don't need a reason to leave a relationship you know, if you're unhappy you can just go.

As to your question - it's often said that frequently abuse becomes more apparent when the woman gets pregnant. I suspect with all abusive men there is dodgy behaviour right from the start, but you may just tolerate it, or like the boiled frog analogy not realise it's happening because it starts very low key and ramps up over time. And of course abusive men aren't horrible the whole time, they do it in cycles.

Good luck OP. Talking to your therapist will help you I'm sure. But you know? Life's too short to stay in a crap relationship.

Thanks littleb and dafta. Its definitely not helping my mh thinking about it all the time. And yes to it being way more noticeable now Im in an OK place and he's home so much.

Thatthere I guess on that front I feel to justify breaking up a family and turfing a person out, I've got to be 100% certain and unhappy enough that I feel it isn't fixable. I think there's some niggling doubt. And I do stupidly love the guy. It's awkward atm because we have sex about once a week. I could definitely do less. Just beall this has put me so off him physically. And it's the biggest thing that's prompting him to question if I'm "OK" and what's going on (which is ironic conai2if I ACTUALLY tell him about any big issues he doesnt like it at all). I wish I could fake it better until I'm totally sure this is too unhealthy or irretrievable.

My dm divorced our step dad who my brother loved to bits when we were around my eldests age. My brother hated my mum all through his teens and lashed out and did some awful things while going off the rails. Hes lovely now and they're close again but I'm terrified of my eldest doing the same as he's a boy and he gets on very well with H.

It sounds a bit pathetic written out. If I didn't have the kids or wasn't married I'd turf him out tomorrow. At least for a bit. But maybe that says everything and I'm feeling more trapped than I let myself believe!

If we split I'd definitely not bother with future relationships if it could be helped. Id want to focus on my DCs until they left school at least and I'm suuuuch an introvert. I thrive off alone time and reading books and having little hobbies. Then just seeing family and friends every once in a while. I don't think I could live with a man again! What a palava.

OP, you sound so lovely.
You sound utterly ground down.
I think your MH are exacerbated by him.
He's abusive.
Your gut is screaming this to you.
He is lazy.
He's using your MH distress as a stick to beat you with while telling you he gave up his job for you.

He's extremely manipulative.

Thank goodness the house is in your name.

Please tell you therapist the truth.
Don't waste therapy covering for him.

Tell your mother the truth.

I think him moving out would give you the breathing room that you are craving.

There is a sinister thread running through your posts that is very disturbing.

Your children need you well and strong.
You will be both without him.

💐

Thank you Billy I just want to do the right thing. Getting him to leave for a bit will be very difficult because he's got no income of his own right now besides child benefit as we just use my account for the incomings and outgoings then I send him over a bit of what's left or he just takes my card out. He'd have to go straight to work with his brother or something. I'm aware that would make me extremely unpopular to his whole family who've been lovely to me. And I'm aware I could broach it again and just say it as an ultimatum. I e look, sort xyz out or I'm going to call it quits. Not a threat. Just exactly where we are right now. Then he's had fair warning?

Luckily the therapy is very behaviour focused (DBT) and structured so not just me waffling abiut my life. But she definitely needs the full picture.

I'm going to ask my dm if she's about this weekend. I'm going to try and be honest and ask her what she thinks. She can be a bit opinionated but shes very protective and I think she'll be helpful to talk to. She's known me the longest and all that. And she's had to go through the "embarrassment" of a divorce not long after marriage. It was definitely the right thing for her at the time even though she got some stick for it.

The first person I confided in completely downplayed what was happening and it took me years to tell anyone else about it because I felt I must be making a fuss and that I should stay 'for the children' (her words). I realise now that not supporting me in what I was telling her said more about the person I was telling than that the situation I was in wasn't bad.

I guess what I am saying is, you don't need someone else to tell you whether your situation is 'bad enough' to do something about it. It was bad enough for you to make this thread. Believe in what your gut is telling you.

Where your OH goes if you separate isn't really your problem. It might spur him on to get back to work!

True. Good point. But I think it'll help to talk to her and see what she says.

If I leave it'll be after therapy ends. Summer kind of time. I can't risk uxking about with childcare or him sabotaging anything and taking the car etc. I need it to get there and I can't afford a new one.

*mucking

One of my biggest regrets is staying in my marriage too long, trying to do the right thing by my children. At the end of the day, it would have been better for them for have got out sooner. As it is, they saw too many arguments, witnessed abusive behaviour and saw me in too much misery.

Women feel obliged to stay in a marriage for the children. But there's a time to say, that's enough. I'm not saying you're there OP, but he sounds pretty rubbish.

I am very conscious that if I'm going to leave it needs to be this year so they don't witness anything damaging or sense the "vibe". It's more a practicalities thing. I spent years trying to get good therapy and my new diagnosis opened that door. If he takes the car (which his dad paid for in full) I'll be screwed. If I drop out of the therapy I won't be allowed back in and it's been so helpful and healing so far. I could sort childcare to fit that routine better but it's the travel and travel from school and childcare to therapy and back that would prove impossible. Especially as it always starts at 9:45am.

OP, you need to do it in a way that works for you.
You get your ducks in a row.
The car is in your name so no-one can take it.

So what if he has to go work with his brother.....the lazy hit, gaming all day.

The thing to do now is keep your notes.
Make a plan.
Gather real life support from those you trust.
Utilise the therapy.
Continue to allow the fog to lift and see him clearly.
Don't allow him to bait you.
Protect your mental health.
Disengage emotionally from him and gain further strength from this.

