Can a relationship turn emotionally abusive after a few years?

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Regular here. Name changed because I don't want to be outed by friends. Just that really. Has it happened to any of you? Things were great early on but we rushed things and some of the very very small pale red flags now seem a little bigger and brighter a few years and one DC later. But I'm still not even sure it's emotionally abusive per se. It's not the usual things like controlling money or outright put downs. It's subtle things that I'm only just really seeing and not dismissing. I'm just not sure if my gut is oversensitive (and it can be due to anxiety/depression that's well controlled but still there from time to time) and maybe it's just a bad dip in the relationship due to having a full on toddler and some life stressor this year. Did any of you ever have a realisation after a year or two?

A small example is H having an issue with my history if it's ever come up. I've only had a few relationships and slept with under 15 people and he only knows of a few but he, on those rare occasions it comes up, does make me feel bad about it intentionally. Which I brush off obviously because its ridiculous.

And earlier in the year I was very unwell and sectioned due to a freak breakdown. It was a one off and I've been perfectly fine since but if we have a bit of an argument Ill say I'm going to clear my head by getting a coffee or going for a walk and he's blocked the door once or twice because he says he thinks ill go kill myself. Maybe that ones on me but it feels controlling.

What I mean is, that feels like gaslighting and like he's using my MH against me so I can't escape the situation. It's only happened maybe 2 or 3 times since the summer but it's irked me each time. Obviously he's got great sides to him or I wouldn't be in this situation or only just wondering if some of this is a bit... Off. And I wonder if I'm difficult myself and maybe don't see it.

Has anyone ever gone through a phase where they worried their relationship might be toxic or low key abusive and its passed or turned out to just be a bad phase?

The mental health thing is hard to comment on, he may be genuinely worried. But the combination of making you feel bad about your history, not wanting any male friends, jokes about cheating sound like he is jealous and controlling. People can get jealous but when others modify their behaviour to stop them kicking off or because it's not worth the aggro then that's when it crosses the line

He sounds a bit insecure. Maybe a bit immature.
How old are you two?

It sounds like he is the one with issues OP. My OH did this for a while. It was due to his own insecurities. I called him out on it & basically told him he was the one with the problem and me having a past was nothing to be ashamed about. . I can't claim it was plain sailing. We're in a very different place now but a lot happened in between and his attitude definitely damaged my feelings about things. I am not as open with him about my past as I once would have been & he actually hates that now but the damage is done.

Yeah I think I should ignore the mh thing for now and assume it's genuine concern even if it's misplaced.

The other stuff didnt bother me initially but it's grinding over time and hasn't ever lessened over time (I assumed it would once he realised I'm not going to cheat and we got married!)

I'm about to hit my 30s. He's late 20s.

Were you well before your relationship with him?

How long were you with him before this breakdown?

Mael I'm glad he acknowledged that at least. H referred to my past last night as gross which is what sparked me to start this I guess. It's been playing on my mind all day.

I'd had the odd dip and peak. He knew of it. I thought it was depression and anxiety and explained it that way. We were together 2yrs before that breakdown. It was bad but fast. I started getting ill in Feb. Hospital by the end of Feb. Out by start of March and "stable" by May. I just reaaaally needed different medication and that different diagnosis.

Obviously it was unpleasant for him. And I've never discounted that for him or suggested otherwise.

OP, I was with exh 12 years. Then he started with the 'why are you on Instagram?'.

Why do you want Facebook?

Then 'hahhaha you cheating on me?'. The out downs, making me feel bad or stupid. The checking my phone, my messages. Kicking off if I spoke to a man at work.

He had a breakdown and it escalated to following me and tracking me. Finally he attacked me and raped me.

I am not saying your husband will go that far. But these things can escalate.

Before then he was absolutely fine. He has been treated and seems fine now. Though, obviously, he terrifies me.

If it was possible I would still have him prosecuted. But that was a dead end.

Are you sure he is well, mentally? Could be triggered by your breakdown or not.

Yes I'm sorry, I think there's a problem and I think he's escalating.
These things really stood out for me;

• He's opted out of parenting and working to play games instead.
• He describes something in your past as gross.
• He "jokingly" said 'oo don't cheat on me'
• when I try to talk about relationship issues we're having he gets so defensive that it's not worth it
• He says it's justified because how could he know.
• I've had to drop all male friends because it's not worth the hassle.

