Can a relationship turn emotionally abusive after a few years?

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Regular here. Name changed because I don't want to be outed by friends. Just that really. Has it happened to any of you? Things were great early on but we rushed things and some of the very very small pale red flags now seem a little bigger and brighter a few years and one DC later. But I'm still not even sure it's emotionally abusive per se. It's not the usual things like controlling money or outright put downs. It's subtle things that I'm only just really seeing and not dismissing. I'm just not sure if my gut is oversensitive (and it can be due to anxiety/depression that's well controlled but still there from time to time) and maybe it's just a bad dip in the relationship due to having a full on toddler and some life stressor this year. Did any of you ever have a realisation after a year or two?

A small example is H having an issue with my history if it's ever come up. I've only had a few relationships and slept with under 15 people and he only knows of a few but he, on those rare occasions it comes up, does make me feel bad about it intentionally. Which I brush off obviously because its ridiculous.

And earlier in the year I was very unwell and sectioned due to a freak breakdown. It was a one off and I've been perfectly fine since but if we have a bit of an argument Ill say I'm going to clear my head by getting a coffee or going for a walk and he's blocked the door once or twice because he says he thinks ill go kill myself. Maybe that ones on me but it feels controlling.

What I mean is, that feels like gaslighting and like he's using my MH against me so I can't escape the situation. It's only happened maybe 2 or 3 times since the summer but it's irked me each time. Obviously he's got great sides to him or I wouldn't be in this situation or only just wondering if some of this is a bit... Off. And I wonder if I'm difficult myself and maybe don't see it.

Has anyone ever gone through a phase where they worried their relationship might be toxic or low key abusive and its passed or turned out to just be a bad phase?

That scream inside you is the realisation that everything he does and says is to undermine your MH and control you.

He's following you around trying to wind you up so he can say you are not well.

He is following you around the house harrassing you for the same reason.

Just like the waking you up.... absolutely deliberate OP.

It all reads so clearly to those of us reading your posts.

Keep asking him to give you space and peace.
If he cared he would. But he won't, because he doesn't.
Him ignoring what you are asking for is deliberate as he doesn't want you having the time and space to gain strength.

He needs you weak, compliant, and exhausted.

Your children need you well and strong.💐

This will be hard to understand but hes not doing it deliberately, hes doing it instinctively.

To do it deliberately would mean hes aware. Hes not aware.

All he knows that in the moment he needs supply. He knows how to get it but it's not a conscious thought process.

It's a difficult one to wrap your head around but this does explain his contrary behaviours.

That actually does make a lot of sense. Thank you. And thanks billy.

Of course it's still really shite. Whether he's aware or not. But in some ways approaching it like he's not aware is easier as I feel more sure then that it can't be "fixed" and I'm right to want to leave.

Either way, it can't be fixed. The only person who can fix him is himself, and he almost certainly won't. Why would he? He gets what he wants this way and any other way is far harder.

So sorry you're dealing with this sort of shit.

There were several things that helped me get into the mindset of feeling it was okay to finally leave my husband and the father of my (by then grown-up) children. This was following years and years of feeling trapped, frustrated but heavily 'guilted' into staying.

The first one was that by the time I was ready to make the move my eldest child was in a serious relationship. Her boyfriend is lovely but if push came to shove and she no longer wanted to be with him, and even if they had children together, I know where my loyalties would lie and I would 100% support her to leave a relationship if that was what she wanted (obviously after having gone through all the soul-searching stuff which is a part of the process).

The other thing that helped (somewhat conversely) was that there was a large and very vocal body of opinion that seemed to think I should 'put up and shut up'. At a relatively surface level ex looked like the 'ideal' husband and he was a good father up to a point. The more people (who really should have known better) tried to persuade me that I SHOULD stay in a marriage the more determined I became not to. In the end I gave myself permission to leave, because no-one else was going to. I'd given it my very best shot and our children were grown up. I'd probably stayed at least 12 years longer than I wanted to, because I knew how difficult it would be leaving.

I came the conclusion (partly based on how I felt about eldest child's relationship) that if you want to leave a relationship, you should be able to. You don't even have to give a good reason in my opinion, apart from the fact that you want to leave. Which is as good a reason as you need. Slavery was abolished hundreds of years ago. Forcing someone to stay tied in a relationship when they don't want to be is a form of slavery in my opinion.

I knew my ex was being unreasonable because when I reversed our situations I knew that I would have allowed him to go without being a total bitch. Yes, I might have screamed and cried etc but ultimately I think it is extreme selfishness to try to force another person to do something just because it's what YOU want and not what they want. I gave my marriage my very best but once my children were grown up I decided I wanted to put me first. I decided to wait that long - others might not. I would never judge. The time is right when the time is right and that will be different for each person and each situation.

The grass is not greener. It's a different colour with more shades than before - and not so many shades of grey in actual fact but more vibrant colours. Good luck, op!

Thanks Jux. I don't think anything is changing beyond surface level. Not behaviour wise.

Sorry it went on so long butter but I'm glad you're on the other side now. Thanks for sharing your experience

Lied just to get out the house. Said I had a Dr's appointment but am just sat in the local shopping centre and avoiding everything and trying to gather myself. I need some space to just take a deep breath and not feel so up in the air. I'm trying to dig up my gut feeling/instincts out from underneath all his bullshit and all my own justifications and reasoning that I've buried them beneath. He's been a limpet since we had the chat and maybe it's intentional, maybe not, but it's made it even harder to know wtf is going on.

