Can a relationship turn emotionally abusive after a few years?

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Regular here. Name changed because I don't want to be outed by friends. Just that really. Has it happened to any of you? Things were great early on but we rushed things and some of the very very small pale red flags now seem a little bigger and brighter a few years and one DC later. But I'm still not even sure it's emotionally abusive per se. It's not the usual things like controlling money or outright put downs. It's subtle things that I'm only just really seeing and not dismissing. I'm just not sure if my gut is oversensitive (and it can be due to anxiety/depression that's well controlled but still there from time to time) and maybe it's just a bad dip in the relationship due to having a full on toddler and some life stressor this year. Did any of you ever have a realisation after a year or two?

A small example is H having an issue with my history if it's ever come up. I've only had a few relationships and slept with under 15 people and he only knows of a few but he, on those rare occasions it comes up, does make me feel bad about it intentionally. Which I brush off obviously because its ridiculous.

And earlier in the year I was very unwell and sectioned due to a freak breakdown. It was a one off and I've been perfectly fine since but if we have a bit of an argument Ill say I'm going to clear my head by getting a coffee or going for a walk and he's blocked the door once or twice because he says he thinks ill go kill myself. Maybe that ones on me but it feels controlling.

What I mean is, that feels like gaslighting and like he's using my MH against me so I can't escape the situation. It's only happened maybe 2 or 3 times since the summer but it's irked me each time. Obviously he's got great sides to him or I wouldn't be in this situation or only just wondering if some of this is a bit... Off. And I wonder if I'm difficult myself and maybe don't see it.

Has anyone ever gone through a phase where they worried their relationship might be toxic or low key abusive and its passed or turned out to just be a bad phase?

It was because of the cost of childcare. At the time it worked out cheaper for one of us not to work. I was doing 12hr shifts and night shifts and it messed with me something terrible. Learnt some limits the hard way. That's why I'm only part time atm. I know it sounds messy but it's all been down to what worked out cheapest and best for every until I recovered and then it's just run on from there with him just not looking for work but also saying he won't go back to his old field.

My mh is better generally if I'm out the house and a "functioning member of society" etc. I suck at being a sahm full time.

(so in his eyes he took a bullet for the family so I could try working full time for a bit).

I might ask my mum to meet me this weekend and just be honest about my fears. It won't be a total surprise because they know he's reluctant to go back to work and that I haven't been 100% happy.

I should just leave DS with him and not worry, I know. He loves him and means well as a parent. It just stresses me out that hell snap at him when he's making his frustrated noises (he's non verbal at 3yrs) and it feeds it and he gets more upset and it could easily be diverted or minimised. He just doesn't get the overload thing I think. But he won't learn if I helicopter parent DS.

But you are not working ft, so he can work pt around you and nursery/school. Did he do ft child care while you were admitted, is that the real reason you feel guilty about leaving your ds, either with him or a cm? When does he start ft school?

He caught me typing on here while I folded laundry and said he'd be able to catch me cheating so easily. He'd know of I was sneaking off to talk to a boyfriend. He was "joking" but ffs. I'd rather he thought that I guess than that I'm posting about him on here asking for advice on our relationship!

He's abusive . You could make excuses for all these things and justify that he's had trust issues or insecure, but it's his problem not yours . The mental heath thing is a classic , even tho it's a genuine issue for you , they always like to use that power over a woman that your crazy , it makes them even more able to get you doubting yourself when they are playing mind games !!

Yes he bloody could work pt. We've discussed it til I'm blue in the face. I feel resigned at this point about it. Hell be in ft education in september 2021. We're not sure if it'll be a special educational place or mainstream but it'll be happening.

Was he this paranoid in the guise of jokes while you were working shifts as well?

I find it quite shocking that in the space of a year you have worked so many shifts and hours it led in part to a breakdown serious enough to be hospitalised, and now you are back at work part-time, yet he is still not working himself. And he is causing you extra stress by all these 'jokes' (they aren't jokes.)

What are his reasons for not working? Also, sorry if I missed this but how much is he doing around the house alongside the childcare (which is causing you stress because of how he snaps at your 3 year old).

I'm sorry but this man does sound abusive.

OP he need to go to work.

That comment was a warning. He knows what you are doing and will catch you if you step out of line. That's really quite sinister.

If he was working he night have something else to think about. He thinks you will cheat because he knows what a shit he is. He knows he is making you miserable, so he thinks you will look elsewhere.

He knows what he is doing. He is trying to break your self esteem down, so you dont think you could do better and keep him around. Become resigned to it.

OP there are lots of red flags here. Trying to make you ashamed of your (perfectly normal) sexual history when he knows you are a rape survivor is particularly unpleasant. You’ve been really brave opening up to us all and I would urge you to tell your therapist everything you’ve told us. He/she will be well acquainted with the warning signs of controlling behaviour and will be able to give you a balanced and professional viewpoint.

I think you are right that if you split up he will try to make you the bad guy, but don’t forget you have friends and family to turn to for support. You may well find that many of them already think he’s a bit off and are relieved you’ve seen it for yourself - that’s why he tries to isolate you from them. Good luck

Think about showing this thread to your therapist. It will be a great starting point for discussion.

Your update at 21:55 rings alarm bells for me. It never does any harm to get yourself informed.

Read Lundy Bancroft
text here

Do the https://freedomprogramme.co.uk

It seems to me that the biggest danger for abuse is lack of confidence in yourself and what you think. Anyone who does anything to undermine your confidence, or maybe even does not support your confidence is making you more vulnerable. Reach out to friends and build your social life, are there other young mums around just to socialise

He did say of you don't take it back ill drop the egg BTW. But he was smiling and laughing and sang it like a song.

