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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can a relationship turn emotionally abusive after a few years?

345 replies

Lastreng91 · 29/01/2020 20:44

Regular here. Name changed because I don't want to be outed by friends. Just that really. Has it happened to any of you? Things were great early on but we rushed things and some of the very very small pale red flags now seem a little bigger and brighter a few years and one DC later. But I'm still not even sure it's emotionally abusive per se. It's not the usual things like controlling money or outright put downs. It's subtle things that I'm only just really seeing and not dismissing. I'm just not sure if my gut is oversensitive (and it can be due to anxiety/depression that's well controlled but still there from time to time) and maybe it's just a bad dip in the relationship due to having a full on toddler and some life stressor this year. Did any of you ever have a realisation after a year or two?

A small example is H having an issue with my history if it's ever come up. I've only had a few relationships and slept with under 15 people and he only knows of a few but he, on those rare occasions it comes up, does make me feel bad about it intentionally. Which I brush off obviously because its ridiculous.

And earlier in the year I was very unwell and sectioned due to a freak breakdown. It was a one off and I've been perfectly fine since but if we have a bit of an argument Ill say I'm going to clear my head by getting a coffee or going for a walk and he's blocked the door once or twice because he says he thinks ill go kill myself. Maybe that ones on me but it feels controlling.

What I mean is, that feels like gaslighting and like he's using my MH against me so I can't escape the situation. It's only happened maybe 2 or 3 times since the summer but it's irked me each time. Obviously he's got great sides to him or I wouldn't be in this situation or only just wondering if some of this is a bit... Off. And I wonder if I'm difficult myself and maybe don't see it.

Has anyone ever gone through a phase where they worried their relationship might be toxic or low key abusive and its passed or turned out to just be a bad phase?

OP posts:
Shadyshadow · 30/01/2020 01:58

So you are back at work but he isnt?

OP this just gets worse.

Original poster
Lastreng91 · 30/01/2020 02:02

I had qualifications to fall back on I guess. But he could just do the shite work he hates til he finds something else. We've all had to every now and again. I've worked in mcdonald's, coffee shops, hospitals etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lastreng91 · 30/01/2020 02:03

It's awkward af because my family and friends are obviously wondering what the hells going on and I've had to spin some stuff to them to make it less horrible for me and so I get less questioning.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lastreng91 · 30/01/2020 02:09

God I know it's shit. We've argued about it so much. It's so embarrassing to admit the full picture though, even if it's not irl Blush

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 30/01/2020 02:18

Can you make a list of all the incidents you recall that worry you? And do this going forward.

Do please read WHY DOES HE DO THAT. Also Google walking on eggshells.

Have you discussed any of your issues - especially his jealousy related put-downs, which are VERY controlling! - with your therapist?

I doubt that your marriage will survive in the long run. I'd start organizing my ducks...

NoMilk · 30/01/2020 02:20

Talk to your family OP, you need to put yourself & DC first now Flowers

Original poster
Lastreng91 · 30/01/2020 02:23

My therapist only knows that he was very supportive when I was unwell. And I've 'bigged' him up to her to cover some of my own embarrassment I.e when she asked if he's in work or whatever. So it'll be quite the conversation if I tell her.

I skim read Why Does He Do That on pdf last night thanks to a few helpful suggestions. I'll read it properly at the weekend. It's very interesting though. Not what I expected at all.

Thanks. I should really try and sleep. I just feel sick after today and actually opening up about it somewhere.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 30/01/2020 02:44

I'm glad you felt brave enough to open up here. Having read all your updates and you've given multiple instances of him losing his temper and being angry/aggressive and they're not right. You know that. You know what you need to do, I think.
He's not helping your MH.

FlowerArranger · 30/01/2020 03:03

You absolutely must gge honest with your therapist!!

Otherwise what's the point...

FlowerArranger · 30/01/2020 03:04

BE honest...

Shoxfordian · 30/01/2020 06:19

He sounds abusive and jealous to me
I hate jealousy, huge red flag. I suspect some of your small red flags aren't actually that small as well. Its normal to have male friends, you should be able to go out without him "joking" about you cheating on him.

Plus he doesn't contribute to your family, or work. He's a jealous loser. Dump him

Shadyshadow · 30/01/2020 07:35

OP he is taking the piss. And using your episode as an excuse to do fuck all and be abusive.

The longer he keeps you down, the longer he doesnt have to work.

