Should I get a vasectomy

[Flower8919]

What do you think about vasectomies? Do you think if you are in a marriage and don’t want any more kids it is fair for the man to get a vasectomy or should the woman continue to stay on brith control? If the man gets a vasectomy and for some reason the relationship goes wrong. There is then no chance of having kids with another partner.

I don't sense much love or respect for OP from his wife, or willingness to listen to his concerns. It reads like some kind of power struggle. He is right to be concerned.

Pressuring someone to do anything with their body that they aren’t happy about is abusive. Especially when it’s about an invasive medical procedure. Withholding sex in a marriage as a form of bribery is also abusive.

There are very real risks associated with vasectomy, and if you aren’t 100% sure that you want to do it, don’t do it! Your wife really can’t have much respect for you if she’s putting this much pressure on you to have it done, this is not the way loving spouses behave.

As you’re happy to use condoms and for her to come off hormones (which I agree are horrible), it’s her that’s causing the problem here. If she won’t even try something like the non hormonal copper coil and instead would prefer you to endure an operation that you don’t want, I’d say that’s even more reason not to have a vasectomy so young.

Mini pill and condoms ?

My DH has had the snip (before he met me) and its bloody amazing!

emily What about my POV? I don’t think any reasonable person would want to give up having piv sex in a marriage when you’re 30.

I am not definitely saying no to a vasectomy it is just a big thing to consider. And no I don’t plan to father more kids with another woman but if you were asked to give up never being able to have kids again I think you would consider all the consequence

I would be pretty concerned if you were my husband and were considering splitting up and having more children. I've had 3 kids and it was fucking painful, pregnancy isn't easy, my body has changed in ways I would prefer it hadn't and I still have pain and numbness as result which is pretty normal. I don't want to take anything hormonal as it has all sorts of long term risks. My husband is having a vasectomy because he is considerate of what I've been through and my concerns about long term hormonal influences. If you don't want one, if course you shouldn't have one. However I do think it's a pretty selfish view point and just as you shouldn't do anything to your body that you don't want to, your wife shouldn't be expected to put hormones in her body if she doesn't want to, so unless you're happy with long term condom use maybe you should give up sex.

@Flower8919

Long lasting side effects occur at a 1 in 10 ratio.

Don't be pressured in to this if you don't want it.

I don’t think any reasonable person would want to give up having piv sex in a marriage when you’re 30

Oh I don't know, a lot of women don't orgasm that way and some find PIV dull. Think it's something like only 20% of women orgasm with PIV sex alone. So maybe there's not much in it for her apart from the risk of pregnancy.

Oh come on Patella you've been as crude as you can to try and make your point. Yes, what a twat OP is for asking about different options of contraception ahead of talking to his wife. Like PP says, loads of women come on here to ask about persuading their DHs to have vasectomies yet this is okay! I don't see you having a go at those posters.

Anyways, as a 30 year old women, im pretty sure we're done having children, I don't plan to leave DH, but I also will NOT consider permanently removing my ability to ever have kids again in the future

Has that what he's said @Flamingnora123? Can you quote it? Because I just see somebody considering every single possibility.

Similar to when every woman on the page is advised not to quit work when dating. They may not be planning to break up. But it's always wise to protect yourself.

I just asked OH if he'd have one.

"Nah, it would cost too much being off work".

The guy has his priorities.

Many don't orgasm through sex but doesn't mean a woman doesn't enjoy it.

Many comments about if something goes wrong and being too young.

Doesn't sound like that you're that invested in the relationship and full of doubt. Could you afford to support your existing children if your relationship broke down, never mind the children of a new relationship?

I don’t think any reasonable person would want to give up having piv sex in a marriage when you’re 30.
Lots of people do this, at least for the majority, fertile, section of each month. It’s not unreasonable at all, and it won’t be long term - it buys time for you to consider a vasectomy (and potentially your wife to research whether there’s any other form of contraception she could tolerate, if she so chooses) whilst removing risk of pregnancy.

You can’t have things both ways - penetrative sex results in pregnancy. Either you take measures to stop pregnancy, or you stop penetrative sex.

Lots of comments about how he's thinking of leaving his wife and having more kids. I don't think that's true at all, I brought up that subject with my DH before he had his op because I think it's a sensible and important thing to think about. Nobody knows what will happen in the future and I think it's a little naïve to not even consider the possibility that you may not be together forever. I love my DH very, very much. But I could be hit by a bus tomorrow, or our marriage could break down or perhaps we could win the lottery and want another child or so many other things that aren't in the plan. So I think it's really important to be sure you don't want any more children ever no matter what the situation and who it's with. I am very sure that I couldn't have any more children. DH is also sure, but it still took him many months to be at peace with that and really be sure it's what he wanted. Not what i wanted.

Why would you want more kids? It's a serious question. How many partners do you intend fathering kids with?

Seriously? I wonder how many female posters on this thread are onto their 2nd, or more relationship, with children by more than one man? Are you going to ask them why or how many men they intend to have children by?

But he is trying to find ways to prevent pregnancy and enjoy PIV sex, like many of us do. He's suggested condoms, asked for advice about other forms of contraception (and been shouted down for this) and has said he won't rule out a vasectomy, but just doesn't feel ready yet. I think the wife needs to meet him somewhere in the middle. If she cared about him and his feelings, she would stop trying to force him to have a procedure he isn't ready for

so unless you're happy with long term condom use maybe you should give up sex.

But he is. It's his wife who is saying no.

You are not listening.
Your wife , and you for that matter, are not giving up orgasms or sex.
Your wife doesn't want t to carry on pumping her body when she no longer wants any more children .

Of course nobody knows what the future may bring but you have to decide what is best for you.
I can categorically tell you that I would not and did not want any more children once I had had children with dh.

Would your wife have the op to be sterilized or would she hold that against you?

Your wife doesn't want t to carry on pumping her body when she no longer wants any more children .

She doesn't have to. She could try the coil, a diaphragm, condoms or consider getting sterilised if she knows that she definitely doesn't want more children.

How comes her deciding that she never wants more children, no matter what, mean that her husband has to be the one to have his fertility permanently removed?

fertility awareness with MAP or termination as back up ?
or, alternate condoms and diaphragm
or, non penetrative sex
....apart from complete abstinence I think those are all the options if hormonal BC and IUD are excluded
you just need to sit down together and decide which you prefer
as a PP has said, HCPs will push LARC and may not be familiar with diaphragms, you may need to shop around, but trust me they work and in a committed relationship can be fine

And give it a rest about women having kids to loads of men- really?
None of my friends do, even the divorced ones. They are glad to be in a relationship with men who don't want to keep fathering kids.
I'd find a sterilized man far more attractive than one who impregnated e everything in sight.

I’m post menopausal so it’s now irrelevant, but i would never expect a man to have a vasectomy. We always used condoms.

maybe explore with her why she doesn't like condoms?

And give it a rest about women having kids to loads of men- really?

I'm not talking about women having children with loads of men and op wasn't talking about having children with loads of women.

Many, many people with children from a previous relationship go on to have a child in a new relationship. That's men and women. It's not exactly unheard of. And if the ability to have no more children is so important to you and your friends why aren't you being the ones to get sterilised?

I had my youngest child when I was 29. I was quite certain that I didn't want more children but I would never have agreed to be sterilised because it's permanent. I'm now 50 so menopause will be happening in the next few years and despite not wanting another child knowing that I definitely won't be able to is actually a big loss for me so I can fully understand why someone wouldn't choose to do so, even with no.intention of having more children in the future. It's a huge decision.