This is classic testing your boundaries. Well done on not cleaning it up for the sake of the peace. What do you need to stay that strong ? There is a real danger that this sort of stuff wears you down.

And I've 'bigged' him up to her to cover some of my own embarrassment I.e when she asked if he's in work or whatever. So it'll be quite the conversation if I tell her.

This is exactly why so many get away with it. You are embarrassed and so not being straight with your therapist. Please, don't let him interfere with your relationship with your therapist. If you are not ready to be straight, say so but they why do therapy.

Imaging the therapist thinking mmmm something doesn't add up here and honestly not knowing what it is. Maybe thinking they are not good enough at their job to help you. When all along you are covering up for someone who is not being kind to you. Ouch.

He definitely thinks there's nothing wrong.

He definitely hopes you think this. What he actually thinks we cannot really know for sure.

I should just leave DS with him and not worry, I know.

Goodness, I'm BBC all for women and mothers having the chance to work outside the home. But even I see leaving a child with someone as you have described on this thread is a really, really bad idea.

I bet your mother knows or suspects a lot more than she has admitted to you, while you are still covering up for him.

ps I've read the whole thread now and apologise for first suggesting that a few social contacts might sort it all. Hope the kinks are useful.

I realise I sound quite harsh but I'm hoping that a shock might wake you up out of the fog he has created around you. It could almost be ok but it really really isn't.

For example, you might be visiting a therapist. Can they really help if you are not straight with them? You could try asking them that and see where the conversation goes. All the very, very best.

There are quite a few red flags and abusive behaviours here that I also recognised from my stbxh. Someone can definitely suddenly undergo a personality transplant, that, or my STBXH was replaced with an alien imposter 3 weeks after we got married and he became controlling, cruel and it became very apparent he'd been after what he could get from me financially all along

Ive taken the day off cus of last night. Just a one off. I won't make a habit of it. Youngest is about to go to nursery so I'll get some quiet to reflect a bit. H is stroping around be we got a letter saying we owe BT 30 quid. It's easily sorted with a phone call and it's me that handles that shit anyway and now the day is worse than if I'd just gone in. He's also cross because he has to drop off DS, pick up the other DS and go to the dentist. It's too much apparently

Sorry to hear your exh was like that after getting married. I've not got anything financial he's got his eyes on. He's got it good here though.

I'll explain to my therapist next week.

(I am reading and saving all the links and things. Thank you).

Quiet at last. I'm in bed just trying to rest my body a bit. I really wish I lived alone today. With my DCs. He's not done anything today it's just the relentlessness of me feeling resentful about our living and working situation.

A pp asked how much he does. He does and even split on housework. I do more or almost all the emotional care for the children. He does some pick ups etc but as I drive I do appointments and lessons etc. I do most of the family organisation like that. He does any DIY or the like. I can do it but he prefers to do it as Im not as good at it.

He doesn't work and is begrudging taking your child to the fucking dentist?
He doesn't work and the housework is split 50/50?

Why!!

It's his dentist appointment, not even a kid's. So it wont be that bad. He just got to walk there. He could drive if he actually drove...

It's sort of even where he does the things like bins, maintenance stuff, hoovering and more cooking than me. I do more washing up because it irks me more to leave it too long. The I do more kid's stuff.

Im being a bitch now. I've ust been holding so much resentment in and it's like opening the door a crack has let a flood through. It's not even the issue itself, it's that he stonewalls me. "oh god what have I done now" "if I worked full time how would you cope without me" "you're not perfect - insert examples of me being shit - or just absolute silence and no real resolution or solution. How are we supposed to sort things out?? He'd be so hard to get rid of physically and be adamant we're not splitting up but then he won't properly address things I bring up or when he realises I'm serious and won't drop it despite the stonewalling he'll change for a week or two.

I'm not perfect. I know I'm not. But I'm dreading discussing anything else, even though it reallllly needs doing.

He sounds like a complete nightmare and I know it'd be hard to split but sounds like it'd make things so much easier long term.

He wants you to believe you need him but you really don't.

Why did he not make the appointment for when he was childfree? His problem, just do not engage with moaning.

Thank you.

I really want to ask that he moves out for a bit so I can see how I feel but he's got nowhere to realistically go. He'd have to sleep on his mums sofa or something as she's got a 1 bed. Or his brother's. And he has no idea I feel this extremely about it because I haven't felt safe to or able to disclose it. Although he knows I'm unhappy about the gaming and not working.

The abuse and control from my xh started to become noticeable to me when he lost his job and was around all the time (we had been married for some years by then). Took him 2 years to look for more work. When he did go back, it wasn't full time and even then, he would suddenly appear at home to check who I had there.

Looking back, there were red flags before but it took reading MN for me to see the behaviour for what it was and that everything was not my fault! And yes to the seething anger!

Your OH's abuse isn't ok or acceptable just because his behaviour and treatment of you is sometimes ok.

He wants you on the back foot and wants you to believe that his behaviour towards you is your fault. If you are walking on eggshells, his abuse is already working. His treatment of his children is also not ok and not that of a loving father.

Please be honest with your therapist. I suspect much of your mh issues are due to his destabilising of you. No one should be living in a situation where you are having to walk on eggshells out of fear of a partners response or second guess what your oh is doing and what his motives are.

I suspect if your start discussions on splitting up and him moving out, he will make many promises to improve and may for a while but when that tactic doesn't work, he will ramp up and the anger towards you will become much more overt.