No im not sure he's 100%. Him not wanting to work and gaming a fair bit and finding our youngest a bit much has made me think he's not admitting to himself that he's low. But he's adamant it's just what he enjoys and he needs it and that hes just not good with noise.

I'm sorry to hear that. I'm a rape surivior too that's awful.

In all honesty, unless he wants to get help, there is much you can do.

Theres so many time, I should walked away before then. But i wanted to help him and get my husband back.

Reading your posts it was like reading something I would have written in the early days.

Hard to out your finger on. Small things, that on their own arent bad. That 'is that ok? Is it me?'. You know it isnt right, but it's difficult to say why or what it is. And it slowly builds, then all of a sudden it's awful. I am sorry.

I know I'm the one that had a breakdown but I've picked myself back up. I'm in therapy. My life is back on track. I can manage to do tonnes for our kids as well as all the driving, shopping etc. I'm stable. There's just this funny vibe the last few months (a good 6 months after the breakdown) or so and I'm noticing things and I can't put my finger on why now and not before.

That's a creepy cross post but yes it's like a tangible change in the air. I'm just not sure if it's me, him, us both.

That’s good, I had similar, I was you. We don’t talk about it and it’s not healthy but I don’t feel it’s my place to bring it all up again iyswim

He should be happy you feel well enough to make an effort, to out, do things for yourself, maybe talk to him about it from that point of view - you may well have done so already, sorry, I’m not there yet

I'm fairly certain he'd never hit me for example but this morning we were joking around making breakfast and he calls me names jokingly all the time and was this morning, so I called him a name back, thinking we were still joking, and he dropped and egg he was holding on the floor and said I'm not cleaning that up. He looked like he was still joking. But its a weird thing to happen. I must have accidentally hit a nerve but i clearly didn't mean to and we were both mucking around. I was just left like

I did say sorry and weren't we just mucking about? He said we were. So I don't get the egg thing.

I didn't mention it up thread because its so stupid and just us both being knobs but it wouldn't have happened a year ago or 6 months ago. I don't know.

Thanks lenny I've tried to talk a few times this week. It's sort of happened but hes been very defensive and I find it hard to be confrontatiinal or even assertive so it's a work in progress.

A PP suggested keeping a hidden diary, I’d do that if I were you and change your Mn password

I swing between thinking, no, I'm hard work and just need to relax and actually no the vibe is really making me uncomfortable lately. He's done a lot for me in the past so I feel aware of that. He's not a total twat or anything. Things just feel unpredictable and strange between us at the moment and he's saying more of these little comments and the like. I might bring it up tomorrow and ask if he's sure he's not lower than he realises.

And he does say he loves me. I'm his one true love and things like that. It's obviously not all off.

I'll broach it to my therapist this week. She knows me well and I think would help me weed out what's me overreacting and what might be something genuinely a bit unhealthy. It's hard to talk about irl to people especially crap like the egg thing or the 'don't cheat on me' thing . I don't want to embarrass him or myself.

Does any of this ring true OP?

Whether he has caused your mental health issues or simply made them worse, one thing's for sure - you'll be mentally healthier away from him.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

The only things that stand out a bit are the isolation but it's murky and the what I wear thing. Like if I dress up he'd never say get changed but he's said a few times who are dressing up for. It's minor and not like a put down. And not often.

He dislikes my DM and GM. They aren't perfect and haven't always been great for me but they're my family and I find it awkard that he doesn't like to see them so I always make excuses like he's ill or whatever if we're all meeting with the kids. It's murky because they are quite strong personalities and it's up to him but I find it all awkward and draining. He doesn't like one of my friends because he says she's a poser and narrow minded. She's been kind to me so I ignore that. He worries more of I go out with another friend I have because she's very pretty and and gets chatted up a lot and seems to think ill get chatted up by osmosis or something

He doesn't outright stop any contact or guilt trip me. Its just made clear he doesn't like them to me.

Regret mentioning the egg thing on here. That was incredibly childish on both our parts