Should I get a vasectomy

[Flower8919]

What do you think about vasectomies? Do you think if you are in a marriage and don’t want any more kids it is fair for the man to get a vasectomy or should the woman continue to stay on brith control? If the man gets a vasectomy and for some reason the relationship goes wrong. There is then no chance of having kids with another partner.

Love the fact op doesn’t want the V because it’s permanent compared to Hormonal birth control that can cause death in worst case. That’s pretty permanent too.

My dh got the V last year, we have three children I’ve been on many contraceptions which ranged from making me a raging lunatic to completely detached.

Depo messed me up that when I stopped using it. I was admitted to hospital with uncontrollable bleeding and kept in and drugged upto my eye balls to stop it, a mixture of tablets every day for a month after my admittance to make sure it didn’t happen again. The pill just makes me a fat grumpy mess. Implant my body rejected and frankly I’m not having something shoved inside my vagina so he can spurt freely.

You have options just as she does. She no longer wants to pump her body full of possibly death/cancer/blood clot causing drugs. She also rejects condoms as an unsafe method. You reject a V. That leaves non PIV sex/celibacy.

Thank you everyone for your messages. It is very helpful.

I just want to say that I have given up and put a lot into our marriage and kids. Yes, she went through the pregnancy and gave birth to them which I can’t begin to imagine what it is like. But I am actually a SAHP. My wife has a very good career and with child care etc. We decided that I would be a SAHP. I wanted to do it for her and our kids and don’t regret it but I have sacraficed a lot and now it is basically coming down to me having a vasectomy or not having sex. She might not see not having sex as a big deal but I think at 30 being in a non sex marriage is a big deal and would basically end the relationship which I really do not want to happen.

This is why I posted to try and see if I can find any other way to make it work if if I should just have the vasectomy.

If there was a male contraception I would take it but unfortunately there isnt. A few women have said the implant is a lot nicer than the pill so I am really hoping maybe she will go for that or we use condoms and morning after pill but I really don’t know if she will agree

Sorry for the long post. I just wanted to explain

The implant is just more hormones though op. Same as the morning after pill. More hormones. The implant From my friends experiences have been horrible, mine my body rejected, other have had non stop bleeding of which doctors have just prescribed the pill to try and stop it and will often keep refusing to remove it even when a women doesn’t want it anymore.

You may be the sahp but than doesn’t make your voice over contraception any louder than hers when it’s her body your wanting to pump with hormones.

The implant is not "nicer". Mirena is horrific. And you are not in control of coming off it if you hate it. With the pill, you can just stop that day. With an implant you have got to make an appointment with someone trained in fitting/ removing them ( not every GP or nurse in your practice) and then go through the traumatic procedure of having it removed. That's if it hasn't migrated somewhere else in your body as mine did, in which case it will need to be removed in hospital under general anaesthetic. So, definitely not "nicer" than the pill.

That's personal perception. I find the implant much nicer than the pill. He is happy to use condoms. She wants more. So the onus is on her to get more.

If she says no and refuses and also says no more sex I'd be telling her that in that case the relationship is in danger and you were right to not get a vasectomy with her.

You need to talk it over with her, OP. Suggesting other things she can do, that's something she needs to swot up about and discuss with a HCP and decide on. You don't want the snip, don't have one, but the two of you really need to have a mature, adult conversation about this.

IndecentFeminist

A lot of responses are, "it's the least he can do."

"It only takes 15/30 mins"

"My DH only had sore balls for a week, then he was back to normal. It's no big deal"

"It's his turn to sort out the contraception "

"He was okay with you carrying his babies and risking your life"

It is mumsnet double standards as usual.

From the way pp are talking, you'd think hormonal contraception is poison.

Every medication has risks and side effects. It it was as deadly as pp are making out on this and similar threads, it wouldn't have passed the required medical testing as a safe drug.

birth control has worked up until now

Maybe it's your turn then.

Or agree no PIV sex. Simples.

I am going to have a chat with her tonight when she gets back from work to see if we can sensibly decide what options we have.

Sorry to ask, what is a HCP?

Health care professional.
Dr, Nurse etc

That's personal perception.

It's personal experience. It does work for a lot of people. But as with Mirena, about 15% of users experience very negative side effects. And sadly, as with Mirena, a lot of women are told to put up with it for months as 'it will settle', when generally, if it doesn't within 6 months it will not. I had to tell them I did not consent to this form of treatment anymore to get them to take my seriously and remove it or I would be removing it myself (which you cannot do so easily with an implant). Was given the pill to stop the bleeding (it didn't work), told it would settle, was offered anti-depressants for my low mood, which only started once I had the Mirena, FFS. I still have acne scars on my face. No sex for months for months as I felt like shit, had no libido and bled constantly (when we did have sex my h could feel the strings. Had them cut, he could still feel them, was told to have MORE sex to get them to curl into the cervix, WTAF? I cannot imagine them EVER treating a man like that!). They then offered me the implant (the same damn drug as the Mirena) or the Depo (the SAME damn drug as the Mirena) or the POP (the SAME damn drug as all the rest). I had another baby. Then he got a vasectomy. He was 32; I was 38.

I agree, though, the difference was that he wanted to have it and did not want any more children, ever. We did indeed lose a child after that but he remained unchanged and so was I.

So yes, you do have to be in a place where you never want any more children no matter what because it is considered permanent contraceptive. Reversals are not guaranteed. You can also freeze sperm before this (he did not want to).

I was not consulted about my consent and should not have been.

You don't have to have a vasectomy but she doesn't have to be on hormonal contraceptives if she doesn't want to.

That leaves you with condoms, natural family planning , no PIV sex or a mix of all of them.

You could try a cooling off period with just using condoms and less of PIv sex.