Plan, plan and plan.
You can do this.
💐

Thank you billy

That's what I'm planning to do. I think the nuggets thing will be sex and how obvious it is I'm not feeling connected or attracted enough to. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it I guess.

I've been thinking, I can tell a few close people what's going on and what Im planning so I have the support and the support for when I do leave. The more I've thought about it today the more I've thought I should go with my gut and that it's not worth fighting for any further. I've told and told him how the gaming, the atmosphere and the not working is affecting us and me. Nothing changed. And he says some abusive shit and laughs when I've once or twice suggested counselling.

I read in a few places that I might be able to keep the car legally because I'd be the one maintaining it and insuring it etc and because he doesn't drive and its registered to me despite me not buying it.

Just wanted to point out that being the registered keeper of a car does not prove ownership:

www.askthe.police.uk/content/Q743.htm

A registration document (V5) is not proof of ownership. The registered keeper should be the person who is actually using / keeping the vehicle and this is not necessarily the owner of the vehicle or the person who is paying for it.

He is the person responsible for the vehicle so far as official communications from the police/DVLA etc., but the owner is the person who put up the cash (or was given it as a gift).

The DVLA make a point of saying that the person named on the registration document is not necessarily the owner.

This is particularly true with a company car which is owned by the company, however the registration document should show the registered keeper, i.e. the day to day user (this may be an employee who has it as a permanent perk with his/her job).

In the case of a car used by a married couple, ownership of any property is usually classed as joint ...

Yeah that's what I read. He'd definitely be awkard about it and demand it back despite not even driving

Also, DS has loads of appointments because of his needs and all sorts of assessments and check ups while we wait. These are in a town a 30 mins drive away. H couldn't do these because he doesn't drive and if he takes the car, which I strongly believe he would on principle, then we're extra buggered. I'll save for one over the next few months.

Hi @Lastreng91 , I have bipolar. Don't let anyone shame you or tell you that it means your partner is allowed to treat you worse than any other woman puts up with. You deserve just as good treatment as anyone else.

'I didn't mention it up thread because its so stupid and just us both being knobs ' Him dropping and egg and saying 'I'm not cleaning that up'?! No, you weren't being a knob in the way he was. You were just responding in kind and then he turned more nasty.

'He's done a lot for me in the past so I feel aware of that. He's not a total twat or anything. '

Being charming sometimes, is how they keep us in the relationship. and we would never continue with a relationship early on if they were abusive from the start. They 'earn' our good will so they can then get away with stuff.

'he does say he loves me. I'm his one true love and things like that. It's obviously not all off.'

Yes, that is the sort of thing they say. It doesn't mean things aren't off.

'He doesn't outright stop any contact or guilt trip me. Its just made clear he doesn't like them to me.'

Yep.

'Hes thrown a bottle of moisturiser at me once mid small argument. '...And yes I was cross at him about something but I felt it was more than was necessary in that moment.'

In a way it doesn't matter if it was at you or near you. And of course it isn't warranted- at any moment.
I can't sleep now. It's 2am and I'm rethinking everything.'

Please make sure to sleep, as it's vital when you have bipolar, to keep you well. If you're struggling to sleep etc, please see your consultant.

The jealousy, moodiness, etc!

'how would you cope without me' is emotional abused designed to make you feel you can't cope on your own.

You're not being a bitch, everything you say is justifiable.

'I haven't felt safe to or able to disclose it.

This is wrong.

'I thrive off alone time and reading books and having little hobbies. '

Go for it and find your own space. Sounds idyllic. Glad you're going to talk to your mum.

'And he says some abusive shit and laughs when I've once or twice suggested counselling.' Noo.

I understand about therapy, appointments for your son etc. Obviously it'll take a bit of organizing, maybe you will have to stay for a bit (though you could try and avoid that if possible) but I'm sure you'll find a way in the end.

The egg thing was really creepy! Hugs and best wishes xxxx

Thank you interested

It's helpful to see it like that, picked out and written down as one list. I appreciate the effort! And it's really helpful to hear from someone else with mh issues.

Yeah the egg thing really weirded me out. Just the undertone. It's the first time something has happened and my gut has essentially screamed at me "what the fuck was that. That isn't normal".

I absolutely agree that you need to put your therapy and dcs medical appointments first and work towards the 'right time'. I would use this time to do some research. Try to make an appointment with a solicitor to talk through what your options might be financially and to get him out. Also, saving for a replacement car is an excellent idea.

Are you married?

Do you own or rent? If rent, whose name is on the lease. Apologies if you have mentioned this but a quick look back and I couldn't see it.

Yeah sorry I did say but ages back. We're married and he's not on the lease. It's housing association. I'm so broke atm I don't know if I could see a solicitor. I have no assets to worry about and he can't touch the house. It's just the car and his stupid fucking computer. Which sits on what used to be our dining table in the front room. The amount of times this month I've fantasised about swinging a gold club at it and pouring cement into his headphones

He'd demand the car. And there's potential for him to use my mh to say I shouldn't have DS as resident parent. But it's baseless. That's what I'd be more concerned with though if I ever saw a solicitor. He's crap with effort with DS atm so there's a chance he'd not be that fussed and he wouldn't have a place to have him stay at first anyway. If he pulled the mh card it would be out of spite, not be he's genuinely worried.

*golf

Does he attend ds' medical appointments with you? If not, that may help prove that he you are the main carer.

I imagine that your mh team/counsellors would absolutely support you in saying that you are perfectly well enough to have your children.

He may threaten to try to take the children but, in reality, wouldn't want to put the work in for having them.

The car and computer would both be marital assets, I would imagine. So there would be room for negotiation perhaps.