He may have depression. It's no excuse for abuse. If our life traumas or our mental health is causing us to be abusive or nasty, it's our responsibility to seek help. Wether its depression or not, it's still abuse. If he loved you, he would seek help.

As it stands he is happy, to keep the status quo because it suits him

Original poster
Lastreng91 · 30/01/2020 07:36

Thanks. I haven't mentioned any of my concerns because these incidents and things make up about 5-10% of the time, although it's increasing slightly when it comes to the strange atmosphere and small "happenings". But I definitely will next week.

He does do pick ups, housework and the like and in some ways makes life easier. Or did. I've been fantasising about being alone a lot lately which I never had before, purely because things are so unpredictable and stressful between us at the moment.

I slept like crap and have a group session today so it's going to be a long one. Thanks for everyone's advice. It's really helpful. I don't know if it feels like enough to justify kicking him out yet. Especially as it'll be 100% out of the blue to him. He definitely thinks there's nothing wrong.

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 30/01/2020 07:47

I've been fantasising about being alone a lot lately which I never had before, purely because things are so unpredictable and stressful between us

Listen to that voice!

And even though incidents and things make up about 5-10% of the time, you are clearly spending much of your time thinking and worrying and anticipating further incidents.

In other words, walking on eggshells. That's no way to live.

I urge you to put together a list of these incidents and a summary of your feelings and worries, and discuss them with your therapist.

Shadyshadow · 30/01/2020 07:56

Yes, that 5-10% of time. Is it really include the time you spend playing it over, being concerned, thinking about when he is going to do it next.

Is it really only 5-10% of the time?

Bananalanacake · 30/01/2020 07:59

Why are you thinking of paying a CM when he doesn't work. Surely he can look after the DC while you have therapy. You said he never goes out.

LIZS · 30/01/2020 08:01

Sounds like he is e one with mh issues, and potentially making yours worse (why are you not being honest with your therapist about his help?) If he cannot/will not do childcare he should be working, even pt. What did he do for work, did he resign or get let go? Does he blame you for that? Who cared for your dc while you were in hospital? Even if your relationship is not abusive , it sounds volatile and toxic rather than mutually supportive.

Original poster
Lastreng91 · 30/01/2020 08:03

banana because I don't like how he deals with youngest DS when I'm out. He's suspected SN. Needs help with speech encouragement etc. Is veyr loud but he's not being naughty, it's a stim thing. H gets annoyed with him easily and I know for a fact would ignore him besides feeding and changing and the odd interaction and I'm not ok with that. I already feel guilty af that I leave him with him when I have my days on.

And yes, theres more time spent thinking about it but I also get so cross about his attitude towards parenting the DCs and waking up late and things like that. Where I just feel fed up and bored of the same arguments.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lastreng91 · 30/01/2020 08:05

Yeah he quit work so I could go back for a bit. But it wasn't for me as it made my mh worse and helped cause the breakdown. So now he says we'll I left work so you could work and to look after the DCs. And implies Ive made him sacrifice a lot when I bring up the work issue. Which is half true, when talking about last year. But he could have left if it was that horrible. We're married. I'd have done the same for him no questions asked.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lastreng91 · 30/01/2020 08:08

It sounds so much worse on paper and when I re read it as if I didn't know him.

OP posts:
LIZS · 30/01/2020 08:09

You need to get over your guilt re leaving your youngest. He may not care for him in the same way you would prefer but he is not at risk or neglected. CM may not be much different especially if there are other children there. Presumably we are only talking a few hours at most. Him turning around your problems into his sacrifice is gas lighting.

Fannybaws52 · 30/01/2020 08:12

At the end if the day, if you arent happy and you dont feel loved and safe then why stay?

Original poster
Lastreng91 · 30/01/2020 08:18

I do feel loved some of the time. He says he loves me frequently. And he can be very supportive in bursts. I feel like I spent all this time investing in it and I don't take marriage lightly with DCs to think about. All that I guess. And I feel guiltily that he's dealt with my mh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lastreng91 · 30/01/2020 08:20

I'd definitely be the bad guy if we split. I have a gut feeling it wouldn't be pretty.

OP posts:
SophieSong · 30/01/2020 08:28

I'm not sure why he quit work so you could go back to work? For childcare reasons? And you say going back to work helped cause your breakdown, yet you've gone back to work again and he still hasn't worked? How long has he actually been out of work for?

I have to say your first few posts it didn't seem too bad, but the more you say the worse this is sounding.

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