If none those options aren't acceptable either and no compromise can be reached after a period of time then the relationship is probably fucked.

I think your wife is being unfair, I completely understand not wanting to take hormonal contraception but you are proposing you use condoms and she is refusing. 2 years ago I was diagnosed with a lifelong illness, due to this and other medical issues I was fast running out of suitable birth control options. I sat my DH down one day with a (short) list of acceptable options for our birth control. One of those options was a vasectomy. We talked about it but I made it very clear that the decision was completely his. Then last year he told me one evening that he'd booked a gp appointment to get the referral for the vasectomy. He had spent time thinking about it, with zero pressure from me and decided that he was 100% done with having children. He got the op done a few months ago. He said the actual procedure, which was called a no cut vasectomy I think, was fine, he said having a root canal was worse! He healed really quickly with minimal pain and it hasn't affected any part of him. He's 32.

I was on the injection. I gained a massive amount of weight, sex drive went out the window, every time we did have sex I'd bleed. The GP not only dismissed my symptoms, he completely denied it had anything to do with the injection.

The implant was fine the first time, second time around I gained weight, I was spottier than a 13 yo(EVERYWHERE) , I had random bleeding and spotting for weeks on end. They wouldn't even fucking remove the first one when it was due. It was supposed to be changed in January, didn't happen until March...apparently that is perfectly fine.

And I had the pill pushed on me every single time I went in, despite clearly saying I do not want the pill. Even when I went in for DD being poorly.

It might seem an easy solution to you, because it's not done to YOU. It's not you dealing with the side effects.

Some of the responses here are a bit unreasonable. He's selfish, irresponsible for being reluctant to do this? No, this is permanent. Doctors emphasis this is permanent. Look at old threads here with people who have all sorts of problems trying to vasectomies reversed. Sperm freezing also has some problems.

Has his wife thoroughly investigated all options? It would be one thing if she had thoroughly investigated all options and reluctantly agreed permanent sterilization for him is the best option (and has she considered sterilization for herself?). But she seems quite blaise about pressuring him into this.

"She might not see not having sex as a big deal" Has she actually expressed this to him? If so this marriage doesn't really sound like its on rocksolid ground. What if they do split up?

Everyone reacts differently. Nobody can tell your wife what contraception is best. Like I said, I have a great experience with the depo but on the implant I bled constantly for 3 months until I had it taken out. You need to be discussing this further with her. Don't feel forced into having the snip but you both need to speak to a GP to discuss your options properly. No sex isn't an option for you obviously.

The implant is not "nicer". Mirena is horrific.

This is your experience.
Both of those methods of contraception have been fine for me.

Just like a vasectomy may be fine for one man, but not all men.

I love the fact that Patella keeps saying OP just wants to squirt away....cos we all know women don't get any joy from sex at all, nor do we have any sex drive or desires.
OP wants to have a sexual relationship with his wife. He doesn't want to have a medical, possibly irreversible procedure at the young age of 30. He has offered for them to use condoms. Wife says no. Wife is more or less giving him an ultimatum, vasectomy or no sex ever.
Fair enough she doesn't want hormonal contraception, I get that, but she does not get to force his hand. They should discuss all the options on the table like grown up and if no solution is reached then they either need to split up or live in a sexless marriage.

I had the snip at 37 as another pregnancy wouldn't have been very good for my wife.

I needed to be sure that I didn't want any more kids, even if my wife and kids were all to die and I wanted more. I had to be sure I was happy with this and I was.

I ended up with infections and spent several weeks off work. It has worked out fine for us in the long run and not having to worry about contraception is great.

Do it but only if you are happy to never have children again as you have no idea what is round the corner.

I never did say he should be forced into getting a vasectomy, Bianca. And did say he needs to speak to this with her and she needs to speak to a HCP about options but it's not for anyone to suggest or 'persuade', his own verb there, to use any of them.

They do hard-sell the Mirena. And it does work well for the vast majority of users. But the problem is that if you are one of those 15% or so for whom it does not, they are often not willing to accept this and often refuse to remove it at first.

And I had the pill pushed on me every single time I went in, despite clearly saying I do not want the pill.

I had Mirena pushed on me, even after my experience and even after my h had a vasectomy of his own volition. I actually had them put it in my notes, no Mirena or talk of Mirena.

It can and does work for a lot of women, but it doesn't for some, and some do not want something inserted into their bodies.

You shouldn't get a vasectomy under the impression it's reversible - it's possible to reverse them sometimes. You need to treat it as permanent.

You're at perfect liberty not to have a vasectomy - it's your body. She shouldn't pressure you to get one if you don't want to/aren't ready to.

By the same token, she's at perfect liberty to refuse hormonal/other types of contraception - it's her body. You shouldn't pressure her.

Perhaps stick to non-PIV activities until you can agree condoms or something else.

He does not want it, and that is fine, but the two of them need to talk to each other about this.

feels like I am being pressured into it

OP, if your wife posted saying what you said above, she would be told you're being abusive.

Pressure, coercive control and manipulation would all be hurled in your direction.

You saying you feel you have no option isn't the way you should be feeling and I question if a loving spouse would want her partner to feel pressured into such a serious decision.

You need to view vasectomy as permanent. People saying it's reversible, as though you're dyeing your hair back to it's original colour.

I love the fact that Patella keeps saying OP just wants to squirt away.

Such a very childish and immature comment it. It comes across as misandry.

Well from a woman's pov having none penetration sex can be great, you do know that's how the majority of women orgasm don't you.

You don't sound convincing to me.
If my dh had said, after we had finished our family, that he.If he want a child with someone else in the future then I wouldn't have had sex with him either.
Why would you want more kids? It's a serious question. How many partners do you intend fathering kids with?

The options appear to be for you:
Get a vasectomy or don't have piv sex.

Depends what you want to do.