I'm feeling so guilty and stupid for bringing another child into the mix. With my eldest it's not so bad because he doesn't have to have contact etc. I should've known better really. He love bombed me. I see that now after researching things and things people have posted. I've been treated so bad that it did sweep me off my feet. I mean at least I've learnt and I'll know for the future. But I do feel awful. I know I'd kick him out if we didn't have our youngest. It'll break Hs heart, which I shouldn't be worrying about I suppose all things considered but I'm human and Im finding it hard feeling confident and right. I don't think h will want 50/50 though. He might fight for full custody out of spite but in reality I don't see it happening. So that should make me feel better about splitting up the family. I'm worried my eldest will see men as disposable too. I left his dad when I was pregnant (he was a shit back then), my mum left her longterm partner, my dad isn't in the picture. Hes very blasé about all those things but I don't want him to think it's reflective of how things are supposed to be. But I guess it's out of my hands with H because if I stay he'll think being a lazy hermit it acceptable as a father figure.

Sorry. I'm just thinking out loud while I'm free of the house for a while.

The worry of breaking his heart is part of FOG. Ultimately, we all have free will and even if he wasnt abusive, you have every right to end something you're just not happy with.

I'd get out now whilst your youngest is still very young.

I know it hurts. I've been there many, many times. Ultimately, you will wake up one day and suddenly it becomes clear.

This is because, your Emotional Thinking has been reduced and Logical Thinking takes over.

There are some good points to youngest DS being so young. In that he won't remember us together as a couple. That's true.

Looked at the FOG stuff online. There's definitely a huge amount of obligation and guilt going on. That was quite an eye opening bit of info.

Vis a vis your older child, I think there is so much influence in society about how things are 'meant' to be that seeing men as disposable is not as great a risk as you think atm. Stories, books, tv shows, films, other children etc. Yes, there are a lot more single parents and same sex parents these days, but I think the prevailing picture is still pretty much what it's always been.

I do think, though, that the ideas of equality and respect wtihin relationships are seen as much more important now, and that is a massive improvement. Make more of that aspect of relationships, and your children will be lovely!

Thanks. It's a good point. I'm going to have to say something before I've sorted out childcare for my therapy. I can't hold it in any longer. He keeps kissing me and asking to have sex. He thinks we're having sex this evening. I feel repulsed at all of it. Horrible but I can't control it. I've got the 'ick'. I've spent as much as possible away from him today by being out and getting food shopping and the dread I feel at coming home and knowing he's there, wanting all this intense reassuring affection it horrid.

I wish he could just leave tonight.

It's not because he wants affection either. We all do. It's because of everything he's done and how I feel about it and how he's still got the nerve to blame it all on me then expect me to give myself to him.

I remembered last night about him suggesting I'd been chatting up a neighbour when I hadn't even gone in his house and was just asking if he'd seen our lost cat. How is that anything to do with worrying about my mh. I mentioned it last night and he initially denied remembering it then mumbled "well, you were gone ages". Ugh.

It's going to be straight up fucking horrible though.

OP, you are doing great.

Whatever else, you have to tell him to give you physical space.
If he refuses, that alone is enough IMO to ask him to leave.

Him crawling over you when you can barely look at him is not something you should have to put up with.

You will explain things to your eldest.
I agree, easier on the youngest, the younger he is.

Guilt has no place in this.

I think he is a highly manipulative individual who will do just fine without you.

You will do much better without him.

I really feel your MH can only improve with time, space and not carrying the load of his awful manipulative behaviour.

I don't believe it's all unconscious. A bit too convenient for me to accept.

💐 Wishing you well

Thank you. I don't think it's all subconscious. Because he gaslight me about suggestions he's made about me cheating or flirting when I bring them up by saying he didn't. When it wasn't long ago etc. And I know what was said, word for word.

I think I might just say I need him to leave for now. Then drop the actual news when he's already out and I have the keys etc and he can't just walk back in. He'll fight it but I can call for help in getting rid it comes to it. Also, it's testing the waters to see how awful his reaction may or may not be. I'm so worried about it inevitably becoming a shit show and minimising that for the DCs.

If you're not wanting to show your hand just yet, I'd be tempted to have an attack of explosive diarrhoea followed by stomach cramps to get out of your 'conjugal duties' tonight.

It's an option. I wouldn't be able to keep it going long but it could probably get me to thursday which is my next therapy day. It's so shit that it's even come to this. The point where I have to consider faking an illness to stop him pressuring me into sex and affection.

I think that is a good call.

You need peace and time to think clearly about what YOU want.

You'll not get it with him in your face and space.

You'll also get to see him from a distance.

How he reacts to you.

Long term I suppose you need to decide can you live with someone so lazy, dominant and self absorbed.

You need to decide can he become the man and father you want him to be or are you just better off on your own because it's healthier all round.

Get support IRL for your decision.

101 should be on your list too.

Protect yourself OP.
💐

Im also waiting to be able to get into his phone without me realising. I need to delete some sensitive photos and stuff from a few years back and anything he can use against me. I wiped our fb messenger history by "accident" when I used his pc yesterday. So he can't take anything out of context or anything I've said in confidence and show anyone. I'm not ashamed of any of it. I just don't want it used as blackmail material.

Good woman. Wise move👍👍👏

Best wishes OP- you're doing great. When you've got to go, you've got to go. You have the ick physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. You can't go on that way, especially if he's nagging for sex! (not envy- sick face) xxx

Thanks.

I told him I needed to transfer some of the kids photos over so he let me use his phone. He didn't see me deleting everything. I'm so relieved anything really personal is gone!!